Well, I wouldn't call it giving up, not quite. I just don't have any more advice 2 offer, when I know it won't be considered.

I have invested more time than I really have, on giving you some of my experience-based advice in light of the si2ation you're in.

Also, you're on MarriageBuilders. And this is the way they do things.

In the end, there aren't really any "wrong" ways 2 do this, though there may be more expedient methods than your modifications of the MB methods.

Each of us has 2 find these things out for ourselves. That's what life is about.

I've got 2 go work on our apartment.

-ol' 2long

BB,

I don't like your plan much. I agree with others that you are telling her to keep kicking you in the groin and you will take it. However, IF you are really going to do it, do it with dignity and keep your eyes open. You may learn something useful.

God Bless,

JL

Most people don't think its good either.1 close friend that has been through this almost identical situation 10 years ago thinks it’s Ok. They separated then eventually got back 10 years ago. It was nasty, worse than my situation actually. They are happier than ever now. This was his second marriage. He told me, do it know while you agree to talk and are civil...don’t be use the Lb as mentioned here. But don't hold you thoughts and goals back either. Air you positions and opinions without anger or belittlement, and then see what happens. I have little to lose.
If it doesn’t work so be it? life goes on
Thanks for your more positive outlook JL
BB
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

[censored], bb...

Why are you even here?

You don't use MB methods.

You ask for "advice" and then do something opposite.


I suppose.

Bye.

-ol' 2long

2long,

I've only been lurking on this thread, because quite honestly, you (and others) were giving bb sound advice that he was just ignoring over and over.

I'm only 60 days out from D-Day and dealing with my own issues, but in hindsight, the ONLY actions that I regret, were the ones I DIDN'T do. I was very proactive to get to as good of a place as we find ourselves in now, but the things that continue to bother me are opportunities that I MISSED for whatever reason, and I'm afraid that is where bb is going to find himself in the near future ... lamenting his INACTIONS.

Thanks for the advice MyRevelation. There are other view points out there even if others cannot see them.

My life like yours, I only regret inaction in retrospect.

2long…..Sorry but I would prefer if you don’t post here any longer. Frankly I don’t care for your style. Content is good but not your attitude


BB

bb, you've got a deal!

BB,

What is up? what have you decided?

JL

Hi JL
Was out of town for the better part of the week picking up the EX and visiting our Son. Plus I am still not sure were everything stands. Was a difficult week.
Let’s start
I went to Seattle to meet her for the secret rendezvous. It went well and we were glad to see each other and talk. And talk we did. Countless hours over the next 5 days on the road and in Vancouver. She was brutally honest about what happened over the last months. More than I really wanted to hear but I could help but listen and ask questions. It was very tough but once I got home I felt better about our future friendship. Possibility of reconciliation is there but it is somewhat remote.

Here is the kicker she is in a serious relationship with the OM, no doubt now. She tells me she has thought of leaving him a few times but has not.
The night of meeting her in Seattle without this very controlling Om knowing, we had Sex in the Hotel room. See has been in my home town for a week now and since that night in Seattle we have had sex almost every day for the last 2 weeks. The OM insists she calls him every day and she does. However she wants me too and is with me every day. Is she close emotionally? No, not always. Changes from to moment.. It is confusing but call me a pig but I can’t help but ****** her every chance we get.

I believe that she is very confused and so do our friends. Plan B will be the action of my choice in last few days she is here. Call it selfish but the sex is great and I won’t stop that.

Strange twist came in my life this week that I didn’t ses coming. A wonderful promotion was offered to me in another town that is very attractive to me. I have wanted to move there for a long time. I have decided this weekend to take it. I will have to Nov to move.

I plan to use plan B with the prevision that she leaves the control freak OM and follow me in this other town when my daughter and I move. If not I move on. I am happy with this decision on the EX and will follow the consequences that follow good or bad.

I wish to be friendly with the EX for the kids sake and am confident that we can be friendly in the future.

BB

bb,

Congratulations on your promotion and planned move. It might help you and daughter get a new start on things. If I were a betting man, she will return to OM and live to regret it. We'll see.

Did your W see and talk with your daughter? How did the daughter handle seeing and talking to your W after all of this?

I do wish you would do the reading here and develop the tool set necessary for a good relationship and to help deal with the situation as it stands. You will need this information if/when your W returns to OM.

The problem you have now is that your W is confusing "control" for "love". She does not know the difference which is probably part of the problem in your marriage and clearly will be a big problem in her relationship with OM. As for her coming back, consider this.

If she gets disillusioned with OM, and comes back would you take her back???

I would say to you that you are a fool if you did take her back. Why would I say that. If she has not learned anything about marriages and relationships then the situation still exists that she will try to find someone better later. She will and should obtain counseling before she returns to you IF that actually happens.

As long as she is around plan A her, and when she leaves go to plan B and that coupled with your move to a new town should give a few things to think about as well as remove you from the drama of all of this.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

PS: you may not that I am not very optimistic about this and I am usually an optimistic guy. The reason is your daughter. When a woman leaves her child to go with OM, the chances of recovery...full recovery are not good. There are some very deep emotional issues at play in this case. Hence the recommendation for counseling before you take her back.

bb,

To add to JL's post, if I were you I might pick up a scrip of anti-d's. After spending all that time with WW, and having so much SF with her, I think you are going to experience a terrible low/emotional crash, after she leaves again.

What you are going through is very traumatic, couple that with a move, job change and the worry over your DD...it may end up to be more than you can handle without some temp help to keep you a bit steady, sleeping and eating, and all that.

Thanks JL and Weaver

Weaver I started on an anti depressant 3 weeks ago. I too am worried about the crash after she goes back to Mexico. It will be inevitable. Hopefully the drugs and the activity for the new job will keep me focused.

JL
I like you believe she will go back to the OM and live to regret it. The odds are slim here and i have little faith that she is ready to seriously try again. My best friend that no longer lives in my town was here for the weekend. He knew my wife very well. He even introduced us to each other. He said she was very confused and to give her the boot. Not as simple for me but i know he is right.

My Daughter, Yes they talked and did some shopping. It has been slightly tense but my daughter is glad to see here. she did tell my wife to leave me alone and stop torturing me among other things. My wife has been troubled by this herself. At least my daughter is supportive of me, it is very pleasing to me.

Would I take her back JL? I am less certain of that now. She needs a lot of work and i am not sure she is ready for that. I do feel better this week about probable outcomes. Her decision is hers and my life will go on regardless. My Kids love me and i am not a bad person. I have a good career, good friends; I don't drink or do drugs and am not violent nor run around. There must be women out there that would want me?

Another new twist came up with the OM. This guy is obviously a control freak from everything my wife said. Surprising since I was never remotely like that and she was always a very independent and responsible ER Nurse that took charge herself?
Turns out I find out that the OM has been hiding in Mexico for the last 5 years because of outstanding charges against him in the US. His EX wife had charged him with stalking her during their divorce and he was obviously avoiding the court. My wife said" He was getting arrested every time he flew somewhere so he decided to move to Mexico"? His EX doesn’t even know were he is today. The only reason he was able to return to the US and hook up with my wife is that the charges were dropped. His Daughter in law told his EX that if she didn't drop the charges she couldn't see her grandkids. This allowed him to travel again.

My concern is with my Wife's well being. If this guy was hiding in Mexico for so many years he must be guilty of something? He told my wife it is all a fabrication. I find that impossible to believe since his EX would not have been so persistent over that many years unless there was truth there? His EX also just remarried this year I heard. I found out a little info on her and plan on trying to contact her? I really feel I must find out if my EX is safe or not. I would hate to see anything bad happen to her regardless of what happened between us. The kids need her in their life’s forever. I am really worried!

Thanks again for all the comments, keep them coming. I know i am confused and doing irrational things but the advice is helpful, even if it has to be repeated over and over again?
BB

bb:

You don't have 2 read my posts if you don't want 2 (in fact, if you click on my username and select "ignore this user", you won't even have 2 see them).

But this sitch screams out for some "obvious" MB responses:


Don't forget that he's no expert on recovering marriages after infidelity, and so his advice may not necessarily be "right" for you. In the end, you need 2 make your own choices, but if you're going 2 consider advice from others, why not consult a professional? That way, whatever happens, you'll have no regrets long term, because you will know you did all you could.


It is good that your daughter is supportive, but be careful of putting her in an uncomfortable position as a go-between you and your W. It is good that she's supportive of you, but it would be better if she's supportive of the marriage, first. Also, she's not an expert either, so be careful.

As for the devlopments about the OM. Here's what most MBers would advise you do:

*Let the OM find out about your time spent with your W. Nothing blows a fantasy apart like removing the secrecy - in this case you're telling her affair partner that his partner is still behaving like a wife around her husband behind his back.

*Find out what the charges against the OM are here in the US, find out whether they have really been dropped, and regardless of the answers 2 those questions, inform the authorities of his whereabouts. Don't threaten 2 do this, just do it. Telling the truth is never wrong.

*Tell his EX where he is, if you know.

*
*Obviously, the XW needs 2 know that's what you believe he did. Maybe she'll press charges again. In any case, all parties involved need 2 know the truth of what he's been doing. You need this 2 deflate your W's fantasy.

Are you really divorced? You've been calling your W "my EX." If you're just separated, you're still married. And you're still married until the ink is dry on the divorce decree. Make that stand.

-ol' 2long

Hey, 2long! Long time, etc.

bb1961, reconsider and re-read 2long's posts. He is 100% on this. Especially, the exposure.

There aren't family members on your w's side who could help leverage her out of the affair, but GUESS WHAT!

If you get the OM on the phone or on IM or email or snailmail, and tell him how cozy you and your wife have been, THAT counts as exposure. It will blot out the affair and blow away the fog.

Normally it isn't worthwhile for the betrayed spouse to contact the OP. Here, if you want your M, I really think it would help.

My 2 cents.

Oh, were you using protection during sex? STD's you know.

Hi bb,

just wanted to add a few things.

Why do you think OM is a control freak? does W say that?, kind of like the W that dosen't want to say her feelings so she tells them through someone else, like the W that says to the sales man, I will have to ask my H if I can buy that.

I may be ignorant to this, but I thought when you went through Mexico if you had outstanding warrants in US they wouldn't let you through.

Why would you allow yourself to be the OM now?

Why would you tell someone on this site that you don't want them posting here anymore?

2long, I am impressed with your determination AND i have to say I too feel your frustration when your good advice is given, only to be ignored...

Kinda like the guy in the lighthouse watching in horror as the drunk ships captain slowly keeps heading for the rocks of the shore.

I know this doesn't help but i had to agree with 2long on this one, dead on 2long, dead on.

Good luck with the faux-MB plan, but you can't beat the real thing.

bb, I have read through this HORROR story and all i can say is
1 you "wife" is unable to have a healthy realtionship for what ever reason
2. she is insane
3. you are addicted to her and also insane
4. neither one of you have any business around a 17 year old child

you.. get into drug addiction counseling
expend all your energy getting free of this addiction and careing for your daughter
protect your finances
get a DIVORCE
jerseyboy

jb:

I see you're new here.

Care 2 post your story, so we know where you're coming from?

-ol' 2long

2long
fair enough
i'll do it here since the bio section doesnt seem large enoguh
me. catholic 35 mba her anglican 34...good company, good sex similare families ect. I was moving toward marriage but.. something was bothering me.. and I guess I moved to slow she met a guy at work.. she teased he called her on it.. she started sleeping with him.. she liked it..during this we had stopped having sex`because she feared cancer due to birth control pills..
she stopped taking them for ME..but continued taking them for HIM. I discovered the pills.. was hurt ( CRUSHED) and wanted to end it.. she said "no, dont give up.". "i want you to compete for me". ( She wasnt sure of him yet) I did.. 2 weeks later she said "you are losing" 2 weeks after that she dropped me .. One month after that HE left HER.. I tried a reconcilation.. she said she would try IF i agree to no sex`for me but let her have sex with HIM.. THAT fried it for me.. when she said that .. i lost ALL love for her
prior to this we had been in couples counseling.for many months.. therpiat later told me ""i'm glad "you " broke it off..she has real deep problems.. probably incest""
(( he didnt know SHE had blown me off)) you cant make this stuff up
jb

sorry to jump in here.
JB, you sound like you have it together, how are you? are you getting better from being crushed?
Have you spoke to her?
I feel bad for her if there has been some incest.
I feel bad that you had to go through that also, its hard on us isn't it?