Just an update...

I just got back from court a little while ago. Had a preliminary D hearing to try and straighten out details...finances etc. Guess it comes down to the kids being pawns to see who gets them when, and to put a $$$ amount on the years we spent together and how much he'll have to pay me. So sad that's what it's come to.

WH's attorney asked him before we went ahead with the hearing, if he wanted one last chance to reconcile. He said NO!

So I guess this is it. It should all be over in a few months. It's not what I wanted, but I can't emotionally do this anymore. I'm back to not eating and losing weight. On AD's still. Don't think they are doing a thing. I cry all the time. I'm so tired of putting on a happy face for the kids and others, when I feel like I'm dying inside.

Someone once told me that you can't make someone love you if they don't, and you can't make someone be with you if they don't want to be. Obviously WH doesn't want to do either. He's still living with OW and seems O.K with that.


I regret things I've done, wish I would have done things differently. I didn't do a great plan A or B, but it is what it is.

I tried like so many others, to never give up hope. I had so hoped I would have been the success stories like Mimi or Melody, but it just didn't work out that way. I feel like such a failure. And at times I still blame myself for not being the best wife etc. I know I shouldn't, but the what if's come haunting me.

Yeah here comes the pity party, but I can't help it. I so admire you all who have stuck through it for years. It's only been 10 mos. for me and I just feel as if I can't do it anymore.

The funny thing is when we were in family counseling the other night, the counselor asked WH if he knew what he wanted. He said no. The counsleor then asked him what it would take for him to know, and he said "time". Then he tells his attorney there is no chance of a reconcilliation. Go figure!

They say God has a plan. I was a very religious person, WH wasn't. But I hate to say that I've given up on God. A kind God would never put me or my kids through such he**, and let WH who doesn't even pray to God, get the life he wants. I hope someday to get my faith back, but right now I've lost it.


Thanks for letting me vent my story. Thanks to all of you who have helped me with your kind words and advice.

Cat

I'll come to your pitty party. I'll be over by the punch bowl if you want to talk.

Feeling for you ((((CG))))

It's a deal, as long as the punch is spiked!!!

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((((((((catgirl))))))))

I am so sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you feel. My M did not survive either. I tried, I used MB principles as best I could (never go to do a plan B as my son and custody was paramount and I went for it) and it didn't work. Sometimes the WS is just that selfish, entitled, romantically "in love" (not real love), stubborn, prideful, embarassed, whacked out, scared that you know the "real" him, etc. Oh, and lastly don't rule out a mental disorder (BPD, NPD, OCD, Sociopath, etc) or just plain bad character and spirit.

I was a damn good husband. I wasn't perfect but guess what neither was my ex ww. In fact I was a much better spouse (meeting needs, respect, giving and not taking, loyal, trustworthy, parenting, etc) than she was to me and yet she abandoned our family for another serial cheating old man 23 yrs. her senior. I tried to paint a road back for her but she would have none of it and still to this day lives with the OM. Of course she does it seeing our 2 yr. old every other weekend and that pains her, I see it. But she chose this path for herself just as your STBXH has.

You did not make him do this. You are not responsible for his decisions. You were not a bad wife, I am sure. Not perfect but who is. Was a super husband to you? I bet he wasn't but you didn't choose to go out and have an affair and destroy your family. Big difference between you and him. Big one!!

Don't beat yourself up about his decisions. Protect you and your children in court if that's where it has to go. I reminded my EX WW last night that the consequences she is now experiencing were all of her making, no one elses. She finally said for the first time "I know it's my fault". Now she doesn't want to do anything about it but at least that's a start.

Get your faith back by simply forcing yourself to believe until you can get your spirit back to where it needs to be. Make yourself believe that God has a plan for you and your children beyond STBXH. I know its hard as I have had many bouts with God over this, questioning him, sounding a lot like Job and his friends I am sure....

In any case may God bless you and your children and prepare you heart for the bright future ahead of you even though we both have a hard time seeing it for ourselves right now.

(( cat)))

HE DOES....

I am no more SUCCESSFUL than you are...

Believe me, CAT, there are other aspects of my life that have been TRAGIC and are not RESOLVED even though I have reconciled my marriage..I have been through a lot in my life..and will go through more...

Jesus who died on the cross fully understands (with his GRACE and MERCY)... our SUFFERING...

All of us have our trials..like someone told me, it's your turn, now...

LIFE IS LIKE A WHIRLIGIG/MERRY-GO-ROUND...YOU WILL HAVE YOUR UPS AND YOUR DOWNS..this is ONE OF YOUR DOWNS...

I PRAY that one day YOU WILL LOOK UP AGAIN..UP UNTIL THE HILLS FROM WHENCE COMETH YOUR HELP....

Hope,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm sorry your M didn't work out. Yes, WS's are selfish and only think of thier happiness. Very sad.

