I've been married to this wonderful man and Father for 11years. Well 3 years ago we got married been together for 11. He has had this friend all along he has worked with etc. She is a single mom and is known as the slut of the town but I always trusted him because he would not risk his family and I thought he loved me but we had grown apart of the years. The stress of two wonderful children 9 and 6 and us just barely making enough to survive had separated us. We did not have much in common. I went extreme and didn't drink or smoke pot or party or like socializing all I wanted to do was be on my computer and make money for us. He went the other extreme and worked as a bartender for years and partied every night after work with all the bar staff and her I will call J instead of slut as that is disrespectful and I'm just still pretty mad.

He hated living in this town, hated his job and I guess started to hate me. We were getting into the withdraw stage hardly able to tolerate being in the same room. Terrible angry out bursts from him especially if he has run out of pot.

I have ignored some of his emotional needs and a lot of the time was just too busy/tired/PMSy for sex. Well long story short I decided I was losing my family. I cut back on my computer stuff and started to work on our marriage. I wanted more sex but he didn't seem interested. I am horny for him, he is good in bed and very good looking. I think he is bored of me though.

He is also not meeting my recreational needs at all and then I found out he didn't want to hang out with me and was cheating on me just recently with J. I got so mad and kicked him out. He went to her place and then went off to a big party for 4 days in Victoria.

I was introduced to this site and started to email him all these brainstorming ideas I have to save our marriage. I love him and this is just killing me and the kids. I said I'm going to move to get away from J and the bar/party scene and you can't see her anymore. I did it with respect and he said he needed to go and talk to her.

He had not given me much as this seemed like a huge turn around from a few days ago for him. I had cancelled the credit cards, bank cards, changed the locks, totally freaked out by calling J and saying mean things on the phone, telling everyone I could about what a nasty homewrecker she was but I've gotten those initail freak out reactions under control.

So he finally communicated and said he didn't want to lose his kids so I had to say okay that is enough I guess for me right now and so off he went to the bar and her. I said are you going to come home tonight and he said maybe! It just kills me I feel like a dormat but I really want our family to stay together. I think my children will just get so warped and I will go crazy and have to be committed. I'm not sure how to deal with him not being able to decide. I think I will just continue to pack with the idea of moving but I am worried about financials and he is not working now and it is Christmas and my extended family doesn't want me to move but I can't stand living in this town and knowing he can easily sneak off and see her.

He says he loves her, oh twist the knife even more but then he says he loves me too but not sure if he could fall in love with me again. He is so confused so I'm thinking he is still in grey fog/addiction

how can I help him get away from her? I am going to go to the Dr. with him and go on anti-dperessants and I've printed off the Emotional needs Questionaire. What else can I do to stay sane and not freak out? I feel so alone but then when people call that care about me it is all too much sometimes.

I'm really hurting but trying to be strong for my kids as my boy knows what he did and he is sort of following my lead. He is crying though as he doesn't want to leave his school or his friends. He is very shy and had a terrible time when we just moved to a different neighbourhood/school 3 years ago. I'm hoping since he is older he will not be so angry. He is turning into his dad though a bit with angry outbursts. I just hate all of this. It is so painful. I can barely eat or sleep. Any support would be welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be.

If he is not working, I hope you aren't giving him money for his affair and his pot.

The starting place is Plan A. That includes being the best wife you can be, and eliminating angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. It also includes exposing the affair, but not in a hateful manner. It is better to let folks who could help know that there is an affair, and you would like to save your marriage.

It is difficult to do Plan A at first, but gets easier with practice. And you only need to do it for 3 months, and then there is another plan.

I don't think I would move. It is better to stay where you are and fight for your marriage.

I agree with believer. You probably should take it slow on making any sudden changes in your life right now. Your emotions are in an upheavil and you may not make wise choices. When you are calmer you may still decide to move, but you will be able to plan better. I have packed up a few times myself. Part of that was tied up in just having a need to DO something.

Thank you for your advice but I have had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I thought our conversation had gone well and he would give up J to work on our family but he went out to see her one last time and didn't come back all night. I waited up most of the night and tried to take care of the kids but I was all alone. I have felt all alone for years. when he came back he told me he couldn't give her up and I just lost it. I cannot take care of myself much less my children. He seems fine as he is in love with J and has had months to talk to her and get closer while I on the other hand am completely sideswipped. I just could not go on with Plan A. I have left my home and children to them and have gone on the road to seek my life. I called the children and my boy was upset because my husband had asked if he minded if J and her son came over and my son had said NO but they came anyway.

I am very kind and don't want to be mean or cruel so I just told my boy that your father needs his friends around him and this is the person he loves now so he needs their support. This will be hard but it is your new family for now until I can find a place and then you can come and visit me and have sleep overs. I told him he could sleep in my bed if he missed me but I was only a phone call away and I loved him much. I have gone straight into Plan B with a twist I guess. He is a good father and he can take care of all the things I can't. I just had to go I could not stay any longer. It was too painful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

Leaving is a big mistake. Your husband can take you to court for abandonment, and probably get spousal and child support. Plus it is very unfair for your children.

Amy, I know the pain of having your mind blow up when these things get revealed. I used to feel like I was literally coming out of my body the pain was unbearable. I felt that feeling a lot, on & off, as new things were revealed for months as my WH chose OW over and over again.

