Ok here I am almost four years divorced - afraid to date.. now I am talking to my exhusband but I am still looking for an answer.... why did he do this to me??? Why has this left me so screwed up and so doubting myself???Why has he moved on and continues to move on - I mean he broke up with the lady next door recently so I find it esier to talk to him but now I find myself wishing none of this happened... Yet I am not even sure that I like him - yet he couldnt' care to give me the time of day to understand anything about how an why my divorced happened.... When the ****** am I ever gonna freaking let go???? finally and feel better about myself????

Hey,
Email me Mimi.....we are going through some of the same things......
khil0401@hotmail.com
or
kayhilburn@yahoo.com

Hang in there Mimi,

It is hard. My ex has been horrible to us...financially, emotionally and otherwise. It was five years for me April 1st...and it crosses my mind hundreds of times a day.

The hurt varies from day to day....but not a day goes by that I don't wonder "Why". It is hard on me...and it is hard on the kids.

Please know, tho, that life is still worthwhile...and you are still worthwhile...and you DESERVE happiness, love and a good life. We all do!!! I think your feelings are normal for people like us who invested a lot in their marriage partner...and tho I hate the terms, I think it matters if you were the "dumper" or the "dumpee". Take care of yourself!!! Pat

Hi Maw, It's been over 5 years since WH left and moved in with MOW and as far as I know, they're still together. I'm not even divorced yet - I go to court a week from tomorrow for a divorce trial since my lawyer hasn't gotten any response at all from STBX's lawyer on my offer. I'm nervous about having to testify in court, but I've gotten this far, I guess I can go the rest of the way...

Anyway, I relate to your dilemma. I've had no contact for about 4 years. I even dated, mostly to try to prove to myself I wasn't totally undesirable, but BF, who I didn't even think was "good enough" was the one who ended that relationship, too. I guess I feel like a real "loser" as well as a "dumpee". My Dad just died 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and it's been raining almost non-stop for weeks, neither of which help my mood any...

Maw~

It would be nice for all of us to sit around a table together and talk wouldn't it?

I have moved past xh no doubt, but the thoughts of "why" still creep in from time to time.

My x is remarried. Is he as happy as he thought he would be? I'm not convinced. But, I'm quite sure I will never hear of his unhappiness/mistake or an apology from him.

He left a little over 3 yrs ago. I have had one relationship that couldn't work and this guy inturn rushed and married someone. I have dated a couple other guys only to feel nothing. Recently I dated a guy that I could have let myself go with only for him to dump me for xgf.

It does leave me feeling unwanted or too much baggage or...., anything but desirable.

I try to believe that we will all be happy again one day and our why's will be answered. For now though, it doesn't give much comfort.

If your x broke up with honey next door, how happy is he really??
Sounds like paradise was spoiled.

Karona

Get the book REBUILDING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS by BRUCE FISHER AND ROBERT ALBERTI...

Will help tremendously.
mlhb

Kay - Hi I got your email this morning and I look forward to talking to you further about this... thanks for caring...

Pat - Dont you wish it would stop crossing your mind though??? I mean I feel ok - really I do it is just something in my life is missing and alot of times I want to say it is him but then I say look at him - if I wasn't married to him for so long and shared so much with him would I even give him a second glance nope I dont' think so.... So Yup I need to get to the I deserve it part.....

Karona - I don't really think that my ex is happy that is what bothers me alot of the time also like what was it all for ??? Why did he put us through all of this??? I am not happy - he is not happy... though the funny thing is my kids are happy - so somewhere god knows how I am doing something right with them..... I am their main support and I have somehow managed to keep that much together for them...I just have lost all self esteem and all confidence in myself - I keep thinking you know if I wasn't good enough for him - when everyone thinks he is a loser - then will I ever be good enough for anyone else??? and I am afraid to let myself try to be....

MLHB - Thanks for the tip on the book I will go to my library website right now and see if I can find it - and take it out - anything I am sick of feeling like I am just going through the motions but not really living my life..... you know???

[color:"purple"]MAW,

Think of yourself as a kind hearted person who tried to see something besides the loser everyone else saw. Then learn to spot losers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was (and maybe still am) the sort of gal that would find a guy sweet that others saw as weird or mean.

v. [/color]

I’d like to make a suggestion. I suggest it wasn’t really about you at all. If it were, you’d probably be well aware of the reasons why he put you through it.

I used to beat myself up. Why wasn’t I worth it to FH to get the books out of the house. He himself said it was one of the easy fixes. Yet, he never did it. Why? Why? Why?

Why was he doing this to me?

