Reposted from EN boards...


I have been married for a little over 5 months. This is my second marriage. My first ended with infidelity on her part and her leaving. 5 years later, I thought that I had met the woman I was looking for and with alot of prodding on her part, I proposed and we were married in July. Immediately, our love fell apart it seems. I planned a surprise 2 week trip to Italy in 2 private villas. She lost her main bag, and was completely depressed and neglectful for 4 days. She essentialy was despondant and made me feel that the luggage meant more to her than I did.

We have since had several issues regarding about everything. We each have 2 children, so we are a blended family. My boys are older 13 and 10, her girls are younger, 7 and 4. Unfortunately, she grew up in an alcoholic family, so she had no stability. She still fights with her mother all the time, but they resolve their issues by simply pretending that it never happened and in a day or two, acting like nothing is going on. However, she talks with me about how sad she feels.

She left her first marriage due to infidelity on his part. She just 'up and moved out' one day while he was away. Buying a home and taking what was her's.

Now, we have not been able to talk since our wedding. We talk, but she seems very defensive and just won't speak. I have recently found out she has been updating her resume and looking at homes on the internet. (Just like before). I have tried to talk with her, but she doesn't like to talk. If we talk, we tend to argue, which obviously does no good. I come to try to repair and reinitiate after a while, (I am the only one of us who does anything to initiate anything.)But I truly feel, over the last week, that she is just scared.

When I confronted her about looking at homes, She stated "Sure, I would be a fool not to, because I am just waiting for you to say, This isn't working. You have to leave." She is frightened... she has no background or experience in working through issues, she has no feeling of stability, and I can't figure out how to do my part to help her with that issue. We are in counseling, but it usually turns into a 'he does this... he does that...' which might be partly true, but I have tried to work on EVERY issue she brings up. If I say Anything about her behaviors or what she says, I am immediately shut down and she hears nothing. So I typically sit and try to be as innocuous as possible, hoping that she will work through some of the things she has going on.

I feel horrible. She has not shown me any sort of love at all for about 2 months. We have made love 11 times since we were married. I have overtly expressed my feelings of need on both accounts, but she seems to see that I would like to be loved, and therefore, she has an Anti-reaction to even the thought. I have sent flowers, dinners by the fire, etc. Which seem to kindle a bit, but it is as if everything I do is suspect. I want to say that I have done nothing she can point to that should cause these feelings.

I asked her directly one night, what she wanted in a husband and what she expected out of marriage. When I asked her if we could talk, she said "But I am reading..." a novel. When I asked her, she was completely silent for 2 minutes. Our daughter began crying and she took off to find out what the problem was. I waited, and she did not return for quite some time. I became fed up, and went downstairs before she returned. She never tried to come down and talk. She went back to reading. When I explained how this made me feel, she said "I thought you were mad. So I didn't come down."

I don't know what to do. I love my wife absolutely. I don't believe there is anyone else, although the lack of love and attention is EXACTLY how my first wife treated me during her affairs. I still don't believe that there is anyone. I feel that she is just scared and confused. Marriage isn't the panacea that she thought it was going to be. Everything isn't roses and ice cream. Blending the children is turning out to be a bit of work. Nothing that I think is unusual, and in all actuality, I think easier than most would have it. But the fact that there is bickering at times, or strife makes her think all is lost.

I just don't know what to do. I have emailed her a couple times telling her (short) that I love her and want to help her to feel safe. I stuck a bunch of sticky notes up around the house telling her I loved her in a bunch of different ways. I bought flowers for our 1st date anniversary. etc. I have tried to show her I love her, and all I have asked in return is that she love me.

I don't want to play games... I did all the games with my last marriage. I worked to improve myself, etc... all to no avail. She used me to pad her pockets before she left. In some ways, that is what I feel is going on now. Quite a bit of money was taken out of our account this last month. The checks were to pay off her credit cards, which she had before me. It seems as though all she is doing is waiting until she is in the black... then she is out the door. I don't know... I believe she loves me, but I don't think she knows how to work at loving. She just wants it to be there, and when it isn't just magically there... all is lost.

"She left her first marriage due to infidelity on his part. She just 'up and moved out' one day while he was away. Buying a home and taking what was her's."

Have you ever talked to her ex? I'm wondering if she has been truthful to you.

By the way, welcome.

That kind of counseling causes more problems than solutions and just keeps her enraged at you. You can see for yourself how well that works. Try a SOLUTIONS oriented marriage counselor instead of wasting your time on bashing sessions.

Call the Harley's at the counseling center [link above] and familiarize yourself with the MB program. They have a very effective phone counseling service. The Harleys will not waste your time and money and will teach you how to be married and stay in love. They won't waste your time yapping about grievances.

I am from a severely screwed up alcoholic, broken home and if this program can teach me to build a productive, wonderful marriage, then it can teach anyone.

I know it may not be what you think you should do, but it reads like this - she comes from instability - and wants a man. Meaning that she does want you to be strong for her - solid and positive - but not talk about things right now - sometimes the worst thing you can is talk about your problems... tell her you love her and that you are not going anywhere. Don't let her make the excuse that you are going to leave her. Tell her No way I would leave - but honey if you need to I totally understand - that will take the pressure off. Hope some of this helps

Good luck

I would also recommend doing a little more snooping and get some info on her past M to see what is going on with her. It seems like she may have some issues.

I would plop down the $185 and talk to Steve Harley to come up with a plan to save your M. The path you are currently going down does not sound promising, so you need to change something up.

I would also establish and enforce some marital boundaries. Tell her looking for another home and/or job is unacceptable to you. Install a keylogger, and follow up on her. If she continues, discontinue the internet. Don't allow her to walk all over you.

It does seem to me that she is developing an EA, so I would definitely check up on her. Do not let her out with male friends by herself, and if she says she is going out with the girls, I would get someone to verify that she is being honest. If there is a guy there that she doesn't mention, then he is probably your man. Check her email, cell phone records, and any other means she would have to start an affair. If she won't allow you her password or look at the phone records then you know what is going on.