Pep, SomeoneOutThere, Confused, Mrs. Stowaway, Kimberly, and Jennifer,

Thank you all for your replies and consideration. I lost my internet connection until this afternoon, we've been having some bad weather here. DS seems to be well again. As soon as I started monitoring his fluids, his stomach calmed and he started getting better.

WH called a few times Sat, a few times Sun, and a few times today. I did not answer his calls. DS answered the phone this eve when he called. DS talked to him and then handed me the phone. He wanted to know why I didn't take his calls. I told him I didn't think he wanted to talk. He said, yes I did, why do you think I've been calling you?

This is what he said on phone: I've always loved you, all along. I said well there are different kinds of love. He said I love you and miss you and miss all the things we used to do. I said "Like what?" He said he misses us camping and hiking and going for drives. He said he misses me and that he must have "bumped his head" to do what he did. He said we will talk more. When we hung up he said "I love you" to which I replied "yup".

WH was sick, had a little sore throat. He is a big baby when he is sick so it's hard to tell. I think it was a little of both, avoidance and not feeling too well. So we will see. He is saying some of the right things but I have to see what his actions are. I have not told him my requirements yet because I have not had the opportunity for that conversation.

For starters, I would like:
NC
transparency
15 hours wk together time
some sort of counseling, preferably Harleys

Those are the biggies I can think of now.

Glad DS is feeling better.

I think your boundaries are reasonable, stick to them! You have the upper hand. You do not have to settle for WH. H will want to earn his way home...WH will be happy to sneak through the back door.

Thank you confused. I had to read your reply a few times to "get it". On the 3rd try I noticed H vs WH! Guess I'm not exactly sharp as a tack this time of day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Shattered,
If I may, I think it is not the time to drop plan A until you get success or switch to plan B. He is still partly in the fog and your approach over the last few months are paying of. This must be hard on you so be careful not to LB. He is still a WH.

I don’t know how it would be best to approach the conditions of his return to your M but be careful that your resentment from all the hurt this A has put you thru and his last minute hesitations do not derail your efforts. You are doing very well. He doesn’t get the things you are doing. You caused his return. He is coming out of the fog but still in it.

Maybe his love bank still needs more units.

Can someone with experience comment on when the BS can start expressing her needs and her boundaries for a self respecting return?

I wish I was where you are.

DLK21

DLK21,
Thank you for your post. Amazingly, I don't think I have LBed in a long time. I realize prior to finding this site I had a lot of angry outbursts. Sometimes I actually thought it was a normal and healthy way to express my anger. Most of the time I felt my AO were in response to his AO. He no longer seems to have them either. I guess when one starts, it is a chain reaction.

I hope he feels he can be honest with me about his A. I already know more about whens and wheres than he thinks I do. Eventually I do want to know about the "why". I want/need to know what he told her about me and the problems in our marriage. I am still sort of shocked that he felt there were issues big enough to start sharing with another woman. Ah well, I'm jumping the gun a bit here.

Thanks for your input and I hope you get the opportunity to have a second chance at your life as well.

Shattered,
What would he think about you going out on a date? Have you read Carol's story? I'll try to find it and bump it up.

I found it and bumped it. Subject: Hey CarolKH can you elaborate on your story? posted by: Trying Again

Shattered -

Hey there! I think rescheduling your original talk is key here. The opportunity to sit down face to face & "feel" him out ---- then if you feel he is sincere about reconciling you could share with him your plan for recovering your marriage.

By NC, you are wanting a No Contact letter - right?

To the Plan A Queen!!

Kim

Confused,
Thank you for bumping that post. I just love her story! If I don't see some action soon, I am going to start wearing an evening gown when he comes to pick up our son. Let him start wondering what I'm up to.

Hi Kim,
You're a sweetheart for checking in on me. I've been in a little bit of a funk these past couple days.

I spoke to the mutual friend tonight and she claims that WH is really sick with cold or flu. He did not come tonight as scheduled either because DS stayed home from school so he couldn't participate in his sports practice. She doesn't think he is avoiding me. She thinks he just plain doesn't feel good. She also claims that he has spoken with her H about moving back here and they have formulated a plan to move his things out as soon as he gives the sign.

That made me feel better because I was starting to feel like I'm being played the fool and I'm starting to lose interest in pursuing this R. I will wait until they both feel better and we have our talk. I am very curious as to where his head is at regarding a future relationship together, how he envisions it.

