Yes.



I do not like the words TRY and HOPE here. Why are you not saying: I will meet his ENs and it will get better?

There are also other SOLUTIONS. TALK to HIM on each occasion when you are confused. Ask him WHY he is being so CONFLICTUAL without making the assumptions that you seem to be making about his psychological issues. "Why is it that one day you get mad at me about planting the sod and then the next day you want me to plant it? That's confusing to me". Do you ask him like this? What does he say? "I don't want to plant it without you explaining this to me. I want to hear your opinion."



I don't see how in the world that you can say something like this. How could DIVORCE be BEST with you having those 4 children? That is an OPTION that in my opinion should not even be considered by you AT ALL at this point. Are you REALLY wanting a DIVORCE, DIG? Are you wanting to be FREE and lead the free-spirited life that you were speaking about earlier today? Had you thought that maybe your H has matured and realizes that he is now a father and a married man and he has become MORE SETTLED? Maybe he is feeling the responsibility of caring for a large family. Maybe he is feeling much more like a GROWN MAN now and does not want to act like a teenager anymore which is APPROPRIATE for him.



So what is your plan? Maybe you need to be MORE CONSERVATIVE and LESS FREE AND EASY and then he may move towards being more free-spirited or whatever...

It bugged me that you said earlier that you continue to feel like it's OK to be flirtatious and friendly with men other than your husband. Is that true? Are you saying that you only stopped this because your H wanted you to stop? Do you honestly think that is OK..getting attention from other men? Maybe your H is picking up on this side of you, Dig?

Dig, honestly, what's going on with you?

Quote:

It bugged me that you said earlier that you continue to feel like it's OK to be flirtatious and friendly with men other than your husband. Is that true? Are you saying that you only stopped this because your H wanted you to stop? Do you honestly think that is OK..getting attention from other men? Maybe your H is picking up on this side of you, Dig?


Mimi when did I say this? I didn't know me talking to other men was hurting my husband. Like I said before I am a people person and I talk to everyone. Just because I did doesn't mean I was trying to hurt him or be disrespectful to him in anyway. It's just who I am. When I did realize I was hurting him by doing this I have since stopped.

As far as what is going on with me. I think my LB for my DH is pretty low. The things he was doing to make deposits into my LB has long been stopped since I told him I felt closer to him than I have in a long time. I have been trying to do all the things he ask of me and still he gets on my case about everything. I don't feel very close to him now. I just went out into the yard and planted the rest of the junipers and sod and he didn't say thank you. Didn't even offer to help. Now I am just waiting for when he sees what I have done out there and if it will make him happy or will he just tell me how many ways I screwed it up. I don't even want to go upstairs to be around him right now. I was having a problem with my laptop a little while ago it starting rebooting for whatever reason and he helped me try and see what the problem was but he had such a condesending tone he was just absoultely certain that I had downloaded a virus or something. Until he did a search on his laptop of the error message that was coming up and saw that I maybe having a problem with my memory. I am just so sad and fed up. I have been busting my a** around here. Shinging the floors scurbing the everything down. Trying to help in the yard and it seems to be no good. I don't know maybe I am just depressed.

I understand about behaving more mature because of the kids and all. I do but I still let my hair down from time to time and I don't want him looking down on me because I do. I feel like I am not suppose to stop living just because I am a mother and a wife. I was Maryam long before I was any of those things. Why can't I be all that I am now and still be accepted by him. When we were dating he made me feel like he loved me for who I was when nobody else did and now I feel like all I get is him second guessing everything I do. I am just tired.

Do you still PERSONALLY FEEL that this is HARMLESS? This is the statement that bugged me.

How can this be HARMLESS?

Do you think it's OK for HIM to FLIRT with WOMEN?

DIG:

It sounds like to me that you are not happy with your role now as a wife and mother. You are MORE now than you were when you started dating...a DOMESTIC GODDESS..your H's lover, his wife, mother of his children. How special!! It seems that you are not PERSONALLY HAPPY in this role. Planting the sod and junipers, I would think, would bring you PERSONAL JOY and a SENSE OF FULFILLMENT rather than you feeling like that you are doing this FOR YOUR HUSBAND. Maybe he senses your unease with who you are and who he is.

