I have a heavy heart. To make a long story short, a friend of almost 20 years has informed me she has started a physical affair with a married man she met on the internet. I actually introduced her to her husband years ago. Some years later he had forbidden her to contact me as he suspected I wanted to have a relationship with her prior to her marriage (he was right), but she has still called me occasionally over the years. The irony is that once she was married there was no chance I would ever do anything with her. I am sick about it (they have 3 children ages 5 to 14). I view her behavior as self-destructive. She claims marriage is lacking nurturing and good sex. She basically unburdened herself onto me and I feel like I'm carrying the load.
My question is should I tell her husband. She says he is totally content and unaware. She claims to be in love with this guy and he with her, but I think it's delusional. The guy is lawyer so he is probably good at manipulation. She thinks they're both trapped in their marriages (he has 4 kids), and he says he can't leave his wife.
I'm sick about this

expose TODAY this second....

the children deserve a sane parent who is not directly putting their emotional lives in chaos...

the BS needs the knowledge as knowledge is power...and to deny him that knowledge is cruel....

her marriage lacks nurturing so she puts her own children in jeopardy of becoming victims of divorce. thus the potential loss of both nurturers in the home raising them..

oh the irony.....

expose
expose
expose....

he has the right to make informed decisions that directly affect both his
physical
and
mental
health

ain't no one round her gonna tell you differently..

ARK

yes, expose. It is the only decent thing to do.

I will also offer a suggestion to you... do not have contact with any woman that is not comfortable including you in the lives of her family. If the H has feelings that he would rather a man not be in contact with his wife... you should respect that.

Now, be the real friend I know you are to this family...call the husband today. This family... those kids... they all need your help.

Encourage your firend to expose, and then either leave, or recover!!!

You can explain to her that while she may think the M is defuct her H doesn't. and it is not fair to him if she is not going to be truthful with him.

Haveing an A, and more importantly LYING is selfish and the only people she will hurt by continuing both lives are the people that car about her (Like you).

If that does't work, talk to the H, and tell him that his M is introuble and that he really needs to talk to his W. If at all possible let your friend be the one to tell her husband.

If he tries to get her to tell him herself... she can do a spin or damage control. This needs a swift exposing by the friend, IMHO.

I never contact her, she only contacts me. I agree with you tho.

I have to disagree with this...She won't tell her husband the truth right now, the truth isn't in her, she's a WS...It matters NOT how the husband gets the truth, only that he gets it...EXPOSE TO THE HUSBAND IMMEDIATELY...That is the BEST thing you can do for this family!!!

Mrs. W

Also, send the husband here, so that he can get the help he very much will need...

Mrs. W

I am going to defend my statement. If the she is talking to her friend then chances are she is looking for either validation that what she is doing is RIGHT or a way out.

Yes she might downplay the A to her H, but if she is the one to come clean Recovery will be quicker and easyer. (The truth will come out eventually). Also remember that autdad is not a welcome person in the H eyes. If he is the one to tell, then the H might just think that he is trying to break them up.

I still stand my my suggestion of makeing the girl tell her H about the A, But will add that Autdad should also follow up. Oh and a big part of this will be makeing sure that she stopps all contact with OM.

-bj

Who would go to a KNOWN liar...an active WS and expect them to be truthful and honest...

illogical and ludacrious in my opinion.....

and how does one define ones friends...

as long as they are decent and honest to ME then their behaviors do not and should not effect our opinions and interactions with them...

for whom the bell tolls and all that....


ARKie

I've decided to write her a letter urging her to come clean and end it all. I will follow up later and tell the husband if she won't. I agree the BS may think I am trying to break them up. I also agree WS must be looking for validation or some undefinable way out. She is a repressed sex-addict and I think the genie came out of the bottle. I am going to urge professional help in that, she comes from a home where this same scenario played out with her father when she was about the same age as her oldest daughter. Break the cycle. She was a good mother. BTW, I sure there must be a thread somewhere that somebody can point me to, but this thing started with AshleyMadison.com

just expose to her husband..why does he deserve to live in a lie one more second....

I don't understand that.....

I honestly don't

why is there so much misplaced mis-prioritized compassion for the innocent...

cowtowing to the abuser...

why

ARK

How in the world would recovery be quicker and easier if the affair is "downplayed", in other words, the husband is LIED to even more??? The betrayal will not be worse because of HOW the husband receives the truth...What IS important is that he receives the truth...The SOURCE of the WHOLE truth is irrelevant...

Mrs. W

The BS won't think you are trying to break them up, he'll be thankful that you told him. Your friend will NOT come clean, she will just stop confiding in you. EXPOSE to her poor BH!

Autdad, I'm a BH here, and I would want to know. It sickens me that this poor guy is being cheated on, and you don't even have the decency to let him know. I have had the opportunity to save my M. He deserves that same opportunity. By not telling him you depriving him of that opportunity. The longer this goes on without him knowing, the less likely he is to save the M, and the longer it will take to save it. TELL HIM TODAY!!

By not telling him, you are now an accomplice. The blood is now on YOUR hands. The poor children may not have a nuclear family partly because of YOUR poor choices. DO THE RIGHT THING!!!

As a FWS, I can tell you that your letter to her will be disregarded because she is an ACTIVE WS...rationationalized and justified away...And you say that she is a SA? Whoa Nellie and Stop The Presses, because your letter DEFINITELY will carry no weight...The MOST compassionate thing you can do here for all involved is to expose to the husband...IMMEDIATELY...That is what a real friend would do...Be kind, do NOT deny this husband vital information about his life another second...That is CRUEL...Seriously, give this family the BEST shot they have by calling the husband TODAY...

Mrs. W

autdad, I would suggest you don't send her a letter, but rather tell her H yourself. Sending her a ltter telling her to bust herself is not a solution at all. Expecting her to bust herself is completely unrealistic. Not only is she unlikely to do it, but you can be assured her H will not get the truth if she DOES do it. He needs to know and telling him yourself would be the most efficient and effective way.

She is not inclined to bust herself and most likely WON'T. You will never know the difference because she can tell you whatever she chooses. And all the while that this tug of war is taking place, her H lives on in complete ignorance and her marriage never gets fixed.

Secondly, I don't imagine that her H would appreciate you talking to her AT ALL since he forbid contact. Out of respect for him, I would send her a letter after you tell him the truth apologizing for disrespecting him and pledging to leave him and his marriage alone.

If you are really sincere about helping your friend, then just call the husband yourself today and give him the facts. Tell him you have stayed in touch with his W all these years behind his back and apologize. Then leave these people alone. That is the best thing you can do for your friend and her H.

I want to do the right thing. I didn't know where to turn and who to ask. I found this out 4 days ago, I haven't slept or eaten well since. the H suspected me of wanted his W, and has forbidden her from contacting me. I don't have her phone number. I don't know where he works. The only thing I know is their address. I haven't heard from her in 3 years. The SA stuff was before she was married. I have ended up becoming an ear for her, confessing and confiding things from the past. I should have broke it off, but I guess it was morbid curiosity.

If I write a letter to him I'm sure she will intercept it. The only thing I could do is stalk them at there house. I don't want a scene in front of the children. If I could call him today I would.

autdad, I would get his number and give him a call.

If you have his address you can get his phone number. You can even meet at a coffee shop or something to talk it over. Please, for the sake of every BS here on this board, please do the right thing.

There is a very good chance you will feel much better, not worse once you make the call. You came here for advice and have gotten it. Call.