I’ve had some really tough days since you decided to leave us, as you know. My love for you is so deep that I just don't want to face the possibility of my life without you in it. I expected to marry only once, and for life, and despite all our difficulties, I remain committed to that goal. I thought that we would get through the tough times, together. I've been doing some thinking, and I now realize that I have been trying to hold on to you against your will. Obviously, that isn't possible, given the relationship you're now in.
When I think about when we met and our first years together, I know that you married me of your own free choice. I didn't blackmail you or twist your arm. You made your decision without any pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and I see now, I have no choice but to let you go. I know now that I can't force you to stay now any more than I could have made you marry me in 1997 if it wasn't what you wanted. You are free to go.
As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I just can't continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with her. It's too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage,together, when you completely end your affair.
Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. If you never contact me again, aside from matters to do with the kids, then I will accept your decision. I do not wish for your bond with the kids to suffer, and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the kids, but I ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. If you have any emergency matters, please contact me via your Mom.
I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I don't want to end up filled with hate and resentment for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the enormous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with her. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are together. This separation is only to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery. This entire experience has been incredibly painful, but I’m going to make it.
We had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. Thank you so much for the gift of these two beautiful children. I will always have a part of you with me.
Should you decide that you want to reconcile, I remain open to that possibility, and I hope somewhere in your heart you will too. Other families get through this, and I know we can also. I don't ever expect to 'fix' our marriage, all I ask is a chance at a new relationship with you. My only requirement for you to return is to end all contact with the person you are seeing now, and be willing to commit to me and the kids. I realize now that sobriety must be your choice, and I have no right to ask that of you, now, or in the future.
I love you,
x

I’ve had some really tough days since you decided to leave us. I expected to marry only once, and for life, and despite all our difficulties, I remain committed to that goal.

In order to protect the love I have left for you, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To give me messages about the kids, you must talk to >>>>>>> he/she has agreed to be an intermediary. I do not wish for your bond with the kids to suffer, and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the kids, but I ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. If you have any emergency matters, please contact me via your Mom

I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes I made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. I understand now that I played a part on this.
.
I am doing this to protect my feelings for you. I don't want to end up filled with hate and resentment for you.


We had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. Thank you so much for the gift of these two beautiful children. I will always have a part of you with me.

I cannot consider reconciliation unless you finish the affair and choose sobriety. This MUST be your choice.

I still intend to build a marriage with you that is better than before.

I love you


This is your plan B letter without all the words that stop it being a plan B. It is meant to be strong..

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Have you read Surviving an affair? - If not, you need to do so, also you may want to schedule a chat with Steve Harley or of you cannot afford that then call the radio show and talk to the owner of this site,. Dr. Bill for free. Or if you are worried about being heard, email his wife Joyce at jharley @ marriagebuilders.com (without the spaces) and they will answer your email on the show. There is a link to the show and all the info at the top right of the main site page. You need to talk to one of them before you make any other moves.


Here is a guide to writing a plan B letter.

10 steps to a plan B letter

1.State that the WS actions with OP are have eroded your loving feelings for them and your number one priority is to protect the loving feelings you have for spouse. In order to do this you must separate yourself from their presence and contact so their actions cease to diminish your love for them.

2.State of intention to stay married to spouse.

3. Acknowledge own shortcomings in creating the marriage rift. (generally and short but factual)

4. State intention to keep children in original happy “two parent” marriage.

5 State intention to work with spouse to rebuild marriage better than it was before, to create a situation for both of you, so happy you will be completely fulfilled in the marriage.

6 State - separation. no personal contact for any reason - names of intermediaries of choice - if children in family - how to hand over children for visit through intermediary - financial - separation unless it is for children's needs. (sometimes you cannot keep them with you and have to pay support).

7. State intention to separate financial accounts if there are no children.

8. State conditions for rebuilding. NC with OP and NC letter to OP. If addiction involved, Must be in treatment program. Include job change, moving away, limiting (moderating) FOO contact and changing social circles if one or all of these is the only way to NC. Acknowledge that this will be hard for them and state your willingness to do anything to make this possible and to support them through the changes necessary.

9. No other way to see or talk to you. Do not make exceptions to the boundaries - (common sense - in life or death situations, they, intermediary or doctor would automatically contact you and separation would be put on hold)

10. Reiterate love for spouse and intention to be married to them for the rest of your lives.

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I was asked to help someone with a plan B letter. I couldn't find a template like this, it's probably under my nose, so I had a try at making one. I expect I have missed things out or got something wrong, but it is my third? attempt at a template. Comments welcome

SP