I'm looking for some advice on this whole plan A process. D-Day was a few weeks ago. In the mean time my wife did send a NC letter to OM. Less than a week later she made contact, I found out and it was as painful as d-day, maybe more. I don't want to be smothering, I don't want to obsess to the point I go any more crazy than I already feel, she has all these feelings for the OM. What do I do? I really feel lost? Do we go somewhere together? Do I leave her alone? I just want her to get through the first few weeks of withdrawal. I'm not sure she can. What to do? I 've been really trying to feel special, which she is to me. I get nothing in return which is fine with me as long as I can keep her away from OM. Where is a persons snapping point?

I hear you headsouth. I am in the same boat except that I have been in Plan A for two months now and there is no NC letter. So, for you things might get better than you expected.
I would say that you try to be yourself, avoid LB, and also try meet her EN. Have you read SAA already? If not, it would be a good start. It helped me a lot to stay sane.

What is the history between you guys? How long have you been married, are there kids invloved, etc..

All the best to you

headsouth, are there any exposure opportunities? Exposure is the single most potent tool in killing affairs. Affairs thrive in secrecy and exposure ruins all that. So if the OM is married, I would expose to his wife. Other good exposure targets are the workplace [if a workplace affair] parents, close friends.

That is the stick of Plan A. The carrot is to do your best to meet her needs, avoid lovebusters, and assure her that you can forgive her if she will just stop her affair.

Her feelings for the OM will go away over time IF she ends all contact. If she does not end contact she won't withdraw.

Some very good reads that I would suggest are Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs. Some good articles on this website are "How to Survive Infidelity" and "Plan A and Plan B." Those articles will give you a good start.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
by Pepperband

Wow, I hadn't looked at it that way. When do you use the stick? I'm imagining that it wouldn't help a great deal if you are still dedicated to using the carrot approach. Do you use them at the same time? I don't completely understand.

Yup,

You use them at the same time. The goal is to get the affair to end and obtain as much support for your W has possible, so exposure is about seeking help from family and friends to save your marriage, NOT to punish her. However, expect her to be very very mad at exposure.

Listen to Mel, she is good.

I believe your W is posting here now isn't she? I have been talking with her abit if your W is the lady I think she is. Have some hope HS, she is trying but it is a real struggle right now.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You are correct, she is posting. I feel that it is fine that she reads my posts. Thank you for your help. It is *truly* appreciated. I love my wife, I love my family. That's all that matters to me. It will be an uphill struggle. There are times I need support and I that's why I'm turning you to guys. Thank you again.

TS

One question. I did find out that she had talked to him on the phone. The thing I found very interesting and disturbing out the OM response. The first thing he asked was 'how did he find out?' Hmmmmm, doesn't sound like he was overly interested in her. It sure sounds like was more concerned about his cover being broken. Do I tell her that? Or will that push her farther away from me.

Tell her that later. DJ's (disrespectful judgements) of the OM will only make her angry and serve you no real purpose at this point. On the contrary, it's likely to force her to feel like she needs to 'defend him'.

Doesn't matter if you're right or not...it's just how it is at this stage of things.

I'm not sure which poster is your wife. Is she remorseful over what happened? How is she remaining accountable for NC to you? What steps have the two of you taken to enforce NC?

headsouth, I read your WW's thread. She is getting help from some very good posters including JL.

I know FF. I think maybe God is on my side for finding this spot. I get angry at this guy. Thank you all. GOd will find a place in heaven I believe for each of you for what you've done here. As each and every one of you know the pain, confusion, frustration, ect., ect.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

headsouth,

You asked earlier if you should go away somewhere together...YES, if you can do that, and she is amicable to it then, ABSOLUTELY do that!

I do, of course, agree with Melody about exposure. It is the most powerful tool that you have to end the affair, and it provides further insurance that the affair will not resume. Plus, if OM is married, then it is really your duty to tell his wife. Yes, the carrot and the stick of Plan A are to be exercised in tandem. Your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it can not and will not survive an ongoing affair.

I do not know which poster is your wife...I will go and read to try and figure that out...I would be more than willing to offer her my support, as I am a FWW. She must understand that each time she contacts the OM, she not only sets herself back to square one as far as withdrawal is concerned, but she deepens your pain and further disrespects you.


Mrs. Wondering

Mrs. W, she is posting on the recovery board.

Got it Faithful, THANKS...I just posted to her...

headsouth...I would be very interested to hear about how you are dealing with your wife's Bipolar Disorder...My father has Bipolar Disorder...I have been going through it with him for about 26 years, so I have a very good frame of reference in that department...I understand that your WW's therapist does not feel that her disorder contributed to her A in any way...why is that, does her therapist have a lot of first hand experience with Bipolars?(That is VERY important) What is your take on this?

