Thanks Hold, Takola, et all. I pressured. I She never discussed why--not in four years. Or, I just did not hear her.

Now, my wife is witty, terse, sharp, quick, and has a biting clever comeback for most comments--she is devestating.

I always loved to hear her banter-- never thought she would turn all negative stops on me. Hit and run rejection for four years. Very frustrating.

One hour from now, I am going to bring up SF as an indicator of our communication problems. I am going to bring up not totally understanding what her needs from me are.

Then I am going to listen. Perched on the edge of my chair. I hope to GOd she talks. I am confident that at this point, her resentment is right up there with mine.

Counselor is a man. If I smell any male bashing in anyway, the whole exersize is over. Assume I am a good guy who is thoughtful and kind.

Having my wife in control of my sex life is not working. No planned dates, or times for SF is not working. There has to be a plan to rectify this, or I remain a balloon without a knot, or just plain withdrawn, or gone. I have had it.

Whether or not you agree folks, compromise and negotiation is the name of the game for me. PERIOD. The blame game is easy and gets no one anywhere.

Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do. But is the solution, if our marriage is to continue. This is not the Jerrry Springer Show, we are both intelligent people, who have a lot to loose without reconciliation.

Thanks again, I will post later tonight.

Can't decide what to write. Or whom to address it to.

To Takola and Jan: He's doomed.

To bout: Want the name of a good divorce lawyer? Where do you live?

Oh, and Jan: I give you credit for trying so hard with male counsellors. And for trying so hard to make things work with your husband. My comment was addressed to the circumstance where the wife, for whatever reason, is the "more difficult" spouse. The one who is currently LESS motivated to work to improve the marriage.

That is likely not Mr. Bout's case. Or even if Mrs. Bout is more difficult, Mr. Bout's attitude and behavior are so unhelpful that he isn't going to make progress regardless of the counsellor's gender.

I was speaking in generalities to a male who may not be able to tell, in advance of going to counselling, whether his wife is going to be open to changing her behavior. If there is any chance that she is going to be "difficult", then I think there is a HUGE risk in going to a male counsellor.

Just as, if I were counselling a female, I would tell her to select a male counsellor. Because otherwise her husband might well decide that the females were ganging up on him and tune out whatever the counsellor said.

So I think you did the correct thing. Too bad it didn't work out. Or perhaps, in the bigger picture, congratulations that it didn't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You dont go to counciling for another person, you go for yourself, when I started with IC, I didn't go and talk about my W, I went to varify my reason's for divorce, my IC could not tell me to get a divorce, but he did tell me my W need's help.

If "Bout's" situation is even remotely simular to mine, his world is going to shake, and shake hard.

Jan,
I think you may be a little hard, I am sorry you had a lemon as an H, but silence in a marriage is the killer of the marriage, the silent one is the one that has already given up on the marriage, or in other word's never really put themselve's in the marriage.

Bout,

I do believe you should seek IC for yourself, there you can work on your own self, and decover the change's you need to do.