Hi all,

It's been a long time since I've actually posted on this board. I suppose it's because I realized I was not ready to 'date' yet, and so I felt like I didn't really belong. I finally just accepted that I wasn't ready yet, and have just been 'coasting' along with my life. But with a recent turn of events, i think I might actually be ready for the first step of 'dating.'

Miraculously, this past Christmas, I had my first 2 'crushes.' One on a new car dealer that I was working with (was busy buying my 'unmarried' present to myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), and one on an anesthesiologist who works in my hospital.

Over Christmas, the car dealer and I got to know each other over the phone quite a bit....talking for about 2 minutes about looking for a car, and then for 1 hour about our 'lives', likes, and feelings. By the end of December, though, I realized that my 'crush' was a little bit more than his, and he did not feel the same way about me. Oddly enough, I felt OK with that. I was just happy to know that I COULD have a crush again!

So....the 'crush' on the anesthesiologist has been there for a while, but was purely a 'superficial' crush by my thinking he was attractive, and us flirting a bit. Well, we had a business dinner meeting with he, myself, and another doc last week. By the end of the night, he had made it clear that he was interested in me, and we ended up going out after the other doctor left. We both had a very good time, I think.

Here's my problem, though. I don't trust him yet - which I think is normal....after all, it's only been one date, we are not committed, and we are just getting to know each other. I am good with all that....cognitively.

However, I FEEL insecure with the fact that I actually am more attracted to him now. And I REALLY want to go out with him again. He has said and indicated that he does as well...and we were supposed to have another 'date' yesterday. But he messaged me asking if he could have a raincheck because unexpected things had come up. I was fine with not going out, as I am comfortable with my life and my friends that I do not need to date, or be attached.

But what I don't trust is my judgment. I constantly wonder if I'm being 'played.' Turn offs for me about this guy are that he's a doctor (chief of anesthesiology, actually), and that he has WAY more money than I am really comfortable with. Nothing wrong with him having money...but I also know that a lot of times, money can 'go to people's heads'.

Anyway, I know that some women (at least where I live in the 'south') attach themselves to doctors for their status and money.... But i don't. In fact, I am scared of it. As a result, I am always questioning if I am just a 'conquest' for him because I'm not allowing myself to 'fawn' over him. Silly, huh?

Anyway, I'm not sure I know how to identify if I am being 'played'....And (possibly more importantly), how do I stop obsessing about it? I'm so terrified that I am being played, and that I will get more 'interested' than he....I fear being embarassed and hurt if I fall for a player.

Or am I just being 'stupid' for worrying about it at all...and I should just take it as it goes...even if it ends up hurting me?

Lord, I almost liked it better when I wasn't ready to date! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.I.T.,

I have absolutely no advice except that I'm in a similar kind of situation. Not a doc, but someone who makes an okay amount of money and it scares me.

Now I know I have issues about money, comes directly from my Family Of Origin. So, I'm trying to work around this. Or get over it. LOL.

But, as I like him more, I get more insecure. Crazy, isn't it? Luckily, this man and I are at the point where we can actually talk about some of this. I still get squirrly but I feel better after we talk.

What is the hospital scuttlebut about him? If he's a player, others will know. Good luck.

Hey, GG,

I'm really glad you have gotten to a place where you can talk to him about it. I think that's paramount to working through it. And I'm glad you mentioned FOO. Maybe that is part of my issue as well. I grew up in a very 'wealthy' part of town....and I hated it. We were not wealthy, and everyone always assumed that we could not be happy because I did not have the 'material' things that others did. It definitely has had an effect on me. Perhaps I need to explore that aspect a little more.

Hospital scuttlebutt is somewhat old on him - when I started 3 years ago, I was told to 'stay' away from him (which I thought odd because I was married at the time....????). I told him this the other day, and he laughed - he said "that's funny, because I had a girlfriend at the time!"

I know that he has had 2 girlfriends in the past 3 years...and that when he has a girlfriend, he is faithful. His last girlfriend and he broke up last fall, from what I understand. I don't know about his 'current' dating habits, as I'm too fearful to ask around...the last thing I want is for any gossip to be started and make the 'rounds' if you know what I mean!

He's been around since my exH and I were trying to 'recover' (although I don't know if he is aware that I had an A), and I know he's familiar with my divorce, and my inability to date since my separation/divorce. In some ways, that vulnerability lends to my insecurity....does he think that I'm just ready to play around?

It's so wierd...like if I start thinking about all this, then it just spirals into "what if's".....

something is amiss, and i don't think it has anything to do with him. I think it has to do with me.

Thanks for writing back, GG.

LIT,

I think you should just practice some watchful waiting with him. See what he does when you don't fall into his bed after a couple more dates. If he's cool with it, you'll know he doesn't think you're right for the picking.

GG,

I think you're right....on one hand. But I also have an acquaintance (don't think I could really call him a 'friend') who dated a girl (virgin) simply because he wanted to know that he was 'special' enough to be the 'first.' She fell for him hand and foot. He ended up not seeing her anymore because she kept bringing drama into his life. But the scary part to me is that they dated 3-4 months.

