Hi. I've been checking this site out for the past few days, and I really need to tell my story. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, after a 3 month (!) courtship. It was a whirlwind romance, but things changed along the way. We were soulmates, best friends, and lovers-Everything was perfect.

Then we had a baby, and I was a stay at home dad for 1.5 years. I became dependent, clingy, and needy of her. Also, She came to feel abandoned several times, when I was actually doing things for our future (One was going out of state for two weeks to fix up a house we bought, the other was taking a job where I am gone for 28 days, then back in Denver for 28 days).

I have always tried to accomodate her and be a good, reassuring husband, supporting her dreams of being a professor. I did this mostly because of her traumatic childhood, and wanted to take care of her and give her the good life she deserves. However, now I believe that in doing so, she missed the challenges and struggles of her previous traumatic relationships, and became bored with me.

Now she's in school, hanging out with single college kids all the time (She's 30), independent, and going through many changes. She's happy where she is now, and says it's because of me, but she no longer is in love with me, feels trapped by our marriage, and needs space. This was in January.

Over the months since then, I became suspicious of an affair with one of her classmates (a married man), and started checking her emails at the beginning of April. Luckily I was at work in Houston, and not at home, because I was devastated by the huge amounts of emails professing their love for one another, graphic descriptions of what they were gonna do together, how she was never in love with me, how I hit her and abandoned her (I have never laid a finger on her).

I told both our families about it (big mistake) before confronting her several weeks ago on the phone. She denies it all (of course), and swears it was a set up to see if I was snooping. She wants a divorce, but at the same time wants counseling. I suspect I stopped meeting her emotional needs somewhere along the way, but I want to correct that. And I'm striving to be independent of her, to carve out my own life again.

I just don't know what to do- I have come to terms with the affair, I just wish she would be truthful and start focusing on me meeting her needs.

I'm ordering SAA today, and I already have HNHN. I travel for work, so I need to wait till I get home in two days to get finances in order. She handles the bills, and we have joint accounts, so I need to figure out where everything is and transfer money to a separate acct. She'll still need to handle the bills, since I travel.

But I do think I'll tell OM's wife, just have to figure out how. I have OM's full name, phone #, address, and wife's name- it's just a matter of finding the right time.

WW's family and my family know about it, but she's told everyone it's a setup. I just checked her cell phone records, and she's still calling and texting OM at all hours of the day while I'm gone. I also have all of their emails printed out, so I know what's going on, but she'll deny everything.

She's already said she wants a divorce, but she still loves me and has agreed to joint physical custody of the boys while I'm home (verbal agreement only). She's changing the older boy's last name to my last name (he's hers from another man- I have no legal right), and she says she's keeping my last name also, so the family can have some stability (WTF?) She also wants me to live in the house with them after the divorce (WTF?) I told her no.

I was already planning on getting independent and taking care of myself, showing her the changes I'm making (not telling her, showing her), so Plan A will be coming together shortly. But if we go through with divorce, CO only requires a 90 day separation before final decree. I'm still in a fog myself over all of this, but I'm trying to stay level headed- I'm on antidepressants now, but I need to up my dosage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Never thought anything like this would happen to me...

Welcome RK to MarriageBuilders...

I'm so sorry you are here due to infidelity in your marriage, and very glad you found this website.

I wanted to recommend a counselor here in Denver: New Beginnings .

Your WW's desire to divorce and to get counseling isn't unusual--being wayward makes the world inside out...and the whole time, feels real...it's not.

This is where my WH and I went when he was in his A. He wanted a divorce and agreed to counseling. We had separate goals and we are now far into recovery. I don't believe we would have made if we'd not chosen to go.

You can choose as your goal to save your marriage. You can focus and work towards that goal...with a might Plan A (complete exposure to OMW, learn what your LBs are and elimiate them) and counseling. Please consider choosing this as your goal not based on her wants, on yours.

Next, about your job...which takes you away from your family for 28 days straight...would you consider transferring or changing jobs? I ask because I thought, possibly, going from always there to only there half the year (in total), was a big extreme. Like it was your choice to break your too-deep dependency with too much independence.

I'm delighted you are not fighting to convince her of her A...way to go knowing she's in one and exposing. Big kudos there. Do so to OMW asap, 'k? It's part of Plan A...to live from truth.

You can lose the WTF's...I say this because she's in a fantasy world right now...please do not take her stuff to make sense in reality. It won't. You can read up on Orchid's Reverse Babble...and do listen and repeat...where you hand back her words soaking in reality...respectfully.

The 90-day separation thing here isn't a slam dunk. You've got a child together and you are contesting. Please get to know your marital rights...and believe me, if she hasn't filed, she most likely won't...her fog has no real direction.

Stay clear as day in your own. You're doing great with the AD's and saying "No" to your WW's fog.

About the set-up for snooping fogese..."I will do what is necessary to save my marriage." Assure her you will...because that's your goal...and it's a wonderful goal. Totally your choice. Seems to me this is the road where you learn the balance of marriage...interdependency...that middle ground you've yearned for...so no matter the outcome (which you have no control of), you'll understand and know more than you did before.

You didn't make her have an A...you aren't that powerful. Her A is all about her...her false self-comfort through fantasy. Be the reality bringer...live in your home (no separation), Plan A, keep posting here and know you're not alone, you're not crazy.

You are level-headed...it's your heart that's in an uproar right now. You may feel like this is all your fault...not even close, 'k?

LA

Thanks, Loving... I can't seem to find any contact info for his wife, and I don't think she lives in Boulder with him, but maybe Montana, where he's from. I know my wife has been to dinner with both of them, and said the wife gave her dirty looks the whole time. Now I know why... So I'm not even sure I can contact her, without going to their house and ringing the doorbell.

I'm not even sure what my LB's are, so I need to do some real thinking about that... She's so contradictory- she swears my job isnt the problem, then cries to everyone else that it is, and I abandoned her. I plan on trying to find something else, but I took this job in Houston because I couldn't find anything in Denver. My only concern is giving up the job, then getting divorced. I want joint physical custody, and this job facilitates that. But I also want to save my marriage.

My concern is that once I expose the affair to everyone, we'll get divorced, and she'll reneg on the joint custody. It's only a verbal agreement at this point. Also, she's very controlling and manipulative, she could have me arrested for false allegations of abuse or something- I think she's capable of anything at this point. Any suggestions for how to educate myself on marital rights, process?

Also, she's been married before, and basically got the guy to walk away and leave her everything- She's has a bit of a pattern with getting bored in relationships. She also says that she's sure of who she is now, and very happy, and is basically telling everyone that we are separated now, which we aren't. I'm just afraid I'm living with a loose cannon.

We are going to counseling every Friday I am home (Dr. David Kieffer in Broomfield), but she says she wanted to try at one time for me, not for herself, and she doesn't want to try now. I'm not even sure why she's going to counseling.

What's Orchid's Reverse Babble, and what are AD's?

I definitely have a lot of studying to do- I'll be around here quite a bit.

RK,

AD's...Antidepressants. I saw your thread requesting the link to RB...it's in Orchid's sigline, in case you lose it.

Did your counselor as her what her goal was for counseling in the first session?

Did he say that in order to make a healthy decision about divorce she must stop all contact with OM?

These are signs of pro-marriage counselors, I think.

When I said to expose...and to look it at it as an act from truth...not manipulation, then your concern that if you do, then she'll do...that looped way of living, stops.

As a human being, you can only control your stuff. You cannot control anyone else's, even a spouse. What she chooses will remain hers...she may blame, justify and believe it's because of what you did. That's part of the fantasy. Reality is, she chooses. You choose. Make sure you're choosing from your goal, your code...not based on possible response.

Stay focused on what is within your control...do the LB questionnaire as best you can through her eyes and the EN questionnaire on her as best you know. To give you some plan point to focus on. Focusing on what she's doing or not doing now, what she is saying...that will twist your mind up. Fog does that.

I do understand your conflicting desires here...which is why we can't really go into this basing our choices on possible responses...rather, on our own highest honesty.

You married her knowing she did this to someone else and you discounted it. Don't discount and do not dissuade yourself now. Align to what you know about you...what your highest priorities are in your life and which comes first.

For exposing to OMW...whatever it takes, it's the right thing to do. Find a way...by letter, calls when he's in class...doorbells ringing. I know you can do it.

Marital rights in Colorado...there's a bunch of stuff on a website when I was doing research years ago. I don't know now. I may have some stuff at work which might help.

As for her being sure of herself now...please, do not buy into her beliefs...listen and repeat. Do not agree. It's absurd. I remember. Nutsy. Those are feeling she's talking about...surging ones...feeling false power. All WS's are loose cannon's...they are living from fantasy.

Stay in reality and bring it. "I know you are choosing to break apart another family." She did it before, is what I hear you saying...and she'll do it again and again. She believes in replacing people to make herself complete. Please know the truth...she already is complete. We don't complete one another...sure feels like it in the beginning...and those same completing things are what break us apart...until we wake up, we don't get it. Let this be where you learn and know what is your own separately from hers.

I suggest going to Al-Anon, as well, for your support and learning.

LA

Robb,

Welcome, you are among some of the finest people I know. You are also exposing your name and all the possible repercussions that can come of it. I can get an enormous amount of info just by Googleing your name.

Please send a note to the moderators and ask them to remove all your posts ASAP then rejoin with a much more anonymous handle.

Cy - he can just change his screen/display name......