WH is still denying any A and tells me IM CRAZY etc...
we have always had communication problems, so now when I am calm and have a clear mind, I write things to him and send them to his "secret" email account... I know he is reading them and saves them... what does this mean? Also, when he first "broke up" with me on our 15th anniverasary in Sept,
I found the one and only love poem/letter he ever wrote me when we were dating and I put it in his wallet... not too soon afterwards, I found it in there, he had torn it in half and taped it back together and still has it in there..
what does that mean? is the real H still in there and actually hanging onto the truths Im putting out there or is he using them for some sort of trophy? Just wondered if any of you did this sort of thing and why... or is this all just more scambled brain stuff? thanks for your input. SAS

well I went further and threw out photos of us with our kids and a lot of things. I cannot even say where I threw a lot of it, the shed or bins or whatever. Some I have since found. but not all.

Now its a enternal regret and great remorse on top of that I have for the affair. They were precious memories I now no longer have.

I wanted everything that was my H gone, memories, the whole lot.
That your H has kept some things seems to me he is in and out of the fog but not anywhere ready to either commit or leave for good. It may be a good sign in fact that he is rethinking..are you doing a good plan A still?

I (have been doing a fairly good plan A since Oct., even before I told him I knew about his A a week ago) He wont let me near him so no physical stuff, but I am trying. my tank is getting pretty low at this point, hard to keep going without anything in return...but he does peek out from time to time lately...I am stuck on the mass exposure thing, I just cant seem to track down OW's (EX?) husband...
I want to do exposure to everyone else all on the same day,
ow's xh is an important one, just because neither one want him to know... he is #1 on list. Plan A has stalled a little due to everyone here being sick too...now we are all starting to get well, so should ramp up efforts on plan A. soon.

EXPOSURE is empowering

are you on anti-depressants?

Pep

yep i have been on AD's for 2 months now...yipee!! lol
I have tried just about every thing I can think of to find owxh, my xsil, is afraid to help me cause she could get fired for giving out that info, cop friends the same thing... I even went to the post office to see if there was a forwarding address...they cant give out that info either..
Ive got at least one or 2 more things to try they will be harder but I gotta do what I gotta do I guess.

does anyone know where to find the Dos and Donts of plan A? I think I need some help on stepping it up... second guessing myself on whether Ive dont a good enough one. thanks, SAS

Read the carrot and stick of Plan A, by Pepperband. It really helps a lot.

Here you go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post2995076

Here's a Dos and Don'ts list from Mr. W...

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Thank you for your replies all... Ive got most of them checked, so am doing most of them, did slip another LB though... something that festered too long to control it ... next time I guess I will just let it give me tmj or a migraine and hold it in....sigh... I guess I just need to know what kind of things to expect... too bad there arent any fortune tellers around when you need them...sigh...
he wont let me meet EN's but Im trying my buttt off...
wish I didnt LB tonight, it gives him the upper hand...oh well, tomorrow is a new day... hope it goes well. thanks again, SAS.

Avoiding LB's, when you're used to doing it, is hard to get used to. You will fall off the horse, but all you can do is get back on. Don't worry too much about it. It gets easier, especially when you know what to look for and what to avoid.

Don't beat yourself up when you slip. It takes time.

Keep trying to meet his EN's...he'll start letting you and not even realize it.

Hi SAS

I'm not sure how it works in the US but in Aust we have electoral rolls with the address of every adult in Aust who can vote. Remember she may be using her maiden name as well in stead of her married name.
I understand voting is voluntary in the US but maybe that is one source to try & find OWH ..just a thought.

Others may have some idea on web search engines etc.

If they don't want you to know who OWH is there must be something going on about that. Either not really an ex or perhaps settlement & custody maybe
If it was all above board so to speak on OW side, separated or div etc, then she wouldn't care one way or the other.

I dont think I can get voter registrations, also these arent the kind of folks that bother to vote I imagine...
I have done tons and tons of online searches... cant get a current addy .... they have moved 4-6 times in the past 3 years, and apparently dont get their bills paid as the utilities are usually in someone elses name..kids, relatives etc... I have an aquaintance that works in security at wh's work... maybe he can tell me at least what shift owh works on. every time wh lies it just kills me more. is there some kind of spray or pill for that? lol.
"LIE BE GONE" one spray and the lies go away..... ;o)
I could make a fortune if I could invent that!!!

hey Aussie Wife... what finally did make you pull your head out and come back to the land of the living anyway? you dont have to tell me if you dont want to... just needing some ideas... giving him facts about his A isnt working, it just seems to strengthen his resolve to be a bunghole and lie more... been doing a pretty good plan A for quite awhile, but nothing seems to be working...maybe when I acheive full exposure...hope so. advise please!! and thank-you !! SAS.

jumped the gun and didnt finnish reading your post..
yeah there is something fishy about owh... I do know who he is, just not which shift he works or where he lives...
and I know the wh speciffically lied about them being married 4 different times now... my guess is its
a. she is still "doing" him too
b. she thinks he will get the kids and cut off her $
c. they are afraid he will kill them or
d. all of the above.

You can't educate a WS, don't even try. It's an LB. AVOID THOSE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

stph I have been doing what I consider an excellent job of controling LBs since October... just let a few slip once in a while... Im not gonna beat myself up over it, I will try to be extra good tomorrow and pretend like it never happend...that is M.O. that wh uses...lol maybe I should put my head in the sand like he does too... rant rant rant..
ahhh that's better. (I hope) thanks for reply! sas

If you need to vent (and you will)...DO IT HERE.

It helps, believe me. I've had to do my share here so I didn't do it to WH. I am guilty of trying to educate my WH in the beginning too, I know how it feels to have all of this information and you want to share it so he gets a clue. Not gonna happen, my dear! Sorry to say it. I've had to get beat up pretty badly here for me to get it.

Educate yourself so you know what to do and not do and he will notice and eventually follow your lead, after withdrawals.

so is there ANYTHING a bs can do to get them to come clean and /or pull their head out ????? I only fact whack him when he starts lying..that usually makes him scurry away...but tonight he just fought back...I think ow has been coaching him at work today...

my biggest problem is that I have been doing plan A since Oct. and just exposed to wh a week ago, guess I just need to remember that even though I have known for a long time wh hasnt known that I have known for very long....grrrrrrrrrrr

I don't mind these days though it was difficult even in recent times. You probably need a bit of back ground to understand.
What happened was that we lost one of our children, a little boy from Meningococcal disease while my H was deployed.
I basically went off the rails and blamed my H for not being there, and so the down hill race began.
I got it together superficially before he was sent back to Afghanistan in 2002 but then with work issues and our sons death and his deployment I felt entitled to do what I wanted, in part I’m sad to say to hurt my H as well.

The OM’s wife discovered it about the time I told OM to just leave me alone for awhile, can’t say for sure I wouldn’t have continued though. Fog is fog. I guess I was not finding any happiness even fog happiness more than anything else. So it just ended. Of course his wife leaving with their kids to go 3000kms away sort of decided it in any event.
So a combination of both unhappiness with the A, mourning, & lack of the OM being around. As that went on then my remorse and regret and self hate started. I began seeing what I had done, not why, but my actions. My other kids were disgusted with me, my H didn't know being deployed, and I felt and at times still feel like something pretty low. This happened over a year so it wasn't a FLASH of insight but this realisation of my actions and the consequences.

I’m lucky not to be divorced, most M that loose children in those circumstances don’t survive I have since found out. I’m not sure I deserve my H but I’ve got him and I’m not letting go.