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I agree with you, Mulan... Sis is not herself today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Don't get into a battle of wills over a stupid check.
Really? Whats the point?
He is legally responsible to pay you, and you're making it difficult for him.
Its just not the hill to die on...ya know?
Deposit it, pay for the tires, and THANK HIM.
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Also, why wander around looking at batteries?
Why not stand next to him, put your hands on him, and look at him with admiration?
Get Plan A back on track!
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LS: you know very well whose CD it is.
WH stands there, rests hid hands on the shovel and closes his eyes. He sort of starts to say something a couple of times, then stops. I just look at him, watching him struggle...and the angries fade. I say in a soft voice, "It's okay."
He looks at me, and opens his mouth. I say it again, "It's okay" and sort of smile a bit. "Okay, " he says, and we start shoveling. See how one LB can totally wipe out the chance for some light and friendly communication? It just shut down the whole conversation. ONE LB trumps 30 'atta-girls'. His love bank needs to be far in the black to withstand those little withdrawls. {{{{{{{{LilSis}}}}}}}} You've had a rough week. Are you sure you want to make the check an issue right now? Really, what's the difference if he takes back the check and pays, or if you cash the check and pay? In the scope of Plan A, I mean.
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
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Yea, Sis?
What's happening with your PLAN A?
You are like you were with the dog, not letting things go...
ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY HERE, I THINK...
He is a WS..He will have her stuff in his car. He will not want you riding around in the open with him. IT IS WHAT IT IS....What's the point of trying to fight with him about this and to MAKE YOUR POINTS WITH HIM?
HE IS HELPING YOU TODAY WITH YOUR TIRES AND YOUR DRIVEWAY!!!! Lots of opportunity for showing APPRECIATION..EXPRESSING ADMIRATION....THAT'S YOUR GOAL HERE!!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi said: Sis may be coming to the point where she really needs to end PLAN A ...because PLAN A is definitely about GIVING and EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN...The EXPECTATION is creating ANGER... Agreed. LilSis, can you get your Plan A back on track NOW, or are you losing love and if so, CALL DR H!
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
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Rescinding my earlier post. After reading the advice from the pros here, I have to agree. It's an awesome letter and God how I wish he could "hear" it. But they're right. He probably wouldn't at this point. I agree with Mimi and the others, use it when the time comes for Plan B. Speaking from my own experience, it's like they only "hear" what they want to hear at the time-- as much as what we're saying (writing) is the truth.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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How have you demonstrated Admiration for him today?
How have you demonstrated Affection for him today?
Have you met his need for Domestic Support today?
What EN's did you meet for him today? Without expectation or getting anything in return? (or maybe even leave you feeling bad....)
Did he leave those interactions with you FEELING GOOD?
Last edited by Lexxxy; 02/16/07 02:10 PM.
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(((Lil Sis)))
I hope none of this comes off too harsh today, but the letter should be saved for Plan B. If you send him a letter now, your Plan B letter will be less effective, he'll be immune to it. It will seem like just another letter and he'll likely read it as "blah, blah, blah"...He is wayward Lil Sis. I know you are reaching out for your H, but in all reality he is a WH now. I am so sorry Lil Sis for all the pain you have to go through because it is so very hard. I just felt compelled to chime in here, maybe that letter is setting the ground work for Plan B. Keep it, hold on to it and add the necessary elements to make it an astounding Plan B letter. Don't be afraid of Plan B Lil Sis. You may be coming to the end of your rope with Plan A. You have done well with your Plan A, you just can't stay in it too long. Please think about it and maybe a call to SH wouldn't hurt. Still rooting for you!
Last edited by robertswife; 02/16/07 02:34 PM.
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LilSis:
About the letter.
It's terrific. Keep it in your brief case. Or on your desk. Do not send it. WH will not pay attention.
But notes and good food are still working.
About the CD?
YOU WERE AWESOME.
Let me repeat:
YOU WERE AWESOME.
You could have smashed it on the ground.
You could have said, "what is this disgusting thing doing in your truck!"
You could have thrown it at him.
BUT YOU DIDN'T.
He knew exactly what it was.
You did too.
You could have exploded. But it is his truck and his life, right now.
You started to say or do something, and then you stopped. He looked at you. AND knew everything that you were feeling at that point.
