LBelle,

I've learned that most of us (BSes) are good natured.

The bad natured ones are already in prison.

(evil giggle)

- Kimmy

Ok.....another comment......LOL. I dont get upset and go off anymore. Whats the point. I think I yelled and screamed at my EX enough for the rest of my lifetime.

Dealan-de......I think you finally got my point.

"Not Caring" and/or being careful NOT to get the OW pregnant is just as bad as the "OW getting pregnant on purpose".

If someone has a loaded gun pointed at someone, and it accidentally goes off and kills them (you not being extremely careful).......you didnt intend to kill them, but guess what.....you did.


AHHHHHHHHHH......whatever. LOL, have a good one. *smiling*

Oh.

Well then.

Der.

(on my part)

Really tho...GOD FORBID...and I mean strike me down...if I EVER insinuate that what he did wasn't as bad as what she did. Cos he was a rat's hinder....

She just still is....

That's the difference now. NOW.

Alrighty, then!! Way to go..........cut right to the core of what most of the posts have said in many ways!!

He "was" and OW still "is" a rat's hinder. That's why hard feelings may still exist toward the various OW's, while those feelings change about H's. Because H's have changed.

And who gives "a rat's hinder" about a rat's hinder, anyway?

Post deleted by StartinOver

SO - the difference between WH and OW in responsibility is she holds the trump card - she has all the choices after the deed - adopt, abort, keep... of course she's going to keep because she gets to keep her connection to her MM for 18 years financially at least... that ought to get his attention... right?

MM has NO choices in the matter AFTER - that's why we say she got preg on purpose!

SO~

I've got a couple Advil if you need some for that headache you must surely have from that brick wall yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think I get what you're saying.

I sure the heck didn't ~WANT~ to get P by my OM. And I sure the heck didn't ~WANT~ to get P at the age of 40. BUT you know what? What I ~WANTED~ is a moot point because *I* was stupid enough to NOT do anything to prevent it. I made bad decision after bad decision, beginning with the first and fatal one... having an A in the first place.

Trust me, my H and I wouldn't sleep any better at night if we could somehow convince ourselves that OM purposely set out to get me P... because that still doesn't take away ~MY~ personal responsibility.

When I had sex with OM... I may as well have announced to the world, "I give my consent to a pregnancy". That's the chance I took when I recklessly decided to "play". I don't care if OM had said he was sterile and a P was an impossibility. It doesn't remove my part in getting P. OM's intent wouldn't mean a hill of beans if I did my part... NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!!

Bottom line... a woman, (and in some, though probably rare cases-- a man), can plot, scheme, lie, twist arms, etc, etc to purposely cause a P till the cows come home, but if the man refrains from having sex with her, her intent doesn't matter because...

There will be no P.

Anybody-- man or woman-- can cry foul after the fact, saying, "but that's not what I wanted", or "that's not what I intended", but guess what folks?...

There was ONE THING that was ~INTENDED~, and that was the AFFAIR. Once each A partner made the conscious decision to have an A in the first place, they virtually decided to play with that "loaded gun". When you play-- you pay, and all that.

All sorts of things can and do happen when we choose to have an A. Not the least of which is STDs... and who ~wants~ that? Who PURPOSELY sets out to get an STD? Yet it happens all the time, no matter how much we don't ~want~ or intend on an STD.

How about some PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY? If a person doesn't want something, then that person NEEDS TO DO WHAT IT TAKES on their end to make sure it DOESN'T happen.

FTR-- I do believe there are women who purposely set out to get P, trap a man, etc, etc. It happens everyday. I'm only trying to stress the fact her scheming has no chance of ever coming to fruition if the man stays at home.

OMG!!!!! You do get what I was trying to say....(and very badly getting across). You cant say one got preg. on purpose if you BOTH are not using any protection, and the man is ejaculating into the woman....PERIOD.

Bravo on an awesome, awesome....well read thought.

>I'm only trying to stress the fact her scheming has no chance of ever coming to fruition if the man stays at home.

Why don't we have a smiley that's clapping???

I don't think anyone has ever disagreed with this idea. That's a given and posts were written earlier on in this thread, as well. Thanks for the reminder.

The main issue for me with SO's posts......there were a couple. But he would never concede that there are OW who want to get pregnant and use it as leverage to keep MM and break up the marriage.

The people are already having sex, so the idea of MM should have stayed home is already past. The relationship evolves and some women who feel it slipping away, do use pregnancy as a way of keeping the man close. Easy. Been done since the beginning of time.

But SO has not stated this was even a possiblity or in any woman's mind. I know it is true. OW have stated that outright. He never did say why he felt so strongly to make his point here, not having personal involvement with it.

Thanks, AD for your insight to the other side.

I never said it wasnt true that the OW may have not gotten pregnant on purpose, I said the WH can also get the OW preg on purpose also, by not protecting himself. Also, who is to say the WH even cared if the OW got pregnant, maybe to trap her to an extent.....so she would have to stay in contact with him. It is possible. I know of a couple of guys right in my city (not real close friends or anything, but aquaintances).......and these guys have 3-5 kids by different women. So you are saying all of these women got pregnant on purpose?????......and these two guys were married at the time these kids came along. WHs can lie just as much as the women about NOT wanting the OW to become pregnant. Just because they said they never wanted it to happen means nothing. Are you sure you can believe them also?

