And I think I did an excellent job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I told WH that his continued C with OW was unacceptable. I told him I have zero trust in him, and that the love i have left is being ripped to shreds.
I said that he is to change his cell phone #. Now. No calls to OW to tell her this, or that i 'made him' change the #, nothing. Just change it.
And i told him to write a NC letter to OW, that i want to see and that i want to watch him put in a mailbox.

I told WH that neither of these were requests, nor were they negotiable. i said if he could not do this for our marriage then i was going to move on - that i was not kidding at all. I said he could think about this today and let me know what route we were taking here.

What i didnt tell WH is that if he does agree to this, that i am also going to install a key logger program on our home PC. I feel that i need that in case he decides to pull any more of his BS with OW. And if he does - there will be plan D - bottom line. I am ready to do it this time more than ever before.

Was this ok? I feel pretty good about it. It will be interesting to hear what he says about this.

Way to go GIRL! Seriously, there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and what's right. You can Plan A and Plan B till the cows come home on some of the WS's and it just doesn't matter to them. But, sometimes, just sometimes a cold dose or reality (boot up the a**) may make some come to their senses. Of course there are others (my EX WW included) who simply are willing to lose it all (and did lose custody of our 19 mo 0ld to me) to be with the OP (no matter how vile he/she is). In any case I for one think you are doing well!

Thanks for the rah-rah, Hope!

I think the difference now is that finally, FINALLY, i am at the point and stage in this M that I can and will go to Plan D...i have realized that I gave this M my all and if WH won't accomodate my simple requests that I need to cut my losses and just move on, like i told him. I am completely ready to take that step - i have bookmarked a site to order the D docs, I know how to file them with our county, and i know i can obtain a loan from my job to cover costs if need be.
I believe I made myself clear as WH was veeeeeery quiet while i was talking about this. So, the balls in his court, bottom line.

GOOD JOB, MP...

I would only encourage you to now go into PLAN B if he is not agreeable to your conditions.. It would be PERFECT timing and PLAN B will give your M a chance if that is what you are wanting...PLAN B involves a PLAN B LETTER....as you may know..and does not talk about DIVORCE..YET...

Mimi - thanks to you too. Well, i suppose i left the door to plan b open for now, as i just stated that i would move on if he is not agreeable. frankly, though, after everything we have been through, 2 A's in less than 5 years - i don't know that i want to try plan b...i am tired....and i am tired of being tired.

MPELE --
Good job stating your boundries.
I would put the keylogger in place (immediately) regardless of his answer. **Trust but verify** and frankly trust isn't there yet.

Do you have time set up to discuss this tonight?

OK -- what are your exact plans if:

A) he agrees to your boundries. How will you accomplish what you've stated. He will try to drag his feet on the # changing, the letter, etc. How soon will he need to get these things done? Be specific!

B) he doesn't agree. OK, now what? Do you have a Plan B letter ready? How will you separate from him? Are you leaving? Is he leaving? How will you make that happen?

MP:

I fully UNDERSTAND where you are coming from...

I have to admit that I am OLD SCHOOL/TRADITIONAL about this...

Why not give your M..a chance..despite the history?

I believe that GOD BROUGHT YOU TOGETHER...

That's just me...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My plan....

A. He agrees....
Phone changed immediately - by the end of the week. period.
NC letter - immediately - same deal.
If not, i am moving on. period.

B. He does not agree. i am moving on. Will purchase D docs online and file with the county. period.

I truly with all my heart feel i did give my M a chance...over and over again. It's down to sink or swim now for me.

Mpele (and Mimi...)

I agree that you have to give it your "all."

However -- in a short marriage, that has produced no children, that has had multiple affairs -- my advice is to move on.

Even more so if the BS has a desire to have children. Get out, learn, and move on.

You have a 12 year old daughter who is coming into the age of learning and exploring romantic relationships. She should have a good model of either:
1.) a healthy romantic relationship;
or 2) a healthy mother.

I hear ya, MP!!

I LOVE YOUR CONVICTION, NOW!!!

Continue to STAND TALL and to HOLD YOUR HEAD UP!!!

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

You're looking BEAUTIFUL to me !!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

First of all, mimi, I see you registered on Christmas. Seems like alot of things seem to happen around the holidays... just an observation.

MPELE, you sound VERY strong... I'm impressed. Sounds like you didn't take the easy, quick way out, and your words remind me of the advice given in "Tough Love" by Dobson (I think). I also really like the idea of a timeframe, but "immediately" is too vague, I would say something like "you have X hours to complete this". If he doesn't agree, I also like the idea of having the Plan B letter ready and just hand it over, if you decide to do Plan B.

You sound like a strong person. I like that feeling...

I feel strong for the first time in a long time, actually. There was something about this broken NC that really got to me...i finally just had enough of WH crap.

I told WH he could think about this today and tonight (he will be at MIL mowing lawn, helping with stuff - shes a recent widow). You can bet if he doesnt give me an answer tonight, i will ask tomorrow morning...and he then will have until the end of the day - that's it. It's not as if it requires a huge amount of thought, right?

WH either changes his cell # and writes and mails the NC letter, or he doesn't. It's not one or the other, it's not a request. It comes down to what WH is willing to do to save our M - and if he is not willing to do these two things, then he has no respect for me or our M, and I am done - done.
I am sure that if i do have to take that route, its going to hurt like #$^& at first, but i will know in the long run that i gave 200% to this M.

