i may be wrong about this but it's how i feel. after 2 affairs by wife i am lost. i found out about the a's almost a year ago but i can't seem to get over them. i have talked to my wife about what i feel we need to heal and even counceling but nothing has seem to work. i want to leave for a while but i can't make myself do it. the only reason i can't leave is because of our 4yr old son. she has not shown remorse. last week she said she would make us a marriage counceling appt. since thats what i feel we need. the only problem is it's been over a week and she has not mentioned it since. i am at the point of having no emotion or feelings anymore. this is a scary place for me because i have always been outgoing and caring. i am finally getting strong enough to give up. what should i do?

ronc, you need to stay in the marriage for the sake of your 4 yr old son. He needs you. Please don't get your wife pregnant again. Not fair to the child.

How did her affairs end?

Ron,

Take responsibility for your recovery and make the appointment.

how do you stay in a marriage where there is nothing? we don't talk, we don't make love, and we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. i am just miserable and unhappy. it is not because i haven't tried because i have never left one time thru out this whole deal. my health is going down, i can't focus on anything anymore, and i am just lost. if she would have only showed some remorse to what shes done then it would have been easier. i am afraid if i make the appt. she won't go and that would destroy me. i have asked her 10 times to go but her answer was always NO! thanks everyone.

Ron, to be honest with you I don’t know enough about your situation to know if it’s worth saving or not. That being said, as an official member of the “Been There Done That” club, I have learned where my power and focus need to be. So let me ask you some questions:

1. “””how do you stay in a marriage where there is nothing?”””

What are you doing, besides not leaving, to make something out of nothing?

2. “””we don't talk”””

What are you doing to open up the lines of communication?

3. “””we don't make love”””

What are you doing to bring intimacy back into your relationship?

4. “””i am just miserable and unhappy.”””

What are you doing to allow yourself not to be miserable and make yourself happy?

5. “””my health is going down”””

What are you doing to improve your health?

6. “””i can't focus on anything anymore”””

What are you doing to learn to focus?

7. “””i am just lost”””

What are you doing to become found?

Look at those 7 things, many of them do not go away with divorce. Sure some of them could but many will also be compounded. I ain’t saying you should stay or go, but I am saying that you need to look at what is in your power to do and utilize your power.

“””i am afraid if i make the appt. she won't go and that would destroy me.”””

With the list of areas that need some care and attention in your life, do you not think that you could benefit from some counseling? I do. So make an appointment and invite her along. If she refuses, that worst thing that happens is that you’ll have more time and opportunity to work on you. Don’t sound like a half bad plan to me. As I see it you have indirect under utilized influence on the 1st three items and direct under utilized power on the last four, so learn to utilize your power.

I am sorry for your pain. I went through something similar 6 years ago.

My question to you is this...

Look at yourself... Are you someone you would want to be with? You sound severely depressed, and my first recommendation would be evaluation for depression with possible short term medication. I had a similar time, and was on an antidepressant for a few months and it helped me tremendously.

Then I would recommend you determine AT THAT POINT whether you have a marriage worth working on and fixing. No one, especially not a Wayward spouse, will want to be with you if you have not healed yourself. So, regardless of anything you might think about concerning your WS, if you aren't better, YOU will be the one worse off. Your wife MIGHT want to be with you, and work on things if she saw something in you. She might also only be staying with you out of guilt. Regardless, the marriage you have described will not last, and is NO place for your daughter to be raised.

Work on yourself, get evaluation and treatment for depression, become who you want to be in life REGARDLESS of your wife. THEN decide whether you can change your interaction with your wife for the positive.

No one wants an old junker car... but few can resist the aura of a rebuilt classic.

Be the rebuilt classic car... for yourself, your daughter, and hopefully your wife. See if she is willing to do something after she has something to do it for.