Also, you are not communicating with him, Dig. You are not being HONEST. If you wanted him to help you, you should have asked him. If you didn't want to do it, you should not have done it. If you didn't like his response to you about the computer, you should have told him. You are building up resentment towards him, Dig. Yes, this is a recipe for disaster. Stop it, Dig.

I say this in all kindness, sincerity and care for you, Dig. I think you are yearning for the single life, wanting to be FREE and EASY like a TEENAGER again. Where is this coming from? This would be SELFISH, Dig...not at all in the best interests of your children....What a DISASTER!

Are you telling us ALL that has been going on with you lately?

I have to say by nature some people are flirtatious. I happen to be one of them so no I didn't find a problem with this, until I relaized it was hurting him. I felt it was harmless because I just thought I was being friendly. He felt I flirt with men just by having any type of conversation with men. I didn't know he considered that flirting until I was telling him about an interaction I had with a guy a the post office. I thought I was just being me and he said you were flirting with him and I said no I was flirting with him. The guy was talking about when he lived in TX how he use to work in the rodeo and I said I thought the rodeo was cool because my GF use to take us all the time when we were kids. I can;t remember what else but it was pretty much just that and I think I told him I think he seemed like a good person and that it was good because some of the other people that worked there had a real attitude at times. I thought this was harmless yet he thought I was flirting. What made it funny is we would go into the Post Office all the time and wouldd see him and we called him Popeye because he looked like him and he would roll up his sleeves to show off his muscles.

I have to say I am not yearning to be single. I love my DH very much and I sincerely want to be with him. I just want to be free to be who I am without him questioning my judgement about everything I do. I want to feel accepted by him and not like I am his child he is trying to rear. I feel like he is parenting my instead of treating like a wife. I mean the man checks me to see if I am wearing panties before I leave the house.

I am not yearning for the single life and no I am not being wayward. I just want to feel like me like am is good enough for him without feeling like I have to worry over every little detail.

As far as me not telling him what I felt last night. I didn't want to talk to him because I was very angry and I needed to vent before I did or else I would have LBed big time. Once I posted my last post I let it all out and was able to tell him how I felt. I asked him why didn't ask me if I needed help. I really want him out there because he is so picky I wanted him to just explain what he wanted me to do so I wouldn't get sacked out again for trying to help. Thing is I did feel a sense of accomplishment when I planted the sod the first time until he reacted the way he did so needless to say it is only nautral I was a bit apprehensive how he would recieve what I did this time.

I have told him before if he thinks I may need help or even if he doesn't to offer. Why should I have to ask him all the time. I mean if he see someone else having a hard time he ask them if they need help but me he can see me bringing in all the groceries and not offer or lift a hand. Is this suppose to make me feel like he cherishes me? I just feel like this man is very insensitive to me at times. I constanly ask him Mr. DIG what can I do to be a better W to you and he says not this again. I will ask him what are the things I do to make you happy/sad/angry etc. He says not this again. So what I am I to think? I don't feel as though he wants to make the same amount of effort as me. I still think he thinks everything is fine and when I tell him other wise he feels that I am nagging him. No matter how I try to nice it up. It's like the threat of the OM is gone so he feels like he just go back to doing/not doing things as normal. He had stop the constant complaining about everything I do now he is right back at it and I am back to feeling like I can really do without his constant looking over my shoulder all the time.

I mean we have the four kids and I am with them most of the time and none of them have ever gotten seriously hurt yet he feels like I should watch their every move. I can't physically do that. He over parents them whe he does parent and it's like he wants me to do that as well. If I never let them learn to fall how will they ever learn to get back up. I feel as long as they know I am here when they need me they will be just fine.

I guess what I am saying is a want a husband and not another dad. I have one and I don't need another.

I'm going to be blunt with you, Dig, cause you are not getting it and you and I are not on the same wavelength so this may be my last post for awhile.

If you are by nature flirtatious and you are married, that is NOT A GOOD THING. YOUR NATURE needs to be controlled or you will continually be a great source of UNHAPPINESS for your H. It will be insensitive and uncaring of you to continue to FLAUNT this, IMO.



