This is a classic letter ... applicable when your adulterous spouse is not willing to disclose the details of the affair ... but wants to recover the marriage ...

Here ya go!

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

Pep

What a masterpiece..... beautiful & moving letter

Guess all WH just want to move on & put the terrible mistake (if indeed WH truly believe it's mistake, there's a chance WH feels NO CHOICE due kids & other circumstances..... ? never really know isnt it? I am cynical & I dont apologise for being so)

Oops, got sidetracked there, but whatever the reason WH wants to rebuild marriage, WH indeed seems keen to move on & put the past (if WH does not see it as a mistake) behind them.....

WH never understands the motive & benefit of all the interrogation...... WH only detests the interrogation.....

Plan A is most alluring to WH cos no more interrogation.... & life seems to just move on the way WH wishes.....

Somehow I feel BS will never really be able to piece together the puzzle, that there will bound to be missing pieces...... At the end, it may be up to BS to decide if getting the puzzle completed is really all that important.....

Ignorance is bliss...... would it be easier to move on with a less shattered heart than one pounded to powder? But this contradicts Harley's advocate for total honesty..... Which is healthier in the long term...... Maybe there should be a compromise.... Maybe honesty for all actions & behaviour after joint decision to rebuild suffices........

Even with need & request for honesty after joint decision to rebuild, there's also no guarantee what you see is really what you get.......

Enough airing my cynical thots .... the letter is just beautiful......

endofworldnomore

just awoke from daze, from being consumed by cynicism......

Yes, doubtful if will ever get complete puzzle & wonder if it's really necessary or useful....... remember, it's easier to forgive but impossible to forget.....

Despite these thots, still feel letter is true classic...... if I ever get to start rebuild...... I will definitely use it....... even if I cant get full puzzle, it will allow WH to be in my shoes for a minute..... cos empathy can lead to feeling of guilt......

As for feeling of guilt...... for now, while still in Plan A, dont sense any in WH........ wonder when it will kick in? Believe it will, a matter of time......

Is guilt important? Yes, at least to me..... doesnt guarantee affair-proof marriage thereafter, but helps to resuscitate conscience & fix moral compass......

endofworld

The thing is

[color:"red"]YOU [/color]

the betrayed spouse

(not the formerly adulterous spouse)

get to decide

which exact pieces

of the affair puzzle

YOU require

in order to

remain married

after
infidelity

Pep

Hi pep

Been real busy.......... DIL is outliving doc's expectations........ we been by bedside......... unable to come MB......

Yes, am aware that BS decides which missing piece of puzzle is needed for recovery........was only voicing out inner thots that in deciding how much of the A BS wants to know, to bear in mind that sometimes, not knowing too much may be better.......... cos

- easier to forgive than to forget
- ignorance is bliss

For me, I been an excellent Sherlock Holmes....... got practically all I needed to know & think should know...

I think that honesty after A, in the years ahead is more CRITICAL. I believe this may not be easy..... gotta to learn from MB when I get there...

Still in Plan A, though busy with dying DIL, WH has continued to be thoughtful........ no complaints for now......

Of course, I have NOT forgotten I do NOT share in the longterm.......... applying situational flexibility here.......

Gotta to go hospital now....

And , yes, I did go saloon, had an invigorating head/shoulder massage & nice shade to cover white strands........ wish you could join me but............ you may not have white strands..... ha.... Was certainly good pampering........ to reward my superb stamina to continue Plan A

endofworldnomore

Dear endofworldnomore,
how are things going?
I'd love an update of your sitch.
Hope you're sticking to plan A and being just so apple pie nice and sweet.
Kate xxx

Hi ladies

I m fine. DIL passed on, been busy days before death, funeral & prayer sessions. MIL moved in.

Plan A is still on (just minus the dates due to bereavement, but it's alright with me, situational flexibility is needed here).......... All previous plans for negotiation have to take a backseat first............

Prior to DIL's death, WH & I have been enjoying Plan A. Both of us...... And we have fixed a date to sit down & discuss the marriage & decision for future. We were planning a date, away from the kids to discuss in a warm & pleasant setting.....

I will let matter rest for a while while WH is in bereavement but I WILL still push for it........ God somehow has decided that there is major life event like death & bereavement during Plan A.......... I have learnt to accept all that come my way & live a day at a time........ have unexplainable strength & calm..... I feel in control...... able to hold my breath & still exist......

My sight is still clearly set on that negotiation & a decision from WH. There shall only be 2 in a marriage in the long term, no 2 ways about it.......

Until that time comes, any updates I have may be mundane.

But Pep dear, I truly hope that you will still be there for me when I need to cross the next hurdle, whether it's to restore marriage or start Plan B.