I can easily not sleep with the doc....but what frightens me is to get into the mindset of 'OK, I'm safe now....' And the other thing that frightens me is that I sit here and think "I would really enjoy talking to him right now." or "I am really interested in him." I guess I am already infatuated, and I feel like it's too much.

I guess I'm just worried that such an infatuation, and obsession over being 'played', is not healthy. Yet I don't know how to make the feelings subside to a manageable level. And so then I worry, and go in a vicious cycle.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I will (and can) just stick it out, and not play into any possible 'game.' But I'm more worried about what these feelings mean, and how I should address them.

Thanks for your advice.....it helps to talk about all this....

I think you are doing very well to be asking these questions. You are aware that you are vulnerable and in a 'crush' situation. You are also aware that you might be being played with.

When he canceld on you, did he give a more specific reason for canceling, than 'unexpected things came up". I DON'T LIKE THAT EXCUSE AT ALL. BIG WARNING SIGN!!

You are right to be concerned about dating a doctor. It is a prestige position in our society, and they know it. Women fuss over doctors all to easily. I know a number of nurses and the horror stories they tell me about doctors are legion. Arrogant, playing women for sex, omitting the fact that they are married, etc.

Take time, trust your insticts. They seem to be working just fine.

I think these feelings mean "keep walking", he isn't the one you want or need right now.

They must be your gut feelings/intuition and I would trust them.

If you are worried about being played, then just keep on walking.

Lots of guys out there LIT.

This is a tough one for me, too. My "gut feelings" may be based on my old wounds, not on current relationship dynamics. Or, a combination of both. I don't want to project my stuff on to someone else, but I don't want to ignore or overlook what may be there. I tend to give the "benefit of a doubt" too easily. But, I don't want to be rigid about things. It is a vicious circle!

I have done some dating since divorcing, not alot, but some. I try to come from the perspective of "Is this something I would want to be doing/saying to this person if things were as I perceived our relationship?" In other words, if my date wanted to kiss me and I felt that close to him, than I would kiss him. Now, it might have been fake or manipulative for him, but it is something I would have wanted to do based on my thoughts/feelings. And yes...I've gotten "played". And yes, it hurt. But, I refuse to let that stop me from being me, how I am in realtionship to others.

I don't think trust will ever come as easily once you've gone through an affair. It really scares me to think how badly I misjudged the whole situation with my exWS. I don't always feel I can trust myself...my own judgment. Just as with Recovering marriages, there will never be quite the innocence and trust that was once a "given" in the relationship. So, I pay yet another price for someone else's choices. But, I pay price if I refuse to become involved in another relationship if that's what my heart desires. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Auto - On one hand, I completely agree with you. It is vague, and suspect. Perhaps he had another 'date' that night???? On the other hand, I honestly cannot say I would turn down a date from another guy I liked (other than this doctor), if they were to ask me. After all, we have only been on half a date (if you could even call it that), and we have only just begun to know each other outside of the hospital.

I think what you said about trusting myself is paramount here. That and dealing with my issues surrounding the 'doctor' stereotype and the 'money.' I, too, know too many doctors that 'play' around, or omit the fact that they are married. I even know one who tells his wife everytime he is with another woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> But I also have to remember that just because I know those doctors, that doesn't mean they are all like that. Take Lemmonman and Cymanica, for instance....

So I need to trust that I will be able to recognize when I am not being respected, and keep myself at enough of a distance to not 'blindly' trust. And while I can almost guarantee that I will not marry this guy (wow - writing that word even scares me right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />), it might actually be good for me to test the waters, and work on trusting myself.


Weaver - In one way, I really believe this (what you said). I have learned that my gut is usually right on. But in talking to my counselor, there is another aspect that is in play here. For the past year and a half (since the separation), I have put a HUGE emotional wall up....letting VERY few people in. Of course, none of them males <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He cautioned me that the one thing he was worried about with me was that I would find a way to emotionally 'stop' a relationship before it began...because I was scared of getting hurt.

In that respect, he is right on.

HM - I think this is what my counselor was 'getting' at. That I shouldn't stop my feelings because I am afraid of getting hurt. It's actually a little ironic, since when I first started counseling (2 1/2 years ago), he was worried about me protecting myself emotionally. It looks like I swung from one end of the pendulum to the other.


Yup, this is it for me, too. I don't trust myself because I didn't respond in a healthy manner to my H's first A when we were engaged. I don't trust myself because I had an A. I don't trust myself because I wasn't healthy in my M. I just plain am SCARED to trust myself.

But I need to. I finally have gotten to a point where I LIKE myself (almost to the LOVING myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />), and now it's time I work on the trust factor. When I think about it rationally, I know what I want. I know I know that I want respect, honesty, equality, and committment in a relationship. And I believe that is healthy. So it's time that I trust myself that I will be able to identify if one of them is not there, and react accordingly.

I actually think this is going to be an important step for me. And you're right (as well as my counselor) - I shouldn't deny my feelings because I'm worried about being hurt. I need to trust that if I DO get hurt, that I will be able to recover, just like I recovered from my M.

But in some ways, that's like trusting that I will heal after breaking my leg. Who really wants to break a leg in the first place??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />