Recovery has been going wonderful and DH is doing everything right. I have access to everything. I still think ALOT about the affair. I still have a few slips where I have to ask him questions and he answers. In fact last night I stopped by the office after work before he went into a night meeting and she was still there. Trigger big time. I asked him why she was still there and he said he did not know. I was upset and DH was upset that I was letting it bother me. He said "have I not shown you that I am completly focused on you and us". He has but it still hurts. She ended up staying for the meeting and left at 9:00 but the meeting did not end until after 10:00. She had no business being at the meeting. DH said she is bitter and gives him the evil eye whenever they pass. He does not speak to her.

DH has applied for another job, has made the short list and will be interviewing shortly.

But today, I checked DH's e-mail account that he set up to communicate with her during the affair and she said "I know this is not work related but I just wanted to say Hi". DH has not checked this account since D-Day and I changed the passwords to the account so he will not be able to get in it if he tried.

Rumor is the reconcillation with her DH is done so looks like she is sending out feelers again. I so want to meet her after work and give her a piece of my mind.

I will tell him about the e-mail. Should he respond, should I respond or should we just ignore it?

Also he is doing everything right, but why do I need to obsess over the affair still. I go over e-mails, call logs, mark it all on a calender and try to pin down the days that they meet at her house or meet after work. I do really well for several days but then start all over again.
Even if I'm not going over call logs I still think about the affair EVERY day. When will this stop?

tell OW's HUSBAND about the email FIRST

~then~

tell your H

You will not even start getting better while there is contact.

This is a time of great danger of false recovery. He is not strong enough to work with her, and stay true to you. You have every right to be upset, uncomfortable, and just NOT OK with that.

Personally, I would say nothing about the email at thie point. PORH is not something that should be practiced until the A is completely over, and it's not.

Do what Pep says. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You SHOULD be seeing signs of WITHDRAWAL by now.

I don't think it's a good idea at all for him to SEE HER.

It really needs to be NC FOR LIFE.

This is an addiction and there's a good chance that she will get to him one way or the other.

Given all the above, it is perfectly NORMAL, REASONABLE and NECESSARY for you to check.

I went through 2 or more FALSE RECOVERIES because the OW got to my H.."JUST TO SAY HI"....

This last time and we have been recovered over 3 years, I listened to her repeated phone calls to his Voice Mail before he had chance to get his number changed..she used every single trick in the book...

Yes, the OW will go after him and it sounds like it's easy for her to do given his access to her...

I'm so sorry to be telling you this..but I do want your RECOVERY to be successful...

You know it has taken me all this time to finally believe that affairs are addictions. I had to live it, go through withdrawl with a year and a half of no contact with my ex before I finally understood. Now seeing him makes me physically/emotionally ill, kind of like I suppose a recovered addict feels about his drug of choice after he finally, irrevokebly kicks the nasty habit. SH says 6 months, but I think that is just the beginning of clear headeness.

Just reiterating what the others are saying.

DH never went thru withdrawl as he says he never really had feelings for her. That is evident by the e-mails. The PA lasted about 60 days. She kept pressuring him for some committment, she told him she loved him in an e-mail but he never said it. He tells me and shows me that he is thrilled that he has his wife back. Last night when we were discussing her he got upset/cried saying that he was going to take care of the problem because he couldn't bare it if things between he and I went back to the way things were before D-day. I believe him.

DH says he is disgusted by her and himself. He can't believe he fell for her lies and let himself be sucked in by her. He avoids going to her department but there have been a couple of times when he had to go there for meetings. His good buddy is the head of that department and they go to lunch regularly. He has his buddy come to him so that DH does not have to go to his dept to meet him. DH always makes a point of calling me, inviting me or stopping by with his buddy when they go to lunch. If he doesn't go to lunch then he comes home. He also comes home right after work and always checks in at 5:05 (thier code word for meeting in his office). If he has ever been late I have driven by the office and she is not there. I truly do believe that there is very limited unavoidable contact between them. But she is reaching out...

