Hi,
I haven't been on here for a while. We were in MC but It went nowhere.
So now I need advice on Divorce terms.
I believe my STBX is a narcissist and Passive Aggressive. No, I'm not just throwing those out there. Lots of evidence of it. That's not my question.
He is insisting he wants shared parenting. I think that is just asking for more trouble from him.
Is there any valid reason for him to request shared parenting? He's a traveling man and has not had much to do with any decisions regarding the kids anyway. Of course he tells a different story now. I've always let him know what was going on, but never asked for his input on anything such as Dr.s, schools etc.

I have a similar situation.

Ever since my STBX left us, he has insisted that he wants shared parenting. He doesn't travel much, unlike your STBX, but he is a teacher and plays in a band, so he works some long, late hours.

Also, since he left and moved in with Omelette (OW) he has become quite a party animal, pretends he's her age, and has started smoking again (because she does). I'm also pretty sure that STBX has a serious drink problem. Omelette is his enabler.

I also always told him what was going on with our kids, but made most of the decisions myself (also went to most of the school parent evenings, etc on my own).

I've been a SAHM for most of the kids' lives, too. I think that his insistence on shared parenting is due partly to his own feelings of guilt, out of an attempt to 'normalise' his affair, and also because he misses his kids so much.

Of course, it depends what you mean by 'shared parenting'. I think it might mean something different over here (I'm in the UK). Shared parenting here means a more or less 50/50 split between parents, with the kids having two 'homes'. Some people consider it shared parenting if the kids spend a couple of nights a month with the absent parent. I assume this isn't what your STBX wants?

My STBX has threatened court action if I don't allow him shared parenting. This is B$. Firstly, he had an affair and left his children to live with the Omelette. Secondly, we have two girls (makes a difference over here). Thirdly, I am their 'Primary carer' (being the SAHM).

What I have offered him is visitation once a week and 2 night overnight stays every other weekend. My atty says this is pretty standard. He also gets them 2 weeks during the summer break.

None of this will happen until we are divorced. I won't have them exposed to the Omelette whilst he is still married to their mother.

Take care.

Alph.

It sounds like your STBX wants 50% visitation...so I understand why he's asking for shared parenting (not that you should give it to him)Is there anything else besides the 50% visitation that's involved with shared parenting?
I'm confused as to why my STBX is asking for it.
I think he is just trying to keep control. He's panicking because this wasn't his idea. I was wondering what valid reason he could have to want it. He's not asking for any more visitation than the standard amount. 25%
He doesn't want to have the kids 50% or anything...what would the advantage be for him?
I think it's just a control thing with him, of course he denies that. He says he's afraid I'll stop him from seeing the kids in the future due to his varied schedule. He wants to be able to give me 2 days notice and get the kids, whenever he wants. (up to his 25% I assume) I don't see a problem with that, for the most part, but I don't think it requires shared parenting to do it?
I'm confused as to what shared parenting means, I guess. I know some use the 50 -50 time thing here and some don't. He doesn't want anything dif. for visitation, so why? What is the real purpose of it?

I don't want to be unreasonable about anything...I want him to have access to his kids...I just want him to leave me alone. Should I agree to shared???
The main reason for this divorce is his extreme control and verbal abuse.
I don't want that to continue! I'm afraid that's what the shared parenting would do!
Any insight would be appreciated.
Thanks!

In my state, there is a differention between legal custody (shared) and parenting time. Some X's want 50/50 parenting time to minimize their CS obligation.
Good luck to you. My X is both NPD and PA, and it's difficult. He didn't get 50/50 parenting. He demanded a psychological eval. and he got less custody than offered.
Now 2 years later, he's threatening again to fight for 50/50.
I do believe it is a control issue, they don't want to be parents equally, but NPD just want the control.

50/50 time could indeed lessen CS obligations.