Mrs. Wondering

MrsWond - that is a loaded question and I hope you ready to listen. (In fact I hope you are still around, I fell asleep so hard last night I didn't reply. It felt sooo good.) Anyway. My son is 10 and my other son is 6. Not long after son #1 was born, maybe a year or so, I noticed that my wife had gone through some changes. She seemed like a totally different person, a person who 'hated' me. I'm not sure where the 'hate' came from. There was nothing I ever physically did, I never intentionally hurt her emotionally. I am a guy and probably have done stupid guy things, but you get the idea. Anyway, this went on for well over a year. In fact we weren't intimate in over a year. We went to MC but she bailed on it and basically told me it was over. I still never knew why. I remember the day, the place and almost the exact time when it was like a light came on and she was back. We were driving down the road and I finally told her that if she wanted a divorce that it was ok with me and I wouldn't fight it. It was the last thing I ever wanted to have to say, my 2 year old son was in the back seat. I could see a change in her demeanor, her eyes, her actions. She was no longer this flippent hateful person, she was the person I had married and loved. Is this possible after so long? A year long manic episode? She had started to be treated medicinally. All was pretty good until about 4 months ago. We had a lot of stressers going on in our lives. I could sense things weren't right. Some of her physical actions had turned back 8 years, her attitude, ect. The 'other' person had come back. No where along the lines did I know what bipolar was at the time. I thought it was all from depression. Quit honestly, until just a couple weeks ago I didn't really know what bipolar was. I am obviously a novice to this disease and I'm sure my ignorance is not helping with our problems. I don't know if I should show anger, not show anger, show my pain, not show my pain, walk out, stay... I only wish I knew what would help. I love my wife, quit honestly I can't live with the 'other' person. Can someone give me some insight on this? I really need someones help. Throw an A on top of it all and you have a novice dealing with a very complicated problem.

Oh headsouth...

Yes, I'm still here...I "hear" all of your pain and uncertainty...I recognize it so very well...I've seen my mom go through all of that and much more with my dad and his illness...my dad began his cycles of Bipolar Disorder when he was 35, I was 10...He's now 60 and I'm 36...he only began taking and staying medicated a year ago in August...the catalyst for that, unfortunately, was my mom divorcing him after 40 years of marriage...Yes, a one year cycle of mania/hypomania is possible...my dad's manias usually last on average for 6 months followed by intense depression...the mania's were every two to three years-they worsen with age...remember, he was unmedicated.

Bipolars struggle with extreme impulse control problems...that is why their "resume" many times includes, infidelity, financial ruin, drug/alcohol abuse(known as a dual diagnosis) and a myriad of other diastratous type behaviors. Please understand that even if your wife's affair was during a manic phase that that would only explain her behavior, not excuse it.

The good news for you is that your wife is currently medicated...but as I told her over on her thread in recovery, one of the hardest things for a Bipolar is remaining on medication...once they stabilize, they will often feel that they no longer need the meds., or sometimes they "break thru" the meds.-the cycles are not as bad then, but the meds. must be adjusted or changed. Bipolars are typically very intelligent and creative people, and they sometimes feel that the meds. interfere with the real them, and therefore wish to discontinue them...a deal breaker, in my opinion.

You most definitely can choose to stay and love a Bipolar...but you MUST have a very good understanding of the disorder and learn to recognize signs of cycles...unique to each individual-another reason that it is often misdiagnosed. You and your children will need to be in counseling...I cannot stress to you enough how important this is, along with finding a counselor that has FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE in dealing with Bipolars...BPD is a very cunning disorder, I have seen it fool even the most experienced people in the mental health profession. I have been fortunate in finding a counselor who truly understands what life with my father was like, she was married to a Bipolar, who sadly, committed suicide, and her daughter is also Bipolar-it makes a world of difference when someone REALLY KNOWS...I hope that you are able to find someone with that kind of understanding, it is a Godsend.

In reading your wife's thread things sound promising for the two of you...BUT, I am aware that Bipolars can fool many...you will have to be the judge of how things are progressing...I will help you both in any way that I can...Give me your take on the current state of things where NC and withdrawal is concerned right now...How are you doing today?

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

Hi Mrs. W,

First off thank you for the support. You are a saint. How am I doing today? Well I'm doing ok. God knows how a good nights rest helps a person. I think I got 4-5 hours of uninterruped sleep! Of course I'm still very confused. The thing that keeps me going is that I love my wife and my kids. I need some help in the 'what to do on a daily basis' department. I'm not sure what I can do to give her love units, what kind of love units? There are things I do naturally like tell her how beautiful she is. That's natural because she is. I have her cup of coffee ready each morning hoping she realizes that it's there because I've thought of her each night before I go to bed, not that I feel she needs coffee in the morning. I tell her I love her, it's heart felt because I do love her. I've done little things. How do I know if I should even be doing these things? Am I kidding myself?

headsouth...

Me a saint? LOL...Oh Lord NO...myself and Mr. Wondering both wish that were the case! But you are welcome for the support...this board is great...stay here, there is much to be gained. Mr. W and I both attribute much of our recovery success to this board, and obviously all of the stuff we've learned from reading Dr. Harley's materials.

I think that you would very much benefit from doing phone counseling with one of the Harleys. They are the true professionals, and I am certain that they would be best in coaching you on how to proceed in their program while still taking your wife's condition into consideration.

How is your wife responding to your meeting her needs right now? That is the best gauge that you've got. Are you continuing to monitor for NC between OM and your wife? Again, I think that it's great that you two are going on vacation together. Consider buying His Needs/Her Needs on CD to listen to together while you are away...it sparked many progress making conversations between my H and I.

I do think that you should expose to the OM's wife...I know that that will not make me a favorite of KJ's should she be reading your threads(although she did back me up when I gave Exposure advice to Fourth-Nail-so I dunno)...but I KNOW that it is the right thing to do...OMW deserves to know about the decisions that your W and her H have been making in her life without her consent...AND it will give you further insurance that the A does not continue...

Take baby steps...there is no magic pill that makes this process is easier...withdrawal is he11 on the BS and the WS...you just have to make sure that there is definitely NO CONTACT!!!

Mrs. W