I was recently told by my wife that she had an affair with my best friend. This happened "5 or 6" times over a 2 month period. I am willing to forgive her and work things out, but I have two major problems... Number 1, I am in Iraq so I can not be with her. Number 2, My EX best friend is telling my wife that he is in love with her and will not stop calling. I have 3 weeks until I get my R&R. My EX friend is horribily mad that she doesn't want the affair anymore and is using the fact that he has stuff at our house to make contact with my wife. He tells her that we can NEVER fix this and is trying to tear us apart. A restraining order is in the works, but how do I try to fix our marriage being so far away? (Unfortunatly, comming home is not an option) I have 8 more months. Im hurting bad from this but Im trying to keep a postive attitude with my wife but this hurts, and there isn't anyone that can help here. I know this may be odd, please tell me if Im nuts, but this is like a burn and my wife is the ice water that makes the burn stop. Talking to her on the phone is the only thing that makes me feel better (even though she was the one that did it). Please help me. I Love her with all my heart, and she has told me how bad she messed up. I know she regrets this.

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Votes accepted starting: 11/25/07 04:23 PM
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Did your wife tell you why she did this? Having the affair in your home is so hurtful and disrespectful. How has she been showing her remorse? Doing this with your bestfriend is such a double betrayal. What did she expect to happen.
She needs to be tested for STD's.

The good news is that from what you told us it sounds like your WW came to you rather than you having to snoop to find out. That means your WW is probably willing to work on the marriage. Is the other man married? If so you need to expose to his W. If not, try to expose to his parents/family. You should post on the general message board. You will probably get more responses over there. RIF may be able to help you. He gives good advice and is currently on duty in Afghanistan I believe. Good luck to you.

She has told me that she is willing to do ANYTHING to save our marriage. She knows this was wrong and how bad it's hurting me. She is willing to goto counseling or anything. Im not worried about STD's. She says she did this because Brandon told her a bunch of lies and she was mad because we had a big fight over him being around. I used to tell Brandon all our problems (He was my best friend) And she would talk to him too. He used everything I told him to talk her into the affair.I just don't know how to work this out so far away. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Can we work this out so far away??

How long have you been married? Do you have any children? Has she had a past history of flirting or cheating on you? Has she a past history of cheating on previous boyfriends. Something seems so wrong to have this affair with your best friend. You wrote that this ex-friend left his things at your home which means the affair was done in your home. It is good that she confessed but the damage is so severe because of such a double betrayal. If the roles were reversed how do you think your wife would be acting?

It is so unfair you are fighting overseas and now this. How does one regain trust after all this? She really has to know why she did this and how to be sure it does not happen again. I wish you luck.

It should be easier to fix your M with you far away and your W is willing to work on it than if you were here and your W was not willing to work on it. It is more difficult with you not being with her but you can do it. Others have. Like I said, you should move your posts to the general message boards. There is a lot more traffic there and RIF usually posts there. I don't remember his exact story but I know he and others have had to fix their M while overseas. Not that others can't help you here but I'm sure hearing it from someone else that has gone through your exact situation might give you some confidence right now. As you and W have both probably learned, talking about M problems with someone of the opposite sex is an A waiting to happen. Obviously she needs to have no contact with XBF and she shouldn't seek counsel from any other male friends as well. The fact that she has come to you is a really good sign and will make things much easier that she is wanting to end the A and work on the M. Hang in there. Most M can and do survive A and in many cases will be stronger than before if you both work at it.

Im not sure how to move my post. Im just glad that I have a place that I can tell my story and get advice. This is really hard on me right now as I do love her as much as I do. Im not sure how to handle my feelings. Is it normal that I need to talk to her right now? It seems that im ok when Im on the phone with her, but as soon as I get off the phone, the hurt starts again. I wake in the morning and the first thing that I think about is the Affair. As far as BRYANP: Yes, the affair happened at my house. I have 3 step kids with her that are my own. And we have been married for 3 years. Things were perfect for the first year I was gone, then the EX best friend was kicked out of his house. I told my wife NOT to let him stay at ours but she did anyway. She didnt lie, but refusd to allow me to tell what she could and couldnt do. She has NO history of cheating before this and has been good to me. Can I stop the pain?

Im not sure how to move my post. Im just glad that I have a place that I can tell my story and get advice. This is really hard on me right now as I do love her as much as I do. Im not sure how to handle my feelings. Is it normal that I need to talk to her right now? It seems that im ok when Im on the phone with her, but as soon as I get off the phone, the hurt starts again. I wake in the morning and the first thing that I think about is the Affair. As far as BRYANP: Yes, the affair happened at my house. I have 3 step kids with her that are my own. And we have been married for 3 years. Things were perfect for the first year I was gone, then the EX best friend was kicked out of his house. I told my wife NOT to let him stay at ours but she did anyway. She didnt lie, but refusd to allow me to tell what she could and couldnt do. She has NO history of cheating before this and has been good to me. Can I stop the pain?

