hi there please excuse my typing am quite new to forums ,my story .....
i found out four weeks ago my wife had been having an affair with her boss,i suspected this so i followed her fitted a tracker to her car taped the phone etc eventually she rang him and i caught her out .i immediatly confronted her with all the evidence ,after a few hours she gave in and said she had been seeing him for six months ..they had had sex four times ,been shopping and to a casino.
i fell apart lost weight ,stayed off work .in the phone call i taped she planned to rent another house and see him twice a week when i had our child +one from my previuos marrige ...
she has now moved into this house but has quit her job ..promised not to see him ..(i caught her with him on the night she said she was ending it with him). she says she still loves me but still has feelings for him and is not sure about us.
the reason for the affair is very complicated but briefly she moved into the house my ex and i shared ..we totaly rebuilt it differently but she was never really happy ,i didnt listen ,my daughter (from my ex )always reminded her of my past ..she then developed a drink problem and i spent all of my time dealing with that not what was making her unhappy .
the house is now up for sale .ive told her im going away for two weeks and to deal with it .she has today agreed to go to marriage guidance if only to understand what happened and to move on .
any advice ,comments help would be great ..i do want her back but only if she really wants me

Welcome. Glad you found us.

Does she STILL have a drinking problem, or has she addressed that? Because the MB program won't work for those with addictions. It is necessary to handle the addiction problem first.

Otherwise you can start in Plan A, and start meeting her needs. She needs to have no contact with the other man.

Is he married?

yes she does still have a drink problem..its not bad..
one bottle of wine only in the eve ..never before four in the afternoon ..he is not married ..he still sees his ex twice a week (he is not the type of guy you leave your husband for) my wifes exact words .i do know that when shes happy she dosent drink.we planned a future together in australia (she is australian) she still wants this but is scared because she dosent know what her feelings are to me .i have told her we need to stop talking to each other about what happened .

should i approach this guy and tell him to back off .she did tell me he asked her if she wanted to stop .she said no ,this was three months ago.i know he will listen to me but it might make things worse ,its very difficult to know or trust her now she lives 30 miles away .when i have the kids i cant just go out and check on her. is marriage guidance the right thing for us ... i am so glad i found this site now i know im not alone...regards gareth

You might want to post on General Questions as the weekends are slow, and there is more traffic there.

Start in Plan A which is showing her what a great husband you can be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. You CAN tell her that it hurts you when she has contact with him.

Also the drinking needs to go. Will she consider stopping?

Also she needs to be living with you. It is harder to work on a marriage with her somewhere else.

And you do need to talk about what went wrong, and why she feels the need to have emotional affairs.

But stick with us, and keep reading and posting. This stuff takes time.

Talk to the other man if you think it will help, but it usually doesn't. Most have no respect for a marriage or family.

Yes, tell this guy to back off and expose to the HR manager that this predator used his position of influence to have an affair with a married subordinate. That should scare him away. As for your W, she needs to have NC with the OM for several months before her feelings for you start coming back. You must do everything in your power to ensure NC because affairs are like addictions, and she obviously is one who is prone to addictions. Cutting OM off cold turkey will be hard for her. NC with OM is the key to improving your situation.

she has now told a few of her friends of the affair +her parents .is she doing this out of guilt or is she hoping for sympathy ,acceptance .i dont know.had a four hour chat with her parents today face to face .made them realise how they had been used and lied to .took them back over the last six months and made them realise the times they had looked after our child, even for an hour or two were not what they thought .. made them understand she is a liar .this they accepted and said they would check she was where she said she was ,and if not would confront her .they in no way support the affair.. is this enough exposure .she will now find it very hard to see him ,

also now she realises i am not concerned about her but about me .she keeps ringing ! she rang late last night while she was out ,i think she wanted me to pick her up

how do i find out what her emotional needs are, i think she may suspect a plan if i ask ... and this will be counterproductive...im pretty sure they are fun and laughter ,as this is what she seemed to get from the affair .this will be hard if we are separated ,we are together for a few hours sometimes with our child ...should i use this as an opportunity ..one weird byproduct of the affair is i can now type quite fast ,one handed though!

englander,

You are going to have to read your butt off and learn the basics of the Marriage Building program.

You can find the concept of emotional needs here: <CLICK>

Be sure to read everything you can get your hands on at the website entrance. Pay particularly close attention to the infidelity sections so that you can learn the dynamics of the process.

Knowledge is power in this situation.

It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery with a wayward wife that is guilty and trying to bring herself out of the affair.

By all means do what Jim said above. The OM should have impetus for not continuing contact.

<Read about plan A and plan B here>.

It is vital that you KNOW and talk to everyone that she says she has exposed to. DO NOT BELIEVE a damn thing she says right now. It will take a long time of demonstrating trustworthy behavior before you can come to predict her honesty with any degree of reliability.

That is just the nature of the beast I'm afraid.

I'm encouraged for you situation just by you being here and willing to fight for your marriage.

Regards,

thank you all so much .i am armed and dangerous as they say ,i am spending 3-4 hours a day reading posts etc +posting....my wife called today and said her parents were taking her out for her birthday,(she does not know i asked them to do this so she could not see him(cant remember the letters i should use ) they were fully aware of this and were glad to .she asked if i would go but said there was nothing in it she would just like me to go

i said no. thankyou but no ,i told her she didnt ned to be feeling awkward on her special day .i also said i would buy her a present from our son .but not from me as i didnt want to make her feel weird or wrong etc (cant remember the exact words )..am i thinking clearly here.as per plan a or am i way off the mark...my affair busting plan is well under way ,ihave parents on board etc ...thanks again to everyone for their advice suggestions.. .