Soooooooooo?????

What's going on? We're here for you.......

Thinking of you

Hey DW! [everytime I type that, I think of "Arthur", sorry]

First things first,
Fill us in on you and bf. Everything still going great??
I hope so. I do think of you often.

So........
I have never started the thread because I feel I've exhausted my friends here concerning xbf.

I don't even know where to begin.
As you know, he married his HS sweetheart after our break up. He dated her [long distance] for 5/6 mos, and then they married. They were married 3 weeks [yes, "3" weeks] and he realized he made a mistake. She moved back to her home state and divorce proceedings started.

He contacted me in December. He was an emotional mess at that time. He wanted to meet with me and talk. I went back and forth with that. Thank God I was strong at that point, and I was able to be logical. In the end, I decided I was the wrong person for him to be talking to at that time due to our history. Communication ended.

Come Spring time, around Easter, he stops me while I'm walking. He at that time asks if I can see us dating. This is shortly after I dated Mr 5 weeks, and thought I'd come full circle, and thought he was the reason for all that had happened in my life. Only to find out, he was still in Love with his xgf, and he returned to her. {which, I commend him for, for coming and telling me and not dragging me along}
At that time, I said, No, I thought he and I needed to continue our own ways. There had been much damage, and I didn't know if we could fix it. Not to mention, I was wrecked over Mr 5 weeks. I couldn't think of it. Once again, communication ended.

Now, flash forward to June. Again, he stops me while I'm out walking, wants me to go out for a drink and talk.
After much hesitation, because he is in the middle of divorce [which is taking a full year to accomplish after a 3 week marriage]I agree that as friends it should be fine.
We have/had spent some time together. We totally "get" each other. Always have shared the same humor and know what the other one is thinking or about to say. That was ALL still there.
[I will say, I was saying we need to wait, but at the same time, enjoying is company and spending some time with him. Very possible for mixed signals]
He [I KNOW] asked me about dating him again. I said, I would like to give it a try AFTER his divorce is final. I want to start with a clean slate. Thought we could be friends during this time period while waiting for the finalization.
He, on the other hand thinks the divorce is trivial, and sees/saw no need to wait. And also told me he will not wait to date until the finalization. I told him, I understood, but due to our history, I felt for myself/us, I/we needed to wait this time. No need for history to repeat.
We had spent some nice time together, as friends. I needed to go to SC to get my girls at my moms, would be gone for a few days.
[let me back up a minute and say, our agreement was, we would be friends with the option of dating others during this time] I come back, he called me late the evening I returned. He had been out with a guy friend. This friend in particular probably doesn't care for me too much because of my wishy washy ways during our dating period.
[In my own defense, I was always honest with C telling him where I was and what I needed. He all the time hoping my feelings of need would change if he continued on.]
I find, that I do still have strong feelings for him, but have a huge fear of failure when it comes to he and I, and have told him so. When I had told him I would like to try again, I also voiced my concern that I didn't know the end result.

Where I was headed with my thread was....can a relationship be restarted after it was torn to shreads?
I don't know.
It seems to me, that whatever the issues were before, would come back twice as fast the next time around.

So, I txt him the following day, after he called me late the eve before. He was short in his response, to where I knew he was "busy". Okay, so he most likey has a date. I let it go, although feeling brushed off, and it drove me crazy. Next day, I txt him earlier in the day, and we end up talking, and it's apparent he has made plans for the day.
That's when I realize, oh boy, I do have feelings, and this doesn't feel too good. I tell him at that point, that I'm not able to do this friend thing while he dates, and I that can't follow thru as planned until his Divorce is final. I still feel the need to wait to pursue a relationship with him, but I can't sit back and know he's actively dating.
The conversation for the most part was fine, with a couple of ouch's.
I emailed him 4 days later, saying I was sorry for any hurtful words, and didn't want hard feelings if we were to run into each other.
He responded saying the same. Went on to say.....
He apologized if I thought he wanted a relationship with me, he did not. That he doesn't want a relationship with anyone at this time and doesn't want to be responsible for anyone else's feelings, etc....
To that, I felt like I lost my mind. I know I did not imagine his pursuit or him asking me about dating again.