Then, one day I had a little epiphany. It was that I was worthwhile no matter what anyone thought simply because the creator had created me. After that, I was able to detach a little bit and eventually, I came to see that the books and stuff had very little to do with me. He would have treated anyone else the same exact way. There was nothing I could do or not do that would make any difference.

Realizing I had no control completed the loop. Once I admitted I had no way to control his behavior, I was able to give up the “Why?” question.

Now the “Why” question I ask is “Why did I stay in that situation so long? Why was I so complicit in creating the situation?” ‘Cause, guess what, I can control those things!

PS: I think the fact that your children are happy is a very strong sign.

Very well said GG.

SunnyVa - I actually am a fixer - upper if you will and always see the good in people even when they do me wrong and then I tend to take the blame.... that is actually a good and bad quality that I have - being nice - but then again always the doormat....

mlhb- I put the book on hold at my library they should be getting it for me in the next couple of days - thanks I will let you know if it helps...'

Greengables. - I guess I know somewhere it wasn't about me.. it was about him but then he makes me think that it was about me and that is why I have still allowed myself to get confused I guess... I need to complete that loop and just stop being plain loopy I guess... and you know my girls are very happy and I should take that as a sign but I get from him you want to take all of the credit - blah blah blah - but you know what I have raised them for the last four years and I continue to.. .so I will take the credit - my daughter turned 16 on Easter Sunday -- I bought her a cheap car dependable but cheap - she got her license and she got a job all by Friday of that week - just like I told her she would - I am so proud of her.... So ok I need to fix that loop it isn't me it is him...

Nams - thanks for checking in.... and commenting on gg's comments - but again I think most of the time I am just looping but now on to completing that loop....

Wow I haven't been here in months and dropped in today as I feeling very much the same way. And look at the thread I found.

x is coming into town this weekend to see kids. And I still haven't dated!!!! Thought there might be a connection between and a single dad from my D bowling league, but figure we've know each other to long and he's already decided that it wouldn't work!!!!

Anyways, he went this to me yesterday and thought that I would share this with all of you ladies out there. Made me stop and think about myself and that I was worth the time and waiting.

C ya
Dawn

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from
the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have
to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb &nb sp;
all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.

Daybreak -thanks for the apple quote... lovely and oh so true..... I have to spend the evening with my ex at my daughters confirmation I invited him and his mother out to dinner with us thinking it would be the right thing to do she only gets confirmed once well - at first he was going but now he has decided it just wouldn't be good for me.... Again hello this isn't about me and him it is about his daughter and her special day...so he is making me out to the be the wack job - when in fact I was the one that invited the two of them - truthfully I think he was looking for a way not to pay anything towards the dinner but stuff like that - he doesn't go - I feel bad because he makes it seem like it is my fault....

That was good Dawn! That is one way to look at ourselves now isn't it?
The bowling league sounds fun! Good for you.

Maw~ it's really a shame your x couldn't do this for his daughter.
Maybe it's more about him. It wouldn't be good for him. For whatever those reasons may be, which could be one to many, guilt? shame? left over feelings? hard to say.

This isn't about you or your fault. You made a genuine effort and you can not control his decisions.

I'm sorry he has made this choice where his daughter is concerned.

Karona

Of course, it’s about him. My psychiatrist told me when a person tells you something way off base about yourself, it’s really like he or she is using you as a mirror. So, when your X said it wouldn’t be good for you, it is really that the situation wouldn’t be good for him.

I wouldn’t let him get away with it. If your daughter asks, say “I invited Daddy to come out with us, but he sent his regrets.” If your X has already told your girls he isn’t going because he thinks it would be bad for you, simply tell the girls, “You know, that’s considerate of your father, but considering I’m a grown up and I invited him in the first place, I feel confident I would be just fine eating dinner with him.”

Karon & Greengables....Yup he already told them he wouldn't be coming because of me... I told my daughter listen I have to sit in a church pew with him I can handle dinner with him or I wouldn't have invited him... And I even told her if she really wanted him to come that she would have to call him again herself and she just said well he said it wouldnt' be a good idea for me ... so I am not sure if she buys that or not.. but I think he told her would take her out to eat later... which is a huge cop out but whatever it is his loss.... he thinks that I am just poisioning the girls minds against him and believe me they have formed their own opinions of him a long time ago... I don't need to tell them anything bad about him nor would I ever.... They are pretty much hip to the fact that their dad and I are not the best of friends but really what is he gonna do when they grow up and get married - not go cuz it isn't gonna be good for me????

LOL! That would be sooo funny. Imagine missing an important event in your daughter's life because it wouldn't be good for your X if you went!

I'm lucky that my X is okay with coming to the events.