Hi all! I found out a week ago that my husband had an affair with his cousin on a recent vacation. They had shared a relationship previously and when they met up again (I'd come home a week early) they resumed the affair. I found out when I went to fix a wacky email error on my husband's account. He didn't know to delete "sent" files and I stumbled on graphic pictures of the two of them having sex. I confronted him and after catching him in at least a dozen lies, I finally got (I think) the majority of the truth about the affair. They had kept it going electronically once he had returned from vacation. They had made plans, were using the L word and to say I was stunned to read emails about my own movements in my own house as if I was the interloper is a gross understatement. We have a young child.

I am willing to accept my blame in the weakness in our relationship that drove him to this- I've been very involved in my home business, and I know he felt really lonely. Intimacy was not happening for a variety of reasons, and our friendship had dwindled down. We were basically roomates.

Once I confronted him, it came out that he didn't want to end our marriage and that he loved me still but didn't know if we could put this back together. After a weekend of completely frank discussion, we decided to try a 6 month period where we'd try to work on being friends and see if at the end of that time period there was anything worth saving. I don't expect things to be perfect in 6 months, but at least we should know if there is something stronger than this affair there.

My question is, how do I get past the pictures? They are there in my head and they are so painful to think about. I tell myself not to think about it but there they are. She has a better body than me and clearly had a skill level that I don't. I feel intimadated about sex with my husband as I am afraid he is comparing us. He has stopped the affair and aside from signing him up to various porn sites, she's left us alone (I think).

Any advice anyone could offer me on getting past the visuals I was treated to, would be appreciated. I really love my husband and want to make this work......

S&H:

Please post some more details about your M, length, ages, kids, so you can get some more precise advice.

Your H, in the middle of an affair, has said that he does want to stay with you, review the No Contact rules with him and start enforcing them. Cancel the porn sites. I would recommend that you have SF with him, but recommend that you and he get tested for STD's first. Cooler heads on this site can guide you as to when that aspect of your R with your H can begin.

Then start working on your M from the info here.

You came to the right place. If you stick around, you will get help that I believe is not available anywhere else.

Thanks for the advice! We've been married for coming up on 6 years. One child, 5 years old. DH wants to change his email to stop the porn- I know he didn't set up the mailings as he isn't reading them- they go straight into deleted while unopened. It seems like something she would do- she's not terribly balanced. She is also married with children and afraid her husband will find out.

yes, DH wants to work our marriage out and since I found out, we've had wonderful conversations and seem to be more in sync and contected than previously. I just can't get those pictures out of my brain. I wish, wish, wish I hadn't seen them.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, I wish I could say that there is an easy way. The only advice I can give is time. In time the pictures and images will lessen. The best way to make them go away sooner is to replace them with good images. Whether it be of you and your husband or your child, or what ever makes you happy. I've been dealing with the same issues. The thoughts and images that I conjure up are infuriating and very painful.

When that happens I just have to think of positive things (at least try to) to drown out the negative ones. Oh, and one major thing, prayer. Ask God to give you a pure mind and clear, clean thoughts, daily.

Good luck.

S&H:

Guess what, you may have seen the pictures, and they may be seared into your brain, but, you know what he did. Many BS never get anything from the WS and live in a lost world.

The pictures will fade. In a long time, yes, but they will. If your H does the right things, they will fade faster.

My sitch, On d-day I revealed all, and answered any question my BS had. Will continue to do that. Most BS on this site would kill for that Openness and Honesty.

My BS referred to my A recently as a museum piece, something that can be removed from the case, examined and replaced in the case. I am grateful for this transformation.

Remember, the road to recovery is long and hard with many twists and turns. A roller coaster is an apt description. Allow your H to talk, and the hills will flatten and the pictures will fade.

Is the A actually over?

S&H

To address some of the items in your original post:

I tell myself not to think about it but there they are.

You should expect this, until the M starts to improve, you will always think about them

She has a better body than me and clearly had a skill level that I don't.

You can work on both of these.

First, your skill level. If you feel inadequate, you can improve your skill level by asking you H what he would like you to do. (Buy Cosmo & experiment!) You could rent the some videos from out of town as well. This is a tough area, Harley covers this in his seminar, and uses blunt language. But we live in a society that seems to flaunt S$Xuality, but we can't take a class in how to do it. SO we are left with indirect methods to measure our progress. Did you ever see the "Kinsey" movie? His wife needed surgery to open her hymen (sp?). How bad do you think that SF was for many years? You are allowed to have boundaries in your SF performance, however. No unreasonable demands. Also, you need to feel safe with him, and desire as well. May take a while after what you just found out.

Remember what the SF was like in the beginning of your M? Fresh and new, exciting? (Maybe not?) Well that is A SF. Fresh, new and exciting, her apparent skill level may just result from that, nothing more. And, your H has some responsibility here as well. Many a WH claims that the OW is better than W, but in most regards, the WH is just lousy in the sack anyway...

Now about your body:

My OW had a nicer body than my S. But that may have attracted my attention, but I made the decision to stray. MB's will tell you that the OP in the A could be downright homely compared to the BS. Once the lights go down, (whether dashboard or room) they are just having SF. What shape is your body in? Do you still have the excess weight from the pregnancy? Or are you at 125 lbs but the cousin (eek!) is 115? Be realistic. Review HNHN and check out what you think your H EN for attractiveness might be.

I feel intimadated about sex with my husband as I am afraid he is comparing us.

I will be blunt here. Your H is. I did. But your H is also comparing you to every other woman he might have been with and every woman he would like to be with. Me too. But since your H had an A, you know he is capable of looking and trying. When you are able to begin having SF with him, make sure you leave all the others in the dust. MY BS, when we returned to SF, wanted to own this one. The OW doesn't stand a chance now...

She's AFRAID her husband will find out????? UM HER HUSBAND NEEDS TO FIND OUT and either you or your husband should be the one to tell him. You have to kill this affair stone cold dead - this exposure will do that.

Isn't it ILLEGAL for cousins to marry?

Kill the affair, read up on this site. Take a step at a time. You can recover from this.