Triggers - they are the worst.....

I mean, I experienced them before, and did not understand what they were. Now that I found out my WW had an EA, there are so many triggers it is making me sick....here is a small list of them...

-OM name - unfortunately, his name is not Antonious - it is a very common name, and EVERYTIME I hear the name my stomach rolls....
-Dates - any date - when I hear or see a date, I immediately calculate if it was before WW went wayward and we were happy, if it was during her secretive A or post DDay.
-Any song with "love" in it - pretty much all of them, unfortunately...
-Hearing WW voice on voicemail - wonder how many times OM called and got her voice and liked the sound of it like I do
-Movies - same thing as dates, especially if WW and I saw it together
-The word divorce, affair and cheating - I live in IL, so I do not know if you heard about the Divorce lawyer's billboard - "Life is Short - Get a Divorce" with a woman in a bikini and a shirtless male on either side of the quote - it was on the news almost everyday - made me sick
-The name of where my WW works - I think it is part of why she went wayward

So many more, but those are the main culprits.

Do these triggers lessen over time - I pray they do because I do not know how I could handle being like this 3 years from now.

It is the WORST "gift" I have ever received - no matter if we reconcile or not, I am going to have these triggers forever - THAT is what really bothers me!!

I really do not think us BS deserve THAT, no matter how bad of a spouse we were pre A.....

Nowwhat74

I read your thread- how are you going to handle that conference?

Did you expose to his wife? You really need to do so.

as for triggers, they do lessen. I had many of the same ones you do. Really, it does lessen with time especially if your spouse is actively trying with you to recover.

Funny, hearing my WH's voice does not bother me at all. His voice is on my answering machine, and hearing it actually brings me comfort because it was recorded BEFORE the affair started.

The things I find hard are the lack of phone calls to work in the afternoons. He used to call me every afternoon to chat.

Other than that, I pretty much have put a little wall around my heart that only my H can break down. I am not letting ANYTHING get to me if I do not want it to. I had no idea I was this strong, but, it's amazing what God will do for you if you ask Him.

This has changed me so much. For the better believe it or not.

I read your thread and agree with Moveforward that triggers do lessen with time.

I was at a professional conference last year during our 32nd wedding anniversary. My H let my evening calls go into voice mail (I discovered after seeing the phone bill) while he talked for hours and had phone sex with that OW.

This year, he is driving the 4 hours to this 3 day conference, even if I will be involved from 8 AM until 10 PM. (He's bringing his fishing gear.)

NW74, hang in there. We made it through withdrawal before we found MB and got the help we needed to start recovery from posters on these forums.

Our missing link was Exposure to OPS. Have you told his wife? See my sig line to see what might result from not revealing to her what she has a right to know. She can even be an added set of eyes which will help lessen the triggers eventually.

Ace

NW74,

I'm in IL myself, about 45 minutes from "THE city," as in Windy...

I had a whole list of triggers that drove me crazy. BTW, the billboard is not so much a trigger for me as it is a symbol of what our society has come to. I don't like it a bit.

As has been said, triggers do diminish with time. Unfortunately, that time seems like eternity.

Some things can be done to help with them. Assuming that your W has completed withdrawal, which may not yet be the case, some of those things can be reclaimed as your own. By that I mean that new memories can be created around the same events, places and things that can make them as much good memories as they relate to the bad ones.

For me. fishing is something I not only do, but a part of what I am. It was at the beginning of a fishing trip that we had Dday. It was while on that trip My W called and told me she wanted a divorce. Many of her contacts with OM happened while I was fishing. It all just sort of took the joy out of my pastime.

The biggest help to overcome that trigger was that my W went fishing with me a few times. I still don't get out as often as I once did on my own, but it has more to do with a change in my priorities than with triggering while I'm fishing.

Another trigger for me was our vacation cottage, which is where I was when all of this came down on me. It was there that I confronted my W and there that I was trying to fish when she called me to say she wanted a divorce. The solution for me was that she and I now spend more time there together, whether I am fishing or not. It has become OUR get away instead of mine.

Another trigger was my wife's step-mother's house. It was there that she met OM while taking care of step-mom's affairs while she was on active duty with the Army. Last August, only 3 months after Dday, we made a trip there to the place for our 33rd anniversary. OM was gone for the weekend and was only seen in the distance just before we left.

Some triggers can be eliminated all together. A car that was used as a place of contact during the A can be traded off and a NEW one, that was shopped for by both H & W can replace it, for example.

Jobs are harder to deal with for some. A job that has been held for a long time and was the place where the A started is a good example of this. While it may seem that a great job needs to be held onto at any cost, the decision needs to be made which is more important, the job or the marriage.

Unfortunately, this is a choice your W needs to make. Also unfortunately, you are not yet in a position to suggest it to her since she really needs to be focused on the healing aspects of the recovery before she is likely to even see the problem.

I understand the VM issues completely. While my W was out of the country for two weeks, I would call her cell phone, knowing it was on the dresser at home and not even with her, just so I could hear her voice while she was half way around the world.

During her A, I got her VM almost every single time I called her. She answered maybe one percent of my calls during that time. The solution there seems to be that she now answers my calls instead of letting them go to VM and if I leave her a message, she calls me back soon after, at least to let me know she got the call even if she can't talk at the time.

It all takes so much time to work through and none of the triggers go away completely, at least from my limited experience with the one year anniversary of Dday being today, but we are even trying to deal with that by doing something together tonight.

Suffice it to say that you can overcome triggers given enough time and support from her and assuming that recovery of the M is the goal of both of you.

If you are near Chitown, drop me an email (addy is in my profile) and we can talk in person if you would like.

Mark

Yes, the triggers do lessen over time. Are you going to the conference with her? It does not matter if she does not come back to the room till 10. You should go with her. Spend what time with her that you can, even if it is just at night in bed.
Lake

I screwed up posting here - in my sig has my original story - that sorta died so I started this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3237327

That will catch you up with my story.

No, I am not going to the conference because he will not be there - I know he will not be there because me and his wife talk if there is contact or if one of them is going out of town - she will call me if he leaves for a trip anywhere (me and her get along pretty well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Our problem is she wants to be alone - not married and not with OM (he is working on his marriage with his BW, so that option isn't open - another reason exposure is the key)

She says she does not have feelings for me and we are going to counseling, both joint and IC.

I have been doing an OK Plan A - trying to improve - in fact, we have a date night tonight.

As for triggers, another one is when she is on the other line on her cell - our service rings extra long with a defined beep to let you know. Everytime I hera that I cringe and find myself asking later "Who was that?" which is DUMB because she knows why I am asking and if it was him she would just lie anyways...

I'll update you later on how the evening went <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks all!

Nowwhat74

Hi, NW.

Suggest that the two of you turn off cells for the duration of the date.

Imagine that, uninterrupted time without the intervention of an electronic device.

God bless,
Gimble

yes, triggers are the worst. For me, everytime I see a pregnant woman I start crying.. still. Because I was pregnant when Dday #1 happened. Awful sick feeling in the stomach huh?

NW74,

How did the date Saturday night go? Checking on update.

Unfortuneately, very well - I say that because whenever it goes really well, I find expectations we are "back to normal" which makes the next day even harder.

We spent the night shopping for clothes for her (I think it helps her self esteem, plus I think she thinks she deserves some material items since I went out and bought a new Mazda 3 on Thursday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

(Side note: My car was a 1997 Saturn SL2 - my first car - she knew I needed a new car, and even in her fog speak said if we divorced, she would set aside 15K for me for a new car because it would not be fair since she has a 2005 Accord - I just decided to surprise buy the car in case things did not work out and she reniged on the $$ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

Went to dinner, had a great conversation - only one bad thing came up - the OM - we just saw Gridiron Gang, and I asked her if she thought the Rock was hot cause if his body - long story short, she wondered why I would ask, and she thought I knew the OM was a big guy (I am 6'1", 170, he is 6'2", 240) and that I was trying to compare myself to him.

Otherwise, the night went well - the only other mistake I made was asking to go out of town sometime - I am just sick of us having to have her mom babysit DS and then us spend the night there - I am in enemy territory then!

She is not comfortable with that and said let's take things one day at a time, to which I agreed.

Mother's Day was hard - spent 30 minutes crying in bathroom while getting ready because it made me sick thinking about her loving another man, then worrying that now she likes beefy guys, and not scrawny accountants like myself. Trigger, trigger, trigger until brunch. It was brutal.

Rest of the day was good, tho - we played with DS outside, went out for Ice Cream then finished Gridiron Gang. She is in bed and now I am here with you guys and gals <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

It is weird (and I am rambling now, I know) but I am almost worse now than before when I found out about the A - I have stopped asking about OM and contact, I know they are working on their marriage, we are in counseling, yet I cannot let go of the fact that, no matter the outcome, my life is going to SUCK for the next couple of years.

If we do not stay married, I will hate my WW for the rest of her life, and I will have to co parent with her, which I do not want to do - we SHOULD be a FAMILY!

If we do stay together, I will never look at her the same, I will trigger for awhile, and then hjave to deal with the resentment stage, all along worrying if she will be faithful, or next time she doesn't like me will she cheat again??

On top of that, Affection is my #1 EN and SF is my second, of which I am not receiving either - we have not slept in the same bed in almost a month. I miss being close with my W. That is what is so hard - we have a good time, laugh and goof around like old times, except it is like I am just her friend. I do not know how long I can take this....I know it is a marathon...I think I just needed to vent.

Thanks guys and gals - talk to you soon!

NW74

NW74,

Thanks for sharing. Many inspiring stories on these threads. Time heals.....it sucks, I know but it's true.

Hang in there and keep reading. Others have recovered from dire situations like yours. Your frame of mind is one of the factors that will determine your success or failure.

Ace

Ace,

Thank you for taking the time to respons to my posts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I try to stay 100% positive in front of my WW - negativity were one of my traits that I found out she did not like.

She does not see me breakdown, nor does DS - I know when I am gonna lose it and I scurry to the basement to do something, get control of myself and return to Happy NW74!

Talk to you soon

NW74

me too! I wonder how it would be to have a man be happy about the baby instead of ignoring me and running off to his secret A. D-day was at 7 mos pregnant. I spent the rest of my pregnancy alone, not that H was really there in the begining. That child is now 20 and he is wonderful. How sad for us. I do feel sad for myself every once in awhile.

The WW and I are attending joint MC - we are also using the same therapist for IC.

Joint MC has been great - really, really helppful.

It is the IC that worries me...

In my IC today the therapist discussed how our marriage was probably broken from the start due to my WW low self esteem.

I cannot imagine how my WW will handle this coming from the therapist - it really worries me that our IC could end up ruining any chance of recovery.

Anyone else have bad experiences like this in IC?

I am scared to bring up changing therapist because WW likes her and we have spent almost 2 months with her already - starting over would be hard, but I would definitely do it if I thought it would help - the problem is I do not know if all I am doing is looking for a counselor who will say what I want to hear instead of the truth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Nowwhat74

Is it ok to calmly discuss the pain the A has caused you, and to ask if there has been contact?

Or is it a waste of time.

This situation is so strange in terms of I do not think she really wants to be with the OM, I think she is hurt she had the A and confused.

I am scared to bring up A for fear of making er think about him (which I am sure she is doing anyway), but at the same time I would like to be honest with her when things are bothering me - this happy, happy Plan A is getting to me...

Nowwhat74

Two more questions:

A) I am still in Pla A - I no longer say I love you, but I began placing notes wishing her a good day in different places (her purse, her car, etc.) I also began texting/emailing her a compliment once per day - nothing heavy, something like "I like the sound of your voice."

She has said it makes her feel bad because she does not want to send me the same messages. So I am torn - I want to continue to tell her these things without saying I love you (she knows I still do), but I also want to respect her wishes of not feeling comfortable - Open and Honest, Admiration and Affection are 3 of her top 5 ENs.

b) Is it ok to email/text her the following message:

WW,

I just want you to know that I love my family with all of my heart, and will do whatever you need and whatever it takes to keep us together.

I am sorry it took almost losing my family to realize how much my family means to me.

BH

Or should I wait until we are in recovery to tell her this (she still is trying to figure out if she wants to stay married)

Thanks again!

Nowwhat74

NW74,

You might change (edit) your original first post "trigger" title and ask for Plan A help. (Maybe even start a new thread.)

Have you researched the PLAN A/B forum and articles?

I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you, but that might generate more responses.

Ace

Done - and I have learned quite a bit from the forums and tips here - these two specific questions are because there is a conflict - in one way I should do them and in another it is making her uncomfortable - trying to figure out if the discomfort could be overidden because she feels bad because she will not reciprocate.

This, to me is not a big deal because, in Plan A, have NO EXPECTATIONS, so I do not expect reciprication...she does not understand this, but she does not know Plan A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nowwhat74

One more question - I have a sneaking suspicion it may have gone PA in April - she is not home and is at the May conference - is it ok to ask the question over the phone, because I am REALLY anxious about the answer, but I am worried I may miss out on non verbal queues when she answers over the phone - I have asked her before, but we are in a more honest time now than before - OTOH, she is still WW so she may just lie again.

Man I hate this crap.

Nowwhat74