wh left yesterday, flew out this morning for Iraq. I am sure ow brought him to base. Part of me is relieved because I need the reprieve from him. And it means SHE doesn't have him for the next 4 months. (boy do I hope she does something stupid like mess around with someone else...) If you have read my threads you all know this last week was NOT good, especially the part where I had to have wh removed from my home by the police.

My original intention was to keep fighting for my marriage but I refuse to be on the receiving end of his issues with anger which have been building inside of him since childhood. He is whacking right out. I couldn't even begin to understand what is going on in his mind but ALL of his anger is directed at me from his childhood, from our past, from my exposing him, from my taking his control away.... I think there is no hope whatsoever until wh acknowledges he needs and agrees to go for help.

So..... now that he is in Iraq I will have the kids send him letters and such and emails as soon as he lets us know where to send them. But I think I should NOT send him any letters or anything from me. What is there to say? I know I would someday just love to sit down and talk with him adult to adult and really try to understand a few things but that may never happen. Maybe I should just be silent and moving on with my life completely. I know I in no way want the man he is right now. He needs help badly. I will make sure the kids stay in touch and pray that Iraq will change him for the better. But maybe I should just keep silent while he is gone and see what person he is when he comes home.... I don't know what to do, I am so confused....

can someone, anyone, one and all please give me some input here????? mlhb

I am not sure if you should stay silent -it is a dangerous place over there. How would you feel if something happened to him? I think wiser people then me should help you. My son was over there.

I would write to him several times a week. Hopefully the OW won't be able to wait for 4 whole months.

Thank you realtor. I did say many things to him via email and in a memory book the kids and I made him for christmas. Many heartfelt things. I feel a clear conscience on my part should anything happen to him. I just do not know what I would say should I keep in touch? I can't be sending him I love you stuff, etc.. especially since I don't even know how I FEEL right now about him. And it would anger him anyway. I am sure ow will be sending him all kinds of mushy crap and the "i miss you's" and " I love you's" blah blah blah... maybe I should just write sending pix of kids and about kids and just tell him we are praying for his safe return every night. Keeping it simple. I know not to make it complex he will have enough on his mind. I am praying God open his eyes while he is over there. I guess I should pray that God direct my hand in what I write....

WH is not going to be on the front line. He is a firefighter for Air National Guard. He is going to a base. As far as I know a base that is not in any of the "hot spots" right now. But I imagine anywhere over there is dangerous.

I just don't know what to say to him should I keep in touch. I know my plans are, upon his return, pending a miracle that he changes and wants to come home, to petition the courts for sole physical custody until he gets his head on straight. He is in no condition to be around these children or be able to make decisions for them. IF not for me taking the reigns these last few months wh would have had kids over to her apt and spending time with her all just despite me. Never mind the effect it would have had on them.... so... mlhb

Write to him. It is terribly boring over there. That is the biggest problem besides the constant danger. No matter what his job is, it is dangerous.

You don't have to get all mushy, just send consistent newsy letters.

As I told you before, I wrote to guys in a battalion, just let them know what has happening here - sports, movies, my daily stuff. I didn't even know any of them, and when they got back, they were all so grateful.

He will remember how you treated him while he was over there forever.

Thanks Believer, I didn't look at it that way before, that he will remember forever how I treated him while gone. I feel badly because when he came to say goodbye to the kids yesterday I just stayed in the other room out of the way, let him have a few moments with them. So I didn't even say goodbye. Although the memory book says it all in the one page I did for him in there that was just from me.... I just didn't know what to say. Especially after the police incident earlier in the week... I could just write about kids and what is going on here, etc... We adopted a soldier when the war first started, I could write like the way we wrote to him. I was thinking of having the kids classes write to him as well. Yeah, that stuff sounds good Believer, thank you. I could do that. We just have to wait to hear from him but we could start letters and pictures now. mlhb

That's a good idea. Start now. Don't be too hard on yourself about the goodbye. I think you acted like anyone else would.

This is a perfect opportunity to remind him of home and all the things he will be giving up. Don't say that. Just write all the things that you think he would be interested in, and be consistent.

You can start by telling him you regret the goodbye, and how much you admire that he is making this sacrifice.

