Hi All,

I could do with a bit of advice here if possible. I am off to see my solicitor tomorrow and I'm still not sure what I should be doing.

I understand that if I file for divorce on the grounds of adultery my WW will have to pay the cost, which would possibly have to come from the sale of the house. I have spoken to my kids and they don't want us to divorce so I'm reluctant to go that route, but would consider it if it was the only way to have my WW leave the family home to prevent OM stepping foot in.

My kids seem to me ok with the fact we may have to sell the home and think it would fair if we found separate houses. Although deep down I know they would like to stay at home but don't want to be questioning their loyalties.

I really do want to save my marriage but it is becoming a big strain not just on me but others and I see nothing from my WW to suggest she intends to even look at anything other than separation.

If it wasn't for the fact I'm going on holiday with my In-Laws in a few weeks I would just move back and see my WW move out if that is what she decided and if nothing is agreed by the time I come back than I will move back home.

I received a letter from my WW solicitor the other day stating they would be happy for me to divorce my WW on the grounds of adultery but she hasn't said that directly when I've asked her. She has said in anger "divorce me if I'm that bad" when I've tried to agree things with her so I don't respond.

Not sure what to do here. I just feel I'm going round in circles. I want to show that I don't care and have moved on and selling the house or filing for divorce gives that impression I think. Can we get back together after a divorce, is it possible or does it give completely the wrong message.

HAF

Divorce on the correct ground on your timeframe. Request the house be kept for the sake of the children and she will have to go find her $$ elsewhere.

L.

Ok, Just come back from my solicitors.

I have 3 options:

1 Divorce my WW.

2 Go back to mediation to agree a deed of separation.

3 Do nothing and wait.

Option 1 means my wife will probably get to keep the house until the kids are 18yrs old and OM can't move in and if he does the house will be sold. However I can't stop him coming to the house

Option 2 means we find an agreement but I can't see my WW agreeing to me keeping the house and moving out means OM gets his feet under my table. My thoughts on this are I sell the endowments and give her enough money to furnish something else and put the rest towards the mortgage, but I can't see her agreeing to that and she will try to get me to move out.

Option 3 I wait and see if my WW follows divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. This could take as long as 9 months to get sorted and the outcome will be the same if I divorce her. I'm entitled to live in my home until I'm told otherwise. This is my only option I think.

All decide now!

I agree with you on Option 3, (if it were me). Based on what you have said and what your boys want, it is the only option that has a possibility of reconciliation. The other two options enable your WW to get what she thinks she wants.

I understand about the holiday coming up, and I hope you take that time to relax and do some things for you and your boys. Are you planning on moving back into your home full time when you return from holiday?

All of you (WW too!) are in my thoughts.

Cheers Ahnold for your reply.

I have spoken to my boys and we have agreed that I will move back after our holiday. They have said that they will try not to sleep top-toe when I move back so their mother has to sleep on the settee. Their idea not mine, but a good one.

I have just come back from Karate with my boys and they are introducing a family session, which my boys want me to attend. I have decided to quit football (soccer) due to injury so it would be ideal and helps cement our family bond.

What do you think.

I think anything you can do to strengthen your family bonds with your boys will help enormously. For one thing, it's a positive thing to do for all of you regardless of your situation. Focusing on them will help you to take your mind off of your troubles and enable you to be stronger when you need to be.

A normal, happy family life with your boys is an important part of a good Plan A. Somewhere inside the alien that is your WW is the woman you married, and she is watching you. The better family life you have with your boys, the more attractive that life will be for her. She won't like being on the outside looking in.

In the meantime, anything that can help to crumble the affair will help. Maybe some of the other posters here can come up with some creative ideas. Have you considered making the OM's life more difficult (legally)? Like a lawsuit against him? Restraining order? You might want to take a look at BLuenote's thread "Plan D is a Definite." He is putting some pressure on the affair, and I am sure there are other threads with good ideas. One thing he has done is put a GPS unit on her car and has shown up at their trysts to put the heat on.