I know him, and know him well. The only other time he was ever so brush off was with this woman he married. That tells me there's already someone else.

I made the rule of waiting, so I don't fault him.
But come on, is it so easy to replace someone. He had told me the weekend before, he was still in Love with me. Geez!

I hate to even post concerning him. It feels so high school and yet here I am at 43 going thru this stuff, not to mention beating the dead horse.
I've tried to be completely honest with myself and him.
I'm not convinced we can make a go of it again. While there are huge feelings there, and he will have a piece of my heart forever, the other part of me thinks, the damage from our previous relatioship is irreversible.

So, there you have it.
On a positive note.....
I have found that I'm bouncing back a "little" faster.
Got an update on Mr 5 weeks today too, and he is still with gf, so there goes the 4 mos therory! I take comfort though in the fact that hopefully he is happy and things are going well for him.


Thanks for thinking of me.
K!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Me too!

PLEASE don't ever feel that way....you are always such a great help to others, always offering kind words and thoughts. You deserve it too...

Ok, as for your current sitch, my first reaction to the whole thing is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> From what you described, I would be confused too.

Based on that statement alone, it leads me to believe xbf has not
grown one bit. His pattern is to jump from relationship to relationship, and since you didn't give him the go ahead from the start, well by God, he's gonna find someone else, and find someone quick in order to not be alone. I see no personal growth here Karona. I don't doubt he loves you, but does he love himself yet?

Can a relationship that's been torn to shreds be repaired? Can you go back? I dunno K......I believe that one would have a shot if there has been alot of soul-searching and alot of personal growth. I see that in you but not xbf.

Didn't he do this before??

Yup.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I wish I could say differently, but I still don't have a good feeling about him and fear that if you continue, more hurt lies ahead. He just sounds too wishy washy.

((((hugs))))

As for bf and I, we are doing great I'm happy to report <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He took me back home to meet the rest of the family a few weekends ago and we had SUCH a wonderful time. I felt right at home.

Just last night he told me how much he loved and appreciated me, just what a good person he thinks I am and thanked me for giving him a 2nd shot. Man made me blush <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So I have to say, I've made alot of progress in the trust dept as his actions do match his words and I'm losing that skittish feeling.....

All the kids are doing great, for the most part (his 8 yr old son still struggles from time to time w/ his parents divorce, but bf really handled the latest bump VERY well.)

Thanks for asking!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your thoughts DW and kind words.

Honestly, I do know that this is so minor compared to other things going on my life right now.
Life does have a way of putting things in perspective!

To continue on with the sitch.....
I do know that I have been responsible for hurt in the past. I know that, I own that.
I even had asked him, why would you even consider coming back to me because of the past. Huge Q in my mind.
He supposedly thinks I'm this great person, etc. right down to the towels I hang in my bathroom! The "things" he loves about me. Go figure??
Now, I know/feel I am a good person, but in our relationship, there was fault, and much of it my own.

I think you're right though. I don't think he has grown within himself. He hasn't given himself time.
So, why is it I keep feeling like I've lost? Haven't figured that one out yet.

And thank you for saying that you see growth in me. That really means a lot to me because I have been on a journey.
I want to heal, I want to have an awesome relationship, I want to be the best version of myself that I can be and share that.

Your memory serves you correctly! Yes, he did this exact same thing a little over a year ago.
As wrong as I was in our relationship [for not being healed/ready] at least it was always a war within myself and not that there was another person. For some crazy reason, that gives me comfort.

I appreciate your honesty.

I'm so happy for you and your bf. I truly believe that he regrets his choice. I'm sorry for the pain he put you thru, but I still believe he had honorable intentions. And I know you do too.
I think it's safe to let those walls fall!

Glad to hear the kids are all doing well too! His little guy may struggle for some time, but, your guy can rest well at night knowing he went back and tried. His option now is to support his son, and give him the love he deserves. I have a feeling, he does just that!

Thanks again DW. I appreciate your time and the sharing of your thoughts.

K!