Kinda new to the board...previous postings are "affairs revealed March 27th". In so many ways things are going as best as could be expected. FWH is doing all the right things, we both feel confident things will be better in the long run, SF has been great, seems like old times in a lot of ways... I am just still so down. I can't remember ever feeling so sad for so long. It seems harder than when I've had a death of a family member. People know why you are hurting. In this case we have only told his trusted Aunt and Uncle and a couple who is our best friends. I think the feeling of leading a double life wears on me. Having to present to most of the world including our parents that everything is normal is so hard. I just don't know how to get out of the funk and be more productive. Is that just normal at this point...I'm 4 weeks since D-Day? Also we don't start counseling till next week....maybe that will help??

Oh, of course it's normal for you to feel down, especially since you haven't started counseling yet. My wife hurt for months and I was the most humble person I could be. And I too was doing all the right things and immediately started counseling and was going to an accountability group. You have a right to those feelings and just know if he is working on his issues things will improve over time and you will be able to smile again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

P.S. I should had also said, if my wife could smile after all I did. I know you can smile again.

I'M so sorry you've joined the glum ranks. I found out at the end of Jan. and am still sad and lethargic alot of the time. Please read as much as possible pertaining to your own situation on this board- I have found it immensely helpful.

Time hasn't really made much of a difference but intermident joys have begun to sneak into my day. I think I appreciate them much more now.

I also would suggest IC, it has been a safe space for me. I have vented on this board more than once and the people here have been extrememly caring and genuine in their bid to be helpful.

Hey there,
The rollercoaster of emotions also cycles- I so know the feeling of profound sadness. Time will make it easier. But, you may feel this way again.

Too bad we can't hurry time, huh?

Sometimes, it really helped me to write in my journal. Are you doing that? Sometimes, I have gone and gotten in my car and cried and screamed and cried some more.

You are going to be fine. Hang in there.

March,

I certainly understand about the sadness. For me it comes and goes. The first couple of weeks for me was almost unbearable. The whole not sleeping, not eating bit was bad too. But I'm sleeping now and I'm eating now. I carry on one day at a time and put my clothes on the same way I used to. This board has been a great help to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have a couple things in common. D-Days within 2 days of each other, both WS, kids involved. We have differences too. My WW is pretty flopsy about making our marriage work. From what I'm reading, your FWH is committed to making yours work.

Your feelings and emotions, they're your own personal protection. I'm familiar with the pain you're experiencing. What helped me the most was finding an actual person, flesh and blood, face to face, that I could confide in. Once I could verbally vent it and let myself experience the pain for what it was instead of bottling it up, things got better for me personally.

WW and I have started counseling already. You should expect your first visit or two to really be about the counselor gathering information that s/he will need to help you. This is also your opportunity to interview the counselor to make sure you and FWH are compatible and both of you like the counselor. Great opportunity for the use of POJA. If one of you doesn't like the person, don't fuss over it, find another one.

My WW is dissapointed because the first two counseling sessions didn't make her feel better about what was going on. Expect that. I guess you could compare counseling to taking an antibiotic. It's something you need to do to get better, but it's got to be in your system a while for you to feel the benefits.

If you think the sadness and depression are becoming too much, there's nothing wrong with seeing your doc about getting an anti-depressant. Your counselor will probably tell you something similar to, "It's difficult to make sound decisions and think clearly when you're depressed."

I think at this point, though, the good times are there for you to make. Just remember, we're only a month into this. Think of it as an investment that takes time to build. The positive results may not seem like a lot at first, but the end rewards are incredible.

Good luck,

Drex

AskMe...your comment about your wife being able to smile made me smile! I don't think I've been able to read your story but I remember you share the SA problem with my FWH. Actuallly I have been able to smile since D-Day. I have two precocious preschoolers around 24/7 so it's impossible not too. FWH and I have been able to joke about the situation too. We really are best friends and both are sarcastic so that helps. I guess I just long for the old me but know that in some ways that person isn't there. I know from this I will emerge a changed person.

