My WH called me this afternoon and asked if he could come home. It's two years since Dday next month but I have no idea how long he'd known OW before I found out. So we're talking a long term A.

I want to hear from people whose spouse wanted to come home after a long separation. Were you pleased or did you have the gut churning anxiety that I have today? I am, since the A, a much more anxious person so it doesn't take much to get me feeling panicky. It took me by surprise. The last time we discussed things we were getting a divorce.

I told him, amongst other things, that I know it took a lot of courage for him to ask. He is a typical bloke - finds it hard to accept fault, say sorry, admit he was wrong.

I know there are many, many more issues here but for now I just want to know how people felt, regardless of whether you recovered or not.

Thanks. TT

TT, I wondered why I was drawn to look here today against my instinct .......

Its is all about protection.

Boundaries.

Harley says ( and it's true) it doesn't matter why a WS comes home or the affair ends. In my case OM dumped Squid remember. Yes I'd've liked a : "I've come to my senses, I love you", but that I didn't wasn't really important. That they're home is important IF you want to rebuild your marriage.

I believe truly that the most important consideration is that the expectations of your kids are managed properly. To ensure this I think you have to ask yourself some questions.

So TT, first question is: "do you want to rebuild your marriage ?"
The answer to this will dictate your next move IMO. You have EVERY RIGHT not to want to rebuild your M. You have EVERY REASON to suspect WHs motives and intentions. You need have have no SHRED of guilt if you answer "no" to taking him back or to rebuilding your marriage.

You were considering taking him in to nurse him,anyway, right ? Well you still can. I suspect this is WHs prime motivation in any case. If you intend THIS only, set your DDs and WHs expectations thus. This will mean you will not needlessly tire yourself out "plan A'ing" or whatever when you have no gut intention to rebuild your marriage. I was afire with intent to rebuild, and you remember it almost killed me.

If you DO want to rebuild your marrige, again your DDs need to be realistically prepared. "Daddy's coming home to see how we get along for a while. It will be nice to have him home, but he's been away a long time and we may not fit togteher as a family in the same house anymore. But we will try and see, will you help us in a grown up way ?".

My instinct SCREAMS to not take him back to easily - your DDs have been magnificent in coping with your WHs craziness and I would not have them disappointed again BUT this is not about MY thoughts, its YOUR life.

Of course if you DO take him back to rebuild your M there are several things he must agree to.

1. Full STD test. No debate whatsover. He won't like it? Feels humiliating ? Tough sh1t.
2. Total transparency without complaint including obviously verifiable NC with ho-bag
3. Legally binding agreement concerning access to the kids and ownership of assets in the event of him ever contacting OM again.

This will show either his seriousness or desperation to get back in your life.

Sorry this seems unromantic TT, but I would have you and the girls protected from this deluded, needful man. Having your hopes smashed AGAIN would be devastating because you might blame yourself for trusting again. Make sure you're covered.

Summary - you have two decisions to make - take him in or not

and rebuild your M or not.

"no" is a perfectly justificable answer to both questions. Think long and decide but do not vacillate. You owe this man NOTHING, but you owe your DDs stability and the best chance of happiness. Is this WITH WH or without him ? Having their wayward dad come home to die won't be exactly fun for them if it is avoidable, nor having him home to lick his wounds but keep in touch with ho-bag.

Its all come to this day TT. Praying may not hurt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

i agree with bob sweetie. the only thing i would add is he should do all that stuff and start counseling BEFORE he even steps foot in the door. date a bit, before he steps foot in the door full time. do what you need to do for you and your kids.....you guys come first.

Let him know you have some questions and need time to get them together. It is vital he not see you anxious for his return.

WS like the BS to beg for their return. It s/b for your H not the WS that you make the way back.