BTW, how've you been Kate? Hope all fine? Really moved out?

endofworldnomore

bumping up

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

bump-y

This letter is so wonderful!!!

Hope I can use this letter one day! but My nightmare just start and I'm in the begining of plan A.

Is there a time frame? It's been 4 years and I still have missing pieces. He swears there is no more to tell. I don't believe him. Is it too late to ask for more?

Tatertot

*up*

*pop*

up

up

bump

to the top

WOW!

bump up

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

bump this up

Bumping

top

I know this post is old, but hopefully Tatertot is still around and will read the only reply to her thus far.

YES, I don't think it's ever too late to ask for more!

The reason I say this is that I wish my wife would have communicated to me the doubts she harbored about my past infidelity. I had a PA before we were married, and after we were married, I hit on other women including some close friends of hers. This was all purely sexual, I was just a monster of a husband looking to get off.

I then came to my senses when I couldn't bear the shame after one of her friends rejected my advances (good for her!) I returned back to Christ for His forgiveness and cleansing, then confessed everything to my wife, fully expecting her to divorce me, ready to accept the consequences. We had our first son then who was only 2 1/2, and I think now the main reason she stayed w/ me was b/c of our child.

This all happened 9 years ago, and I'm now here on MB b/c I recently discovered my wife had a long term A w/ some jacka** she met over the net. Her initial response when I confronted her was that "you cheated on me, so I wanted to do it too". She then said how she was still very hurt from my past A and behavior, but that she still to this day doesn't believe I did not have an A/PA after we were married. She said she will never believe that I truly confessed everything to her.

All this of course was news to me, as I had been under the false impression that we recovered from my infidelity. Now, I wish I wouldn't have been so naive and would have taken more seriously the signs of my wife's unhappiness.

I really wish she would have just TALKED to me about what I confessed to her, and let me know that she still had all these doubts. I was always more than willing to share every detail that she would have wanted, I became as transparent and open as possible.

Now, I'm learning that one of the reasons for her A is the resentment she harbored against me over all these years, withdrawing from the marriage, and never willing to work through my past infidelity. So Tatertot, don't let your doubts go unanswered! They will lead you to further doubts and resentment! I love Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty, and you should be honest with your H that you still do not believe him, and ask him to help you deal with it.

I'll save my story for some other post when I'm ready to spill my guts here.

Punk

come on over to the "big pool" on GQII and spill your guts!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> pep

bump

upsie

A bump for other readers.

JL

Pepperband,

The letter was utterly fantastic. That is so where I find myself. 9 months on from D-day, and my husband is full of remorse, but one of the things we argue most about is his inability to share the details with me. He thinks I'm wanting them to either (a) use them to attack him or (b) because I love being miserable. I don't think I even really knew myself exactly why I wanted the details until I read this.

So, I took this letter and made some mods and have just sent it to him at work. I hope you don't mind me using it, but sometimes it's really hard to find the words when you're so damned angry and upset. Your words pretty much summed it up for me.

Thanks again.

P.S. I've been lurking on this board for a bit, but this is my first post. We celebrate our 8th anniversary next week - have 2 boys - one 4, the other only 6 months old. The affair occurred while I was pregnant with our baby.

That is one awesome letter. I am actually debating on a little cut and paste, it is exactly how I feel and how I see our situation.

bump

When u can't get the other pieces of the puzzle which my H is so not willing to share, maybe the Serenity Prayer could apply?

God, grant me the courage to change the things i can...
the serenity to accept the things i cannot change...
and the wisdom to know the difference...

Often than not..we just have to leave it up all to God to keep our sanity intact...

Up for sanity's sake

hi Pep

helping you bump the thread

it may help save someone's sanity today

regards
denise

bump

Bump For LynnLee

I just sent this to my husband, hoping he can grasp my need for knowing every last detail - details he claims never even took place. Thanks for posting that.

And another Bump for another Pepperband Grand Slam!

Wow. I could read this over about five more times. Every time I have asked for details, I get the "I don't remember, it doesn't matter, it didn't mean anything anyway" response. You have so eloquently expressed "WHY" I need the details... how painful and frustrating it is, and why the answer of "it didn't mean anything" just isn't cutting it. I have pictures in my mind of the details I've been given, and everything I know of their time together makes it seem like a fairytale. He tells me it was meaningless, but has given me so little of how he saw it all, that I am completely and utterly messed up with the pieces of the puzzle I have been given. I dream EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that he is still lying to me. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I toss and turn feeling that there are things that I don't know, and things that are lies.

I don't know how my WH would respond to a copy of your post, but I'm thinking I'm giving it to him anyway.

THANK YOU!!

back up

bump