You must be leaving out something, Dig, unless your H is NUTS. Have you ever left the house without PANTIES? Why would he go there? My H wouldn't even consider checking me for that because it is something that I would NEVER DO. Why is he so suspicious of you?

It's something about YOU, DIG.

I want to hear you say what this is saying about YOU...not about HIM...cause you can only CHANGE YOU ..and work on YOU. What can YOU DO to be a BETTER WIFE to HIM?



I think it's unfair for you to categorize him as trying to be your DAD. He is saying how HE FEELS about what you are doing and you don't like what he has to say, IMO.

I just don't hear that you LIKE your H. Accept him for who he is. Know that he may be trying to help you. Don't do stuff for him to get something back in return. Do stuff for him because YOU CARE ABOUT HIM and WANT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. Your love sounds so CONDITIONAL.

There's a lot of ME, ME, ME in your recent posts...

I think you need a really good MARRIAGE COUNSELOR..not the one you have now...a MARRIAGE COUNSELOR who will work towards saving your marriage..not enabling your criticisms of your H...

You mean that you don't know what to do without continuing to ASK him?

Making this about YOU, that does sound like a LITTLE GIRL relating to her DADDY. You say that you don't want him to treat you like your FATHER. Then, ACT LIKE A GROWN WOMAN. Stop asking him what to do? You know what you need to do, Dig...

BE A WOMAN..with your OWN BELIEFS, DESIRES and WANTS. Don't DEPEND on another person to define who you are.

Mimi I don't want you to think I am not getting what you are saying. I also don't want you to stop posting to me because of that reason. If I am not getting what you are trying to say the last thing I need or want is for you to give up on me.

I said that I feel like he is acting like my dad because I feel like I am under his scrunity everytime I do anything. This is what I mean. No I haven't done anything to make him not trust me. I guess it's just his nature to be cautious of everyone where I am willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. He believes I am naieve for this by the way. However I will be damned if I spend everyday thinking everyone is out trying to get me in some way. It would make me nuts.

As far as him checking me for panties. I don't wear them all the time. If I have on a dress I will but I don't like to wear them often. It's just one of my things.

Why do you say I keep flaunting flirting. I have said over and over again that sense I have come to realize that this causes him pain that I no longer do it. I keep saying I no longer even have unessecary convos. with people of the opposite sex because if he was doing something that upset me and knew and kept doing it I would think he didn't care and for me that couldn't be further from the truth.

You said you notice that I have been using alot of I statements in my post. I guess I do that when I feel the need to defend myself. My DH has been doing a lot of LBing and because of that I am on the defensive. I have been trying to do all the things he have been asking of me yet evenever I do he finds a problem with it somehow. So excuse me if I am not giving quite as freely if I felt he wasn't on my back about every little thing.

After my last post I spoke with him and told him that I didn't feel close to him because he has been fussing about everything lately and hasn't told me in a while what I have done right. Criticism has the opposite effect on me that admiration does. He said that he is sorry. That he has been having a long week and not enough sleep and that is why he has been fussing and that he will stop. I said ok I am happy to hear that but I don't just want you to stop fussing I want you to start telling me what I am doing right and to say thank you. I also told him I knew he was having a hard time and that's why I was trying to lighten his burden but whenever I would try to he would just go off on me again. I then told him I know that he doesn't do well with conflict but I appreciate him listening to me and the best thing I can do is let him know how I feel instead of holding it in and building resentment. He said ok and a need some space and so I gave him some.

As far a me being a better W I have been trying really hard to do that. I have been spending more time with him. Really paying attention to what he is saying. Doing the things he ask of me. It's not me. I have been going to him to ask him how he feels about things before I do them. I don't what else I can possibly do. If you have any suggestions I am all ears. I have been trying really hard to get my stuff together so I do feel like I need some validation as well as some credit. I am not doing what I am doing for this reason but I am not looking to get how I messed up something everytime I try and do the things he asks of me. If you knew that you had been working on being a better W and person and your H let you know about every little mistake you made instead of noticing and appreciating the effort you were putting forward to be a better person how would you accept this and how would you respond to this treatment?

