Was JB not "genuinly" seeking help with her M?

Same rule. Hit "Ignore"

I guess that when you're deep into the fog.. you can't even tell that you're not "genuinly" seeking help.
It's a hard call to know if it's a good idea to reach out to such a person, or to let them "stew in their own fat" a little longer (Flemish idiom) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Low....thanks for putting this out there...

It is the self righteousness of many on here that troubles me. Who in the name of god do some of you think you are....if you don't want to help someone then stay out of it...

By this logic, we would bar sinners from the church, too...let them stew in the world some more...that'll teach'em.

It's always a good idea to "reach out" to one who is confused or hurt. BUT...consider whether you are really the right one to reach out?

Suppose a present day a WS comes here and jumps into their BS' thread to defend their actions, maybe the thread title is something like, "My wife won't leave OM" or "My hubby is with OW while I'm pregnant"

Now fast forward a decade or so and the very same (F?)WS comes back and starts a new thread because his/her OM/OW who they eventually married ended up cheated on them.



Would you give them the same suggestions you gave the BS from ten years back? Plan A Plan B etc etc?

Maybe I would feel different had my FWH left me and married OW. There was never a chance of that happening. But I have to ask myself how I would feel toward him 10 years later.

I want to believe that I would have long ago forgiven him and found a place in my heart to remember the good times we did have together and accept that perhaps, I was never the love of his life.

All marriages shouldn't be saved. Some are simply a mistake. I don't believe that justifies an affair, but sometimes unhappy people make mistakes. Heck, happy people, for whatever reason make mistakes. I'm sure that jj regrets her 1st marriage, regrets her affair, and in some way thinks she deserved what happened to her.

I think to relish in the belief that XWS's do not deserve to have happy fulfilling marriages with their affair partners long after their BS have recovered is judgemental.

I wonder how many OP's get involved with WS and fall in love without actually knowing they are married. This may not be common, but I'd bet it does happen. When this leads to marriage, do they not deserve fidelity in their marriage?

Are we advising them to dump their spouse and stop loving them?

Seems to me like anger redirected.

Standing by for 2X4's.

Who

Oops LowOrbit,

I didn't get the sarcasm in your post.. I thought YOU were having a bad time and lashing out at the perps..

And not a good idea to use a foreign idiom, as it cannot get the message across correctly. Sorry !

To let something stew in it's own fat = actually a way to prepare certain dishes. It means that you let whatever you are preparing stew on it's own until it's ready for further additions.

It takes a good cook to know when to "add" or when to wait.
It doesn't mean there is any less love for the "stew".
Maybe just patience and good timing.

And hey - there are some things I can cook VERY well..
And others I have no experience with.

Lets test the scenario of MB supporting an affair-based marriage with a real member on MB, screen names will not be mentioned.

A BW comes here devistated on D-day, we support her for about 1+ mos where upon her WH divorces her to marry the OW who is 9 mos preggers. 24+ mos later he starts to cheat on OW (wife).

[THIS PART IS HYPOTHETICAL] - She (OW/wife) comes to MB for support, and the divorced BW is still also being supported here.

How do you reconcile that? How do you stand for one thing, yet in direct contradiction, support another?

Also, regardless of the time involved, it IS still the same premise.

I’m very genuinely interested in your responses.
Jo

This really isn't that hard...the original BW should be help to let go of a failed marriage and get on with her life...that is where she IS now...

She should also be counseled to put the other person on "Ignore"

The new wife...the new BW should be help in as much as possible to deal with her situation...and yes, help her make that new marriage work as well...

I know who you are talking about...and I think there's entirely too much emotional involvement with her ex on her part. He is clearly toxic...she should disengage.

A short history lesson about me (some taken directly from some of my prior writings):

My H and I were waiting for the final divorce decree when we began our relationship.

My H's prior spouse had moved the OM into their marital home, (by then, my H had moved across the country), and my prior spouse was with his final OW (in a long line of OW).