This morning I was Plan B all the way. After talking to the interpreter, I want to have a talk first with WH.

Well yesterday I received the letter I've been longing for since this all started. Printed on the card:

I've gone through some changes in my life lately,
a series of endings and beginnings.
As usual, you've been there to help me pick up the pieces along the way.
There are still times when I don't quite know where I'm going or how I will get there, but you've given me the courage and strength to move ahead.
Your encouragement has helped me feel that everything will turn out akay after all.
I couldn't ask for any more understanding and support . . I couldn't ask for anyone more loyal . . . I couldn't ask for a better friend. Love always & forever, H

Inside he wrote:
I don't know where to begin. I can't imagine how you felt with what I did to you. IT had to be the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes the grass appears to be greener on the other side. I wish I had never gone to the other side. I never stopped loving you. I think I must have lost my mind for a while. I don't know if you really want me to come back. I can't blame you if you don't. Hopefully you do and we can work things out. I guess I should have listened to others a while ago. But I was too thickheaded. I miss you and DS so very much. It's just not the same without you. I've probably done a lot of damage and I'm hoping we can fix it. I am truly embarrassed of what I did. You are the love of my life and so is DS. I wish it was all a really bad dream. If I could go back in time I would never have done what I did. I love you Shattered and miss you dearly. Love always & forever, xxxx oooo H
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Today he came over to take DS to sport and H is back. He appears very happy and excited to be coming back.

We still need to have our talk but haven't had the opportunity. I'm just enjoying this feeling for now.

His letter sounds good. Usually they will try to blame the BS. It seems like the fog has left.

I would request a no contact letter and see what he says to that.

Thanks Believer!

I'm very happy for you. All 3 of you.

DLK21

wow shattered! I just read the letter your H worte to you!

I'm so happy for you!

Thanks Eav and DLK

Update: WH just left. He asked me if I could make him a list of what I want from him and what changes I want him to make. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I told him NC and no contact letter, total transparency with cell phone and credit cards, cell phone voice mail password.

I asked him about no contact and NC letter. He didn't hesitate. He said "I have to". I explained very briefly about the Harleys, their experience, and why they feel so strongly about the NC. He said he understood. The only thing he questioned was where are we going to find 15 hours a week to spend together.

I asked him what he wanted from me. He said he wants me to fix him dinner <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, and SF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. See! I told you all along - food and sex! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Our conversation was brief, DS was around and wants his dad's attention as much as I do. He seems open to HN/HN's, etc. He also seems to be humbled. It's strange, but I feel a sort of calm.

Shattered -

I am hopping up & down in my seat right now!!!!!!!!!!! No hesitation in your request for the NC letter! and the letter he wrote you almost made me cry.

Let me hear some excitement girl!! Calm?? O.k. maybe it's b/c you realize there is still a road ahead of you that you need to travel with Recovery?

Perhaps in a week or so your H would be open to counseling with you with the Harley's so they can map out a plan for you!

Hugs!

Kim

I know Kim. I bawled like a baby yesterday when I read his card. He has sent me cards before and I always had high expectations that they would read like this one. They didn't and they only served to confuse me. I had no idea what his point was. I was thinking this card was more of the same, I didn't even open it right away. When I did I CRIED! I called him at work and said I got your card and then I just started crying! He said WELL????????? It amazes me that he was not sure if I wanted him back. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? I've been asking you to come home for months now.

I'm SOOOO happy for you. Just remember, you have more power now, right at this moment, to INSIST upon needed changes in your relationship than you have had in the past or may have again in the future.

Lay out the boundaries, get into counseling with the Harleys. Seriously, calling them right away, you will have your marriage back on track in short order.

Just make sure to schedule the homework that is assigned, keep things positive for you both. Jennifer was so great on focusing on the positive with us, and the present & future rather than the past. The past has it's place, but what can you do TODAY to make it better NOW. Helped us A LOT.

My best to all of you 3, it is what so many pray for, Congratulations!
MSA

Shattered, all I can say is ...

YOU DERSERVE THIS!!!!

I am so happy for you that your WH is becoming a FWH. He really seem genuine in what he is saying. Remember actions speak volumes and his committment is very encouraging.

You must be so happy and deserve to be.

Would you FWH consider coming on the MB boards?