I want to call her and tell her that my husband admitted the affair. I want to tell her how discusting she is, and that I still love my husband. And many, many, other things.

I also want to call his boss whom he is staying with, who are suppose to be very religeous, and don't believe in divorce, and ask them how they can continue to let him stay there when they know this crap is going on?

I know I shouldn't, but I want to so bad.

I've been there.

I wanted to go to OW's work and confront her right there in front of everyone. Tell her what I thought about her and of course, she'd instantly be devestated by the guilt and shame of it all.

Didn't take too many people around here pointing out that OW's aren't really succeptible to guilt or shame. And she probably couldn't care less what I think of her .... she's accomplished her goal by making me think of her at all.

I do think you should call the boss -- does he know what's going on? Exposure is good. He probably wouldn't respond to a lecture, though, about why he would support your H's actions.


You're awfully nice, only wanting to call the OW. My fantasy is to spray-paint vulgarities on her vehicle, hang a banner on her office, burn it into her grass, take out a billboard, and a full-page ad in the paper ...

I wanted to do the same thing. My attorney advised against it.

Ami is right. Any attention you give to her, will accomplish what she's after, to get your goat. She's not worth it.

I would definitely inform boss though, since he's living there. Make it uncomfortable for him.

WH OW is 17 years younger than he is, living with WH, and still married. How disgusting is that?

They say what goes around comes around. I hope it's soon!

I also wanted to confront the OW. I did call her twice she lives 1000 miles away.

It did nothing but cause me to take a xanax.

The OW then called my WH and complained that I was bothering her.

Don't call just keep posting here.

Stay strong!

Blind

Mandy,

Don't do it! She will feel no guilt or shame and will just think that you are acting crazy and desperate and so will your WH. If you do end up getting D, this might also hurt you in court (depending on how angry you get on the call).

In my case, I called OW because I didn't think she knew my WH was married. I was right, but it didn't end the A. She pursued him until he went back to her. I hadn't yet found MB and I was so angry I'd kicked him out.

Do expose to whoever you have to in order to end the affair. The OW in my case is only 23 and her Internet background search showed she lived with her parents, so I called and told her mom. Didn't stop A, but now they have to sneak around from her family.

You may want to write her a nasty letter telling her everything you want her to know. Then hold on to it. This could really be used as evidence, so you don't want to mail it, just vent your feelings.

Also, just in case you and your H still have a chance, you don't want to say and do things you'll be ashamed of later.

I've done plenty of that. Fortunately, my H still wanted me back and I was able to decide for myself that it was too late.

AM

I have an idea ... we can trade. I'll come harrass your H's OW and you can come harrass mine.

We could synchronize it so we'd both have the alibi of being out of town when the nasty events occured to the poor little OW's.

"Wow, I don't know who would have put posters up all over town with her picture and home number on them. It obviously wasn't me, I was in Montana." (handing out fliers of someone else's OW...)

Sounds like a fun weekend to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

just an fyi, sometimes it can be beneficial to contact the OP. In my case, contacting the OW resulted in the end of the affair that very day because she learned, through me, that my H had lied to her about several things. She dumped him IMMEDIATELY!

Steve Harley has counseled members to meet with the OP also so that the OP could see the living, breathing face of the BS he was harming. WS so often demonize their spouses, that it can be a shock to see someone who is not satan incarnate.

Meeting the OP often creates great pressure and conflict in the affair that the OP doesn't count on. They expect everything to be troublefree so it is possible to scare them off by contacting them.

And then there are the OP's who simply don't know right from wrong and already know, but don't care, that the WS is married. They can be a waste of time, and can be even be hurtful when they spew putrid, morally relativistic nonsense at you.

So, I wouldn't rule it out. At worst, you might get an earful of crap, but something positive may also be the result, as it was in my case.

Hee,

What do you want to call her?

OK..I'm being serious now..[putting on game face]

You really have to look at your motivations here.

Usually I advise that people NOT make contact with the OP because it is SUCH a charged situation and far too many people walk into it like a lamb to the slaughter.

If there is something that you want or expect from the OP as a result..forget it.

Write it in a letter then burn the letter immediately so that there is no chance that vile OP will know just how vulnerable you are to them.