HE was going to defend himself. But didn't, and how could he?
And as you said, and as he watched you, the angries faded.
You said: "It's OK"
Your "It's OK" signaled to him that this phase in his life will pass.
I see this as a major turning point, not a LB. You accept that this is where he is. And you can not argue with him about that. But it is not where you or him will be in the future.
Remember, YOU LEFT HIM SPEECHLESS.....
And you went out and finished the driveway with him.
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LilSis:
Why the turning point?
Because you indicated forgiveness.
There is alot of ugliness ahead.
If your H returns, he needs to know that there is forgiveness available for some of the things that he has done.
HE knows he needs to repent, and only you can give him that.
The CD is an artifact of his A. In the future, during recovery, these things will be found and dealt with.
Just as it was, just now. Right now, he might put the CD elsewhere so you do not see it. In the future, it gets thrown away. You do not have to make it a scene, you just get rid of it.
And if HE knows there is no forgiveness, then there is NEVER any reason to come home.
And this is first real indication that you have given him any forgiveness.
"It's OK" Translation: "I can move past this"
And your letter you wrote today? Those things are true. And you see them in your Husband. Those chinks exist in his WH Wall. But you can not get them into those chinks until a few more of the above moments work for you.
The pressure is building on his side of the wall.
LG
PS: I DO HOPE the trip to get the car back with the tires didn't turn into a nightmare.....
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I agree LG --
The message for the rest of Plan A has to be:
I can forgive.
You won't be the bad guy forever.
There is a way to fix this.
It is worth fixing.
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(((LilSis)))
I hope you have a great weekend.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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Ummmm....
2x4s abound. Pretty harsh. Guess I can't do ANYTHING right today...
Jeez.
LG, thanks. The thing about the CD...the way you describe it...that's EXACTLY how it FELT.
And I GUESS it couldn't have been such a HUGE LB for him, since afterwards he got us all lunch and sat at the kitchen table and we all ate together, talking and tossing fries to the dog. I folded up the letter and put it away. And I did let the check thing go; I paid for the tires, and agreed to deposit the check as he asked. And after I picked up the car, I went and got it washed, which I knew he would appreciate. And of COURSE I thanked him profusely about the driveway and told him that I NEVER could have done that on my own!
PLEASE give me a little credit. You need to understand, WH is not always in this for the light and friendly conversation. Many times, he comes in the door not wanting to talk AT ALL. All of my Pollyanna chit chat is not going to break that down.
As a matter of fact, to DO SO would be disrespectful. He is not in a good place. For the most part, he doesn't want to be here...or some part of him does not...he is RESISTANT. Wouldn't it be disrepectful of me NOT to acknowledge that, NOT to come at him from WHERE HE IS? I know I don't appreciate it when I am clearly not in a good mood and someone approaches me as Miss Mary Sunshine...totally ignoring my cues. I, for one, resent that.
So I should have kept my mouth shut about the CD. Shoot me. I do not feel I was unfair to him. I'm being human.
I was also being honest. He heard my anger...but he also heard me let it go...that is AFFECTION...to me. When someone is upset with me, but they don't beat me over the head with it and instead say, "oh well, let's move on"...that demonstrates caring and respect. Maybe that's just ME.
After I got the car, he and the boys came back to pick up clothes for the weekend. And of course I thanked him again for the driveway and for choosing the tires. I gathered up all the kids stuff without delay or complaint, and when it was time for him to go, I gave him a hug and a kiss on the neck and told him I loved him (out of sight of the kids). I gave him a magnet of the Red Wings schedule that was on the counter at the tire store. "A little present," which made him cringe, at first...then he saw it and laughed. "Perfect!" he said.
We made eye contact many times throughout the day...that kind of brief but sustained eye contact that isn't something that words can describe. We had it when I said, "it's okay" regarding the CD. We had it when we said good-bye. We had it when I said something about "our house."
So all that said...when he left here just now, he had a smile on his face. It was a smile because he felt good, it was a look of contentment. Not because he was getting away from me, but because I let him go. Because I didn't FORCE him to hug me. I didn't badger him for a kiss. I didn't give him a hard time. I told him I was going to be lonely, but not in an accusing way...just a reality.
