I just read a statistic that says 75% of those who divorce remarry within 5 years.

It seems that 75% is a bit high, or maybe it's just from my perspective because it's been over 2 years since my divorce and I don't see much hope of finding someone in the next 3 years (or even 10 years). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Other than online dating, socializing and joining groups, I am at a loss for meeting a great guy.

Guess I'm just feeling down today because I ended another dating relationship (for good reason). ...sigh...

It would be interesting to know how many of those were 'rebounds.'

And even though you are feeling down, I respect you for doing the right thing. The statistics for second marriages are lower than firsts....and yet you are making sure you find the 'right' person. Not many people do that now-a-days.

Kudos to you....

I don't know about that stat but when I had to go to my "families in transition" class,mandatory for a D, the stats they gave us were that 75-80% of second marriages end in D.One reason they cited was that couples remarry too quickly and have not truly recovered from the first marriage ending.Also childrens issues arise and financial difficulties.

I think one reason for the continued high D rate is that we are not fully prepared or educated in what exactly marriage means.It's all pomp and circumstance and it's largely about "the big day".Which is fun and exciting but it's what happens after all that and how you cope that is really important.

It's hard on everyone involved to develop a great relationship.You're not alone.

I better get moving. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> August will be the 3rd anniversary of the D, so I have like 2 years to meet someone to marry.
I really need to actually connect with someone for that to happen.

I'm also guessing that the stat includes alot of rebounds.
I don't want a rebound. I've made my mistake (let's hope it is only one). I'm readying myself for the "real thing".

I don't think you'll find that in the research. No one is going to label their marriage as a rebound unless they are already on the outs.

I do wonder, however, how many of the remarriages were PAs or EAs while married the first time.


Mrs. W8ing

Well, count me in on the 25% portion of the population! I'm on 2 1/2 years post-divorce, and re-marriage anytime soon is pretty much the farthest thing from my mind!

All good points -- I would rather be in a great relationship that starts 10 years from now than a bad one or a rebound that starts within 5 years from D.

This next part is a bit of a vent. I'm normally a very positive person, but I need to vent and I feel like this is the only place where someone may understand how I feel. Please go easy on the 2x4s -- thanks....

I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may not meet the right person and/or have a family. Yes, I will find a way to be happy either way, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I want a lifelong partner and children, and the lack of those things diminishes my overall happiness.

I'll also admit that I'm bothered by the fact that my exWH is out looking for a new wife to have children with. He just told me about 2 weeks ago that he still loves me, blah, blah, but that he thinks if we get back together I will eventually have a revenge A or just take our (future) children and leave him. (By the way, I never LB'd him about the A. I was a lighthouse per Ark's advice. So that's his guilt talking. Also, I'm not saying that I could go back after all that's happened, especially recently.) Apparently it's easier on exWH and his guilty conscience to start over with someone who doesn't know what he did and how cruel he was to his 1st wife than to "man up" and fix his mistakes. So, wife #2 will live in the house I helped fix up & decorate, have his children, and have the memories that we planned to have as a family. To me, that's like hearing that the guy who beat and violated you is going to marry, have kids, live in your home, and enjoy your life while you are struggling to rebuild your life and heal yourself from the damage he caused. Sorry if that's graphic, but it feels that wrong and unfair to me when I'm not the WS. All I can tell myself is that the world is unfair.

ok -- done with rant and pity party and rage against the unfairness of it all

I'm focusing on making my life as happy as possible and on increasing my social contacts. I'm also spending some time trying to meet someone, but I don't make that the primary focus of my free time. (Maybe that's why I'm behind the 5 year timeline. Although I did wait over a year after the D to even bother dating.)

Just a last note --- I'm thinking of trying eharmony, but the cost seems high. Also, a married male friend of mine signed me up for some website called greatgirlfriends.com. There's a corresponding one called greatboyfreinds. The idea behind the site is that it only lists people who have been "signed up" or recommended by someone else, so in effect, that person is vouching for you. It seems like a decent idea -- almost like a "set up your friend/sister/cousin/whomever" exchange pool. It's worth a try I think.

Well, meet me, who has said about a bazillion times that my second marriage (we just celebrated our 5th anniversary) was a REBOUND.

I do NOT recommend it for anyone. It was a dumb thing to do.

I could give a dozen reasons why it's dumb, but the biggest reason is this: I didn't have time to grieve the end of the first marriage (20 year marriage)... H didn't have time to grieve the end of his 13 year marriage... he and I had to grieve our losses together... not good. Grieving the loss of a marriage is something best done ALONE. Being with someone so soon only PROLONGED the grieving process. I just can't say enough that we should have spent a year or two ALONE and HEALING ourSELVES.