As horrible as this sounds, and it sounds horrible, forgive me, but I wish WH were dead. At least then I could move on knowing I wouldn't have to ever deal with him and OW and he could never hurt me or the kids again. Sick thinking, huh?


I hope WH's A doesn't last. OW is 17 years younger then him. I think he's in a MLC. I hope OW cheats on him like he cheated on me. She had a H who she cheated on to be with my WH, so I hope she does it again.

I guess I'm in revenge mode. Want him to hurt like he's hurt me. I know that's not healthy, but it's the best I can do at the moment.

Guess what Cat.........YOU are NORMAL....I and I am sure many, many others have had the same thoughts. In fact I know that I have talked to dozens who have said the same things you say above all the way down to "I wish _____ were dead".

This man hurt you immeasurably. Of course for some period of time you are going to feel this way. And trust me his life of misery is just beginning. It seems to work that way and that's why I think MB is great. At about the time the BS is starting to get healthy again, gain confidence, restore/grow in relationship with God, the WS starts their downward spiral. The late night fantasy rendevous is replaced by the "go to work, come home late, watch TV, fall asleep and do it again routine". The reality that they have parted w/ at least 1/2 of their financial future, the reality that they have lost close friends, family, and most importantly the respect and nightly physical contact with their children for a fantasy that cannot in the long run meet its billing. This, the lies, deciet, foundation of sand are the reasons that over 75% of affair marriages end in 5 years or less. At that point the feelings really take a nose dive as the WS realizes that the BS has moved on, perhaps happily remarried, have the respect of their children, family, friends, is confident, moving on and the WS is left with nothing, not the very thing that they gave it all up for the OP. He/she's gone. This point in life is where WS's make the fight or flight decision. Some, like alcoholics choose to change their lives, get in AA, never drink again, etc. Some call up and order a bigger shovel so that they can dig themselves a deeper hole.

Either way, you are Perfectly normal. Don't doubt it one minute. This is not about you. You have been dragged into his bad decisions, immorality, addiction, etc but you are not the cause of it and you damn well don't have to accept it.

God bless,

Mimi,

I've talked to my pastor about God several times. I told him I had lost my faith. I guess I just don't understand how a loving God could put me and my kids through such pain. Doesn't he see they need their father 24/7? Doesn't he see my DS is suffering? A 9 year old shouldn't have to go through this [email]cr@p.[/email] Doesn't he see this is affecting my DD? She is flunking out of school!

Yes, WH had free will to have the A, but why should now God allow him to be happy in his life while I am miserable? I didn't do anything wrong! WH did !

I was the "holy" one. Went to church all the time. WH never even said a prayer. Why is he getting what he wants out of life?

I know I am feeling extremely sorry for myself and am probably loooking at this all wrong. But it always seems that the peolpe who believe and have faith, suffer the most and the others who don't believe, get the life they want.

When will it be my turn? I've tried to do the right things. I didn't commit adultery. I've honored my vows. I didn't abandon my kids. Why do I have to go through this pain? Not only emotionally now, but financially. WH will be living very well after the D, on his and OW's income, while I will be struggling.

WH broke his vows, yet he's getting what he wants.

Please forgive me, I know I sound like a selfish brat, but that's the only way I can describe how I am feeling. I feel very betrayed by God right now.

Cat,

It's very normal to wish WS to be dead.... I've been there. It would be so much easier never having to see the person you loved more than anyone else with someone else.

My STXWH is also involved with a much younger woman (being nice here). She has been married twice and cheated before. And I still wish at time that she crushes my WH so he can begin to feel the pain and hurt he put his family for.

So yes we are normal as long as we don't act on those feelings to make it really come true.

SH01

Hope,

I so hope you are right. WH has been living with OW now for 10 mos. Just moved into a bigger place with her. Bought new furniture. Signed a long term lease. I just don't ever see the A ending.

We had a VERY emotional family counseling session last week. Kids were crying, sobbing, wanting their Dad back home. Did it affect WH? No! When DD asked him how he could cheat on us, he said I had served him D papers, what did DD expect him to do, crawl in a hole? (BTW, the D papers were served only after I found out he was living/sleeping with OW). I honestly, truly believe he is happy living with OW with no responsibilites of the kids. He's happy to take them a few hours a week and that's it.

As far as finances. WH makes VERY good $$. What he offered to pay me alimony, I feel, is nothing. My attorney said it is a fair offer as the courts won't let him go broke, but I know he could easily pay me more. With OW's income and what's left over from his, he will be living VERY comfortbly while we struggle. I will have to file bankruptcy. I am a SAHM, have been for years, so I have no marketable skills right now. Unfortunately the courts do not take OW's income into account, even though she is paying 1/2 rent etc. Thy only look at his oncome for alimony.

