Yes! From now on I will think of you as DARKMAN...

Not in STAGES..RIGHT AWAY...

If I can do it, you can do it...

Start your own thread and come on here for SUPPORT.....

DARK..DARK..DARK...LIGHTS OUT....

Don't use the kids. Do you have a mutual friend? If not, maybe your pastor would be willing to pass on the message when she is willing to reconcile.

Mimi,

I will "JFDI" as I learned in a leadership seminar I have been thru. As in "just ****** do it! Pass the candles it just went black.

It may have gone black in another way today also. As you can tell from my screen name I like to hunt. A good friend called me today with an unbelieveable offer. He has a group going to Mexico tomorrow to hunt and one guy cancelled last minute. He asked me to go and went on to say it would cost me nothing. The trip was already paid for all I had to do was bring spending money. 5 days in Mexico at a Hunting Lodge meals and drinks included -free. I CAN"T GO!!!!!!!!!

We are implementing a whole new system and organization in my office and I am the department head so I have to be here Monday for the meetings to start the ball rolling. THIS SUCKS HARD!!!

Sorry
dukhuntr

wish you could go. It would have been a good break for you.

Hang tough! Like you I hope after a D there may still be hope for me and my WH.

[/quote] "CONTINUE TO EXPOSE... This so freeing..Tell everybody you know. You are in the RIGHT. He is in the WRONG. This is an essential battle strategy. This will get back to one of them and they will continually BE SHAMED. Don't believe that others are supportive of what they are doing...I had fantasies of fencing them in her house so they wouldn't want to come out. This turned out to be truer than I believed at the time. They took back roads and snuck around town while I took the main roads and let everybody know what my H was doing..."

is it really ok to continue to expose Mimi? Even after a year? I did that tonight and I feel horrible about it. My H was off playing cards and I sent him a text message to call me from his friends house and not his cell (basically to verify where he was.) His friend then called me from my H's cell phone and said he was his alibi (intending it as a joke and not knowing about my H's A.) I told him thanks for calling and that H needs an alibi and he should ask him why he needs an alibi.
Of course little old me text msgd my H back and said he could've asked any old person to call me, as I've only met this friend once and do not know his voice. I said all I want is for you to call me from his home phone. He did with out any problem and all is fine. H didn't grumble about it or anything after he got home.

Just a bump for Mimi.

mimi,
sorry to bug you. You've got a good thread going and I'm trying to pump you for info... I think your situation was similar to mine. Can you please take a look at my last post in this thread?
Many thanks in advance...
lt

LT, Duk, and Suzy:

I will be sure to get back to each of you at least by tomorrow morning.

I don't have much time to post on the weekends.

Take good care...

LT:

I think you are referring to this post:



A part of me was probably trying to avoid talking about this..

Looking back, this was my biggest mistake:

DENIAL THAT MY H WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR...YUK

I didn't admit this to myself or discover the A, which actually was SIMPLE, until the A was coming to its end...

The A had lasted more than two years and my H had gotten outlandish in rubbing it into my face by that time. I think he was trying to tell me by making it clear..I mean, how could I think anything else when he started spending each weekend and one night per week gone...Plus, he stopped having SF with me..YUK....

WOW..I WAS SO DUMB AND STUPID...

I keep thinking how I could have stopped this thing a long time ago...

That was the thing during PLAN A..My WH kept saying, "Why are you making these changes, now? (after I have become so deep into this other relationship)..for all this time I thought you didn't care about me.."

I never felt guilty about being suspicious once I got on to him..He became so flagrant there at the end..and I became determined to discover who she was and to try to stop it...

I STARTED FIGHTING FOR MY MARRIAGE..THANK GOD....

Suzy:

You asked me about EXPOSURE...

EXPOSURE is not part of RECOVERY...during which you and your H are working as a TEAM, sharing with those with whom you TWO agree to be open and honest with..

Are you in RECOVERY?

Has your WH agreed to extraordinary precautions? Are you spending most of your recreational time together? No contact letter sent? No means of contact with the OW?

You know the drill....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

DUK!!!

Well, alrighty then....

JFDI...