To most here, that is still adultery. My H and I disagree about it, actually. I have felt guilty and wished we'd waited, he has no regrets.

My H and I have been through h-e-ll and back... and I attribute much of our struggle to the fact that this was a rebound and decisions were made in the beginning that didn't take into consideration all who would be affected (mainly, our children).

If I had to do it all over again, everyone who knows me knows I would have done it differently. I was in a vulnerable place emotionally (ending a 20 year marriage) and my H (a FBS) was also. Not the best way to make strong, smart decisions.

Years ago, I had some contact with Steve Harley (long story). He said that I belong here. Of course he said other things, almost all of it very positive. He never once said my marriage wasn't valid or that I deserved what I'd gotten (the struggle - nothing to do with infidelity). I took his word, which is why I continue(d) writing.

Maybe some of my "success" here is due to the fact that I know where I went wrong (honest to a fault, some would say), admit it, and am one of those who star* mentioned above who have made amends (to the best of my ability) to all I harmed by my actions... I dunno.

What I know for sure is that unless the reasons for the first failed marriage are not addressed, that they will continue to haunt you and crop up over and over -- especially if you were the WS. You MUST know WHY you cheated and protect yourself and your marriage -- perhaps even more than before (since you've fallen once).

Every time I share my story (which is often) I run the risk of being attacked. I know this, yet I continue to do it -- mostly to warn others what can happen to **good people** who make very bad choices.

It's worth taking a chance for me... I think it's what I'm suppose to do. We all have our reasons for being here ~~ perhaps this is mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I believe you don't. The BW I'm speaking of is really a BH. I changed the gender to protect the innocent.

It seems to me that the question being begged here by those that want to give legitimacy to marriages born of an affair is this...

Does WRONG become RIGHT with the passage of time? If so, how much time does that take exactly?

To me adultery is a black and white issue...Either an affair is wrong ALWAYS or it is NEVER wrong...No amount of time or good deeds will ever change that...Further, becoming a Christian does not change that sin is wrong...always was, always will be...

My position is that adultery was wrong yesterday, and it remains so today, tomorrow and ETERNALLY...

I would also like to step up here for Peachy and her son (and others like them)...Please one of you that believes that WRONG does eventually become right with the passage of time...PLEASE, please explain this to Peachy and her DS...WHEN WILL IT BE OKAY FOR JP's SON THAT HIS DADDY AND THE WISTRESS DESTROYED HIS FAMILY??? HOW LONG UNTIL THAT BETRAYAL and DEVASTATION IS OKAY?

Mrs. W

In that case, you're quite right...I have no idea...but I still think it should be handled the same way.

I doesn't matter to me if it's a BS or a WS..
or a former OP or whatever..
as long as I feel (even if I get proven wrong, duh) that a person really wants to change.

That's not the question at all. The question is - does a repentant person deserve help to make the best of a bad situation?

I think they do.

Tell me...in JP's situation, what do you think everyone should do to make it all right? From the way she's described Darth, don't you think she's better off without him? If Darth's wife were to post about how she's being treated by him, don't you think we might tell her the same thing? Don't you think this new woman might come to her senses and realize the mess she's made? She also has a child to think of.

BTW, I said nothing that JP needs to be defended from...it was an opinion...not a judgement of her.

Sometimes things can't and shouldn't be undone. Sometimes, a path must be found forward...

Never, of course.
Someone who really gets that, will not/no longer do such things.
I'm glad to help anyone who wants to change along that path.

And to me, that path forward, in order to be healthy and right, would include turning away from the adulterous relationship...

Mrs. W

Unless both partners in the "Affair M" are willing to change and repent.
I'd love to see that happen (no sarcasm intended).
But unfortunately, that doesn't happen very often, not in my experience anyways.

From what I've seen, typically it only happens if they themselves experience betrayal in their marriage and then they rarely connect the dots. Because of course, they're different. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />