H was supposed to tell me last night if he wanted me to sign the waiver of service so the divorce can proceed. He didn't have an answer for me. Doesn't know how he feels or what he wants.<P>But his suggestion was that we go ahead and proceed with the divorce in the meantime, while he continues to think about things.<P>I told him this was unnacceptable. He wants it both ways -- he wants the divorce, but he wants me to stay right where I am so he has his safe fallback position. Interestingly, he agreed. It turned into another lovebusting session on my part. <P>I told him if he wants more time to think, or if he wants to work on things, he needs to withdraw his petition for divorce. The way things stand right now, we ARE getting a divorce. I told him it was time to tell our daughter that we are getting a divorce. I guess I hoped the reality of telling her would shock him. But he agreed. But then he said, "we'll tell her we're getting a divorce, and if things change, we'll tell her that when it happens." Huh? I am not willing to put my daughter through that kind of emotional wringer. As far as I'm concerned, telling her we are getting divorce is FINAL. <P>I have a hard time understanding how he can think divorce is the right thing to do unless he's 100% certain. He seems to have it backwards. He won't come home unless he's 100% certain of the marriage. But he'll get a divorce even if he's not sure. <P>I'm just so angry!!! I can clearly see that we are caught in a destructive pattern. Every time he waffles, I step in and screw it up. <P>For the first time, though, I can really feel my love bank starting to drain. When I think about how I love him, it's no longer an overwhelming flood of feeling. I still love him, because I remember a sweet, romantic, silly, wonderful man. I was so lucky to have him in my life for 12 years. But the man I've been married to for the past year is not that man. He realizes that he is 'detached' from his emotions. What he doesn't realize is how cold, unfeeling, and heartless he appears. <P>Perhaps I could continue with plan A forever if practical concerns didn't interfere. But legally and financially I can't let this continue. So I feel like I'm backed into a corner. <P>He'll be out of town on business M-F for five weeks starting 10/18. I'm actually looking forward to it. Maybe all that time away will make him reconsider. Probably not. But it will give me time to gain strength and make a plan for my life without him. <P>I have very little hope for our marriage at this point. Months ago, I was willing to take him back regardless of his feelings. I figured anything could be fixed if we just tried. Now I'm not sure I'm willing. I'm just too damaged. And since I don't see him showing up on the doorstep in a tuxedo and a dozen roses, I guess it just isn't going to happen.<P>Thanks for all your support during this recent twist in the rollercoaster. Sorry I don't have better news to report!

Annie<BR>He sounds so freakin’ clueless as to what he really wants.<P>You MUST stop love busting. Even if a divorce takes place, it’s just gonna get you both into someplace you don’t wanna be. Hopefully when he is gone, it may wake him up a bit. Good idea about taking care of yourself while he is gone. Try not to worry or get upset about him when he isn’t around.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Annie,<P>You're not alone. Different siruations same feelings and thoughts. I know you are strong and I think I am trying to be. It's nice to know that there are those on this board who struggle the same struggle. Despite theier signals we must be strong in ourselves. Mine is just dating anyone who will ask now, but still feels compelled to throw me bones and keep me on a string. I let her and I wrestle with it. I will win for me. Hang on to you and see what happens.<P>Eric32

Chris-<BR>I know, I know, I know. But I can't stop. You have to understand, I'm not yelling, screaming, calling names, telling him what a louse he is. Anything that can possibly be interpreted as even slightly negative (even just in his twisted mind) is a lovebuster. <P>Eric-<BR>Yeah, I read your recent post. A lot of us here in this ambiguous state. Am I willing to be kept on a string? Even through divorce proceedings? I don't know.

Hi I'm new here but just wondered, have you read "Men in Midlife Crisis" and "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis" by Jim and Sally Conway? They are very helpful when you h. takes a midlife nutty. Just a suggestion.They can be ordered from their site "Midlife Dimensions" at midlife.com.<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Annie,<P>I DO understand. I have only had “real” love busters with my Wife, maybe four times since I found out! The rest of the time ANY little thing that she did not agree with (which is most everything) was a love buster. I always made her a cup of tea before & after work. After discovery, she got extremely pissed off at me for doing it. Not because she was mad at me, but I believe it was her guilt eating at her. How could I be nice to her after what she did? She wanted me to get angry at her.<P>Before you say something or respond to him, you have to “think” about what you are going to say.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>