I do hope again you are right that he will wake up and see the he** he has put us through, but I doubt he ever will. If anything, his pride will prevent him from admitting he did anything wrong. He never was good at that. He still to this minute is adamant that he and OW are "just roomates". He has yet to admit to me he is having an A. But in the mean time he has ruined the kid's lives, my life, and put us in such a hole that I will probably have to sell this house now. Uproot my kids from the only home they've known, because of his actions. Such a disgrace!

catgirl,

i feel your anger, boy do i feel it. i have felt everything you are feeling. i promise you, you may not see it right now, but there is justice in the world for these things. i have to be off to work right now, but what you mind emailing me? i have some suggestions i would like to share, etc... my email is in my sig line.

i have btdt with what you are going through, please email me so i can try to help you further.

gotta run
mlhb

Hi catgirl,

I'm so sorry that people like us have to endure such pain, anger and frustration. I feel all the emotions you're feeling. This has been a particularly hard week on me as well. Just know that we at MB are here to listen to you vent and offer our suggestions and/ or experiences.

I, too, am being tossed around by my WH in our D. He's making all the decisions in this D and is showing no sympathy ever since the A started. Who knows what he's up to now except that he is definitely getting his way and it angers me! What's ironic is that his sister is engaged and they initially wanted him to officiate their wedding! What??? Having a WH officiate the wedding ceremony???!!! How sick is that? I can't believe it.

There are days that I just feel weak and abused by all this drama in my life. What gives me comfort is that God will never give up on us. We can always rely on God during the darkest moments. Just because we are believers doesn't mean we are exempt from life's challenges. Your perseverance will be a testimony to your faith. My faith has been so much stronger since the infidelity. It is my prayer that you, Catgirl, can rely on God's strength to carry you through this dark valley. God Bless you.

Ready says:



EXACTLY..BEAUTIFUL!!

((((CAT)))) YOUR DAY WILL COME...BELIEVE!!!

Ready,

Thanks. I know I'm supposed to beleive, but it is so hard to. I truly feel that God has let me down and given up on me. I do not feel close to him at all. I try to walk the right path and this is what I end up with? It's not fair. Yeah I know, life's not fair.

I guess I'm waiting for some sign or revelation to show me that yes, God is with me. But I truly feel abandoned right now.

Could this be your sign? I feel called to speak to you right now. You are not ABANDONED by the folks here.

Had you thought that EVIL SPIRITS are wanting you to turn away from GOD and to not have FAITH in HIM?

I believe that GOD takes care of those who are righteous..who BELIEVE IN HIM..and he will seek revenge upon the EVILDOERS..the infidels..unless they repent and accept HIM...

That's my belief. I'm not wanting to judge you at all if you do not share my views...

But I still say you must SEEK HIM FIRST..if you are wanting that BLESSING that you desire...

You may have received your BLESSING and you don't even know it...

I HAVE THAT KIND OF FAITH that HE makes no mistakes and all HE DOES is for the GOOD of THOSE THAT SEEK HIM and LOVE HIM...

Try reading PSALMS...also the words of JESUS in the NEW TESTAMENT...

Dear Cat,

I send you many, many warm sisterly hugs.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I truly do.

But sometimes we spend all our energy, all our hopes, all our prayers on a door that is closed to us and we fail to see other doors that God has opened...

Thanks Mimi,

I guess I just don't know HOW to seek him. I did start reading the bible. Actually went out over the weekend and purchased a woman's study bible. It's a bit easier for me to understand than the one I had. But I hate to say this, I just don't get anything out of it. Maybe I don't understand it.

I don't KNOW how to seek God.

As I said I've been religious. Gone to church every week, holy days etc. Pray everyday for me and others.Pray to the saints for help, yet it seems like I get the short end of the stick and then question why bother? The infidels as you call them are thriving. When will HE seek revenge on the infidels. WH I doubt even believes in God, yet he's happy in his choice. He could have stopped the D hearing yesterday, his attorney gave him the option, but he didnt. Why didn't God intervene then?!

I don't know if I've recieved my blessing. I don't feel it if I have.

I truly have tried to have faith and...let go, let God. I just don't get it I guess. Maybe I'm too stupid.

You're not stupid...you're sad..depressed..devastated...SOOO UNDERSTANBLE that you FEEL the way that you do..but continue to PRAY....and you will find your way out of that DARKNESS..

(((CAT)))

Lost,

I guess I'm having a hard time wondering why God closed that door. Well I guess WH closed it, but why did it happen?

I guess I think wrongly. I think that God "lets" these things happen. Whey did God "let" my WH have the A. Why did God "let" me and the kids go through this nightmare. Why did God "let" this and "let" that happen. I know I have to think differently and not blame God for everything. It's just I guess I feel that I have been faithful to God and I feel as if now I've been betrayed.