LIT,

Is OM in the military? If so, it would be beneficial to expose to his chain of command. Affairs aren't so pretty once the light of day is shining on them. Otherwise, you can expose to his family/friends etc. MelodyLane gave me this advice when I was early in this...I wish I listened to her...it would have saved me much grief.

I think you really need to seriously look at what has gone on here. No husband would accept having his wife allow an ex-boyfriend to move into your home and play house. When you told her no and she did it anyway it was a clear sign that she no longer respected you. It is not a question of control. If the roles were reversed what wife would accept an ex lover to move into her home while she was gone?

When she allowed her ex lover to move into your home against your wishes then you can be sure she knew exactly what would happen. I know you love her but you really need to ask yourself what a kind of a wife would engage in such disrespect and humiliation toward her own husband in his own home? I know you are so very hurt and lonely right now but you need to seriously look at the situation. You deserve so much more in your life and she has degraded your marriage in the worst possible way by letting another man and former lover move into your home. When you return you really need to access the situation. I don't know how or why you could ever trust her again in any meaningful way. This is just my opinion and I wish you luck.

I wish I could say that he is military but hes not. I thought about telling his friends/family, but his parents hate him. Thats why he ws at our house to begin with, they couldnt deal with him and kicked him out. His friends don't live in the same area. But now, he is telling all her friends that this happened and my wife is hurting even more. I know she is the guilty one, but I still ahve the need to protect her. The OM works with one or her closest friends and our son is best friends with their son. (The people he is working for) So now my wife is terrified that our son is going to find out.

BRYANP,

The OM was not her ex. They have always just been friends. He was my best friend, so I think I confused you by saying my EX best friend. Her reaon for allowing him to move in was that she could not put a friend on the street. She knows she was wrong for this now. Im not sure she would have allowed him to move in normally, but we got in a huge fight about him spending so much time at the house when noone else was there. This just made her even more angry that I was try to "Control" her. This was her way of getting even. Once he was in, she told me that she felt safer with a guy around. (We don't live in the best neighborhood) That's why he stayed.

You will have to retype your post on the other board. You can just highlight and copy your original post here and paste it on a new thread. I would put in your sig line that you are on duty overseas. That should bring you help from people that have gone through the same thing you are going through.

The first thing I would recommend is both of you reading His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. W needs to understand that you were right by not wanting OM in your house. There are boundaries that need to be kept to prevent A from happening and she broke those boundaries. Reading those books will help her understand where she went wrong and will help both of you have a better M. It is very common for you to feel the need to talk to her. It's common to feel insecure after being betrayed by the one person that is suppose to be on your side. If you both work at it you can regain trust in her and you will get through this.

How old are your children?

The first thing she needs to agree to is to have no contact with this man. NO CONTACT at all. This should be non-negotiable. In an ideal situation you'd be able to verify that No Contact is being maintained. You aren't able to do that while deployed. She says she wants to do anything to repair the marriage. It sounds like you don't want to end the marriage either, those are both good things. There are limits to what you can achieve while separated, but I believe progress can still be made if both are truly putting forth effort. What would make you feel more secure?

Yes, it is normal for you to want to talk to her and feel needy and compulsive. Its also normal for you to be tormented by the knowledge of the A.

Ok, I will move the Post. I will still check here to. I need all the help I can get, two is better than one.

I'm confused - is it HER house, or is joint property? If it's a house that both of you own together, I can't see how you indicating your preferences about who can and can't stay over can be interpreted as "controlling". After all, it's YOUR property as well as hers, and you have all right to have some say in the way that it's used.

Thanks for clearing this up. There are a couple of points that need to be considered. First, why didn't after the first sex act she realized what she was doing was wrong? Why did it take 6 sex acts and 2 months to figure it out? Second, I am curious but you said you do not have to worry about her getting STD's. Why since this guy sounds like a real low life.

Finally, your wife was using a rationalization that is classic for all cheating wifes. You ask that another man not live in your home and she responds you are "controlling". This is a classic line of cheaters. Does this mean that anytime you wish to stop her from doing something that harmful to your marriage that you will be controlling?
There is just something about this story that tells me you have not heard the whole story. She does not act or seem to understand what it means to be married. I wish you luck.

The STD's thing is simple to answer. I have known every woman he was ever with. Up until my wife. We were best friends.
As far as the controlling thing, she was never this way before. This was a new one on me. She started hanging around people that were not so good if you will and she allowed them to tell her that this shouldn't be a problem if I trust her. And she took their words for it. She said that she and the kids felt safer having a man in the house and the kids enjoyed her time. The 5 or 6 thing is one thing that Im having trouble with. She did tell me that she was looking to get a divorce after we got into such a big fight. this fight went on for 2 days non-stop. She was just tired of it and he kept feeding her lies that she believed because he was my best friend. This is how he helped to manipulate the situation.

I sincerely doubt that he told you about *very* woman he was with. If he's as sleazy as appears to be from your comments, there are probably a few on the list that he chose to *not* tell you about.

Do not take the chance - have the STD tests done, for both yourself and your WW.