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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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Thanks, Bit. I am definitely not leaving my home or my wife and children. Time to put PLAN A in action.
Last edited by SteveinJAX; 08/16/10 12:37 PM.
Me: BH (35)
WW (29)
DD (5)
DS (1)
D-Day: EA 8/7/10
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Thought I'd chime in as a BH who stupidly moved out of the house, thinking it was the right thing to do (before I found MB).
As if you need any more reasons not to move out--consider that once you move out, the AP is virtually guaranteed to be welcomed into your home by WS.
If you do manage to make it to recovery after moving out, your marital home now has the STANK of AP all over it. The home will be a triggerfest.
In my case... we're now debating selling our hard-earned home in a down market, just to get away from it.
Don't do it!
BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.
In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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I agree, I think this goes for BS in general, this isn't a decision any of us made, the WS decided to leave the marriage, they should go if any one does. The family home stays in tact, for the marriage and the children..........
This is where you have to stay strong and firm with your boundaries.......
Let them figure out where they go and how they will manage the finances........
all part of being a wayward..........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Rarely do we have to tell WOMEN not to leave their homes. It is the MEN who have to be told this. They are so accustomed to being bullied and oppressed by female tyrants that they have to be instructed on how to defend themselves and their children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow Stuck. You hit it right on the head. Although WW and I are not in recovery yet (big yet there!) I have been thinking more and more of this in the event we do recover. I too stupidly moved out and it wasn't long before AP (2 of them BTW) got their "stank" all over it. I've added one more stipulation to my list of must dos in order to recover and that's to sell the house.
Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet
Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would add to the do not leave home, do not allow your wife to take the children from the marital home.
I stayed in the home, but made the mistake of allowing my child to go with my now XW when she got her apartment and left. I did not believe she was having an affair, and of course I was wrong.
The only one to leave should be the one who wants to leave. If she wants to take the children, that's a line you will not cross. Get an attorney and seek protection to keep the children in the marital home.
Even if you think it's not likely she's having an affair, better safe than sorry.
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I will go as so far to say that if you leave your marital home, whether a ww or a wh is involved, that the STANK WILL ENTER THE HOME no matter what.
Whenever the bs leaves the home, the crazy affair-addicted and wacked out wayward, feels further entitled to do crazy things, and of COURSE they will do as one of the first items on their "how to become a super duper cheater" list is to bring the posom or posow into the family home.
My xwh did that, but I moved out b/c of something he did (involved an incident of spousal abuse and I was out within like a half hour with police involvement).
I left, filed for divorce, and did not return to my family home, my once dream home I built. My next door neighbors called me THE NEXT DAY saying that (I left on a friday)that the posow had apparently flew into town and spent the whole weekend there, except that my xwh had her put her car in the garage the whole time, and that when they'd pull out of the garage, he'd tell her to hold her head down or something b/c it was apparent he knew people were watching them.
How sad is that...having somebody make you PRETEND you're not with them when riding in a car. (evil snicker)
So YES, they will SKANK AND PUT THE STANK all over your home sweet home if given an inch to do so.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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BUMPI think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can have space"� and "think about the marriage."� The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.
Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children's security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.
She often has fantasies of replacing the BS with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.
Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:
1. It enables the affair
2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts - and yes it is abandonment!
3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you can't recover if you aren't there!]
4. Many men, on this very forum, have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes
5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the risk they will be sexually molested/abused/killed
6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother's brain has been abducted by aliens.
In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.
I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman wouldn't sacrifice her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some "space."� The only way I would leave is if my husband's pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM!
If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can have "space,"� suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!
If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don't despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say "HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!" and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.
THIS ADVICE ALSO APPLIES TO FEMALE BETRAYED SPOUSES!
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