I got advice that this may receive more traffic here--thanks!
I posted last year in another forum about the verbal abuse and demands i'd been receiving from my H. He would go on and on about how I was making him unhappy because I was not sexual enough, that I deserved whatever verbal abuse because of this, that he wanted to leave, etc. He had been unfaithful, both physically and emotionally in the past, and had over the last few years had periods where he stayed out really late with lady 'friends'. I've tried to keep the marriage together, trying to do what he requested, even though there has never been a payoff for me [i.e. he never became less verbal abusive or demanding]. He throws around divorce quite a bit as a threat, but the few times that I have said, 'ok let's do it' he backs down and says that he doesn't want to lose me, he doesn't mean it, etc....
I've been suspicious for quite a while about a female subordinate of his. He's dropped 'hints' about how attractive he finds her, and the times he's thrown around divorce as a threat he mentions its partly because he wants to sleep with someone else. following some of the advice on infidelity websites i've been watching him. I noticed that on the nights he's had to work late, there is a certain pattern-he calls home, says he is going to get something to eat, and then is unreachable. I noticed on the cell phone records that he would call home immediately after calling this woman, and then call home again [a couple of hours later] followed by a quick call to her.
Still I watched an waited until something came up where I HAD to get in touch with him one of those nights [an emergency]. The perfect storm. I wanted to 'catch' him with a good reason to try and track him down. When he did not respond to his work phone, or his cell phone, I called HER phone and left a message saying that I really needed to get in touch with him and since I knew that they spoke often on the phone to get that message to him.
Fireworks erupted when he called an hour later saying that she called hime to tell him I called her. I told him what the emergency was, and I noticed later from the cell phone records, that his first call was NOT to the number I gave him to call, but back to her. I then noticed calls back and forth between her and my home phone as we waited to the emergency to pass. When he got home he said that she said I phoned her 6 times, and I immediately said not true--I called only once and left a message. He asked me if I trusted him. I then related the evidence I had to him--his careful set-up of the days he had to work 'late', the enormous amount of phone calls, etc. He admitted it looked bad and I had compiled a pretty compelling case that he was having an affair. He told me there was no affair--he was mentoring her. He said she sends lots of text messages to everyone. He asked me if I was giving him an ultimatum--not to talk to her any more. He told me that he loved me. He also said he had been unfaithful in a 'thinking' way [thinking about wanting to do something], that he sometimes did things to hurt me, and that I deserved better. He told me he wanted to stay together and do what it takes to do so.
Over the next week I noticed some of the phone calls still going on [note: she only works for him one day per week] and he repeated one more time 'she said you called her 6 times' to which I repeated I called only once. After a week I had it--I asked him if he ever confronted her about why she said I called six times when I did not. He had not. I said I did not appreciate him letting this lie go on--if she really does 'talk to everyone' [as he said] than she would surely tell everyone I was a crazy woman that called her six times. He had no response to that.
Now, two weeks later, they are still calling each other, though nowhere near as frequently as before. If he denies an affair, yet the behavior continues, what do I do?
note--this is a last straw for me. I will divorce him if this is an affair, but I HAVE to have proof.