"I know of a couple of guys right in my city (not real close friends or anything, but aquaintances).......and these guys have 3-5 kids by different women. So you are saying all of these women got pregnant on purpose?????"


This is an insulting response to the posts written. All??? That is plainly stupid.

I am done. I don't care what you think. My point has been more to prevent this thinking in BWs who are new to this painful crisis and are reading anonymously. I wouldn't want them to get your distorted ideas involved with their pain. Reasonable posts have been written to you and you return with absolutes and extreme examples to make your point. It has not been made.


You don't get it and don't care to get it. You are righteously correct, in your opinion, about something you really know nothing about.

The topic has veered off into an area that is not productive.

How am I being insulting because I think BOTH parties are equally responsible for the OC. Thats not an insult.....both parties are adults and are fully aware of what can happen with unprotected sex.....I learned that in HS.

I guess you didnt bother to read Autumn Days post.....it made WAY more sense than any of the other responses Ive seen in this thread.

She also didnt run off whining because others disagreed with her.

You know what, Im with ya.....Im done on this one too.

You don't even READ what the response is.

The insulting response is quoted,,,,not about your opinion. No one has EVER disagreed with the idea that both parties are responsible. Duh! You bring your response back to something that is OLD and simplistic, that wasn't what was being discussed.

You didn't reconcile with your wife, you divorced. You don't have an OC involved on any side, that you are willing to state. Why should your opinion have any validity at all, that you should make such a fuss about it. Why are you here? To help and support people in pain? Or impose views you have no personal experience with?

I don't care if you disagree. You can't see any side but your own, even if you don't agree. We have all agreed about WH's. That was never a question.


** Not running away......skipping freely!**

You are right, Im not it this kind of sitch.....I apologize.

God Bless yall.

I'm a newbie, but am loving this site. It has been so helpful to me to see that I'm not alone, and can seek advice/support from people who have been through what I'm going through. My H has been having affair for about 1 yr. The OW pursued him until he gave in. WEAK!!! This isn't the first, and I just thought it would go away like the other, so ignored it. BIG MISTAKE on my part. Nonetheless, I can't change the past, but can focus on the future. I confronted him/her just over a month ago. She is pregnant, and he is still involved with her. I am doing what I guess we'd call Plan A. He is struggling with ending the affair and staying in our marriage, or leaving us (we have 3 children) to be with her. She is using the baby to play on his emotions. This is the only thing they seem to have in common besides the affair. I totally believe in my heart that she got pregnant on purpose to force him to leave us. She said she didn't and he believes her (to some extent). I have told him that I will not keep him out of his child's life, after all it is not the fault of this innocent child that his parents were completely irresponsible. I will be there to help him raise this child and accept him (OC) into our family. I don't want to keep this a secret from our other children that they have a sibling. Enough lies/deceipt already. We haven't told the kids anything yet, until there is a decision made about what H intends to do. I will move to plan B if after 6 months (the baby will be here by then) H still has not made a decision. (I hope I'm getting the plans right, but I think you understand.) I will remove H from my life if he can't make a decision.

My question/my struggle is this .... I know that his relationship will die with OW if he moves in with her. They don't get along all that well, and have only the baby in common. Should I wait it out, or tell him to leave now...and wait for him to return (because I know he will.) I have read what seems like 1000 articles, but not too many out there deal with a child as a result of the affair.

Thanks for listening....and I hope someone will respond.

Hi mcp39!

I am so sorry you have to be here! But there are lots of people with experience and you will have a safe place to discuss your issues.

I am going to start a new thread for you. Your post might get buried in this one and not get the attention it needs.

Take care. We all understand what you are going through.

Unless the OW comes right out and admits she got pregnant on purpose I guess we really don't know for sure if the pregnancy was intentional or not. Certainly married couples have had failed birth control, "accidents", and unplanned pregnancies. Sex can be a powerful, in the moment, totally absorbing experience. That's very much the dynamics involved in affairs. Birth control of any kind isn't 100% effective. (Abstinence not included.)

Since many affair partners say they didn't plan on having an affair, they may not be prepared with birth control....regardless of whether they shouldn't have been having sex in the first place, much less having unprotected sex. I think there's also the factor that if one plans ahead for birth control, it's an admission of one's intent to be sexually involved with their affair partner. It's easier in some ways to say "Oops! We never meant it to go that far.", than accept accountability for one's choices.

I'd be interested in seeing statistics of claims of "failed birth control" resulting in a pregnancy, among affair partners vs. married couples.

Unprotected sex= getting pregnant on purpose.

The only way to not get pregnant "on purpose" is to use two or three reliable forms of birth control at one time.

If this is not being used, there is NO EXCUSE, for them getting pregnant. PASSION is NOT an excuse for failing to use birth control.

Abstinence is the ONLY way to guarantee not getting pregnant.

BC reduces the likelihood but does not always prevent pregnancy.