BE A WOMAN..with your OWN BELIEFS, DESIRES and WANTS. Don't DEPEND on another person to define who you are.


How do I do this without LBing? I mean if we go to a party and I dance he wants me to sit down instead of having fun with me. So I can I be me without stepping on his toes?

IMO, your H is evidencing his LOVE and CARE for you and you are seeing this as being controlling. That's so sad to hear. A husband's job is to SHEPHERD his family.

Who are you, DIG? Are you acting appropriately as a grownup WIFE and MOTHER? Are you wanting to act your age?

It seems that your H is concerned that you are acting TOO LOOSE.

I think it is LOVING for him to tell you and I think you should listen.

YOUR WILD, REBELLIOUS DAYS NEED TO BE OVER...

Mimi I have to say I have grown up so much since coming here and since I have been with my H. I am not wild and rebellious anymore. When I say I am tired of my H scurtinizing everything I do I mean this for example. He took me out to dinner for last week because now we are trying to do that at least once a week. I ordered an appitizer a salad and an entree. He said why do you do that? You know you are not going to eat all of that. They should have a Maryam sampler plate at every restaurant we go to because all you do is eat a little of this and a little of that. I understand that he was saying that I eyes are bigger than my stomach but why can't he say baby I know you like to eat here but why don't you try getting one thing this time and we can come back and the next time you can get something different. It's not that I mind him telling me how he feels. I just don't like the way he does it. It's like he doesen't take time to think about a gentle way to tell me whatever comes up comes out. If it were one of his co-workers are a stranger for that matter he would take care with his words with them. Why don't I deserve that same respect?

I am nothing if I am not a good wife and mother. I spend most of my time with my family. I don't dress in anything I would be opposed to my daughters wearing when they are older. I know that the do what they see more than they do what we tell them. I try and set a good example. I only listen to veggie tales and the like when they are with me. I try not to watch anything innoappropriate around them. I don't use foul language around them. Sometimes I lose my temper with them but I apologize for my behavior. My H is a perfectionist he knows this he claims it. He almost always finds fault with everything. I think he takes his fustrations out on me. I don't think he is happy with his job and so I have to feel the brunt of it because he feels like he is going to a job he hates so he can take care of me.

I sing, dance, have good clean fun with my kids and I try to with my DH but he I think has this unrealistic vision of what I should be. He wants me to just stay at home all the time and take care of the kids because it is safe. I can't do that and keep my sanity. He is a home body and I am not. I like living my life to the fullest. What is wild and free about any of this? I try to bend over backwards for him and all I get for my efforts is you didn't bend over far enough. It's not me that's unhappy with being a wife and a mother. I think it's him that is not taking care of himself and getting time to himself and doing things that make him happy that is causing the constant critizism.

He is making himself miserable because he never lets his hair down and I think because I can that he resents that because he can't. I think he is comparing himself to me and in that comparison he is passing judgement. Where does it say because you have kids you can't do anything unless they are involved? I think he feels he has to maryter himself for his family because that is what his parents did. I have a different opinion. I know that some time away from the kids occasionally is healthy for everybody.

If me wanting to sing,dance and go without wearing panties or ordering an appitizer a salad and an entree is being wild and rebellious then I have to say I am a wild person. As far as me not wearing panties I only do it when I wear pants and there is no way anyone can tell unless they are really looking and if they are looking hard enough to notice it will be to much for my comfort.

Ok Mimi where are you? i knew he going to do this I was just waiting and sure enough he had something to say about the way I laid the sod out side. I knew it was coming. Tell me if you think him telling me I am not 24 anymore because I have a ringtone on my phone is showing his care or is this knitpicking? It's what made me want to get away from him in the first place. I feel like I can't do anything right in his eyes. My IC told me that this is why I picked him. He is almost exactly like my mom. She didn't want me to sing and dance either. If I would cook dinner for her because she was working two jobs to take care of us instead of her saying thank you she would say you didn't put in enough salt. Can you see how this can be very discouraging?