APL...I understand the lethargic feeling. That is definitely a problem I have. You are right about this board too. I may need the IC. I sometimes worry about telling my H everything I'm feeling because I know it makes him feel so bad and he's had problems with depression. He is under a lot of stress as a medical resident. I think being able to vent to someone else would help. I'm glad some joy is sneaking into your day!

Move Forward...thanks for the encouragement. I do think just the passage of time will help. Everything is just so fresh now. I've not written in a journal yet. That's a good idea though. I just wouldn't want my kids to find it in the future. Since they are so young it is my hope that they'll never have to know.

Drex...I do think I have been bottling things up a lot which does add to the sadness and cause anger. You sound like you've come further in the past 4 weeks than I have. I have started eating again and unfortunately gained the weight back that I lost..ha ha. I like your quote...this is surely a one day at a time thing. I do feel fortunate that my FWH is certain of what he wants and I hope your W will be soon stand firm in her resolve to preserve your marriage.

March, glad to see you're sticking around and that a few things have been helpful. We've been married the same amount of time but I have 3 kids and am about 8yrs older than you. It's amazing how much you can have in common with different people on this site.

Regarding the journal- if you think it would be helpful start it and resolve to destroy it after the reconcilliation of the marriage. That way you can vent and see your progress and not be concerned about the kids finding it yrs from now.

I think you are obviously a very strong and courageous young woman. You have been supportive through you WH depression and work stresses while continuing to nuture 2 very young children. Hats off to you, alot of people would have difficulty finding that strength.

Continue to be true to yourself and know that what you're feeling naturally comes with the territory(doesn't make it any easier but more comforting).

I just wanted to say, this is something that can change you and you may not be the same old self. But that can be good, if you take the opportunity to find the positive in a bad situation. If your husband is working on his issues, then see this as a time to learn and grow. Some people will freeze in their relationship and say "I don't want to hurt any more, so I'm going to push away and keep my heart safe." And so in marriage they will live an isolated life. But to me they are just hurting inside, living an unfulfilled life, an unenriched life, just trying to protect their heart, "just in case" something happens again. Well if it happened again, then let it happen, let your heart break, you will survive, and then you can walk away with a lesson learned. But in the meantime you can have lived life fullfilled and rich. It goes back to the old says, "tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all". Why waste years living in dispair when you can let go of the pain and live in freedom?

March, it's a crazy crazy experience. I had a really good day yesterday and today I'm not so confident. I envy your situation in the respect that you have a FWS that appears to be remorseful and wants to make the R work. I guess my biggest hang up is that I can't seem to wrap my head around how someone could cause that kind of pain and NOT be remorseful.

I'm incredibly happy for you that you've both made the committment to work at it so soon. I'm incredibly sad that it came to this kind of trauma before we (us and WSs) to say something had to be done.

I wouldn't say that I've come farther, but I think we're just on different roads leading to the same place (hopefully) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck and keep us posted.

APL...thanks for the compliment and encouragement. 8 years older is not that much...one of my best friends is your age!! You know, even with the sadness I do recognize that I am still strong. I am a Christian and I do credit that. Believe me before this happened I would have said I would pull a Lorena Bobbitt but for some reason when this all hit the fan it just came over me that I still loved him and would be able to forgive him. I read some of your thread and I think you are very strong too. You mentioned the fear of being in public and people knowing. My situation is a little different...4 ONS...people that he doesn't even know their real names...it was women met in chat rooms...but I fear being with him and them seeing us and looking at me like that poor schmuck. I think most people would have looked at us as the picture perfect family and now there's that sense that even though so few know somehow everyone knows. I know you can't live your life worried about what everyone else thinks but it is normal to an extent.

AskMe....I totally agree with what you say. I do want to live my life in freedom. I know my FWH feels so free right now to have this long term secret out and is ready for me to "catch up". I keep reminding him that he's known for so much longer than me. Just admitting yesterday how sad I was to the MB and him has helped. There is a fear of doing all the work and thinking everthing is okay and then it happening again but I know for our sake and our children's it is worth the fight. I don't think I could forgive myself if I would have walked away without trying. I had to look at the whole of his life and our life and not let one aspect erase all the good.