But you MUST, for the sake of your children, pull yourself together! Do you believe in God?

I am trying to pull myself together. I do believe in God. I pray daily for strength to see me through to do the right thing for my family. I try to do Plan A as much as I can on the phone. We have had a couple of good calls. One bad. I just sent him an email.

He has just had months to get his head around this affair and I just feel so side swiped I needed some time away. Not sure how long but the kids are doing well. He takes very good care of them. I call them every morning and every night.

I already pay for practicly everything so I am not worried about having to pay for support. That was one of our big problems was I was always online working. I am smart enough to figure out something was going horribly wrong so I cut back on my online time and tried to spend more quality time with him but he didn't want to spend time with me.

He is deep into the OW now and I worry he does not want to try with me anymore. I need to change, I need the time to change, to become that person he fell in love with again. I need to take this time to learn how to do this. I will give it my best shot but eventually I feel he will have to decide between us and if he choses her and that party lifestyle then I will have to make some very difficult decisions.

Until some time has passed we both don't want to involve lawyers and courts. It is just too much, all too much for me right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

You left your children???? Because he was having an affair??

Yes I am so devastated I can't look after them.

Okay, you must get some help. Can you see a doctor and get some meds? It is completely miserable when you first find out, but I promise you it does get better.

Please take care of yourself.

So my girlfriend takes me to this rock conert play her friends was in. She didn't know what it was about. It was all about AFFAIRS!!! These two gay guys where screwing around and getting aids and lying to each other etc. etc. I totally flipped out and had to go and call my husband. As the woman he slept with is a TOTAL slut. Every 6 months she has a new partner. Word is around town she is super wild a great lay so here I am now having my husband playing russian roullete with my life!! Her x is a total coke fiend. How do I know they all aren't? How do I know what they are all really doing and doing with who and what if I get aids! I phoned him and he said he always used a condom but I made him promise to go to the Dr. and get tested. I'm very upset as this was a whole angel I had not considered. I'm just totally devastated all over again. It has only been 1 week since I have found out. It feels like it has been weeks and weeks. My mind has no rest. My friends are taking good care of me though. I am going to Yoga tomorrow. Hope I don't have to leave there in tears! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

And you have left your CHILDREN in the care of this woman? In my opinion, you need to go back and face things. Get some help for yourself and help your children deal with this as well. People have told you that you need counseling, but you don't seem to be doing that. Yes, it is hard -- but it is hard on your kids as well. If this woman is as bad as you say, and if your husband is so taken with her that he is not thinking straight, YOU need to be strong and be with your kids.

Agree. If you are the one paying the bills, why let him remain in your home and bring in OW. All of us BS understand that this is very painful, but leaving your kids to suffer because you can't handle things right now? If you can't stand to be around WH, that is understandable, but he should be the one to go, not you.

You need to go home NOW. And STOP supporting him!

He is a very good Father and is taking excellent care of the kids. I know my mom and sisters are checking and the way we have the family set up everyone is watching him. I told him last week under no circumstances is she to be in the house or around the children. I said what he was doing is very wrong and seeing her there would be very confusing and hard on the children and not to mention me having her in the house. He aggreed and I have talked to him every night and the kids and she is not there. He told me he would call our consellor so some home action could be accuring soon for me.

I said we are setting up how the children could possibly be dealing with their intimate relationships in the future. We have to be very careful not to send them the wrong message, that cheating is okay. Which of course it isn't!! He has been taken over by an alien like it says in the first stickied post and I should not be trying to make sense of this but of course I am. I am getting some good counseling tonight from my friend whose wife cheated on him and they reconciled using this website and are much stronger for it.

I had drank some alcohol last night and freaked out pretty huge. I am chosing to believe what he told me. That he used condoms etc. I hope I can feel the energy to go home soon. I just still can't right now. I would not be good to be around the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

These two statements don't jive at all. I think that you are giving him more credit than he deserves. How is it that opening having an OW around your son is being a good father.

Also if OW and her friends do drugs and your WH also smokes pot around him....guess my standards are higher than, or at least different than yours....

The OW is not around my children any longer. I have come home now and so far have not seen or heard from him. He was at her house all night. He knows I am back though as the couple he had sleeping over here to babysit went and told him after I arrived. Just waiting to hear from him and enjoying the children and cleaning the house. It is a lovely sunny day and am about to go for a walk with the kids.
He called the MC so we have an appointment next week. It will be a long road I am sure but I think with the help of my friends and this site we can get through it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy

He came home late last night and it was good. We talked and then we had a lovely day all day together with a couple of his friends and the kids. I am just taking each moment as it comes and trying to be there for the kids. Still no answers about anything important. Just a few tentative Christmas plans to spend it only us with some good friends of his. I don't want to let him out of my sight though and I know that will become tiresome very quickly so I hope I can keep myself together when he wants to go out alone as I have had no promises from him about anything. He says he wasn't overnight at her house last night so that is a relief to me. I just wish he would stop seeing her or at least promise me to stop having sex with her. I need that much respect for myself and my children at least until we figure out where we are going. I pray all this works out. It will be a long painful trip I know but at least we could travel it together and be good models for the children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy