This is regarding friends of the opposite sex. Dh used to be really good friends with this girl. He always told me she was his best friend. In a recent discussion, I let him know I would want to meet all of his friends. He doesn't seem to think he has to introduce me to anybody. He may be in the fog still.

So I went ahead and sent her an email introducing myself. I asked her not to tell him because I am not sure how he would react. I know she read it but she still hasn't responded. I did this today. When I was doing it I felt really good. Now I'm having second thoughts.

Did I just put a fork into my marriage by going behind his back to get to know one of his old friends?

Did I do the right thing?

Should I tell him now? Or wait to see what she says?

Asd you can see I am having second thoughts. I need to make the effort to realize that he will have friends of the opposite sex and that I have no reason to be jealous of them. I asked him for help on this part but he told me to help myself.

I felt good because I wanted to reach out and get to know her because if their relationship is important to him then it shouldn't be hidden or kept from me.

I know I'm different from him in the sense that if I had a male friend I will let him know what is going on. I would tell him oh I talked to so and so today. I would do it out of respect for him and our relationship. I wouldn't want to give him a reason to wonder. He doesn't see it like that at all. He sees it as if I trust him then there shouldn't be any reason why he needs to introduce me to these people.

I am looking for some support here saying I did do the right thing here.

I do plan on telling my husband, just after I hear from her.


Any advice for me on how to accept the fact that he will be in contact with other females (friends or acquaintances) and that I have no need to feel threatened? By contact I mean every day contact (like making conversation). I've always been on his case whenever he would tell me he talked to a female in a normal everyday way, and I would be like really why did you talk to her for? He feels like I'll always be looking around his shoulder seeing what he is doing and he doesn't want to live like that.

I'm trying really hard here to trust him. I know I need to grow up and just get over it. I know I need to have more self esteem in myself and I"m trying.

Too late to wonder or have 2nd thoughts. You did it already.

Now as for his 'best friend' comment, that's WS babble. He is still in the fog.

Mine babbled the same. I let him know that if he had to hide his friends, they were not family friends. It put him as a Ws on the outside of our family.

L.

I agree with Orchid. He shouldn't have opposite sex friends he won't introduce you to. Especially "old friends"

How about acquaintances? Like people he just works with, not necessarily hang out with?

I just finished talking to my counselor and she thinks it's going to blow up in my face. Not the thing I want to hear right now. I was looking to her as a way of support, as in way to go, way to make an effort.

I gave her this example. Let's say we're in a party, and he says hello to a friend but doesn't introduce us. I should make the effort and introduce myself, right?

I'm seriously considering getting a new counselor. One that wants to work with me to get my marriage stronger, not tell me to just sit back wait for the day he leaves for deployment in the hopes that somebody can talk some sense into him.

Smiley, there should be no problem if your H interacts with members of the opposite sex (like work colleagues, acquaintances etc.) if it is done in an appropriate way...but as far as close friendships with the opposite sex goes - IMO a spouse can have this type of friendship only if the opposite sex person is a friend of both spouses AND the marriage, and where both spouses can spend time with the person. A one-sided close opposite sex friendship (where the spouse is not part of the friendship and excluded from it) is a danger to a marriage and it is inappropriate to spend time (communication like e-mail, texting, phone; recreational time etc.) alone with such a friend all the time... And this is especially true if the person was wayward and has shown a weakness towards the opposite sex... It's the FWS's responsibility to protect him/herself against their own weaknesses and stay away from such friendships. Most A's initially start off as friendships and/or 'innocent' interactions with the opposite sex (my EA started out that way too).

Friendships with members of the opposite sex should be limited to persons 1) that both spouses know OR 2) that are family members OR 3) that are part of a couple that you both know.

Suzet is correct.

Hi BigK, it seems we need to check the moon's phase again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Suzet is correct. Let's make it more simple. If you don't feel safe as a family friend, then it's inappropriate. If he has to push to keep a friend that makes you feel unsafe, then he is NOT doing the right thing.

It is NOT a matter of what he wants but he needs to uphold the part of the marriage to look out for your interests ahead of his own and you do the same. Of course they must be appropriate interests.

Anything less is not acceptable.

JMHO,
L.

L.

i have issues with friends of the opposite sex unless they are married and we as couples are all friends. every single time i have allowed friends of the opposite sex in relationships, being the trusting soul that i am, it has bit me in the a**.

just my 2 cents.

mlhb

Thank you all for your opinions. It makes me feel better that I did the right thing after all. No response but I know she has read it. There's nothing else I can do.

fist of all, I get the feeling you are fishing with hypotheticals...
if not... you did not do the right thing. What should happen now is you should tell your H that you made contact and why. Do not keep secrets or expect this "friend" to be loyal to you.

how did you get through dating and courtship without this being an issue??? Was this "best friend" at your wedding??? See, bottom line is ANY relationship... man or woman that a spouse cannot share is just wrong. There is ALWAYS a reason that things are hidden...so suspect the worst because it is most likely happening.

I have female friends and if I am not welcome to be part of the couple...then something is wrong and the friendship would need to end. A female friend recently said she felt weird introducing me to her boyfriend because of his jealous nature... I let her know that I would no longer communicate with her since she was keeping it a secret.

Bottom line is, your H either needs to be open about his friendships or they need to go. The really big fish to fry here though is "WHY???" Why has this become an issue. Affiar, seems like the most like of answers.

Sorry you are going through this.

Okay so now I'm feeling like I didn't do the right thing at all. I was going to wait until she responded to tell him but she hasn't. I saw that she wrote him and didn't say anything to him about it. She said that she saw his picture that he sent her and she sent him back a text but he didn't respond. She put in what she wrote. I feel angry that he even texted her but I can't make him stop without letting him know what I know.

Should I continue snooping into this account?

When can I start trusting him again?

He gave me this example. When I used to work at Walmart, men that I work with used to say hi to me just to be nice. He was saying what if I was in that position now, and he wanted to meet every person that said hi to me. How would I feel? I do see his point in that matter. But the only difference that I see is I am not going out of my way to make actual friendships with these men by saying hello outside of work, and saying hello on the internet. Plus, women are just different in my eyes because they can grow an emotional attachment to him.

I just saw he said happy bday to that girl who I suspected likes him. She wrote back saying thank you for the bday wishes. I erased that comment and all the other comments from the other female friends. Am I doing too much? He says they mean nothing really to him so that if I trust him then it shouldn't matter? I hate the fact that they can comment on his page and I can't. I know it is a childish/high school thing of me to want to do but I am so frustrated. He says he doesn't care about this myspace thing and he wished he never even started it. Well then why continue to do sign on?

I don't want him to feel like he can't make friends at work because the reality is he is a friendly guy no matter what and where he is going to work there will be females there. I have to face that fact.

I hate that I feel threatened by them right now even though every single one of them are attached to somebody in some way. I hate that he feels that he doesn't need to introduce me to any of people that he works with because they all know he is married, they know of me. I am not sure why I feel so threatened.

He got angry that I want to meet his female friends and how I'm not making a big deal out of guy friends. To him, friends are just friends.

Anyways things between us has been going better. He says he doesn't see a problem between us now and that the marriage isn't on the rocks to him. I do feel better that he is spending time with us, and me but it's not the alone time that is required to be best friends. I guess a little bit at a time, right?

I am trying to heal, trying to get past the anger. Any advice?

And forgot to mentioned had a whirlwind marriage. Didn't really know each other too well when we got married. We both admit that it was a crazy thing to do but that doesn't mean I don' love him and want to be with him still.

Okay, smileygur80....

Coupla things. First, I'm a married lady, so I walk the walk and talk the talk. I used to work at Walmart, and yes I had some male co-workers with whom I was a friendly person. There were some with whom I was cordial (meaning, I worked with them so I kept it civil) and there were some whom I really enjoyed as human beings and would consider my "friends." However, never EVER in my life would I consider "hiding" any of these male people from my spouse!! In fact, I *DID* make the time and effort to introduce my co-workers to my DH (dear hubby) because I was PROUD to let them know that I am married to him!!

Second, when I say I was "friends" with them, I did do not do things with them socially outside of work hours. Some I found had similar interests, so I would speak to them a little about a game or an anime that we both enjoyed, but my focus even then was including my spouse and family in the conversation. For me, as a human being, I am very friendly and enjoy talking to people, but I absolutely DO NOT allow any other person to meet my EN's except for my spouse...because I made a vow to HIM that I would consider him in EVERY SINGLE action that I take!

For us, in our marriage, we do not have friends of the opposite sex unless we are both present and the other person's spouse is also present. Thus, for example, my DH used to work with a christian lady and stayed friends with her after he left to open his own business. He introduced us (so I knew her), WE stayed in touch with her, and we frequently go out with DH and I and her and her DH for dinner dates. My DH does not write, IM, or meet with her alone--and I do not write to, IM with, or meet with other men alone. EVER. I do this to protect him...and to protect my own vulnerability to getting LoveBank deposits by someone other than my spouse.

smileygur80, there is nothing "wrong" with you looking at your husband's TM's, IM's or emails. After all, if he is guiltless, he has nothing to hide. HOWEVER, the part that *is* wrong is that you are being sneaky and hiding it from him. If you suspect he is being unfaithful and are using this as a means of confirming what your inner voice knows to be true...then a brief time of "evidence gathering" may be appropriate....but to continue to be hiding and sneaking is not be transparently honest on YOUR part. That IS your issue.

Thus, here's my suggestion to you. It is appropriate for you to ask to be introduced and included with every single friend he has in his life. If he balks, then that means it's an EA (emotional affair) at least...maybe more. If he gets mad, he's trying to deflect the issue and maybe put his issue onto you. Just keep repeating yourself until he addresses YOU and your request...like this:

YOU--I would like to be introduced to and included withh every one of your female friends.
WH--That's crazy! How would you feel if you had to introduce me to every male person you said hi to?
YOU--I don't know but that's not what I'm talking about now. I would like to be introduced to and included with every one of your female friends.
WH--I already said no! I have every right to be friends with anyone I want to. Don't you trust me?
YOU--No I don't, but that's not what I'm talking about right now. I would like to be introduced to and included with every one of your female friends.
WH--But there's nothing wrong with our marriage! Do you want to screw it all up by trying to control me?
YOU--No I don't. I would like to be introduced to and included with every one of your female friends.
WH--What the H#LL do you want from me? To be a hermit!!
YOU--I would like to be introduced to and included with every one of your female friends.

See what I mean??

So keep repeating yourself and keep YOUR side of the road clean. Do not sneak and hide things from him unless it's for the brief time of "evidence gathering" to confirm an A. If you are not comfortable with being excluded from a web-page he has, don't sneak over there and delete stuff--tell him to his face, "Honey, I am not comfortable being excluded from your page. I request either that you allow me full access to that page or that the page be deleted." Same for emails, IMs, TMs....all of it. I share EVERY SINGLE email, IM and TM with my spouse (even IMs inside games, etc.) so that he is completely safe--because I have nothing to hide. There is nothing in any email, IM or TM that I have not already said directly to his face or discussed with him ahead of time and decided together it's wise to say.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Has he actually said you are not allowed to leave comments on his MySpace page? It's okay for random women to leave comments but you aren't allowed to do so? If he hasn't said any such thing, then just start leaving him loving comments as if it is the most natural thing to do (which it would be if, say, you were boyfriend & girlfriend in high school or college...I think it's ridiculous for a married man to be doing the MySpace social networking thing.)

Also, I think it probably was confusing to that woman to receive a friendly message from you and then be told not to tell your husband ... it's almost as if you were acknowledging & endorsing the fact that you are leading separate social lives.

Smiley, please listen to FaithfulWifeCJ and fiatflux. Excellent posts and suggestions.

You should definitely NOT trust your H right now because he acts untrustworthy and disrespectful. He first needs to EARN back your trust and make you feel safe - part of that is to protect you, himself and the marriage by keeping strong & healthy boundaries with the opposite sex and not having any one-sided opposite sex friendships where you are excluded from it. (Please refer back to my previous post).

I can't make comments to his page without him adding me to his friends list. I am asking him again politely to add me. He said before that he sometimes just wants his own thing, his own friends. I think it's just dumb to exclude me when he says it seriously does not matter to him and that stuff is superficial to him.

I plan on telling him about the email just waiting for her to respond. Since it doesn't seem like she is going to then I will just go ahead and let him know by telling him myself.

I wrote him twice in an email talking about rebuilding trust again today. He will read it tommorrow morning. I do not know how he will respond.

He says to get over everything myself since I"m the only one with the problem. He agrees with the counselor that he wont ever change because he doesn't see a problem with his behavior.

I am wondering if I should message that girl who posted a complimentary comment to my DH. He DID say if I ever have a problem with something that another person did to just confront that person myself instead of getting mad at him about it since he has no control over it.

Smiley, also read MelodyLane’s posts to sandigirrl on THIS THREAD (just click on the link). Her advice and comments is applicable on your situation too.

TY Suzet. I'll check it out.