MP,

Good for you!!

""I believe I made myself clear as WH was veeeeeery quiet while i was talking about this.""

From what I have gleaned from your other threads is that he is veeeeeery quiet about EVERYTHING regarding the A. Can't wait to hear if he says anything tonight concerning your ultimatum.

I agree with Lexxy about the "movin on". Life is too short. Mark it up to a learning experience.

krk

((((MPELE))))
Stay strong, sister.
We're all here for you.

Krusht:
Yep, WH IS always quiet about the A - like most waywards, he wants nothing more than this to just 'go away'...while of course continuing contact w/OW, lol.
Seriously though, that character flaw runs deep - right back to WH's family - i have never seen a family try and sweep things under the rug as much as WH's - VERY much about appearances to them....let's not tell anyone how f-ed up our family is, no one has to know.
To this day my SIL is convinced that my H didn't 'really' cheat on me the first time (whatever that means!)...it's kind of sad that people feel that life should be lived that way.

MPELE:

Ok, sounds good..........however, what do you mean by "unacceptable"? Your WH is a multiple offender man, so 2 affairs is probably like 4 affairs (and I am being conservative here).

There is a MONSTROUS difference in "standing tall" for your marriage, and remaining a doormat victim of delusion. I wouldn't expect an "aha" moment here at all. The problem with alot of talk around here is the people who say "they won't tolerate an affair" or that they "won't accept continued contact"....it is my observation that MOST NEVER follow that. If your WH agrees to NC and changing his cell phone tonight....and the he PREDICTABLY contacts her again in 3 days (and you catch him on Keylogger)...WHAT WILL YOU DO? You'll probably be advised that this is all some fog, or that you are "negotiating" an end to the affair....and that is progress. Be wary of "progress"..alot of the time, it is cake eating 101...and that IS sometimes SADLY encouraged (unknowingly).

Think about that for a second. I think "we" as betrayed spouses are just as GUILTY as some Waywards in NOT respecting ourselves. I will be honest with you here....Your WH probably does NOT think you have the backbone or guts to back up your word. If you do as you say above and state that all of this is unacceptable, etc...ARE YOU READY TO BACK THAT UP WITH ACTIONS and NOT what have been up to now as false statements of what you will NOT accept?

I don't mean to rain on a parade here, but I felt compelled to speak.

I am not in any way, shape or form trying to be discouraging here, but REALITY is much better acknowledged than hopeful delusion. I would like to be wrong. Many will see my statements as being anti-MB philosophy...so be it...you can galdly discard anything I say, I won't be offended.

Goodluck

LM

Lemon - not offended in the least. I am ready to back this up, completely - with Plan D. I have my ducks in a row...online forms, spoke to our county re filing fee costs, have a loan i can take out if needed.

I am SURE WH doesn't think i have the guts to follow through, because i never have before. He just doesn't know that his latest action was my 'enough' moment...really and truly. From the minute i looked at his cell phone and saw the call i knew that. i didnt cry, i didnt yell at him, i didnt LB. i knew and know that this was it.

In fact, i was just going to post that i had spoken to my WH for the first time today since this morning...we had to speak briefly re: our DD going to a friends house this afternoon. WH asked if we were still going camping this weekend and i responded that this depended on what he had decided regarding my words to him this morning. i said i was not pressuring him to give me an answer that minute, but that i would need to know what route we were taking before the weekend. Was pleasant and calm. WH sounded quiet and scared sh#$less. Good. I'd be scared to if i was on the verge of my BS finally bailing after i subjected them to years of torment.
Choice is his. Change the cell. Write the letter.

I've strapped on some ba##s for once in my life.

MPELE, did the phone # of the OP show on the cell, was that how you knew? There are many ways to hide contact, as LM alludes to. The WS gets smarter and smarter as they are caught. Has your WH changed at all thru the yrs and has he tried to do what you need to feel safe? He could have had a pre-paid phone card or cell phone, used his work phone and or work computer for contact.

In my sitch my WH has not addressed why he has had multiple A's. He is reverting to his behavior while in an A, that is obsessed with the computer, low motivation.

There has been little movement on our working on our marriage. This passed Sunday he went to get gas for the lawn mover, which the errand should have taken 20-30 minutes, tops, he was gone for 75 minutes. If I question him, he will at first deny it, then say I don't know, I don't remember.

I guess what my point is if it looks, feels, and sniffs badly, it most likely is. Follow your gut instincts, they will lead you in the right direction.

NAB - yes, her # showed up in sent calls. WH doesn't get smarter, and in this case he just didn't care...he knew i would see the call sooner or later b/c i have access to our cell records via the internet. if i hadnt found it when i did, i would have on the monthly stmt...

MPELE,

I'm one of many around here who had to deal with months of cake eating -- NC promised but not given, multiple lies, much suffering on my part.

It ended when I did a modified plan B. One very long, very miserable weekend of disclosure, the end of which was going to be marked by the end of one of the relationships. If he wanted to work on the marriage, I had to be able to independently verify NC. Time was up.

We have had a roller coaster since then but things are on the upswing at the moment.