Mimi,

Thanks. This gives me another thread of hope. I first asked my H if he was having an affair with Skunkypoo in summer of 2001!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I chose to believe him. Slowly but surely he changed from a loving, conscientious partner to a selfish, mean monster. And I took it all. My self esteem was slowly, but surely chipped away ... I was in such denial, but it was so clear. I just could not believe that my husband and this woman that pretended to be my friend and was the godmother of my youngest could actually sit at my table week after week and let me wait on them hand and foot and the whole time be betraying me. Sometimes I wonder if WH even slept with us on the same day occasionally. YUK!!!

Denial. Shoulda coulda woulda. IF I had not been in denial, the A would not have become so entrenched. Now WH seems to think it is perfectly normal to treat his wife so lousy and I should just get over it so we can all be hunky dory friends again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Did you know the OP?

It is amazing, Mimi, that you made it though all of this. I hope that you and your H are really, really happy and experiencing some real growth.

Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me strength to hang in there with my dark Plan B.

I'm there with you, LT..

I just couldn't believe it.."Not MY husband"....

He now says, "Why not me?"



That's the FOGGY, WS THINKING, LT....



I find it AMAZING that I made it through this too. It had to be with the help of the GOOD LORD.. I had to maintain my faith in HIM..that HE would bring me through one way or the other..it has been a MIRACULOUS JOURNEY for me..

My H and I are truly happier than ever before...

But I wouldn't have wanted to go through what I have gone through to get here though...

I guess this is the story of my life and I have to just live it....

I don't know the OP at all really..She's just a young girl who worked as a receptionist at a professional's office that we frequented..Started with my H flirting with her and, of course, with her flirting back..Out of the fog, my H now sees her for what she is...

Like I said before...

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, IF NOT FOR THE MARRIAGE, FOR YOURSELF.... TO COME OUT OF THIS VICTORIOUS

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

I had a lot of time over the weekend to think about all that has gone on with the EX. The months of lies and deceptions during the A. The lies about the credit cards before during and after the A. The intercepting the mail after D-day, etc. Each time I do this I start to question myself if on why I still want her back. Is this something you struggled with also? I know in my heart I will always love her, but how did you manage to keep your love alive and breathing during all of this?

I understand that by going to my dark place with her I keep from adding to the negatives but how did you deal with what had already happened? Another problem is that her friends that are still close to her all seem to need to rationalize for her when they run into me. This brings me right back to near D-Day levels of anger and emotion. Why would these people feel compelled to do this? Is it to feel okay about themselves as they continue to socialize with her? Mind you I have known these gals for 28 years also and have been in their weddings and so on also. None of them have put any of the blame on me or questioned me as a husband. They just say something to the effect of this is all about her and and her happiness. Do they really believe this in their own mind? I just wish sometimes one of her close friends would have stood up to her and questioned her about how she just walked away without trying to fix the problems she felt we had. Heck I would still like to hear what those were. Our last communication a few weeks ago she still had not figured those out enough to tell me what they were.

Well I need to get going on my meetings that prevented the trip to Mexico so I will be looking for your input later today. Thanks for your thoughts, I just need to hear another perspective on this. Mine is the same old record that plays over and over in my mind constantly.

Duk:

You said:



I guess I went into PLAN B before I got to the place of "not loving"...This is the purpose of PLAN B to lock the love that you have left for her away for safekeeping...



I understood and believed that he was ADDICTED and UNDER THE INFLUENCE, CRAZED, NOT HIMSELF..That has proved to be true...



I would not engage in conversations with these "FRIENDS" if I were you..not really "FRIENDS" of yours or hers either if they are supportive of what she is doing...

However, CONTINUE TO EXPOSE AND SPEAK THE TRUTH OF THE WRONGNESS OF WHAT SHE IS DOING....

I'VE LEARNED WHO MY TRUE FRIENDS ARE..CAN COUNT THEM ON ONE HAND...



Your WW will remain CLUELESS as long as she is involved in the A and addicted to the OM...

STAY STRONG AND DARK, DUK.....

DUK,
Because I knew the person my WH was before the A, I just knew that the things he was doing were things he would at some point regret....it was just crazy stuff! He would have outrageous rationalizations for some of it....trying to justify it for himself I guess...

