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Joined: May 2006
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autdad,
are you married or partnered?
if so, have you told your partner about what is going on? I don't believe in keeping things from our partners - a friend wouldn't ask you to do something like that.
The reason I'm asking is that you seem quite emotionally invested in this woman. Of course she is just a friend, but you've admitted to feelings for her in the past and she's continued to contact you despite her husband asking her not to.
What I'm trying to say is that I agree with exposing right away. But I think you need to expose and then stay away from this woman before you get tied up in something you don't want or need to be tied up in - especially if you have a family.
Don't get me wrong - I'm all for being there for a friend...but this seems a little more complicated.
JMHO.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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autdad - all you are doing is giving her a chance to spin it.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Dec 2003
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http://www.anywho.com/rl.htmlPlug in that web address and with their address you can get their phone number, provided it is listed.
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Joined: Jan 2007
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OP
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I am divorced.
I drove to where the H worked, the co. had changed names so I could'nt find the phone #. I got the no. and called him and told him everything. I apologized for anything that could have offended him. He seemed calm and maybe was in denial. He said that I don't know for sure anything happened. But anyway it is off my chest and I can sleep now. It still disgusts me and I feel for any BS here on the forum.
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Joined: Jan 2007
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OP
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I have a couple questions for the board:
Is denial a common response from the BS?
Are you aware of the website "AshleyMadison.com" which is a meeting place for adulterers? I know it's a free country but that site pushes the limit on social responsibility
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Joined: Sep 2005
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Autdad,
You did the right thing.
You were responsible and dignified.
That’s all that you can do in your part as a bystander in your friends A.
I can tell you from my personal situation that I would have appreciated it if my FWW had even ONE true friend that would have stood up for what is right and brought honor to the table by calling me up and informing me of her adultery.
All her “friends” at the time just became enablers and encouraged her to “be happy”. None lifted a finger or treated me with even a shred of consideration.
It may even have given us a chance to avert adultery and deal with just the effects of infidelity.
As a fellow man I would like to thank you for being esteemed and courageous where you could have been silent.
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I second Plank's words. Well done.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Thanks for having the courage of your convictions, autdad. You did a very good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2005
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I have a couple questions for the board:
Is denial a common response from the BS? I think at first it is. Some of us tend not to believe the awful truth about our WS until it's staring us right in the face. That, combined with the fact that the WS' intimate knowledge of the BS puts them in the best position to pull the wool over their eyes probably explains why so many As go undiscovered. Did you give him access to key information, like dates, names, etc. that he can use to confirm the existence of the A? His WS is likely to vigorously deny the A, or minimize what she did during it. If he's armed with as much knowledge of the A as possible, he's more likely to see her denials for what they are - actions of a lying and deceitful WS.
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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I told him everything I knew. What was weird was that he told me that during a fight last fall she told him that she had briefly contacted someone on the internet and that nothing came of it. It's almost like she wanted to get caught.
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I am not an FWS, but in some of the self help books I have read, the WS sometimes are relieved to be caught, and not have to live 2 lives, and lie anymore.
As for a BS denial. I read proveing emails, and was still in denial. I sometimes am still in denial, and have to remind me self that it did happen.
Bs (27) - me
FWW (28)
Married: 06/02
D-Day: 11/05
PA: 7/04-10/04 (MOM)
EA: 9/04-D-day (with a different OM)
Daughter born 3-13-07.
Recovery Status: W acting like my W again; I missed her so much.
Read my story
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I think there could only be 2 reasons for her telling me about the affair:
1. endorsement be me which would make her feel better
2. I would expose it to her H
I can't believe she would think I would do the former. In a way this was a cry for help, she did mention how she was leading 2 lives
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Here's a follow up to anyone interested. I left a voicemail message on the work phone of the BS with all the details of WS A that I just couldn't tell him directly, it was just too much. I let him know that I would like to get together and talk face to face, and that I would let him think about that for a few days and I would call back. Well I just called him and he wants me to stay out of his families life and if I call back again he will consider that harrasment and get a restraining order. Wow. I can only imagine the spin she has put on this, it seems like they're blaming me. No good deed goes unpunished.
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Joined: Sep 2005
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Maybe, maybe not. It could be that he is upset for her being in contact with you and that his plate is too full right now.
You have done your part... nothing left to say to either one of them.
Good job.
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YES!! Tell her she needs to tell her husband or you are going to. And do it if she doesn't, it is the right thing to do.By not telling means you condone the affair.
Having been the BS, I am very angry at those that knew and did not tell or make WH tell.
Good luck, now go and do the right thing.
BS-35 (me)
WH-39
Married 10 yrs
2 daughters- 7 & 2
DDay-11/11/06
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He already did the right thing and told the H. What the H chooses to believe is on him.
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Joined: Oct 2003
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My sister tried the approach one time to encourage her friend to tell her H that she was having an A. What she told her was that she wanted friend to tell the H & then the H was supposed to call sister to let her know that friend had indeed told him. If she didn't receive that phone call, then my sister was going to make the call. It worked in her case, but not everybody does that. So the best thing to do at any time is to tell yourself. The friend may be angry, but it's cruel to tell a friend that you're having an A & expect them to just stay quiet, roll over & pretend as if what they're doing is ok. It's sickening.
You did the right thing. I agree that what the H chooses to believe is on him now. He probably already does believe everything you've said & is just having a hard time dealing w/all of it.
RBW (me) FWH lostboyz
Married for 16 years
DDay on 10/10/03
Reconciliation on 2/8/04
Son 17, Twin son & daughter 16
4 years of a strong recovery
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