Fortunately for me, by stbx is still a good dad. He has the children Tues/Wed nights and every other weekend. Kids have really adjusted well as our parenting is very similar, rules are similar, etc. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. It's nice to talk to others who have been through it. (and survived) Since your X seems to have the same problems as mine...does he give you lots of trouble even though you're D'd ?
I can't find any logical reason for his wanting shared parenting.
We are just starting the D process. He hasn't moved out yet. I have to get the court to order him out and we haven't gotten into court yet. Meanwhile he's driving me crazy. He rented a storage area and started to move some of his ( I thought) stuff out.
He constantly says he doesn't want to anger/upset me. Then, whenever my back is turned, or I have to leave the house, he takes things from the house. Nothing a any real value (we really don't have anything valuable) but it's still my stuff. Things like pots and pans from the kitchen (some of which were my late mothers) He even has gone so far as to take the unopened bottles of cold medicine, kids chest rub, toothbrushes, etc. He uses the excuse that he paid for 1/2 of it. Some of the things he takes are 100% mine from before we were married. My lawyer has told him that nothing is to be removed until things are settled. But He just denies that he's taking anything...Until I catch him. Then he gives back what he took, claims stress, swears he won't do it anymore, etc.. I feel like a prisoner. If I go to the grocery I wonder what he's taking while I'm gone. It's such silly things that I know I won't miss half of it until some time in the future when I'm looking for something.
He says he wants to be agreeable and settle the D... then he started pushing for shared parenting. No extra time, no less support but he claims he HAS to have shared parenting.

I'll be so glad when this is over. So how bad will it be after he's out? How much trouble can he stir up from outside the house...what can I expect?
Thanks for listening to me rant :-) I don't have much family left and no close friends to talk to. It helps to just vent.
Any insight is appreciated.
Thanks again!

I think you need to define what he means by "shared parenting". If it is just joint decision making - in my state this is required - and could be an easy negotiating point for you. If it is time - that's where the difficulties come in.

My state has a parent education class to help parents understand the system. There are also some great books out there. Mom's House/Dad's house is a good one to give you ideas.

My X will always be a pain. I think the GF or his mother are pushing him now to request more time - but then he sabotages it by not taking more time. And he couldn't communicate during the M, and does even less now. I think he believes his time is fun time, so no homework, no concerns over what goes on in school. He won't return phone calls - to discuss school issues. It's very frustrating. And the NPD in him leads him to tell me "I think I'm the better parent". Yes, it is easy to parent when you take no responsibility for homework, parent teacher conferences, counselors, dentist or doctor appts.
Get ready for the long haul - you've got quite a rollercoaster ride on your hands. I learn more from my kids than he will ever tell me.

Look in the newspaper for a local divorce support group. They can be very helpful to you in guiding you through the process in your area, and as confidantes to you. There are kids support groups too. www.rainbows.org may be in your area.

I was married in 1996 too. It must have been a big year for NPD's.

Also, don't sweat the same stuff. It's only stuff. Remember Hurricane katrina and all that was lost to remember what is really important.

That's the problem...I don't think he knows why he wants it himself. Just that someone told him he should have it. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with it...but he's far from normal. If you are required by shared parenting to make joint decisions I can see him causing me major problems. That's what he loves..to argue about every decision that will ever be made. He'll take an opposing view to anything I'm in favor of every single time.
I'm in Ohio so I don't think the laws are the same. I know my lawyer said if you don't get along, you don't want shared parenting. So it sounds like it's not a requirement.

Get the book I mentioned. It will really help explain stuff to you. You can also likely get info on custody from your local court system. I'm from Hamilton County. Are you?

I'll look for the book. was it : mom's house/dad's house ?
I know I shouldn't get upset about the "stuff" he takes. After I calm down. I would give him most of it, if he had just asked. but asking would defeat his real purpose...to upset me. It's the lying and sneaking that really P*** me off. At this point I would give him anything if he would just leave the house.
I'm from Clinton County...small world.
You had stated that joint legal was required in Ohio. That's not what my lawyer told me. He stated that it was only suitable for people that get along well, with no arguing.

I've another question. ( I'm going to ask lawyer tomorrow, if I can reach him) STBX plans to buy a new truck $$$$ He intends to finance it. This doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Would I be liable since we are still married? Can he be made to wait to do this??

I'm from OH, now in NJ. Different states have different rules. Here, joint legal is implied, but everyday decisions default to the PPR (Parent of primary residence).

If you have already filed for a D, then you are protected financially from his purchases.

Do some searches on your county website for the legal definitions of custody. It may save you some legal $.
Look for some support groups, they can be invaluable, and speed your recovery. My kids are 4 years from separation, and it affects them daily.