My FWH has maintained his no contact for several months. OW has tried many different avenues to contact him, but none that I could bring to her CO. There is no concrete proof all these calls are from her.

A little history...He fishes and is on several state committees (for making rules). He is also the president of a 500 member fishing club.This club has a forum which of course he posts to. OW joined the club during the A and is still posting to it. H also frequents another fishing forum and changed his name after the A. OW obviously found it. Recently after a committee meeting, I mean right as he got into his truck, his cell rang 3 times with calls from an AT&T calling card(I googled it). But can't prove it's her.
So about a week ago, about the time he posted under his new name, he got a bmail. It supposedly was a guy who had seen him at one of these meetings and was badgering him about the "butt ugly" woman that he was with(me). OW had friends of hers at that committee meeting, but I know it wasn't them. This was her. So here again she has tried contact, but no proof to show CO.

Then today H went fishing. He called to tell me that there was an envelope on his boat. He did not open it, and he threw it in the dumpster. I thought it would have been a good idea to have kept it as some kind of evidence against her, but it's too late.

So OW continues to try to contact, but I cannot prove that the calls (there have been other blocked calls), the bmail, the letter now, were from her. But this all drives me crazy. I'm trying to stop obsessing over her, but I can't when she is STILL THERE. And actively trying to contact my H. It is a major stunbling block. My H is doing everything he can to maintain NC. He is transparent.

When he ended the affair it was very abrupt. H, OW and several firends had spent the night fishing. He called me from the dock, then left and has never seen her again. One minute he's hers and the next minute she never sees him again. He called her to say it was over 2 days later and there were several emails and an instant message chat that I allowed so she could have her say, but there was not ever a REAL NC letter. Should we at this point send one? I almost think that it would make things worse. Almost like stirring the pot.

There was no question in the emails and IM that was done that the A was over and he did not want any contact from her. But a formal NC letter was never sent.

I think she wants to vent her anger and if we send one now, she'll want to try harder.

All I know is that I'm having alot of trouble with this. I broke down when the nasty bmail was sent about my looks, (OW is considered HOT by everyone I know) so my comparisons have really done me in. In any event husband felt that maybe he should not have told me about it. But I made it CLEAR AS DAY that any contact from OW must be told to me.

So here I am, struggling with my self esteem, and getting hammered by OW about my looks. G*d, I really want to lash back at her and contact her. But I still haven't because it's obvious that she can still hurt me. I can't get her out of my life.

Any advice? 2x4's welcome.

I think he needs to send a no contact letter. It should say that his relationship with her was a huge mistake, that he loves his wife, and will not contact her for any reason. Then he could add that she needs to not contact him, and don't make him seek legal recourse.

hmmmmm

perhaps the NC letter needs to be REALLY public ... like in the Fishing Newsletter or sompin like that....

This message is to THE person trying to make trouble in my marriage by sending messages and leaving notes. STOP IT NOW. I love my wife. You are UNwelcome in our lives. Any further efforts to make trouble for us will be considered to be harassment. LEAVE US ALONE.

signed mr and mrs.

Believer,
I would be glad to do this and H would too. However, knowing OW I think she would try harder. Should we do it any way?
Pep,
Interesting thought. I don't know how public I want to get. hmmmmmmm.

I really like Pep's idea. You don't have to name her. She'll know.
p

I have never been where you are. However, I think the No Contact letter is mandatory along with a brief, polite statement that she needs to cease all contact as opposed to forcing there to be legal action on the matter. (The veiled allusion to a Restraining Order.)

Moveforward and Cinderella,
Thanks for your input. I think an NC letter may be the way to go, but Pep I am contemplating your idea. I'd love to see her expression.

Just a note, when my H got back from fishing today he said that a few other things were done to his boat. Not real damage, but the shore power had been disconnected and some clips had been cut. These are small irritating things, but it could be her new way of harassing us. His batteries were already dead,we just bought new ones this week, so if it had rained alot the bilge pumps would not have worked and that can sink a boat. I'm going to see if I can get some surveillance out there. I would love to catch her and have her arrested.

Now that I read Pep's idea, that sounds better.

H went to Venezuela today with a PhD who studies marlin. They're going to do some serious fish tagging. H called when he got there and said PhD told him that OW had tried to get PhD to allow her to come on the trip. She had pushed really hard, but PhD said no. I told H about a month ago that I thought OW would try anything to get to see him alone. And that I would not put it past her to try to go there(the trip had been planned since their A earlier in the year). So she knew he was going.

It really doesn't surprise me, but in a way it does. Is she just totally crazy? Does she think at this point that she can get him back? Or is she just wanting to harass him further and vent her anger? I guess maybe both.

I'm not the type of person that hates anyone, but this woman is trying my patience. As soon as he gets home I guess we'll have to do NC letter. This just blows me away. This is a professional(dentist) who is a Lt CMDR in our military and she is NUTS!

Just needed to vent.

Call her CO anyway and be upfront about the fact you don't have CONCRETE evidence, but your certainly have your suspicions (affair partner, etc, etc)

At a MINIMUM, a good CO would still have a talk with her and tell her that, IF the story he/she heard is true, OW had better knock it off! A minor "shot across her bow".

The same thing happened to Kelly Flynn (remember her?). Her CO had heard some rumors before the evidence was solid. BUT...he never said anything to her, which MAY have stopped her.

