That is virtually a guarantee that the child will resent one or both parents, and rightfully so, since the child will most likely end up neglected.

In the case of good, caring parents, the child's wants are often their wants - the child wants his parents to come to the school play, or to take him to soccer practice, and the parents want that too, because they want their children to be happy and watching him enjoy himself gives them pleasure.

As AGG said, it is often a question of balance, just as you have to balance the wants of child #1 and child #2, #3, etc. However, if the child's wants always come last, that is a recipe for disaster, and especially so when the spouse is less likely to care deeply about the children's happiness, because he or she is not their parent.

This only works when you have two loving and caring parents, which cannot be assured even in the "original" family with both biological parents.

And as Nellie said, this is even less likely to happen in a blended family situation, because the stepparent, no matter how good and loving, will not have that unconditional love and connection to the child. So I would not assume that the "wants" of the stepparent will automatically satisfy the "wants" of the child. Doesn't work that way.

AGG

A child should know that their NEEDS will always be most important to their parents (AND their stepparents, if applicable). One should marry with that in mind -- will your second spouse feel your child's needs are a priority?


Please note the second sentence of that paragraph --
One should marry with that in mind -- will your second spouse feel your child's needs are a priority?

Stepparents CAN be and often ARE excellent parents to their stepchildren.

In the case of Nellie's friend -- the birth parent chose poorly. They didn't look at their potential mate's fitness to parent/stepparent.

In my situation, I grew up loving my stepfather and cherishing the memories of a childhood in his home, because my mother chose well.

Blending families can be done with great success -- one must simply take care that one is not blending in a person who is immature, selfish, violent, or destructive.

Bearing that in mind -- YES, I maintain that the wants of ANY child come second to the wants of the parenting team -- biological and step. The child is in the backseat of the car for their own protection; they lack the wisdom to "drive the car" -- or rather, to set the direction of the family.

And that goes for blended families as well as intact biological families.

Does a child who loves music "need" to take piano or guitar lessons? Does a child who lacks coordination "need" to take martial arts? Does a child who loves animals "need" to be in 4-H? Does any child "need" to go to the library regularly, or to have books of their very own? Do they "need" birthday parties or playdates or an an occasional outing to get ice cream? Does a child who wants to be a doctor "need" to go to college? All of these are wants, all of them may be in conflict with the wants of the parents to have time to play golf or plenty of money for retirement, and all of these are important to the welfare of the child. The whole parents setting the direction of the family thing only works if the parents' primary long term goal is to raise healthy, responsible, well-educated and happy children who have every opportunity possible to reach their full potential, even if the attainment of that goal requires the parents to give up some or even most of their "wants."

That's the whole point. The healthy parents and stepparents together make the decision what "wants" are appropriate. They maintain control of the family vehicle. They responsibly make the decision to grant the child's "wants" as they deem appropriate, and to ensure all the needs are met. Every want a child has -- cannot and SHOULD not be indulged. Everything we want isn't necessarily good for us.

Your spouse is your equal, your partner for life. It's a crime to assume that they aren't, just because you've been scarred by a previous divorce.
Your child is a child -- and depends on parents and stepparents to make wise judgements on their behalf.

Deciding whether your children's wants are good for them has nothing whatsoever to do with making their wants a higher priority than those of the adults. Of course I wouldn't give my kids cookies for breakfast even if they wanted them, because that is not a healthy diet. I would not refuse them cookies for breakfast because I wanted to eat them.

Examples of putting your child's wants first include reading them a story when you would rather be reading the paper, or suffering through their clarinet practice when you would rather be watching TV. Good parents do this sort of thing all the time. You may sift through your children's wants and eliminate those that are not good for them in any of dozens of ways, or those that would make it impossible to meet their basic needs, but you almost never reject their wants just because they conflict with yours or your spouses.

Whether or not your partner is your equal or whether or not you have been scarred by divorce also has nothing to do with whose wants have the highest priority.

I had a really long post about this that deleted itself. So, I can either take that as meaning I shouldn't be saying it or simplify it.

Priorities are pretty simple:

God first
Spouse second
Children third
Work forth
Fun and Mayhem next ---

Now, you can go wherever you want with that - but if you have those priorities in tact, lined up the right way - your children are going to have the care they need.

If they don't, then it gets all out of whack and the reality is, many spouses complain that they aren't top priority with their spouse for good reason. If you don't have your priorities lined up correctly, your spouse has to realign their priorities.

To be non-politically correct because PC just isn't my style... If your job is your first priority and you want your spouses attention over your children, you're barking up the wrong tree. If you can't figure that out, you've got a pretty screwy set of priorities anyways.

Jan

Its not too difficult to decide about the situation you're IN...but....how do get there????

how do you manage this in the dating world?

I'm not married. So obviously my kids come #1 on my list.
However, I am in a serious relationship. BF is not part of the "parenting team".

Its not difficult at this point to manage my priorities. But where is the transition point? If this is someone I want to marry, do I begin to put him first at engagement? And how would we get to that point if I'm constantly putting kids first? Do I tell him "honey, right now you're only my BF, but when you become my husband or fiance, then everything will change..."

This stuff gets very messy! I'm very glad that my kids are not under the age of 10 right now!

Lexxy,

When you get more serious with the guy, you'll know.

He will become more involved in your kids activities with you, because he wants to become more involved and wants to spend time with you, even if it is with your kids.

And as your kids get to know him, they will appreciate the fact you also want to spend some time with him alone, just like they want to spend time with their friends.

You will learn to balance it all out, because your relationship with the person and your kids will both be important to you, and it really won't be as hard as you think.

Before my husband and I got married, he wanted to spend time with me, and if it meant going and watching my daughters basketball game then thats what he did.

If it meant he went to watch his daughter cheer and I went to my daughters basketball game and we met up later, then that's what we did.

When you love the person, you will learn to make the compromises.