You might also want to plan some family time and invite your wife, something like a picnic or museum, or a sporting event, something for the boys. Don't expect her to come, but keep letting her know she is welcome to be a part of the family.

Good luck and stay in touch!

Ok there is no way I can get a restraining order on OM as I have nothing on him and he has only seen my boys twice.

Its my WW birthday next week and I'm wondering if I should get her a card or present. She got me a present on mine but no card and that was only a month after d-day.

I text her to ask if she would like to go for dinner with the boys and me for her birthday, but I still haven't had a reply and to be honest don't expect her to say yes, but thought it might get her thinking about us.

I would like to get her something and a husband card but I just not sure.

Hi HaF,

I understand about the restraining order, it was just the first thought that came to mind, the main message was, can you make the affair unappealing to him?

As for your question about the birthday, you are still working your Plan A, right? If it were me, I would do whatever it took to make my wife feel special on her birthday. It has nothing to do with what she did for you really. She is your wife and you love her, so why not show her? The more thoughtful you are about what would be meaningful to her, the better.

Ahnold

Hi Ahnold,

I spoke to my WW on Sunday when I came to have the boys and asked her to consider coming on holiday with us. She is worried about the effect it will have on the others and is still not ready to commit. She says she knows herself and she wouldn't have done what she is doing if we were happy. I have told her that we couldn't have been happy or it wouldn't have happened, but it was probably the only way we would sit up and pay attention to what is wrong in our relationship. I asked her if she wanted to come for dinner for her birthday but she has declined, which I expected and was upset that I had told the boys. I told her I knew she was stressed out and that I wanted to help her. I asked if things were any better now than they were 6 months ago and she didn't reply. I then asked if she was any closer to coming back or making a decision and she said maybe.

I have bought her quite a few presents for her birthday and cards from me and the boys. I'm going to make her a cake tomorrow, so she has it for her birthday on Thursday.

Today I phoned her at work to see how she is getting on and we talked for about 30mins and text each other a few times. She said that she is going to tell her solicitor not to write to me at the moment as they are waiting on a reply, which I don't intend to do. She knows I won't file for divorce and I have told her I will be moving back soon. Her reply is she will find somewhere to live, but she isn't going to file for divorce and the point of her divorcing me on unreasonable behaviour was not from her, but her solicitor. She has said that all she can cope with at the moment, ("at least for the next week" her words) is for me to go on holiday with the boys and enjoy ourselves. She knows my intentions are to help her but feels as if I'm pushing her into a corner. I have tried explaining that it would help her to have NC with OM now before we go away, but she seems to want to see how she gets on without her family for 2 weeks. It doesn't make sense to me.

She has asked that she can have the boys all next week, because she doesn't want to go away, but I can't agree to that at the moment.

Good man, I think you are on the right track. Now might be a good time to call in some help from others going on the trip. It sounds like she might decide to go if she felt like she wouldn't be an outcast. Maybe they can encourage her?

Hopefully some of the smart folks here on the boards can offer some other suggestions?

Keep working your plan.

OK, I got her lots of present, CD's Clothes, Perfume, Chocolates and flowers, some of which I had the boys give her.

She came back home this morning at about 5:40am so I could go to work and all I got was I thought you didn't have any money. I was hoping for a thank you and even a small kiss, but nothing. I even text her later in the day to ask if she liked her presents and got no reply.

So I spoke to the boys tonight and DS8 said that my WW didn't put my card up with the others she got and he asked why, but she didn't reply so he put it up himself. He also told her she was to leave some birthday cake for me, but again he got no response.

I know she went to see OM last night as DS8 asked her where she was and she told him, so he went quite on her so she changes the subject.

I still find it difficult to understand why she keeps putting her feelings for OM ahead of all her family, knowing we are all about to go away and we all want her to come. I get it won't be fair on everyone else. I can't understand how she can do this to her children, it just baffles me.

HAF

HaF,
You're at the 6 month point...have you considered Plan B? It sounds as though you've done a pretty good Plan A, and you're at the "I don't get it", "why is she still doing this" phase...

Don't expect logical responses to your positive moves, such as gifts, etc. IMO, her negative responses - "I thought you didn't have any money" - is normal when a foggy WS is confronted by selfless demonstrations of real Love (because that's what it is) it makes them react like a cornered animal. It reminds them that they are NOT being nice and it exacerbates the feelings of guilt - and then self-protection in the form of anger. At least this is what I see from my own WS, and understanding it as such, I try not to connect their negative reactions to my positive actions.

You do, however, seem to be expecting a "thank you", or for her to "return the favor"...not gonna happen, and the point of plan A is to merely show the positive aspects of being married to you, not to give you false hopes...

My .02

Thanks L2F,

I have told her I intend to move back home at some point, which will be when I return from holiday but she doesn't know that yet. My solicitor said I should tell her when I'm returning as it could be seen as unreasonable behavior. My WW has said she will move out to a one bedroom flat so that's her choice. She has asked that she has the boys next week but I've no intentions of letting her have them. I spoke to both my boys and said that they didn't want me to loose time with them. I have pointed out that it's their mothers choice to not come on holiday, so her not seeing them was her choice. I have said that if they want to stay with their mother then they can, but they are happy to stay with me.

HaF

OK latest update.

I came home on Sunday to get changed for the Baptism we were attending where I was Godfather to our friends daughter. These friends I meet through my WW as she used to work with the girls mother. When I got home I noticed a bracelet on my WW wrist, which I said looked nice, but she brushed it off as being old. I believe it to be a present from OM, but I didn't push it. She asked if she could have the boys this week and I refused saying it was her choice not to come on holiday as she feels stronger towards OM than she does for her family. Therefore why should I give up my time with the boys to accommodate her A. She hit the roof and said if you want to stick with the arranges for the children then she would do that and I was to remember she has them over Christmas. I said that's fine, but then don't expect me to take time off work to look after them when they are on holiday. She then told me that she could stop me taking the boys away on holiday. So I asked her if she wanted to stop them going and she said no. Just an empty threat.

Went to the Baptism and found myself having to sit with her and her friends from work, but it wasn't that bad. While we were sitting there I asked my WW if she would like to look after the boys on the 1st of November in the evening for a couple of hours as I'm going out with some of the fathers from school. If not then I would get my brother to look after them but she has agreed to have them. I was expecting her to say no and stick with the arrangements.


I had text her during the week to ask her to buy a present from the little girl and got no reply. That evening when the little girl was opening her presents and cards the one from my WW was signed from her, the boys and her friend no mention of me. I even told her I bought the little girl a present just from me as I was Godfather and hoped she didn't feel offended, but she failed to tell me she hadn't put my name on the card. It turns out she hadn't put my name on the card to her sister for her birthday either. At least I know where I stand in the future.

Monday I took only my DS8 to Karate as DS7 was with his mother on a school trip. One of the instructors spoke to me saying that the boys fees were overdue by 2 months and that if they weren't paid by Wednesday they couldn't come. This is the 3rd time I've been approached and my WW keeps saying she will sort it out. This isn't the first fee that has been outstanding. I was approached by their scout leader the other week regarding a similar thing where fees hadn't been paid. All these fees are set up to come out of my WW account. Bearing in mind she gets almost the same amount of money as me, but has to pay only half of what I have to pay.

When I got back from Karate I said I needed to talk to her about the fees, but all I get is excuses that I have tried, but this has been going on for weeks. I told the boys to go upstairs but she says they can stay. So I end up asking where is all your money going and I'm told I have to say something in front of the boys, but I have no choice.

My DS7 said in the car that my WW says not to talk in front of the boys and then tells them not to go. It's amazing how much my kids pick up without a word from me. When it was her birthday last week the boys put on a video tape from our last holiday in Florida. All my WW's family were there when it came on. We had been watching it during the week just to help us get in the holiday mood. My WW said to my BS8 that I had told him to put it on, which is completely untrue.

OK I need some help on this one.

I have just come home to have the boys as we go on holiday tomorrow and WW has left to go to her mothers not wanting to come on holiday to start a fresh.

I have found her bracelet in the bathroom, which she has said is old. I thought it was new and now I've found the box it came in in her underwear draw. I have put the bracelet in the box and left it for her to see with a note saying I found your old bracelet.

Is this a good idea or not? Should I just leave it where I found it, or remind her of yet another lie she has told.

Not sure need advice from any Pro's out there. Time is ticking away and I know the forums will be quiet over the weekend and I fly out tomorrow with my boys.

HAF

Bump

I would leave it where you found it. She knows she's telling lies, and YOU know she's telling lies. Don't make this into a p*ssing contest. Better to just go on vacation and have a wonderful time. And be sure to take lots of happy family photos to show WW when you return.

Thanks Believer

Ok,

Just arrived back from holiday today with WW's family and had a great time. Only had one problem when we were away, but that got sorted.

Came home and give WW a kiss on the cheek and then went on to unpack my stuff before filling a bag with work stuff to go to my brothers with.

As I was leaving WW asked if I was moving back when I finish my shift which I said I was. Things seemed ok and I give her another kiss and a hug as I left and which point she said she was going to move to her mother's and wouldn't be coming round at 5:40am to collect the kids when I start shift again and would take them the night before. I said why don't you want to work things out and I get you know why. Then I'm accused of filling the kids head with things. I said I will always tell them the truth and that its me that has to deal with their tears and them being unhappy. I said if you don't want to commit to me then you should commit to him, but I'm told the boys have only met him twice so she can't live with him. Why can't she live with him when I have the boys. My SIL said she should commit to you and if she can't then she has to commit to him as that is why she has caused this problem.

Anyway I asked her if she told her sister these things happen when her sister's XH had an affair and she said he lied, but she has been honest. I told her she hadn't been honest and was having and EF before she told me and was still lying now. I said you got a bracelet from OM on your birthday and told me it was old. She got angry and hit me and told me to get out so she could spend her 3 days with the boys. I told her not to keep hitting me and just be honest with me and left.

I could really do with some input from some FWS here.

I have a question for the pros

When I return home on Thursday and my WW decides to move out with the kids to her mothers on Sunday do I help her pack and when she does should I implement Plan B immediately or wait a week or two.

Please bear in mind my sit. DD 6th March 2007 EA I then moved out for a couple of weeks due to the strain on me. Found MB in April and moved back after she went to see OM while I was away with kids. May 2007 PA and I moved out thinking I was ready for Plan B and separation. After lots of encouragement from Marsh, Melody and numerous other realized I hadn't implemented Plan A fully and returned home to the wrath of my WW. July 2007 after numerous meetings with mediators and some big LB's we agreed we would live separately until things were sorted. WW agreed I would keep house and then done a complete u-turn. We continued to live in separate houses as I have was about to go on holiday with all my WW's family and didn't want others to feel unhappy about going away. Now I've returned they all know I'm about to move back, but WW will not commit but has shown small signs of realizing I'm a great father and husband.

So now I really need some good advice and I can't afford to call the Harley's. Her moving out if she does would really be a great opportunity to start Plan B which has been hard to do if she won't move out. However I have some problems with Plan B. This Thursday I'm going out with some of the fathers from my boys school and have asked WW if she would like to have them for a few hours, which she has agreed to. I want her to have the boys but don't want her to ask me to have them for her. It's not that I don't want to see them when she is at work I'm just concerned she may use me to have them so she can see OM. So what I'm saying is on one hand I want the boys but on the other hand sticking with Plan B would stop this and I hate to see my boys being caught in the middle and I feel by not having them I'm abandoning them.