Work on what you need to. I guarantee I am out of the picture. Thanks for the civility.

I emailed you. I would like to hear what you have to say.

I responded, thanks.

Otherguy...just a thought. What are you doing to repair the damage in your own marriage now? Have you considered inviting your wife here to learn how to cope with her own betrayel by you?

You might consider doing so...the tools here are exactly what's needed to help recover a marriage from infidelity. And from all appearances this was an emotional affair. It 'went too far'...and it's going to be VERY tough for your wife to deal with, and your marriage to recover from...trust me.

Thoughts?

The honest answer is "I don't know, yet."

Have you told her the complete and full story of what's gone on...or have you kept it minimal 'because I don't want to hurt her more than I have to"?

Not attacking you here....but I've been in her shoes, and I'm telling you what you really need to do to move forward here. You have to make the serious effort to step outside of what YOU want here, and work on getting things right long term for ALL of you.

And please realize I know what I'm talking about...we're 3 years recovered now, and our marriage is better now than it was for YEARS. But it never could have happened if SHE hadn't taken her steps to fix things too.

Think about what SHE is going to need to make it through this...think about what your marriage will need to recover from this. Even if you're not sure you WANT to recover it, don't you at least owe it to her and your marriage to make every effort to fix the marriage before you end it?

And I'm really sorry for the threadjack here...my intent is to help everyone. And honestly, if Otherguy takes the steps to recover HIS marriage, it's a safegaurd for the other marriage as well.

I gave her full disclosure.

I don't see it as a threadjack. The origonal reason for the thread has changed.

Both of us need help in restoring our marriages. OG I hope you will stay here and seek help from others. They are a great group of friends to have. Friends that will always put the marriage first. I have learned a lot from them and still have a long way to go.

On the other side, NC goes for us as well. I will start a new thread or you can. I wish only the best for you in your marriage.

I may do just that and stick around. Most everyone seems very civil and reasonable. Thanks, all. I just came to apologize, but actually learned a thing or two as well.

Well, I'll offer you this fair warning, OG. There are a lot of people who likely won't cut you much slack. I tend to be a little more understanding of things...but if you've followed some of the other threads here, you'll find that often people will 'tell it exactly how they feel'. You might want to be prepared to hear that.

Here's the interesting thing...you're likely to learn AT LEAST as much...probably MORE...from those that you'll feel are attacking you. I heartily recommend that you stay even through that...because what you'll learn from them and others here could be the most important things you CAN learn about improving your current situation. Seriously.

Given that...the idea of starting your own thread or taking this one over seems reasonable to me. How about some background on YOUR marital situation? Kids? How long married? What led to YOUR side of things here?

I certainly wasn't looking for sympathy. My situation is that she's great, but the 2 kids make it easy to not give each other any time, therefore looking for attention becomes easy, and somewhat desirable.

Otherguy, 22 Devastated here. I have to apologize for having gone off on you earlier. Please open up to these
knowlegable folks and let them help you. It takes a whale of a man to enter a forum like this and admit what you did. The more I read from you, the more I know you have cahoneys. your wife should be well pleased that you have admitted your wrong in such a public forum. And I assume are being truthful. Ask anyone here.."WS's Lie". To bring your reconcilliation along, continue to just suck it up and be truthful. Everyone here will tell you that every time your BS finds out a truth, it extends her mourning period. Don't sugar coat anything to her and you will recover beautifully. This is a 2 edged sword...maybe you need to trade baby sitting with friends or parents to respark your marriage. Talk to us, all of us will try to help. i was just defensive of BH earlier. He struck such a cord with me. I want to continue to help him as well. Marriage is for as long as you breathe, absent abuse or drugs. Welcome

Zuzus_Petals, here.

I'm sure that this is going to do no good, but...

I'm going to post anyway.

I have not pushed OG for any explanations. I only contacted him twice after he said no contact. Once to say: Thanks for cutting contact and good luck, the other to say something that I was going to say before that concerned him, that really might have been of concern to him.

I would think that pushing for explanations would be to say "Why are you doing this," etc.

But I'm not about to hash this out on the board with him. I hope that he finds MB helpful. And, as I recall, I told him about it BEFORE I left my husband. And I tried to cut contact with him on a couple of occasions, but as I was concerned about him, wanted to allow him his say. He wanted to keep it "just friends."

Against my better judgment, I tried it.

He has already had my verbal confirmation, as has BH, that he is not to blame for the downfall of my marriage. He is not party to that, at all.

There is no way Plan A will work right now, not because of OG, but because of the relationship, or rather non-relationship, I had with BH.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Next, I don't owe brokenhusband anything. Not a thing. For 11 years, I was abused by HIM. For 11 years, all my words were twisted into lies to beat me up with.

For 11 years, I lived with him threatening to harm me or trying to bully his way into making decisions that were MINE to make. And yes, he HAS struck our kids. He did hit me when WE thought I was pregnant. Still don't know if I was.

There are half truths here, that he continues. It is the way of an abuser. For anyone who isn't TRULY intimately familiar with Domestic Violence, I suggest you read "Why Does He Do That?"

And BH has a LONG!!!! way to go before I will even be interested in the possibility of even maybe TRYING again with him.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I never claimed to be. Not once have I ever claimed that status. And those of you who know me and are trying to flame me for my mistakes, you must have had me on some sort of pedestal, much like BH. No thanks.

I'm not afraid of heights, but I know I don't belong up on some pole to be worshipped, uncomfortable, and unable to be normal.

As far as I can tell, this isn't going to be another "MB success story" because it's NOT MB!!!! MB doesn't work with abuse!!! End of it!

Kudos to BH for attempting to make himself a better man. Our children need that.

Yes, I AM working on making myself a better mother. NO interest, whatsoever in diving into a RL relationship...nor an internet one. I'm glad it's over.

I have no interest in my former relationship, either. It's dead. Gone. I have no hope for it, any longer. But I do have hope for myself. I do have hope for my children.

And I want to have hope that BH will continue down his road to making himself whole.

~ZP

OMG! This is SO funny! Out of curiosity, I thought I'd try BH's old email address. I can't get in! Imagine that!!! ROFL!

What's so funny is that he's been reading as much of my email and other materials as he can get his controlling little fingers on, giving out my private email addy that I did NOT give to him, based on my counselor's recommendation (familiar with DV, she is), and he doesn't want me in his stuff!

RICH! Too hilarious!

~ZP

YPIM,

Were you suspecting him of an affair? Is that why you tried to check his email?

LA

ZP - You sound very angry. This is a common reaction when a wayward spouse's fog has been stirred.

Did you, or did you not, tell your BH that you were "emotionally attracted" to OG?

You say your H "struck" the kids. Do you mean punched with a fist, smacked in the head, or spanked? Yes, I think there ARE half-truths here. I do not believe BH is solely to blame for the erosion of your marriage and if you believe that, you have a long way to go before you are healthy. Your H appears to genuinely want counseling and I think it would be a good idea, if only for the sake of your children, that you cooperate in that endeavor.

By the way, since you don't "owe" BH anything, is there any particular reason you feel he owes YOU rent payments on your new digs? He must have some nice bones in his body to consider helping you above and beyond what is basically a child support payment. I'd tell you get out there and get a job since you want to live on your own. That's what people do. People who aren't in a fog, that is.

Btw, you're wayward, so snooping is allowed by BH. You're wantin' to do a little snooping of your own? Interesting. I'm pretty disgusted with your actions, if it wasn't clear with my original comments. Not sure where you're getting pedestal perfection, it's certainly not from me. I really thought you knew better than what you're doing. Quit the games, the he said/she said, and figure stuff out maturely! Try a marital counselor, not an online emotional affair...like THAT would go anywhere GOOD?? Shaking head. Star says it's important to earn your way out of a marriage...I don't see you earning anything EITHER way. Get to work! Or are you just going to sit there and laugh. Ugh.

The only reason I would care if he was having an affair is for the kids' sakes. And yes, I understand how my EA impacted them.

No, I was just curious, because he didn't bother to tell me that he read the email I sent to his sister with my resume in it. He didn't even ask for permission to give out my email address. He just did, and I only found out when a friend emailed me and copied to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I thought he wanted openness and honesty, like Dr. Harley prescribes. It doesn't appear that way to me, as he's keeping his email under lock and key. *thinking*

I just thought that since he wanted access to my stuff, he might be interested in keeping his open.

Oh, and since everyone already knows my former screen name, I request, respectfully, of course, that you call me ZP or Zuzus, or any of the other names my familiars call me. I like that name better. *cool* Of course, you're free not to do that.

~ZP

How do I sound "angry" to you?

I thought I was rather respectful...in everything I said, in spite of making corrections to what OG and BH said.

Of course, I am deeply hurt by BH's actions. And yes, that brings the natural response of being angry. Yes, I have been angry with him on the phone for making claims of agreements I never made, and posting such things here. He needs the help, though, so I've never stepped in, until now.

All I wanted to do was clear the air about what OG was referring to--not for OG. He's got his own kettle of fish. But for those trying to help BH.

Oh, and a misconception so common of BH. I don't want anything from him, but I sure do need to take care of my kids.

He brought up rent payment, and I did say that I would NEED (not that HE should PAY) first and last mos rent.

What digs? I would like our OLD clothes and such, at some point in time. I've been trying to hold off on buying new clothes, unless absolutely necessary.

I don't want him to pay for anything pertaining to me. I just would like to have some money that is under *MY* control in case of car repairs (just replaced the battery on my OLD car, just took the younger dd to the dentist)...I know how he is typically with money, and he's already told you about that, so I don't think I need to explain further.