I am with Realtor and Believer. You should write to him. Put your relationship with him as a husband/lover aside and write to him as a person, as the father of your children, and as a man fighting for your country. Forget about OW, she is a non issue right now. For starters, just send him newsy letters. Write about the kids, what's going on in your neighborhood, big headlines here, etc. Send him newspapers to read, magazines, snacks. He really needs your support right now, no matter what he says. No one fighting for their country is really safe, no matter where they are.

I think part of the MB philosophy is treating the other person with respect, whether you think they deserve it or not. If you can't respect him as a husband right now, respect him as a man.

Thank you shattered and believer... we will start writing tonight. We do not have an address as of yet. He will email us one when he gets there. We will write and send him what we can.

Do you really think ow is a "non issue" right now?? I am afraid they are going to miss eachother terribly.... I have dealt with him being gone for extended periods of time before, she has not...

but like you said, treat him as a man serving our country, that I can do. mlhb

She is a non-issue because #1 They are not physically together, and #2 You have no control over that situation. Try to get her out of your head. In a way this is an opportunity for each of you to step back and do some soul searching.

Another thing you can do is to make a scrapbook of his time in Iraq. My WH has one that was his dad's from WWII. His mom made it. It includes going away cards sent by friends, letters, headlines, pictures, etc.

Most men like to talk about their job. You can write and ask him questions about the daily routine, where he goes, what he sees, if he has any contact with the Iraqi people, what they say, etc.

Oh just to let you know alot of guys over there got goodbye letters from wives an GF's. So I would write about your children and leave the letters emotionless.

Realtor, What do you mean by goodbye letters? Do you mean goodbye I'll miss you? Or, goodbye, we're over?

thank you all for responding. realtor: I would leave them emotionless. We have nothing to share on that level right now anyway. I wish he was gone longer than for 4 months. I know that sounds awful, but I think longer and ow would be itching to be sniffing elsewhere if you know what I mean. 4 months is going to fly right by.
Believer and Shattered: Good ideas... I have the feeling wh will probably NOT write back to me however. When he was gone for 4 months last year for training I wrote to him and he NEVER sent me even one letter back. He wrote to kids but NOT to me and we were still together at that time. We did speak on the phone sometimes but that was it. But I will write and ask anyway. Maybe he will respond to an email. I guess the point is to ask him and have ME make the effort. I will do what I can everyone. I want to be the better person here and do the right thing even though I feel I DO NOT even know this man anymore. 10 years together and the last 3, I have no idea who I was living with. And he slept on the couch for 2 of those years, so I haven't a clue. mlhb

Ok, I have something else to deal with as well. The school where I will be subbing from time to time is where ow's mother is a teacher. I know they were devastated when ow had the A with my h while she was still married. And I don't think they are too happy with him now but are accepting him into the fold because they love their daughter. You know the old "we don't agree with what you have done but love you as our daughter" stuff... and wh is very very good at a** kissing and I am sure he has been very polite and well mannered to her family.

Well, as you know wh went and talked to the kids class friday about iraq and today they came home with photos from ow's mother! she took them of kids and dad on friday. This is hard for me to deal with right now. I do not know if kids realize this teacher is ow's mother or not, I did not ask them. But I was not real happy. I am sure her intentions were good but I am sure she also gave a copy of pic to ow. Just seems like they are all getting a little too cozy for me.

what do I do when I start subbing there? I am sure I will run into ow's mother eventually, she may even introduce herself. What do I do? I would love to let her know all the pain her daughter has caused me and my kids but I am sure she knows. Should I let her know I had to have wh removed from my home last week due to his violence towards me? she may already know that too, don't know.

I want to be tactful. But this is going to hurt I just know it. How do I handle this situation? I know I cannot blame ow's parents for what ow has done and I know they are trying to make best I am sure. ow's husband has moved on and they probably don't know much about me. They probably figure wh and I are separated so what does it matter now?

what do I do???? mlhb

bumping

Write to him. This is one way to stop an addiction. I'd bet that he will be doing some serious thinking over there. Do a long distance plan a, but work on you and your life in the meantime. He sure will wonder what you are up to.

when I am nice to him 2 things happen (and I do not know if this is part of his recently aquired in the past 3 years narcisistic mentality): He takes it as a sign of weakness in me. When I am nice and accomidating he uses it and when he has the chance he pounces on me because of it. (takes advantage of the niceness). One never knows what is going on in his evil twisted mind.