There is no name you can call them that will have the effect you desire..they have no shame..feel no remorse..feel nothing for you..you don't exist legitimately in their world..the only people granted human status are themselves and their [your] WS.

You will look pathetic or crazy or both and they will mock you both to your face, behind your back and even WITH your spouse.

It's a whole world of hurt that you choose to bring on yourself in an attempt to play out your own fantasy.

Now..on the other hand..as part of a plan..a meticulously planned and scripted plan..requiring MUCH discipline and self control..it CAN be a good idea for them to meet you and step slightly out of the fantasy element for them.

In a meeting such as this..your mission would be to be truthfull, attractive, gracious, and businesslike.

Frankly..I don't think you can do it.

I don't think *I* can do it..but you are just so close to the edge it wouldn't take much fogspeak, rationalizations, entitlement and dismissal to push you over..and that's exactly what you are going to get.

Any benefit this could have is in a BIG PICTURE sort of way..there would be no gratification in the present tense.

AmiWalsh, that seems like a fantastic idea to me!! LOL
Oh the possibilities!

noodle, I definalely don't have enough self control to do that right now. I have confronted her face to face and called her in the past, only to be lied to more and more. And I wasn't calm about it either time. She denied the affair and he denied the affair, said only "friends". Until yesterday my husband admitted it to me after all this time. He was not all truthful about it, said it has been only for 1 1/2 months, after he moved out. But I know its been going on for over a year now. He must think it's justified now that he has moved out. Doesn't want anybody to think the A was going while he was at home.

She knows he is married, and she don't care. I just wish I could somehow talk her out of it, but I know it's not going to happen.

I second this. Sure, my situation is a tad strange but the result was consistant with this theory. I sent the OM and e-mail, check out this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3026840

He called me a few days later and said that it struck a chord with him and he wanted to talk. Anyway, the point is, don't be confrontational, state the facts treat them with dignity and respect REGARDLESS of how you really feel. I can tell you I've spoken to the OM several times in the last few days and he's apologized for his actions and told the WW goodbye.

My goal in all of this was to establish NC and it seems that the clock is ticking so, we will see if he sticks to his word. One of the things he keeps mentioning is I am now a real person and not someone that the WW is complaining about. He sees me as a living breathing person with real feelings and desires just like him. He's also said that WW was caught up in a fantasy of a perfect life with him but he realizes that there is little chance of the perfect life with my WW.

Sorry for the run on post but I am in violent agreement here as long as you can stick to the point and not let your emotions rule the conversation. One thing to remember:

"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer"

I am planning on keeping this OM as close as I can......

Peace,

BS

[quote. One of the things he keeps mentioning is I am now a real person and not someone that the WW is complaining about. He sees me as a living breathing person with real feelings and desires just like him. [/quote]

barkingspud, this is exactly what Steve Harley said when he counseled one of our members to contact the OM. It gives the OP an opportunity to see you as real person. Sounds like it may work in your case, hopefully!

Hi Melody, That is what I'm hoping but my contact with OM has a bizarre twist since I gave the OM a little financial assistance to stay in CA, 2000 miles away from the WW. Not the MB way but if it works, I really don't care as long as it does.

The key to contacting the OP is sticking to the facts, treat them with dignity and respect and be direct. He didn't demand the money but said that he couldn't stay in CA unless he had some "help" as he was broke. I figured a 5k "investment" in this endeavor (Goal of establishing NC) was well worth it since my marriage had no chance without it. The way I figure it, there is a 50/50 chance that things will work out, if I didn't try, there would be no chance.....

Peace,

BS

I spoke to the OW once, with my H on the line. He called her, his decision, to tell her the affair was over and that I knew everything. She was shocked to learn that he and I had never stopped having sex, that he really had no intention of leaving the marriage and that he really loved me.

I think this really helped the OW move on and heal. The affair is in a bubble, MM often bad mouth their wives (how else are they going to get into someone elses panties) and distort what reality is. Lets face it, sometimes a marriage gets stale and we need to awaken the passion that was there when you married. If the passion was there, it still is.

Dr Harley teaches us how important those needs are. The reality of living life together and having the reality of everyday problems takes it's toll on marriage. A's are an escape, the reason they are not "real" is because the affair is kept protected from real life. It is like going on vacation to a tropical island without connection to the outside world-nice, but you cannot stay there forever.