I was going to expose to OW husband's even had the e-mail drafted but never sent it. OW had recently separated from her DH when she went after my DH. As soon as my DH broke it off with her she went back to her DH. But that didn't seem to work out. I did not expose as I was afraid of the fall-out, her causing a scene at work and making things very difficult for my DH which in turns GREATLY impacts our family. I'm sitting on it until something is decided with DH's job. It's just a matter of a couple more weeks before a decision is made.

She is just a low-life piece of work, DH said she was just trying to sleep her way to the top. Of course I retorted with "well she did".

HE really is trying and my heart and head believe him. I have not stopped snooping. But right now I want to meet with her and give her a piece of mind, say things to her like how did she think a piece of trash like herself could ever truly imagining DH leaving me for her. She was just someone to [censored] when he needed someone to make him feel good. But I don't want to stoop to that level...

So given the history as stated above, would you the BS respond to the e-mail? I see it as letting her know that I know about this e-mail account, that I know everything and to stay the ****** away from my DH.

Yeah or Nay?

I'd just delete it. These OW's normally love drama, so don't give it to her. She already knows he's married, right?

If you block her name, will it show blocked the next time she trys to send one? This would be good.

Told DH about the e-mail and he was angry that she sent it.

We decided not to respond. Good idea about blocking the e-mail. I will do that now.

It was so good to come here and vent versus going to her.

BrighterFuture:

How is he going to deal with this situation?


If the above quote is correct, why do you suppose she wrote him an email?

Did DH ever write a NC letter during your recovery process?

If so then this is a direct violation of his boundries and needs to be addressed with NC letter #2.

JMHO


Best wishes in you sitch,

MyBad
______________________
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

So why am I so angry today? I should be jumping for joy.
I had been doing so well for so long. But the past couple of days I have had some major triggers and hence I read all the e-mails again and went over the phone logs again. A few of DH details did not match up and I spiraled down into anger.

I ask myself why am I trying to save this marriage? Why am I the one that has to do all the changing? He hasn't had to do anything different other than check in with me more. His life gets to carry on as if this never happened and he gets a loving, supportive wife. He has it made. Meanwhile I'm left to deal with the mess of all this. Last night when I mentioned what he said in one of the e-mails to her, he threw back at me "well I wasn't getting any attention at home". I stormed out of the bedroom then went back in and said to him, you cannont blame me for the decision that you made to do what you did and I left again and slept in the guest room. Today he is angry at me for being angry. He will say things like "back to your old self I see". I told him instead of getting mad at me for feeling this way, he could try and show compassion and understanding for my feelings. He said I have been. I said "oh but it's been 1 month since d-day and I'm just suppossed to get over it". He said nothing I do is enough for you. I know I have got to let go of this anger because it serves no purpose. I feel awful. But it's just so unfair that everything is just peachy for him. I want him to feel a tiny bit of hurt and betrayal that I feel. When I read on here that is takes up to 2 years to recover from an affair, I think that is such a LONG time to continue on this up and down ride. This is when the affair is over, I can't imagine what it would be like for those that have to battle with an on-going affair.

What can I do today to let go of this anger? Why can't he see that he should be helping me and not getting angry at me?

For one, I don't think you are doing the BASICS of RECOVERY. You didn't answer the question about the NC LETTER and in order for there to be TRUE RECOVERY, there has to be NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. Anytime that he sees her, negative interaction or not, starts the WITHDRAWAL PROCESS all over again.

Sorry. It's sounding like a FALSE RECOVERY to me..been down that road more than once...

In TRUE RECOVERY, he would be REPENTANT and SORRY..not just being accountable for his time.

Then there's the FOUR RULES OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE, meaning that you are meeting each others' primary ENs and working together as a TEAM against the OW...

By all means do not go to sleep in the other room..perfect justification in his continued foggy mind to resume his A...

My H's FOGGINESS lasted to some extent for a FULL YEAR...