Drex...It is a crazy, crazy thing and I'm so sorry that your W is not at the point of true remorse. I know this doesn't always happen immediately from reading this board so you know there is hope. I'm with you on feeling sad that it had to come to this to work at things that were lacking. I've said that so many times. I knew my H and I were not on the same page sexually but I didn't think he would do this b/c of that. I mean it's not that simple. If you read my previous postings you'll see he was sexually abused and this is a SA problem but nonetheless , his admission began a breaking down of walls between us and as wierd as it may seem we have had the best SF of our marriage and have come to a point of physical intimacy I didn't realize was possible. So anyways from all this bad, good has come. And my hope for you is that good will come too. I hadn't been on your threads previously but is there a chance your wife has a SA too?

March,

You asked,
It wouldn't suprise me if she had a SA at all. I mean, 19 As in less than 12 years. All but 4 involved alcohol and of the 4 that didn't 2 were at times that we were not doing well in our M. We won't know for certain what caused her to make the choices she made until she goes to IC, if she goes at all.

What really concerns me is that WW has stopped believing in God. I took the kids to church last Sunday and when they asked why mommy didn't go with us, I simply refered them to her. "You'll have to ask your mommy. I can't speak for her." Well, WW replied when asked, "I just didn't feel like going."

We were visiting her parents the week before Easter and WW went to church with us, but she had to get up and leave right before communion started because she couldn't keep her composure. I just stayed and took the kids to the alter for communion.

I know WW is struggling with this. I can feel it. Maybe it's easier for her to not believe in God because she won't have to ask His forgiveness. Maybe it's easier to not want to be married to me because she won't have to ask my forgiveness either. No doubt about it, it's rough.

Anyways, I think you're doing great and your successes are my inspirations. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> BTW, what did you do to get WH to commit to your M? Just curious.

Drexxell I just read your information. I am recovering from my own sexual addiction and I also work with others helping them with their recovery. What you described about your wife sounds like someone who experienced a good amount of trauma somewhere during their childhood. The number of affairs, mixed with alcohol and then turning away from their religious beliefs would be typical. Right now it sounds like she is struggling with a lot of shame and guilt issues and that is why church is so hard for her. Many people think I have done all these horrible things so how could God love me. The truth is God has compasssion for us and wants us to return to Him and He extends His love and mercy to us. She just needs to hear God still loves her and sees her as His beautiful child. I deal with these issues often. If you can reassure her of that it will go a long way to help her.

Don't want to take over March's thread with this so I'll make a new one.

Drex asked...

I guess I was a lucky BS. When we were about to talk and I had a feeling of what he was going to say I told him that no matter what he had done, even if he'd slept with someone else I was not leaving and knew I could somehow forgive him. After he confessed it all, mainly 6 years of intermittent chatting in married but looking type chat rooms and 4 ONS's with woment met in these rooms (no contact after event) he said he still loved me and wanted to be with me and so on. Said he'd address the sexual abuse from his childhood, his current Sexual addiction and go to couples counseling. He has done everything I've asked and been truly repentant.

As for the church/God issue, he would tell you that church was the most uncomfortable place for him to be. Finding out about the last 6 years explained so much...the depression, not wanting to go to church like he had his whole life, weight gain, etc. I'm sure your W feels so uncomfortable at church. I would say making things right with her God will go along way with her ability to make things right with you.

BTW Drex...I'd never get mad for someone bringing more discussion and action to something I started <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

March,

I knew what WW was going to say before she said it too. Had I eaten, I would have been physically ill on the front porch. Fortunately, it was 1:15 AM and I'd had dinner several hours earlier.

After she told me about the most recent A, the next thing she said was "When are you leaving?" I was completely baffled. I'm concerned that I'll start having feelings of resentment because she's not showing remorse.

I know, I know. Patience and time are vital to this. It didn't take us a month to get where we're at. I think part of the issue is it just takes a lot of time for a spouse to see and recognize changes in another spouse. To take a snippet out of the book I'm currently reading...


May God grant us patience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Patience is a virtue desperately needed in these situations!!