A reality check is OK for the OP, nicely, with dignity. There is no need to be mean or angry. The OP will be hurting enough once they know that they were just a temporary band aid for an otherwise good marriage. Sometimes it is OK to call, but don't be a stalker.

The proof is in living well. Here we are, recovered, 6 years and happy as ever. I have forgiven my H. I do not make his life ******, as some OW believe happens after an affair. It is actually the complete opposite. We awakened what was missing and made changes. My goal is to make my H's life great. He has been wonderful to me since the end of the affair.

I like to pop in from time to time just to let you know that you can have a wonderful marriage after the affair. I also cannot thank Dr Harley for putting our marriage back on the right path.

Again, the best revenge is living well.

Whoah, barkingspud, did you write up a contract for your "investment"? Something like if he ever has any contact with her again, you'll take him to court to regain the full 5K?

Sorry for the TJ, that just intrigued me. Could be a hoot on Judge Judy if NC was ever broken! HECK of a contract!

Contract?? There is NO legal way to enforce one. I am taking a risk no different than investing in the stock market. There is a 50/50 chance it will work. It's not so much him that I'm concerned as it's the WW that is clearly addicted.

I was talking to the OM yesterday and it almost sounded like he really had an ephiphany. He said that he understood that she was living in a fantasy world the they created and the reality of their relationship was a dead end. We also discussed the fact that she made a choice to have the affair so, it wasn't just him. Only time will tell....

We have a case status conference in front of the judge (for the D) in mid October so, I believe that will be the break point to see where things will go from there.

Peace,

BS

Hi Mandy,

I don't post too much on other threads, just one in particular that I’ve made good friends with on MB, but I'll give you a bit of my story and you can do what you think is right - for you.

My husband had an affair with his secretary. I knew her - she was a mousy, ugly, wrinkly, smoking, drinking woman - quite the opposite of me. My husband felt sorry for her - so they started talking and an affair began. I found out thru many facts I collected - confronted him and told him either he stops or we are thru. He ended the affair the following day. But, he refused to leave his job - claimed he will have a limited contact with her - business only. I had no choice – either this was the way or no way. There were a lot of reasons we couldn’t do anything about her – which is too long to go into.

I had to find out the truth - the exact answers I needed to find out. I asked her in a nice way - how could you do this - how long did this go on - are you in love with him and some other questions. At first, I really think she was honest with her answers and they did match my husband's answers. So at least I knew my husband had told me the truth about what went on and how long. Now, mind you I came in unannounced so they no time to rehearse their answers. He said in front of her, that he loved me and had no intentions of leaving me.

Then, all of a sudden things turned – she said she had her sights on him from the day she started working for him - she told me leave my husband - he didn't love me - she started getting nasty. My husband said that’s not true. I saw red - I told her to stay the heck away from my husband you wrinkly, ugly big nosed bit--, and if I ever catch you doing anything other than business with my husband - I'll kick your butt. I'm not usually a violent person, but when she had a nerve to get nasty with me I lost my temper.

My husband continued to work with the OW for 10 more months, much to my disliking. He refused to leave – his job was everything. The further he distanced himself from her - the madder she got.

Now my husband loves his new job and can't understand how the OW could have done such a thing - she was supposedly in love with him. The day he left his job, is the day our recovery really started. I am a strong believer of NC. As for me, I never regretted confronting her. I got to find out answers to what I needed to know and I got to tell her what a lousy person she was. I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't do this. I never intended it to get nasty - but I guess you have to realize who you’re dealing with - the OW is nasty to begin with.

So, think about what you're going to do - what repercussions it will involve. Be ready to have the OW get nasty. Is it worth it to you? You may not get any questions answered; you may not solve a thing.

I've been wanting to call OW for awhile now. I actually dialed her ph # when I discovered that her number on WH's cell phone. When OW picked up, I got nervous and hung up. I should have given her a piece of my mind but I was in too much shock. This was when the A became real.

WH and OW work together. Yuck. I've been very tempted to get him fired because I know how much time they spend together at work and outside of the office.