But, what's done is done... and we've hung in there, through some really horrendous circumstances (including losing everything we've owned; home included). And yes, some of that is the direct result of having gotten together so soon and jumping into a marriage before *thinking everything through*.

Oh, there are many other (unhealthy) reasons people remarry quickly:

- They have an unrealistic concept of love, like love at first sight
- Rebellion, like getting even with an ex spouse
- Loneliness
- Obligation, like having a father or a mother for their children, or having pity for another divorced or widowed person
- Financial advancement
- Sexual attraction
- Escape
- Pressure

Sigh. Some of my friends constantly ask if I am already seeing someone... like divorcees have better and more sex. With whom, I wonder. I've only been divorced for a few months. I'm still having issues.

I think it's really hard for some people to realize that a romantic love life is not essential to a happy life. Therefore, they want us to date. I am dating someone, and I don't think it's a rebound. In fact, I'm rather annoyed he showed up NOW in my life. He wasn't to appear for another 2 years. LOL.

My ma waited about 5 years to date. Then, she found her H within two years. She got married around 53. They've been happily married for 10 years now.

Well GG, if you hurry, the girls could still be flower girls, instead of jr. bridesmaids.

I think my girls have given up the thought of being flowergirls. They expect X to marry GF, but no talk of a wedding.

Um. I can't. The thought of wedding bands and banns and walking down the aisle makes me queasy.

I second that one, Greengables! When, in a quiet moment alone in this house my mind wanders to the remote possibility of remarriage, funny, my skin starts to itch! I'm starting to think that my old age will be spent with my 87 cats, in a nightgown 24/7 and a never-ending supply of Oreo cookies! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Greengables~

Stories like these makes me smile and gives me hope!! Thank you.

I have too much on my to-do list before I get remarried <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oreos are good.

My EX-husband was an abusive alcoholic. We were married 5 years. The first 2 years were great, little drinking, not abusive. The last 3 years were awful. I had divorced him emotionally long before the divorce was final. We tried MC. The counselor said he saw nothing wrong with his behavior or drinking, was not going to change at that time, and thought I should cut my losses b4 kids were involved. I left him, but he refused to pay for a divorce, so I started the "do it yourself" divorce. Not fun.

Fast forward 6 months... I had done the Al-Anon thing, counselor says I am fine, move on with your life. I try online dating, divorce not final, since I am doing the paperwork myself. I meet my wonderful husband through online dating. He happens to be a lawyer. He advises against DIY divorce (seen judges deny them b/c plaintiff looked insane questioning themselves!), has friend who will do it for free ASAP. YAY! We dated for 11 months before marrying (actually was almost 9 months from divorce being final). We have been married for almost 4 years. We have a almost 4 year old daughter (adopted 1 year ago). We are very happy and are best friends.

I feel like I had to go through all the crap with my ex-husband to get to my husband. My best friend says it's karma... I don't know what it is, but sometimes people marry for the wrong reason or too young in their first marriage and actually get it right the second go round. I am lucky to have a husband who is willing to work on things and knows he isn't perfect.

Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you'll be unsuccessful at a future marriage. The fact that you are here reading the boards means you will work at a good marriage and that is the most important thing. A good marriage takes work... more people need to realize that b4 the divorce rate goes down.

[color:"blue"]The thought of wedding bands and bands and walking down the aisle makes me queasy. [/color]

LOL!

GG and Wiftty get queasy when thinking about w-w-w-w-w-weddings in which they are one of the focal points?

Oreos are good!

Cats are good!

Interesting things I have learned here.

Well, I am one of those people going against the stats quoted in the title. It's been 11 yrs this month since x moved out. It took about 3.5 yrs for us to get divorced. And, still, I am in no imminent danger of getting m-m-m-m-married.

Heavens, who would be the lucky man?

(Princess looks left. Princess looks right. There is the Diplomat but I can't figure out how that would work - after all, where would we live? His kingdom? My kingdom? Wander back and forth like high-faluting gypsies?)

• Separation 12/15/00
• Divorce final 09/12/01
• Married 1/4/06

Probably close enough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

oreos ARE good. I like zebracakes though.

I am 2 years post divorce and already heartbroken for the first time truly since the big D.

Bleech.

I will be found one day an old maid in a nightgown half eaten by dogs (a la bridget jones' old maid fantasy), clutching in my cold dead hands a box of zebracakes!

as of today? I feel like I'll never love again...unless you count my ds, friends and family.

This sux!