Plan A is Plan A...but it WILL be different for everyone. I REALLY REALLY needed to be MUCH better about letting WH take the lead, about telling him how much I appreciate him, about showing affection. About trying to understand and meet his needs. And I am doing all of that now...and will continue to do so...but in a way that is sincere and genuine for me...and respectful of WH.
It would never be ME, for example, to hang on his arm and bat my eyes while he's talking to the tire guy. As a matter of fact, WH would be embarrassed by that. Let him talk shop with the tire guy, and I let him do that, stay out of his way. I'm not going to interfere with him making the decision about what tires are best, or even provide input. If I had given input, I probably would have told him to get less expensive tires. But it was his decision. He wanted "the best rubber money could buy." Okey doke.
I am not at the end of my rope. I may just be picking it up, as a matter of fact. I am really just figuring out what Plan A looks like FOR ME. It's not overt...it's more friendly. That's exactly how Lori described it in her post that I printed out and read frequently. Same with Daze's...maybe I'm mis-interpreting, Daze...forgive me.
Nudge, nudge, nudge. No more big pushes. The big pushes, the ones he has ASKED me not to do (with the exception of the roses, which I will continue) I will stop, and find another way to reach him. That is respectful, AND it keeps him more open to me...not fearful.
So...beat me up all you want. I feel pretty good about how things went today. We spent almost an entire afternoon together. We were friends checking out his satelite radio. We were partners shoveling the driveway. We were parents correcting the boys behavior. We were husband and wife picking out tires.
To me, that's a win.
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Nudge, nudge, nudge. No more big pushes. The big pushes, the ones he has ASKED me not to do (with the exception of the roses, which I will continue) I will stop, and find another way to reach him. That is respectful, AND it keeps him more open to me...not fearful. Good.
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~Benjamin Franklin~
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LilSis:
Keep Goin!
Your doing great!
And the return with the tires wasn't a nightmare!
Go Wings!
LG
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WH is a Red Wing fan?? Darn, i can't hate him anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I just love Chris Chelios. You did great, as usual. everything can not be rehearsed.....some things need to come naturally and as far as I am concerned SHOULD.....otherwise, itcomes off as planned and manipulitive to me. YOu know him...you know what OVERdoing it looks like to him and how he will react to that. I am thinking if he was squeamish about taking you and the boys to lunch he would have just about die if you hung on his arm at the tire store. meant to mention...i SOOO agree w/ your Little Mary sunshine comment. that drives me NUTS!
Last edited by nia17; 02/16/07 05:03 PM.
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And for the record, nobodys beating you up or swinging 2x4's. You'll know those when you truly get whacked with one. I only see people giving you some things to think about...
You say not to "blow sunshine" then pout when we don't.
Take what you want, ignore what you don't.
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It would never be ME, for example, to hang on his arm and bat my eyes while he's talking to the tire guy. Just because I BAT MY MASCARAED EYES doesn't mean that I also HANG ON HIS ARM.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> As a matter of fact, WH would be embarrassed by that. How do you know? I'm catching you on EXPRESSING HIS FEELINGS... Do you know that you do this a lot? Only because I used to do it too..MAKE SO MANY ERRONEOUS ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MY HUSBAND... Someone here said it today..I think it was Marsh... FREE HIM TO OPEN UP TO YOU ABOUT HIS FEELINGS.... I'm feeling that you may want me to back off, though...and I will if you want.. Okay? I've been posting to you a lot today and you haven't talked back specifically to me ONCE in this post....but something makes me think you are speaking to me INDIRECTLY...and I much prefer that if you are talking to me for you to let me know that.Otherwise I feel disregarded but maybe you are not talking to me and I should not make that assumption. I'd rather you disagree with me than to ignore me..MY ISSUE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> So...beat me up all you want. OUCH..if you feel like that's what I was doing. I wouldn't want to do that to anybody on MBers... I think you are doing just GREAT...WONDERFULLY..I agree today was a WIN for you OVERALL... JUST TRYING TO HELP is all...and if I'm not being HELPFUL let me know that... OMG, I wouldn't want to BEAT ANYBODY UP or ADD TO YOUR HURT AT ALL..YUCK.. But I got some of the MOST HELP on this forum from those who said stuff I didn't want to hear...I'm not calling any names MEL and PEP... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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