Here are a few points to consider:

1. Id your personal boundaries.

2. Ask him:
a. Why is he asking to return to the 'family'. Present yourselves as a single pkg....you and the children. He can't come back 'just' for the children.
b. How, under what conditions is 'planning' to return. If he asks why should he have a plan, let him know w/o one, recovery c/b 'near next' to impossible. It is not the BS who has to return but the Xws. Then insert that the WS is NOT welcomed back, just your H and father.
c. How will he meet your needs and that of the children. Again single pkg presentation. He must convince you he of the effort he is or w/b putting forth. Not visa versa.
d. Ask when he feels he he w/b eligible to return.

Let him give his answers and don't argue or contest. Even if you don't agree, don't agrue. Don't agree, just thank him for his input and that you will get back to him. He may wonder why you are not rolling out the red carpet. If he even ventures to question that, let him know that you and the children are not comfortable with him as a WS and need to make sure they can handle having him back. So it is vital he assure the family he is coming back w/o the WS skin and attitude.

Some of his input should include MC and family counseling. Full disclosure to help you heal also s/b on his agenda. He needs to make you and the children feel safe w/o the fear of an OP in the wings or under foot.

At this time, there is less on the BS and family but more on the Ws. If he has an attitude or is quick to anger, you don't have to put up with it.

AS I told my Xws, 'we learned to live w/o you. You (Xws) helped us to learn how to live like that.' So going to plan B even after the Xws moved home was easier. He knew the rules. He no longer wanted to call me controlling. Yet I was and still am controlling. In a proper way, controlling is a good thing.....so the Xws can no longer use that as an excuse.

Learn to difuse the WS bombs.

L.

Oh, TT, what exciting news! Of course you already know my answer. I would take him back after you set up some boundaries.

It IS hard for a WS to ask to return to the family. That's why many never do.

TT, my goodness I didn't see this coming! What bob and orchid said with a good dose of prayers for you sweetie. Remember..only if YOU and you girls want to.

Hi tucktummy,

Ditto on the excellent advice.

My (F)WH returned after a long separation, too (which included a lot of back-and-forth between me and OW). We took it verrrrry slowly. First, we put the divorce on hold for three months to give him time to prove NC and to give me time to breathe.

We stayed in separate residences for six months while slowly blurring boundaries between the separated households - at first, he would come watch the kids at my house while I went to work and we would go out for weekly dates. Then we started adding in a couple of suppers, followed by supper every night together (alternating houses according to our childcare agreement).

In this three months, we had the STD tests done, he went to counselling (my condition), he got new email passwords and became transparent about everything else, and he answered a fairly long list of "what happened during the A" questions.

This was all *before* we moved in together and *before* I said I would work on the marriage.

After three months, I said that I was willing to keep trying and we started MC. After six months, we moved in together and dropped the divorce proccedings.

My biggest concern would be your kids. If things didn't go well, you would of course be okay (bruised and battered, but okay). But it's way too confusing to have parents come and go with suitcases. I didn't even consider blending kitchens and sharing a closet until I knew we had a decent shot.

All the best TT - hugs to you and your family.

G

I've just come in and have drunk a bottle of wine. I needed and enjoyed it. I am so pleased to see your responses - Bob, Orchid, Nikko and Believer - undoubtedly four heros on this board.

Believer, you are so thrilled I think I should send him over to you. I wish I shared your excitement!!

Bob, thanks for taking time to post. Miss you here. We didn't get to the 'terms' for admittance to MY home. He said he and OW had been over for a while (before Xmas from what I'd heard) and he didn't want to talk about it. "It's a long story". Well, it might be but I will choose whether or not to hear it. It is my right. He has been a mystery man for too long. STD testing - absolutely. NC - ditto. I felt panicky earlier but I realise I don't have to rush any decision. The ball is in my court. I knew this day would come. Take away the health issues and it has been a text book affair. Don't worry about sounding unromantic - I'm too sensible for my own good to get caught up in romance at the moment. But I am a terrible CA which is why I spent the evening drinking and playing backgammon. God, I think it's me that needs a shrink now.

Orchid - I did ask him why and he said he thought it was the right thing to do. He misses the girls and he would like us to be a family again. He didn't mention the fact that OW was a psycho b*tch who made his life ****** but perhaps he will in time. He won't have time to meet my needs. What with full time work and kidney dialysis three times a week, I really can't expect too much back in return. That's why this is such an unfair predicament. But by being home, I could care for his dietary needs (a big deal in kidney failure). I very much doubt he would look after himself properly and then we all lose out.

