I see some people trying desperately to "fix" what happened "yesterday" instead of working with today's reality ... is that you?

You are SO right Pep - It took me months to figure out - the past is the past and yesterday is the PAST - and we can't go back to yesterday or this morning or 5 minutes ago....so to keep working with this minute, this hour and tomorrow. And by doing that I am able to correct, change and adjust instead of running in circles wondering what i could change about yesterday instead of what I learned yesterday that I can apply to today.

Interesting thought (((Pep))).... There was definately a time that totally applied to me. Life took me down some long dark paths try to fix what I couldn't. Eventually, I came to a place where I changed my thinking and 'accepted' my past and even took it a step further. I released all the power my past had over me by forgiving myself and others.

I do wish that I would have learned that lesson years before but I am grateful that through my trials I gained a little bit of wisdom and a touch of humility......

Sure does. It took me so long to begin truely recovering because I saw the only solution as my FWH somehow making his prior actions magically go away. As ugly as they were, they still led us to a better marriage and more happiness as a couple than we shared before his A.

I don't think we would have achieved this without the A. Too bad, it would have been heaven to have this without the lingering pain.

Pep, I think we've all gone through "hoping for a better yesterday". I think we've all probably stared at a ceiling all night long and wished that we could wake up and have "yesterday" never have happened.

But there comes a time when we all have to reach in our pockets and pull out a handful of Zuzu's petals to remind us that the loss of an ideal doesn't mean we lose everything. We can't go back and be unborn, we can't un-meet people who have hurt us or unhurt people we've betrayed, we can't even unmarry our spouse. We just can't go back and undo anything. We can just live today for what we have today.

If only it were that easy...

I really doubt that there is anyone alive over 40 years old who does not have lingering pain.

What I am wondering ... is the lingering pain also a source of lingering wisdom?

Thinking in analogies again today...my H has a scar on his arm from a car accident in high school during which he was thrown from the car window because he wasn't wearing his seat belt. That scar is visible to him every time he puts the key in the ignition. It's been seventeen years since that car accident and the pain from all of his injuries is long gone. However, when he sees that scar, it reminds him to put on his seat belt to protect himself from further injury.

I think the lingering pain is quite similar to that scar. Years down the road we will all still bear the emotional scars from our encounters with infidelity. No doubt, if we choose to dwell on the pain that inflicted those wounds, we could still carry that pain long into the future. But for those of us who are recovering, those wounds are scarring over, leaving what will amount to not lingering PAIN in the future, but a lingering reminder of the pain that could be inflicted should we choose to leave our marriages vulnerable.

I'll have to think about this some, Pep.
Spontaneously I would say, no.
I spend too much time fretting about the future... all the what if scenarios.

Wow Camo.... this ia an awesome anology that I will carry with me always (being a BS).

Thanks for bringing my heart a little peace by giving it a better way to look at it.

Luz.

I read or heard somewhere something very similar....

Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past.

I know that I am guilty of doing this still....after 10 months. I am still hoping that if I work hard enough or think about it long enough...the past will turn out better. I am trying as hard as I can to live in the present...b/c just like WhoMe, I am in a much better marriage now than I was before and I have a husband who is completely in love with me and shows me every single day how sorry he is and how devoted he is to me...and I know that never would have happened without the A.

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Reading this makes since.Thanks for all your inputs i don't want to admitt this but just like WhoMe and truetoself my marriage is so much better because of the A.I would of done anything to have all these feeling i have now,If they only came out before the A.My H is such a loving person and is able to open up and be a great H and a great dad.If only he knew hoe before his A.
Thanks pepperband for starting this thread,Ig helped me think of things in a new light.

#1mom

That's me! Or at least it needs to be. I'm at a point where I need to put the past behind us. It's not even the A. It's the years before the A that he shut himself off from me. He even says he doesn't know who that person was. That alien is gone and the loving man I married 9 years ago is back. I guess I think I can prevent it from happening again if I analyze it enough. There are a few old issues we need to deal with in going forward. However, I know there are some things I just need to let go of because they can't be fixed.

Thats what I see myself doing. I sit and look back and wish I could go back and fix what went wrong. I am always saying If Only....

Pep your right though I cannot fix what happened last year or even this morning. I have to look forward and learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them.

I have learned a lot aobut myself I never saw before. And I know now what I need to fix in me to make any relationship better in the future be that with my WH or someone new.

I just wish WH could understand the changes I am making are real and let go of the past and his fears of it repeating all over again. But that is his decsison nothing I can do to make him want to do it.

So living in the past and trying to fix it is futal so no sense in even thinking about anymore.....