I have been preparing a Plan B letter in the event that I will need to use it and would like comments on the content. I used a sample from a previous Plan B letter and modified it somewhat. I don't know when or if I will use it but I want to be ready now. Thanks...




Dear WW,

Although I have ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you and to make you feel loved. The hand holding, the hugs, public affection, letting you know how beautiful and appreciated you are, to name a few. I now see the things that I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important that was to us. I now know.

I have made mistakes in the past that hurt you and that cannot be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair with OM to happen. I regret that we find ourselves in the situation we are now in. I never imagined this would happen to us.

I'm aware that my behavior in the past contributed in part to your unhappiness and the emotional estrangement between us. I have worked very hard these past 5 months to overcome that behavior, not only for you, but for me and our darling daughter and son as well. I wanted to be a better husband, a better father, but most importantly a better person. The changes I've made have improved my relationships with many of the people in my life, especially daughter and son. We are closer now than ever. People can change if they're willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for who they are. I did that and I'm proud of the person I have become and will always strive to be better.

I still believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and desire we can begin to slowly rebuild the love that was the foundation of our marriage and start to become a family again, for our sake and that of our kids. Think of how happy our family would be if our kids had parents who are in love with each other. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said "I do". I'm not naive, I know there's been a lot of damage done. We would likely need the help of a pro-marriage councclor to guide us in learning better ways to communicate, meet each other's emotional needs and begin to rekindle the spark of emotional intimacy between us. It won't be easy, but it can be done.

I've suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage falling apart and learning about your relationship with <OM>, but I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me and our family. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain has became too much to bear and I cannot continue to live the way we are, so I had no choice but to separate for my own emotional well being. This wasn't an easy thing for me to do, but it was a necessary step. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I do not want this seperation. I want to be your husband, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of your kids, it is simply too painful. Therefore, I must ask you not to contact me except for issues regarding the kids. This is something I believe is necessary to preserve and protect the love I still have for you before it slips away. I have asked your sister to be a liason between us and you may e-mail me at my work.

As always, I will continue to be the best father I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our kids’ happiness and make their life as fulfilling as possible.

I love you WW. You will always be very special to me. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and assurance that <OM> is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love,
<H>

I like it.

It definitely fits into the mold of a 'classic' Plan B letter.

Good Luck.

Jim

Hope,

I am definitely not a Plan B letter expert but do have some advice. As always, take it for what it is worth.

PlanB letters need to be 4 sentences long unless there are children involved ,where it expands to 5 sentences.

WS's are not in possesion of their faculties(otherwise ALL your previous arguments with your WS would have already turned her around). Their attention span when dealing with anything other than their OP is 2 minutes.

Tops.

And that might be generous.

Write the letter as if it had to be read AND understood by a six year old.

Best of luck, my prayers go with you

HTW,

I will agree with Cymanca. Much too long, particularly in 'fogland'.

PBL really needs to be short and to the point.

I've seen longer Plan B Letters... (written a few longer)...
...and this one is a bit wordy...

but...
the intent is to be the 'final' form of communications.

If the WS doesn't want to read it in its entirety,
it doesn't matter if its 4 words or 4 sentences or 4 pages.

Being too mushy(needy)... that may be an issue.
But use whatever it takes to get the 'final' message across.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jim

HTW,
I'm not a plan B letter expert. It looks like you put a lot of heart and thought into this letter....but...its too long. I'm not sure what to cut out but keep it simple, loving but not mushey...you stated your boundaries well, but do you want her emailing you?

ark^^is really good at PBL. I'm sure others will weigh in.

^^^^bump^^^^

for assistance

hope, that is good, but it needs to be about half that length. Condense the first 3 paragraphs into one paragraph with about 5 sentences. I had to pore over it twice to get the point so be sure that your point [no contact with her] is clear and concise. Take the last 4 paragraphs and condense them into 1-2 short paragraphs. Remember the mental state of your audience is very detached and foggy so its best to cut to the chase.

I've shortened my Plan B letter a little and would like comments please...



Dear WW,

Although I have ALWAYS loved you with my heart and soul, I made you feel that EVERYTHING was more important to me than you. It never was the case, but that is how I made you feel and for that I am sorry. I have recognized those errors in judgment and have learned from them. I still believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. Think of how happy our family would be if our kids had parents who are in love with each other.

I've suffered tremendous pain from seeing our marriage falling apart and learning about your relationship with <OM>, but I never stopped loving you and I never forgot what a wonderful person you are and how much joy you brought me and our family. That gave me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain has became too much to bear and I cannot continue to live the way we are, so I had no choice but to separate for my own emotional well being. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I do not want this separation, I want to be your husband. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the father of your kids, it is simply too painful. Therefore, I must ask you not to contact me except for issues regarding the kids. As always, I will continue to be the best father I can be and do whatever is necessary to insure our kids’ happiness and make their life as fulfilling as possible.

I love you WW. You will always be very special to me. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and assurance that <OM> is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love,
<H>

I like it except for this:


That is contact and will ruin your Plan B. You will never be able to detach from her if you are talkng to her evry day. Just look at Gramm, his W calls him about all manner of nonsense that she considers "important" and continually sucks him back into her crap. She uses this contact to control him. If you go into Plan B, I would designate an imtermediary instead.

What is your plan on Plan B, Hope? To give this to her when she leaves?

Mel, I would like to talk to SH one more time to see what he thinks. Last time I spoke to him (a few weesk ago) he could sense that my energy level was dropping and stated that Plan B would be the way to go.

At this point Plan B is for me since I don't think it will have any effect on my WW. She just seems so determined right now.

Good idea. However, I disagree that it will have no effect on your W. I think it will be a huge shock.

Mel, what if I replaced that with the following:

If you need to contact me, please do so via email or through your sister.

"Please do not contact me except in an emergency. For urgent matters, contact my sister and have her pass on the message."

You don't want her to contact you at all by email, that is contact.