I might look at this in the morning with a totally different perspective but tonight I'm at a dead end.

Are there any recovered people out there who spent a long time apart? Would welcome your point of view.TT who sounds a bit bitter and twisted tonight.

FF - I'll pray for you, you pray for me!! What a pair.

Griselda - that is exactly what I was after. Thank you so much. We've spent so little time together I don't particularly look forward to seeing him, in fact he gives me the heebee jeebees because I always expect bad news from him. A weekly date would be a good start and STD testing without question. I have to get my head around the fact that almost anyone I would meet at this stage of my life would have an unknown sexual history. WH is no different in that respect.

Thanks again and if you think of anything else, please let me know. TT

Orchid: His response may sound ok but it isn't. Why? Because it has always been the 'right thing t/d', so what makes this time different? See how he is still babbling. Gotta get you babble smart so you are not taken by his 1/2 answers. He needs to respond more in line like....

BS: Why.....
Xws: It is the right thing t/d and what I want t/d for our family and myself. I owe a lot to you and the children for still giving me this chance to come back.


Orchid: He s/b missing his entire family. Again he is attempting to win you over by 1/2 truths. So far he has not made any significant statements enough to woo you out of BS hiding. He is still a WS w/ an attitude, IMHO.


Orchid: What does it mean to meet your needs? Do you really know? Dialysis or not, he can meet your needs providing they are within reason. Think about this point again. Family obligation is one thing, meeting needs is another.


Orchid: His health care is important but so is the care he must show for his family. Even if he is laid up in bed, he can show care, concern and love for his family.

Nope, don't make excuses for him.


Orchid: Reread your previous posts. There are more of us who have had false recoveries from taking the Xws back too soon.

Remember you want your H back, not the WS. What is he doing to ensure that?

L.

Thanks Orchid, I woke up too early. I am not a master of reverse babble but I will try. I tend to get tongue tied when I am trying to express myself verbally.

Which previous posts do you mean for me to reread?

How long were you separated Orchid before your WH came home and have you ever regretted that decision? I think I'm expecting to feel love for him but at the moment I don't. Should I?

Edited to add: This is the first time since early Dday that he has asked to come home. I'm pretty sure the A is dead.

TT,

I am a FWW who wanted to come home after a 2 year separation. I would have done any of the things mentioned here by previous posters happily. I could have given my H a list of things about him and our marriage that made me want to be home. It was not just the kids or the family, it was about who he was and that I knew that I wanted him.

Maybe men are different, but if I (as a WW) had felt like "it was the right thing to do", it would have felt like settling to me. If my WH told me "it is the right thing to do" and wanted to come home, I would need more than that. Obligation should have prevented the A in the first place, I wouldn't want to base a future on that anymore.

Hmmm... elsewhere on this board I've read that it's better if the WS dumps the OP. Could you please clarify?

Good news TT, btw. Take it easy!

Thanks Jean. I am far from satisfied with his reasoning so far. The trouble is I am very much a person who lives for the day. I've never been one to have great expectations about what the future holds for me. I take people as I find them, don't make too many enemies, take each day as it comes and can't see even one week ahead.

I now have to make a plan for me. What do I want? If I'm totally honest I could live in this limbo forever. My life is comfortable. The kids are happy. There are many worse off than me, but it is decision time and it's hard. I don't like being a grown-up.

TT,

Read G's post. This is the one I was referring to.



In my case the timeline is as follows:

d/d: Nov 2000
WS moved out: Jan 1, 2001
Went to plan B: 1st Saturday in March 2001.

WS asked to come home: 2nd week in March 2001.
WS came home beginning of April 2001 - false recovery 1

WS left May 2001, June 2001, w/police via restraining order July 2001 (he went to live with OW...that lasted about 1 week - RO was 10 days).