Most CO's take that case as a "Lesson Learned" and I am sure most will attempt to get a wayward subordinate back on track before the evidence forces them into the REALLY unpleasant measures.

Still actively pursue gathering evidence and as soon as you get it, give it to her CO immediately.

Michelle, I think you must contact the CO at this point. Write out a list of attempted contacts with a date timeline and tell him that she is stalking you and H. Start documenting everything. Tell the CO that your next step is the police to obtain a restraining order.

WHnowBS and MelodyLane,
Thanks for your advice. I have tried so hard not to be ugly with OW. I've ignored her and tried not to obsess over her, but she sure makes it hard. I've got all the evidence I would need to show there was an affair. Heck, SHE even sent the xxx pics.
I do have some evidence of continued effort to contact on her part, but not as of recent. Just alot of phone calls with bogus numbers. Even today, got a call on H's cell(I have his because he's out of the country). I answered it and the person hung up. Oh well. I guess I'm staring the answer in the face.
Thanks again you two. You both have been very supportive of me and I really appreciate that. I just wish she'd stop.

Bless your heart, Michele, you have been through so much. Just think of busting her to her CO as a public service. Maybe it will help prevent her from doing this to someone else's marriage.

Michele:

I would want to know are you 100% completely sire, without any shadow of a doubt that your WH has not been an accessory to the contacts at any time. He may very well not be, but it is my perception that when continued contact attempts are made repeatdely to a F-WH/WS, there is at least some accomodation by the Wayward. Yes, I could be wrong, but IF I WERE YOU, I would just be very very "open" to all possibioities without making accusations or anything.

Yes, she may be "crazy", but even if this isn't the popular thing to say here, I would say that the "other people" we see as crazy usually get some help from our Wayward Husbands/Wifes along the way.

Venting is good for you...just keep your eyes and ears open. I am by nature a pessimist with infidelity (I admit that), and I smell something here. I am probably wrong (like most things I say here), but thought I would just weigh in.

Feel free to discard any thing I say.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Melody, LOL... a public service! That's great! Really I believe OW feels that she should be able to have anyone she chooses even if they are M. This has been going on now for over 5 months and she can't stand being ignored. But she hasn't given up either. I must admit she is very persistent, crazy, but persistent.

I feel that I could truly damage her career with all of the stuff I have. I even have an email where she tells my husband that he should get a lawyer...it's really not that awful... then I can really love you...blah, blah, blah. Then all the suicide stuff, etc. I could hang her.

hmmmm... oh the tangled web.

I know I've been holding out. I really hate this.


Lemon,
I've seen you post this before to others, so I have been watching very carefully. I am 99.9% sure he is not egging her on.
There is a mutual friend that may be part of the problem without even knowing it. He fishes with H all the time and is loyal to him. But he does have contact with OW. So he tells her what he has been doing and by doing so basically tells OW what H is doing. We have told him not to let OW know about H's comings and goings and I feel confident that he is doing as we ask. But...I can't help but feel that just by talking to his friend, OW is somehow getting a fix of H. Does that sound a little weird? I didn't really think about that until you posted Lemon. Could that be possible?

In any case, thanks for posting. All views are welcome.

Well, the only reason I posted to you was to get you to think "outside" the box. Look and relook at all "possible" leaks. This mutual friend of your WH's and the OW is probably strongly likned here...where there is smoke?????

Just an observation...perhaps I am wrong, and all of the repeated contact attempts are 100% the result of the crazy OW who has not been able to reconcile being dumped by your Husband. Your Husband is probably just 100% innocent here.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Heck..I have some goofy brain chemicals floating in and out tonight..

How bout doing what they did in "grumpy old men"?

Take a fish and toss it in the backseat of her car...

Will be a symbol of her affair...the stench...the fish...the fact fish is now hidden...

heck, it'd be fun. I would do it!

justpeachy,
LOL...all I would need to do is run down to the pier and grab one. Kids are at a sleepover and H is out of the country! I could do all kinds of mischief. Gee it's been at least 10 years since I've been home alone all night.

I could have a lot of fun!

Lem,
My eyes are open. I have asked H if his friend and he talk about OW. Usually they don't, but if they do, is that a form of contact?

I love it.....bust her to her CO and get her little self ordered to have a psych eval with the suicide comments. Do the U. S. Armed Forces a big favor and out this woman.

Look into a restraining offer. Change the telephone numbers if you have to. And the e-mail addresses. And, if your husband considers it appropriate, he may want to give up - temporarily - his public activities with the fishing group (or whatever kind of group that is).

And your H may have to be much more careful what he tells his 'friend' - the affair may have to be exposed there also. What kind of a friend would it be who continually placed a friend's marriage in jeopardy.

Cinderella,
H said he would quit the club if need be. He's been in it for over a decade and it's a big part of him, so I was happy to hear that he would leave it if we deemed it necessary.

H's friend does know about the affair. OW told him back in June, when H left her. I don't know what she told him exactly, but he knows it was an A. They were all freinds and fished together alot. But he was friends with my H first and is loyal to him.
However I don't know that he is causing problems in this sitch. I will have to examine it more carefully though. And ask him directly. He may not understand his role as a friend here. He is a good guy. He would not hurt us intentionally.

These are thoughts that I hadn't addressed. So this is good. I will take notice. Thanks.

But I know what is probably inevitable. I will have to expose to her CO. I don't look forward to that.