You are ANGRY because this is not RECOVERY..going by your DESCRIPTION OF THE SITUATION.

Brighter

Give yourself a break!!! You are still raw from the A AND there is still contact! You should be upset. I would keep my eyes WIDE OPEN.

Trust your instincts.

I also don't like his comment:
"He can't believe he fell for her lies and let himself be sucked in by her"

It sounds like he's placing a major portion of the blame on the OW not squarely on his shoulders where it should be.

As far as your anger goes.....it takes time. Lots of it.

Journal it or come here to vent. We all understand.

(((Bright))

Been there....my Wh did just what your FWH is doing now after his 1st A. Not really giing you a chance to heal.

Truehearts letter was just here on the board yesterday... maybe print that out and ask him to read it?

So sorry you're feeling this way, I know how it feels.

Still

This is NOT the time to try and EDUCATE him. I don't think giving him that letter to read will work right now. The FOGGY WS is FIGHTING to resume the A.

The most important work needs to be on your assertion of NC FOR LIFE and continuing to meet his ENs, basically you are still in PLAN A, IMO.

Mimi,

Don't meant to TJ.... I was thinking putting the letter in with my PBL. Do you think that would be uselss as well?

My reasoning behind that if H ever get his head out of his a$$ he may ebnefit from it.

Thank,

Still

He left for work this morning and is angry with me. The last 6 weeks have been SO good between us. Mostly because he is getting everything he wants. As usual, it will have to be me to let go of my feelings to keep us moving forward. That's how it's been throughout our entire marriage which led me to having alot of resentment towards him. Didn't help me any, it didn't change the way things are. So I was trying a new way and I felt so much better. I DO NOT like feeling this way again.

But I do feel that he blames me for the affair and the OW. But over the last couple of days I am reminded that this is not the first time that he has had an inappropiate relationships with other women. They were flirty relationships, emotional affairs if you will but they never crossed the line.

So when I think about those, combined with the affair and other issues we have had in our marriage, why am I trying so hard to fight to save it? Why am I always the one that has to forgive him? Could he have been lying to me all along about the others? Am I just being a fool? A stronger woman would have kicked his cheating [censored] to the curb and not looked back.

My heart hurts so much today. I feel I'm right back to the day after D-day. The knot in my stomach won't go away. This is not the person I want to be. But I want him to do some things for ME. Anyone else feel this way?

mimi,

He has been repentant and sorry towards me, but he feels now I need to let go. He feels I'm the one hanging on.
I try really hard not to obsess over the affair and when I do then I'm the one that starts to feel bad. Just like the resentment I had towards him prior to d-day, is not serving me any purpose to do what I am doing. It is only dragging ME down. I need to stop for my own well being, regardless of DH. But it is so hard.

He did write a NC letter and accept for the few instances at work there has not been any contact.

Yes I absoultely know where you are coming from. Those were feelings I felt after the 1st A. I honestly felt like I was doing all the work. He didn't hesitate to tell me what I was doing wrong. Everything went well as long as everything went his way. Looking back on it now we weer not in recovery at all. In oreder to be in recovery both parties need to be willing to work on it. If I slipped a little it was " see you'll never change, you are never satisfied".
Do you want to know what I was asking.... that he call me at work, tell me I looked nice once in a while, compliment me when I had my hair done. Thank me for making dinner. Once in a while bring me flowers (this he did ocassionally... but with prodding from me). Kiss me and give me hugs. I really wasn't asking for a whole lot.
After this current A he is completely gone... as soon as I found out he was sleeping on the couch... and moved out 2 weeks later. Wouldn't even attempt an I'm sorry.
That's where I am now....wanting to put this D on hold. Wondering why the he!! I want to do this. Every time I have interactions with him he makes it loud and clear that he doesn't want to be near me. I keep telling myself that this is a stranger and maybe soon it'll sink in.

I'm so sorry for the hurt you're feeling... I wish I could make it go away.

Still