Even now, I think it's hard for him to accept some of it.

And I have chosen to let it go.....

Mimi and Shugah,

Thanks for your thoughts, I hope you are both right. I will be dark as hard as it is and I will stay away from the "friends". It's been 8 months of seperation now and it is still on my mind constantly. Does this become less consuming any time soon? I have been more active than anytime in my life recently and it still manages to dominate my thoughts every day.

I am seriously concerned about the upcoming holidays and my kids. They are 24 and 21 but I know they too are dreading this time of year already. I have told them both that we will be doing the same things with my family on the same schedule as normal. I am letting them decide what they want to do. They know what time and where I will be and they can decide where they want to be and when. Is there a better way of making this easier for them?

I know my EX is finding it hard to accept what she did only that seems to be less hard for her than ending the A. She has told me she fells she treated me terribly and that she does not know why she couldn't be open to me and discuss her issues. Is the fog so thick during an A that they don't know what was missing in the M before the A? All I know is while this was going on and before I found out different, I thought I had a wonderful marriage. So did everyone around us including all the relatives. I just can't believe totally anymore that she could keep this A alive thru 8 months of secrecy and now 8 more months of seperation and still not have a clue as to why it happened.

I do know now that she is totally non-confrontational. I am of the opinion she just does not want to tell me anything even as an EX because of this. She can not even be upfront and honest about the credit cards yet let alone our M. Can someone like this learn to be open and honest or is it not reasonable to expect this kind of change ever? My MC who I chose because he is very pro-marriage does not think she could change in the next year or even two. He thinks she will need several years of unhappiness and continued problems to learn she needs to address this in herself.

I have told him I hope he is wrong on this issue and he is helping me now learn to cope with being alone and living for myself and my kids. It's sure been slow to develop though.

<<<BUMP>>>

DUK:

I think it will help you feel better when you are able to maintain NC with her during PLAN B..

In regards to your children, it will help them for you to remain their ROCK. In discussions with my children who are in the same age bracket as yours, I've been encouraging them more and more to focus on creating their own lives..to work on making sure that they find the right partner with whom they can form a commitment...It's sort of a blessing that they are young ADULTS now and can use this as a learning experience for their own relationships...



Yes..My H actually rewrote facts of our history...starting to believe his own lies..YUK...



It is up to you to do the THINKING now..She is not capable of this...Have you read HIS NEEDS,HER NEEDS? What NEEDS is the OM meeting? I think you will find many ANSWERS FOR YOURSELF in that reading...It's more important for YOU to understand for your own PERSONAL RECOVERY at this point...



I will answer this based on my own personal experience. My FWH has changed back into himself, even a better version of himself...once out of the fog. THE FOG IS REAL... It has taken a FULL TWO YEARS in RECOVERY for it to actually and fully CLEAR...



I don't mean to question your MC because it sounds like you have a good one. However, I don't know how an EXACT TIME FRAME can be placed on this...I think there's a theory that it takes two years for a romance/affair to run it's course. I can buy that...

HANG IN THERE and TAKE CARE....STAY DARK....

In my case it took 2 years for the Affair to fizzle and die, we were separated the entire time. And even though the A was failing for a long time, WH still put on a show that everything was happy, happy, happy!

My counselor also said similar things to yours, I just knew that he wasn't nearly informed about infidelity as I was (READ, READ, READ!!)and so I disagreed....he even went so far as to advise me not to read so much!....WELL, I came armed with a stack of dog-eared and highlighted books the next time!! We had a good discussion and laugh around that one!! We had a good relationship however and he was helpful in many ways, and was supportive of my efforts to recover my marriage even though we disagreed on the odds of it happening.

It can be a difficult concept to focus on your own healing and acceptance of the possibility that your Marriage may not recover and still hold on to hope that it can.
But keep in mind that without your own personal healing, the chances of healing your marriage are diminished.

At this point the only thing that you can control is your own healing, your own life....stay busy and focused on that as much as possible and let the Affair run it's course....other than exposure there's not a whole lot more you can do.