I don't want to hear one more complaint about your H.

What do YOU need to DO?

He is clearly saying that he feels that you are not acting your age and stage.

Do you agree at all?

What will be your response to this?

I only want to hear about YOU in your next post.

I am sorry Mimi. I know I am going on and on about him but I feel infurated because I am doing my best to please him and nothing I am doing is working. He told me to cook I have been cooking. He told me to clean. I have been cleaning. He told me he wanted me to consult him before doing things on my own I have been doing that. He told me he didn't want the kids to watch to much tv so I havn't been turning it on until around 3 or 4 o' clock. I have been giving him more massages. Running his bath, scratching his hair and his back. I have even tried to help him in the yard. I don't know what else I can do. I think the only thing I haven't been doing much of lately with his is
telling him how much I appreciate all he does around here. I don't know if this is what is causing the tension we are feeling now but he told me the admiration thing is not high on his list. So I am at a complete loss. I honestly don't know what I am failing to do, or what I am doing that is making this all go down hill.

I'm not toing to read or respond to ANYTHING about him.

To answer your question. I most certainly do not think I am not acting my age. If I thought that what I was doing was innoappropriate I wouldn;t continue to do it. If he feels like I am not acting my age that is his opinion and he is entitled to that but just because he thinks this doesn't it make it the gospel. Should I stop doing everything he doesn't agree with? If so where does the me stop and the he begans?

If I am not doing anything to damage or disrespect my family why should he continuously berate me? Should I just stop doing anything that brings me joy because he feels like I don't take life seriuosly enough for him? How is wanting to sing and dance acting like I am not 31. I mean was Fred Astare not acting his age when he preformed? How is he to determine what a 31 year old married woman with children suppose to act? He can't change me anymore than I can change him. So how should I act being a 31 year old mother and wife?

This was not about him so why didn't you respond to this?

First, you can put your panties on all the time. Your husband wants you to wear them, and it is no big sacrifice - millions of women wear panties. So start with that. That will eliminate the disrespectful "inspections".

Next, spend a couple weeks journaling the nice things he says or does. Sounds to me like he doesn't do much that is thoughtful and loving, but we will see.

Then, spend your time working on your issues. Don't expect any praise from him. Do it for yourself.

And I would reign in the friendly behavior with men, and work on relationships with other women.

Believer I think this is where my frustration is coming from. I feel like I have been being a better wife than I have in a long time yet I am still getting flack. I didn't say he doesn't do anything thoughtful or helpful for me. I have been thinking about this as well. My problem is that the LB withdrawals are out weighing the deposits and I feel like running again because I think feel like he is doing what he always does. He does what makes me happy for a while and then when he feels like he has apeased the beast he stops. I just don't want to hurt anymore and his constant nagging is killing my love for him.

Today he got the baby when she woke up from her nap so I could sleep in I thought that was great. It's the only other thing he has done for me since last week when he got her for me. Before he watched the kids so I could have some time to myself and we had a great time for my b-day everything other than that all I can remember is him getting on my back about everything.

As far as the panties go if I don't like feeling restricted all the time why should I do this just to make him happy if it will make me unhappy. I think we should try and find a way to compromise on this. Just like with my exercise clothes. What is deemed appropriate for wearing while working out?

As far a being friendly with guys I don't know how many times I have to say I have given this up. I understood the need to do this so I was able to stop. However I have to say I don't want to lose myself in order to be married either. I am just learning how to be ok with who I am and I don't want him or anyone else to make me doubt myself.

No one is saying that you need to lose yourself. I had a fiance who your hubby reminds me of, and I DIDN'T marry him, thank goodness. EVERYTHING I did was wrong. I changed what I did, and he continued finding more wrong things. I took the lid off the pan while it was cooking wrong, I washed the rug wrong, etc. etc. He had a set way things needed to be done, and it was not the way I did it.

But I am very hopeful for your situation.

And it is just plain BS to say you don't like to feel "restricted" by wearing panties. Deal with it - it's a little thing that your husband would like for you to change.

And when he DOES do the slightest tiny thing, be sure to give him lots of admiration.