WS left Sept 2001, December 2001...... ended w/WS breaking up with OW August 2003, I get an e-mail August 2003 from OW with juicy details but from all different years smoosched to make me think they all happened within the past 3 months. OW files RO against the Xws and we go to court Sept 20003. End of contact. Recovery began August 2003.

I do not advcoate the path I took. I should have taken the harder stance and I am an advocate of it since I didn't like that rocky rollercoaster recovery ride that I took from 2001 - 2003.

Hope that answers your question.

L.

Well, that is some good insight there TT.

I think you pretty much know what I think about this (you did say anybody right?)

I figured you'd be coming on with this question sooner or later. It was only a matter of time for your CH (Cheating Husband- I will no longer use the word "Wayward"...it is to deceiving and "sugarcoating" of reality) to have his affair end and him ask to come back to you and the family. I agree with Believer, "they" all eventually want to come back...it is just a matter if the Betrayed wants to stick it out long enough to wait for that to happen. Lets be honest here and not try and deny that FACT.

He knows where his bread is buttered. He KNOWS that reality is that he has a terminal disease and even with a transplant he is going to be on anti-rejection meds and be subject to the side effects of this for the rest of his life. He will NEED someone like you in his life....TO care for him and nurse him to health. I suspect the reality that SHE )OW) won't be able to do these things for him finally hit him (at least it had some effect).

I think very often the words "compassion" and "caring" are thrown around here WAY TOO MUCH when we talk about a Wayward Spouse. Some (alot??) of this is a Betrayed Spouses self rationazing mechanism that allows themselves to take a WS back after such an awful act of evil.

Being compassionate and caring is NOT enabling destructive behavior. Taking a CS back after such an act WITHOUT tremendous LONGTERM action of repentance and change is clearly ENABLING dysfunctional behavior. Read many of the threads here of BS doing this. They may "live for the moment" of getting a CS off the fence, but look what they get....Just my opinion..nuthing else.

The ? of donating a kidney to him in one of your other threads was just a prelude to this.

Dunno.......sometimes I think we "think" to much.....TO ME, the answer is very clear of what to do.....NOTHING....but I am sure many others will disagree.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Lem

Lemonman - no way is he getting one of my kidneys. I don't recall ever saying that. There actually was a time when the thought crossed my mind (pre-A) but not now.

It is strange LM because I agree with your stance on almost everything. But I find myself surprised that I can even consider it. I've known this man since I was 17. It is so incredibly hard to leave him to rot. And maybe I underestimate him. Perhaps he would take good care of himself. Over the past 2 yrs he has been an appalling father which is a big turn-off. I will encourage him to spend more time with the girls regardless of how this evolves.

I've a lot going on in my head today but I won't do anything hastily. Thanks TT

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No, I wasn't suggesting you said anything about donating YOUR kidney, but the suggestion that you would martyr(ize) your life in taking "care" of him regardless if your marriage continued or not. ****Some*** people might see that as compassionate or caring.....not me...I see it as dysfunctional. That was my only point. There are plenty of people who need compassion in life...NOT an unrepentant Cheating Spouse who has "come back around" cause his options have thinned out. Hey, but that is just me.

Good luck with this.

LM

No LM has that wrong. He's getting one of my kidney's. I'm keeping them both warm.

TT:

No doubt this is hard...I do sympathasize with you, I really do. But you can't look at it like you let him "rot"...he let himself rot.

IF he wants to come back and be the man that you "hope" that he can become (good father, provider, husband, and good human being) then he has to do that ON HIS OWN.

I think we as a BS are in major error when we let fear base our actions here and we don't let "nature" take it's course with a CS and their repentance and change. If a MAN wants to do something, he WILL DO IT....

The single worst thing a BS can do with a CS is NOT let them (CS) do their share of the work for fear they WON'T do it.

Hence, it is ok to be "thinking" about it....no crime there, but in reality there is NOTHING to decide. If you let him come home just "like that" after two years on the run than I'd say you deserve everything you will predictably get.....

I know you know better so I believe there is no need to even comment further.

Best of luck

LM