justjilly, the decision to move this to a private area is entirely a personal decision of your own. You are free to say yes or no. The forum moderator and Dr. Harley are not the ones who are effected by your posting here so this tactic misses the point. The forum has never told you that you can't post here, so it makes no sense to ask them something to which you already know the answer. And gives absolutely no thought to the posters who have asked you to take it to a private forum.

Many folks here have asked you nicely to take your posts elsewhere because it causes so much pain for them to witness your situation. They are not saying you "have" to or "dictating" to you, but have expressed their grief at witnessing your situation.

You seem to not care at all about this, which shows a callous disregard that is astonishing to many here.

I don't know what your agenda is here, but I do know that it is not to get help. You are not getting any help at all because of the constant dissension caused by your thread. Because if you truly wanted help, you could easily move to a private forum and get all the help you want.

YET YOU DON'T.

Your actions DO NOT match your words, which bespeaks an agenda about which you are not being HONEST.

Hey Bob:



if you click the "back" button in your browser the data you entered is still there.

That's what I normally do. For whatever reason, it didn't work that time. I humbled myself by saying bad words.


Or, you can click "reply" rather than using the " quick reply" box at the bottom of the thread. It doesn't happen then.

Now that one I didn't know. I do now and thanks mate.

Isn't this the time of the year for Fight Nights? My one and only invite was (if memory serves) Brighton and at the time I thought it was yet another great tradition we should import to the colonies. Well that or Benny Hill replays. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Larry

Dear Dr. Harley,

This is a email I sent to the moderator Justuss from the GQll forum. I was grateful to see you on today because now I can ask the same question to you as the owner and administrator of MB. Could you please advise me as to what you believe is the right thing for me to do regarding my posting dilemma on your website. I want to do the right thing.... but I don't feel like I know what the right thing is right now regarding my posting.

I will do whatever you feel is right since I believe that you as the owner and administrator of this site do have a right to tell me where and if I can or not post on your board and if I should be going to the quiet corner which I have been told to do. Please help me. I am not as bullet proof as some posters have claimed I am and the things they do say do hurt.... but I just try to trace those feelings back and figure out why they hurt instead of blaming others... my choice to let what they say hurt me.

Thank you for any advice you can provide.
justjilly

Justuss,

I am very confused as to what to do about my situation and posting on MB. I would very much appreciate feedback from you as a moderator of GQ II. If you could read the last 20+ pages of the thread JustJillyBeginAgain I would really appreciate it.

I am being told by quite a few members that I should NOT be posting on GQII's because my situation causes too much pain for BS or gives permission to WS to go ahead and marry their OP since that is what I did.

I was unfaithful to my first H. He was unfaithful to me. We divorced. I married my AP. My AP was married. He was unfaithful to his first wife. They divorced as well.

My current H had an A in our M. We chose to use MB principles to try to save this M. I have been told this marriage isn't even legitimate, just an unrepentant A... some 12 years later.

No one is outwardly stating that I don't have a right to post on MB. There is a group of veterans however, who are telling me that I am harming others by posting to GQII. I believe that my situation... both in my first M and now consist of infidelity. But another poster took it upon herself to create a special thread for me in this section of MB

Miscellaneous >> The Marriage Builders Web Site

The thread started by Pepperband is called Quiet Corner. This is where I am being told I should post... and by not posting there I am intentionally choosing to harm others by telling the truth that my A ended in marriage and since this is a BS worst nightmare (I don't disagree with that.... being a BS hurts a lot. But my hurt wasn't caused by any other poster's affairs. It was caused by my situation in real life.) I am basically being told by a select MB veteran group to go to that corner of MB or else I will be continually called to the carpet by them and told over and over again how wrong I am to be posting.

I want to do the right thing Justuss... I really do. I do not want to cause further harm to anyone. But in the same vein I am concerned that there is a select group of MB veteran posters who believe they have the right to dictate where I should or shouldn't post. I have chosen to only post to the JJBA thread and LovingAnways Owning Your Villagers thread. I have posted a couple of other times outside those 2 threads but the majority of my posts are to the two threads listed.

I didn't start the JJBA thread on MB... Mortarman did. His position remains that the thread should remain in GQII and that the truth not be shielded from anyone. There are others that also share his belief that I should remain in GQ.

I have prayed and thought about this a lot. I do not know what the right thing to do is... so I am asking you as the moderator if you will advise me what you believe I should do.

There was a 20+ page thread back in July titled Regarding the treatment of JJ on MB. The whole idea of me posting at all on MB was hotly debated. The argument then was whether I had a right to seek any support on MB at all. The new debate seems to be the same with a twist of if I do post to MB that it should be in a corner where very few would accidentally bump into it. I feel like this group of posters is trying to dictate where people "should" post. Is this the job of posters or the job of moderators and administrators of this board?