OW has known that WH was married this whole time. What is so sad is that she pursued a married man. She has no morals and values. She is also 8 years younger than WH. This is why WH won't tell me how old she is. She had been calling him for months now and WH finally gave in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking about calling her except that she seems to be the type of person that would bask in the attention. She's such a nutcase. She'd probably enjoy the drama. I know OW would tell WH immediately if it did happen. Women like this need medical attention. Seriously.

Last Saturday, I actually caught WH and OW at a concert sitting a few rows away from us. I climbed over the seats to confront WH. I even extended my hand out to introduce myself to OW. I was pissed. WH blocked me. Hopefully, OW saw my wedding ring. It's moments like that where I wish I just punched OW instead. Being nice and civil isn't going to get me anywhere. OW has taken my WH away and I want him back. Had I grabbed OW, I would have probably been thrown in jail. But, it would sure be worth it.

I'd love to do ForgiveandLove did, however, based on Saturday night's confrontation, it seemed like WH was protecting OW. I don't think he'd even let me in his office, let alone bring OW into it. Now, that would really tick me off. Where's his loyalty? I'm still his wife, darn it!

Just typing this is enraging me. I would love to go to his office and call a meeting with his boss, WH and OW. That would be awesome.

I've gone through that feeling many times. Between D-day 1 and D-Day 2, I tried to call her both at work and on her cell, I think she only answered once and I was tongue tied and hung up.

She also called me on my cell soo many times, day and night, without speaking, that I had to change me cell phone number. My kids would even answer the phone and yell to stop calling. To this day my WH doesn't believe that it was the OW. I said no one else had a reason to harass me, except you, and there were many times he was with me when it happened so I knew it wasn't him.

I guess the key is what kind of OP are you dealing with, hard to know and what do you want to gain from it? If it is to vent, there are other ways more productive than this way as it will most certainly cause you pain. Are you trying to make the OP feel badly or set them "straight" as to the facts? Not likely going to happen with their moral code, they are also in the fog and use rationalizations to justify their behavior.

I understand the need, or the urge to, but please think about it carefully. If the need/urge doesn't go away, then perhaps you should, just for your own piece of mind.

Ladies,

A bit of advice - I've been thru what you are going thru. I think everyone would like to find out the truth and give the OW a piece of their mind. All these OW have nothing to lose - they don't care about you or your marriage. So they do what they please, hurt who ever they please. So, depending on the OW, you contacting them might open up a new issue. You have to be careful if you are going to do this. Like I told you ladies before - I had to do this - I had to tell her how I felt. She was very surprised that I had enough nerve to confront her – how could I do this. I really liked the look on her face when I did - she turned white - thought her butt was in trouble - big time!

You may never get a true or straight answer from them - you may be angrier then before you contacted the OW. And yes, you may be thrown in jail if you get physical. OW are very vengeful!!!! They will stop at nothing.

Ready2Wait.......Most WH do protect the OW.....they don't want them to get hurt - they don't want anyone to get hurt - but they don't realize how they are hurting you. So far as the two of them working together - that will come to an end sooner or later - you probably won't have to do anything.

Companies don't like this type of stuff going on - they will eventually do something about the situation. All WS thinks no one knows and their affair is secret - they are so dumb - everyone knows. Your husband doesn't want you to go into the office because he doesn't want to be embarrassed, cause a scene. To be honest with you, I wouldn't care - I'd let people know in the office. You don't have to go in ranting and raving, but you can certainly let people know what’s going on. Remember you have nothing to be embarrassed about - you didn't do anything.

NabOhio.....if the OW was bothering/calling me.....I'd call the cops and press harassment charges against her - keep track of the caller ID numbers. I'd never let any OW get to me, let her harass me or my family. You have to fight fire with fire!

I totally agree with forgiveandlove.

My WH's employment contract specifically enforces termination with interoffice relationships. WH pointed that out to me when he first started working there 2 years ago! Just last year, two co-workers were terminated for having As. Now, look at him! It's pathetic.

I have a strong feeling that WH's work knows but they are keeping this A a secret. WH works with immoral people. It's a tragic thing considering he was known as the Christian husband. His work sucked him in and changed him for the worse. So sad.

I feel like I don't have a choice but to tell his boss. Unfortunately, his boss thinks WH is perfect. WH is trying to survive without getting fired but he needs to feel the consequences of his actions! Sleeping with the slutty co-worker is unacceptable. I'm still his wife, darn it!