The other thing he does is he says "oh you are being nice because you want me back and I am never coming back, I am never leaving ow."

and he doesn't see my niceness as consistant I suppose. Only because I do NOT let him walk all over me when he sees the chance to take advantage. I am telling you the man is whacked out.

That is why I am uncomfortable to soon be working at times with ow's mom. They know h's reputation and I am sure have their opinions but they have never heard my side of the story fully. Only what they know from ow's stbxh whom they adore. But my wh can be so very polite and repectful when he is kissing a** which I am sure he is doing with them big time. Her brother even said if they had met under any other circumstances they would really like him. Well, they have only seen one side of him. I know the dr. jekyl and mr. hyde that he is. My parents loved him too until they got to know him years into our relationship... mlhb

mlhb-
I wouldn't begin to give you detailed advice, not knowing much about your marriage, but I do want to know that I can empathise with your situation! In January of 05 my husband 14 years left for a 7 mos deployment to Iraq. On Feb. 15 (following a very sweet Valentines Day card from me) he confessed to his 2nd affair of our marriage. The first was non-sexual...this one was! "Shattered" could not begin to describe how I felt. Here I thought I had just said good bye to My husband, My Lover,...and my Dear Friend....he had only been gone for 3 weeks at this time. Needless to say, I was in for a rough deployment, like it being "War-time" wasn't hard enough. He,however, was on the front lines... in doing Convoy security out of Baghdad and the surrounding radius of 100 miles. I had no idea how to respond in any way. What to say to him, what to express to him, what to withhold. What was justified for him to hear...what was just "meanness and anger" spewing from within me. What needed to be heard...what didn't need to heard. I had just found out what had happened...and he was still in contact with the OW. It remanined this way for atleast another Month....the month of ******, I refer to it. I was encouraged by a pastor friend to read the book by James Dobson: Love must be Tough. It helped some...but really what I depended on was God's direct guidance. I went to Him over each and every e-mail that I sent, each and every letter that I sent....each and every phone call although most where short. There were many times when i refered to our children only...and other times when I just tried to be myself....and let our relationship stand for itself. I believed in our marriage...and in my husband, although completly confused and feeling "sucker punched". The best advice that I can give to you...is to get on your knees....and beg God to speak to you in clear voice. That way you don't need to be reliant on 'well-meaning' friends and family, Christian or NOT! This way....you can stand firm on your decision whatever they may be, because you know that you heard from God directly on them. I hope that I never have to endure such heartache and confusion ever again in my life. I can still hear the words God spoke to me during this aweful 7 month time period....and I will never have to second guess the stand that I took,big or small, because they were directed by My God. My husband did return to me and our children in Aug/05 and we are now working and praying for Gods miraculous healing of our hearts and our marriage. He refers to his "deployment" as his own personal Breakthrough in the desert...just him and God. Even though I felt so out of control..and felt like I had so few options...God used that time to reach him. Please do not underestimate what God can do. I pray right now that God will use this time in the desert to reach your husband....and that first his relationship with God will become a priority. Nothing else can be dealt with if he isn't in relationship with his God. Consequences still happen though: Due to second rate testings(in the military)....I was diagnosed with HSV in November of 05....from his last affair. He was supposedly tested in Iraq in April before returning home in August and we thought he was cleared for "everything" however the blood test was only tested for HIV...and he has ended up being a carrier with NO symptoms himself...but I of course seem to have it all! Still struggling with just about everything...but doing my very best to reach Forward for God's hands....praying for His healing rain...and total Reconciliation in our marriage. Reaching Forward, .....Please let me know if I can help you through this in any way.
"Satan is Powerless over prayer", and I prayed this often! Search God's word Let HIM Sustain You! 04Ironman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/code]

thank you ironman! very powerful post. my wh lives with ow as he left in july. we have a legal sep. wh has many many issues in his head. we are both christians and i know i believe wh will turn to god while over there. I will keep praying. I am so afraid his time over there will just make him miss HER more and make him want to make his relationship with HER stronger. But I believe in prayer and I believe in God. Wh says he hasn't loved me for a long time. there have been many issues. Would be a very long road. I just pray if nothing else god touch his heart and open his eyes and make h want to start living right again ya know? he actually told me that he and ow are not bad people, but good nice ones! is that Fog talk or what? thanks again! mlhb