I will do whatever you tell me to do as you are the authority figure here. I will respect whatever decision you render and if that decision is to post only in quiet corner in misc. section of MB website then I will go there. No questions asked. I am confused though because I believe my situation is about infidelity and that I am posting in the appropriate section of MB dedicated to infidelity. Would you kindly advise me what the right thing to do here is.

Thank you,

justjilly

ML,

By bringing over the posts I did to this thread, which showed many of these posters replying JJ, knowing it was an A marriage, I wanted to show that posting does not legitimize anything.

You weren't legitimizing her A marriage and you weren't telling her to divorce. MEDC said that in my post to another A marriage poster, that I was proud of her. And I read a few posts here that said by posting to JJ I was legitimizing her A marriage.

And in the other thread that MEDC quoted me from, I saw a woman who chose to do this again and again...without learning. Now she's at the point of examining, understanding stopping. What I hope for is that by posting to JJ and others who come is that the A's will stop...that mindset, way of life, will end.

I would like very much to know Dr. Harley's beliefs in this regard, as well. What seemed clear to me in SAA was that A marriages continue the fantasy and they fail. Just a A's do. BS's are real partners, not fantasy ones. JJ's life has seemed to prove that truth again.

Now we are up to Pro A Marriage Agenda, are we? Good to know your opinions. Thank you for sharing.

LA

sigh... this letter is nothing more than shameless sympathy pandering with poor JustJilly starring as the victim. [and an atrocious spinning of the facts]

If you don't want to do the gracious thing and move in order to alleviate the grief of other posters, why not just be honest and say he11 no?

There is no need to manufacture all of this drama and self victimization. Just say no and be happy with your decision. You don't have to manufacture a whole dishonest scenario where you are starring as the victim being oppressed by the evil "MB veteran group" in order to hide the fact that you are ungracious, uncaring and callous. Good grief.

Honestly, why all this high drama when all you have to do is say no? Just say no, Jilly. Be a big enough girl to stand behind your decisions instead of pandering for sympathy and looking for cover from mods or Dr. Harley. It is all up to you, and you alone. Just say no and drop the dramatics.

I'm afraid you didn't make your point, though, because it is HELPING HER save her marriage HERE that serves to legitimize it, not merely posting to her. Entirely different agendas. Nice spin, though.

JJ,
if you want help does it really matter where you post? It seems like if you want help you would be very appreciative of the quiet corner.

If you want to be the center of attention and keep stirring up debate then of course you are right where you want to be here on GQ.

When I read your post you say you want to do what won't hurt anyone, but then you say you keep doing exactly that in opposition to the MB vetrans who have asked you to leave.

Somehow that just seems like someone who is more interested in proving their 'rights' than putting others above themselves.

MEDC,

I posted the email, but I acquiesce. I will go to whatever new thread MM posts for me to go to. If he chooes to go with the one Pep created fine... if he chooses another fine too.

You all can do your victory dance now... YOU WIN.

How very gracious of you.

Mel,

YOU WIN... you don't have to rub my nose in it too.

No JJ, YOU WIN. You will now get what you claim you want, HELP.

Okay Mel... whatever you say. You say jump Mel and I'll say high how... you say bark and I'll say woof woof.

You wanna say role over and play dead?

You are in charge of your own decisions, justJilly, no one has that power but you.

~sob~

Good grief ...time to get some new tools in the toolbox already.

Thank you JJ. I appreciate the decision you have made... and I will make the following offer... I have tried to be fair here... even going so far as to post a link to a position that I do not agree with.... so in that vein, if there is any advice that you feel I might be able to offer to you, looking at this from the "other perspective" I would be happy to check in in the thread MM starts. Feel free to email me if there comes a time when you want my input... it will always be honest and to the point.

Again, i thank you for this decision... and frankly, I do not feel as though anyone has won" here.

MEDC

ML,

"I'm afraid you didn't make your point, though, because it is HELPING HER save her marriage HERE that serves to legitimize it, not merely posting to her. Entirely different agendas. Nice spin, though."

Good to know I didn't make my point to you, ML.

And as for power over us...may you never experience this in your life, to know what this feels like...these accusations, where you define what it is and why it is and others, who disagree, have different definitions are pummelled down.

In my Al-Anon group we have a few recovering alcoholics in there, and they feel just fine being there. This is pretty common across the country. Gave many hope and trust to see them attend Al-Anon meetings. I have a feeling in your group, they weren't comfortable because of who you were, not what you were.

That's not spin. That's my opinion.

LA

oooh... a whole post and she didn't use the word abuse! Gold star for LA!

LA - I can't believe someone like you would say something like that. WOW. That is the opposite of all you preach here on MB.

Jilly - thankyou for being compassionate.

No but she passively agressively delivered some though.

You know what they say about feelings; feelings are not truth. Actually, it would be a wrong opinion because they didn't know me and had never clapped eyes on me before that night. But, nice try at a cheap shot, LA. tsk, tsk, tsk... Better luck next time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />