***Removed WW's Letter***

DM... I found it.
This was my first letter done with Jennifers guidance.

Dear WW
A light bulb has gone on for me. In the last week I have been learning so much and understanding so much. I see things more clearly and now know my hearts desire and direction that I would prefer. The change you have seen in me over the last few days is because I am looking ahead at recovering our marriage, and if you choose us I am 100% committed to protect you from any possible thoughtless behavior. I want to be a source of your happiness. I don't think we are done and I hope we cannot only survive but thrive. I desire to live my life with you and
rebuild a new marriage. I desire to raise or children together in the same household. I desire you!

With all my Love
BS

((((((DM)))))))

I'm sorry, man, I know that was hard for you to read and to post. It's hard for me to believe that four months could completely change the way someone felt, when the feelings ran that deep. I sure do agree with Jennifer, you should try to keep up with Plan A if you can handle it for a while longer. I would give it back to her with your response/letter that Jen told you to write. Remember that the people here on this board are not the MB professionals, and since you are one of the people who has the benefit of the pro's, I think you should follow their advice. I know it is hard, and I know you are so sad, but you have to believe that if she felt this strongly just a few weeks ago, she can come back around.

Also, think about this...since she is a person who has a hard time expressing herself (she admitted that in the letter) and you say she has been very quiet, then you really have no idea what she is thinking, right? She may be a whirlwind of emotions and turmoil on the inside, and is just looking for the right moment to make things better between you. She may be scared to put herself out there again, thinking you may change your mind again. So, to hang in there a while longer and show her that you care may be just what she is hoping for...You said she wrote you that letter b/c she couldn't tell you her feelings, right. And look what she wrote! It wasn't that long ago, DM, don't lose hope yet!!!

Thanks for the letter, TMTS. Can I ask how many you've given her? I'm going to work on mine tonight, but now I feel like I have so much more I want to say. I'm going to ask Jennifer what she thinks about responding to W's Email as part of the strategy.

LaLa, I agree. I can't believe those feelings could change so fast. It was just a month and half later that she did a complete 180. I was trying and wanting to take her back, but I couldn't. I could see she wasn't there 100%. She was obviously incapable because she was still in the A.

I'm not ready to give up. I still miss her and think about her 24/7. But I NEED to do something before she get's in too far with OM2. Jennifer says I need to swallow the whole respect thing right now if I want make this work, but I'm worried about the damage it causing if we WERE to go into R later. Maybe she's already taken it too far? It's easier right now that she's in NYC and I know she's not with him, but it'll be a different story when she gets back. She said she's coming back on Saturday, so I invited her to meet me on Sunday, but she gave me the run around. I think she's planning to see him instead.

I wrote one, it wads about a month ago. I'm working on #2, so we can compare notes.

Hi DM..

I've just caught up on your thread, I've missed the last few pages...I too, have been told by Jennifer to keep Plan A going (for as long as I can), and to write my WS a letter. (my pre Plan B letter..it's on my thread)

I gave it to her, and since I wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't disappointed.....I've heard nothing. Jennifer feels that the letter helps to keep the WS off balance, as I understand it.

As for me, I'm pretty much done...I've Plan A'd as much as I can, I'm tired of it, tired of giving, and getting less and less. Like you, I still love her, and want things to work, but I just can't give any more. If anything is going to happen, it's going to have to be done by her. I'm starting to think about my Plan B letter.

If you can, keep doing your Plan A. I'm behind you!

Ron

Hey DM...how ya doin today?

Thanks, Ron.
I've been following your thread, but haven't had much time to post lately. It looks like our paths are becoming even more similar. I completely understand what you mean. I will stop by your thread in a bit.

Hi Lala,
I'm doing okay. I have been working on the letter, which i'll post in a second. Thanks for stopping by and checking.

This is the first letter, but I've left out a lot of what I want to say. I've sent a copy of it to jennifer along with W's Email to see if she approves of it. Please give me your honest opinion on it. Thanks.

***REVISING LETTER***

I think it is a great letter, DM. See what Jennifer says, though, cuz I'm new myself, and sometimes it's hard to predict what the experts would say about these things.

Have you spoken to her today (your W)? I know she was trying to blow you off about dinner when she gets back. Just wondered if she changed her mind...

Post deleted by DrowningMan

Post deleted by DrowningMan

Boards have been kinda slow the last week. I'm here for ya, though, and I'm sure toomuch will be around after his mediation meeting. Hang in there!

Need some advice please.

WW is coming back from her trip tomorrow. We talked briefly this morning and we've been texting each other. It was going well, so I asked if she wanted to do something when she got back. She said she "needs more time."

I guess that means two things. 1) She is going to see OM2. 2) she might be unsure of things.

How should I respond to this?

I'd like to say that I'll give her the time she needs, but to spend it alone and not with OM2. I'm also thinking of telling her that the door has opened for me to start dating as well, but I've decided not to because I want to recover our marriage.

Not that I think any of this will work, but I need to try and atleast put it in her head that it's not ok, right?

any thoughts? Should I respond at all?

By the way, Jennifer approved my letter, so I'll be sending it pretty soon. I'm just adding a few more touches to it.

NOPE, sorry to say...none of it will work. As bad as you want to and as justified as you feel in doing it (rightfully so) it is NOT part of the plan. You cannot get through to them. You cannot educate them. You cannot make them see...you CANNOT.

Send the letter Jennifer approved, and be done with it. The end.

You cannot control what she does. Your next move is...make yourself into the person you want to be when/if she comes back. Call her every day. Small, pleasant talks, occasional letter, etc. Try to have dates where you can show her (NOT TELL HER-- IT'S WAAAYYYY TOO OBVIOUS IF YOU POINT YOUR "CHANGES" OUT) what she is missing. Ignore the fog babble, fill her ENs, no LBs, no expectations.

You have known her for how many years? What does she like? What is she interested in and enjoy talking about? Focus on that and plan things for YOU to do that you know SHE enjoys and then invite her along. You can't make her go, but she'll know you are doing it without her, and it will matter (at least in a small way).

Hang in there DM. Be still....

I guess this rollercoaster is taking it's toll on me. I'm still bouncing back and forth about what I should be doing.. Plan A or Plan B. Jennifer wants me to continue plan A for a month, but it's becoming increasingly difficult. WWs relationship with OM2 is getting more and more serious. She hasn't slept a night at her F's house since she got home on Saturday.

I delivered my letter and got her response.

She said thanks and went on to say that she'll understand if I need to move on and that she isn't asking me to wait. She needs to figure out what she wants. She's not ready to make a decision.

Jennifer's advice was to ask her to stop seeing OM2 and let her know it's hurting me. I did that and she just said she's sorry and that it's not her intention to hurt me. I told her, that I don't think we should see other people while we are married and she asked if I wanted a divorce. She obviously knows the grip she has on me and the power she's holding. She's taking full advantage of it too. I know...I shouldn't have even said anything, but Jennifer said it was alright, so it was worth a shot.

Well, it seems like all I CAN do is stay "still" now, so that's what I'll be doing. I've begun re-reading through some threads and picking up on things that I either missed or didn't make sense before. I guess I'll keep doing that for now and try to put myself together again.

HA-I caught ya on my thread! No lurking for you!

We are here to help you, DM. Especially right now and when you are needing encouragement. We will help you put it together.

So post away, sir!

Well, I really didn't think I had anything to post. I didn't feel like there was much I could do after the letter incident, so I've just been doing some reading on here and a lot of thinking.

I got a call from our MC on thursday night and she told me she was closing out our file. Our last meeting with her as a couple was in sept, but WW and I had each done an individual session with her in Nov. After her session, WW told me she was closing our file, which was another way of telling me that we were done. So I thought it was already closed, but I guess the rule is they have to send both of us a formal notification. MC said she was going to call WW to inform her as well. The fact that our file was being closed was kind of symbolic for me, so it brought me down that night, but I eventually got over it.

The next day, I let WW know that she had some mail piling up at the house. She began talking about how stressful her job was and that she wanted to quit. She had to give a presentation to one of her clients on monday and apparently they arent the nicest people to deal with. I listened for awhile and gave her my support. I told her not to stress about it because I knew she would do fine, etc.. We ended up talking for while and it was going well.

I asked her if MC had called and she said yes, but asked why i wanted to know. Then she said she had to run to a meeting, so i told her we could talk later, but she wanted to know what I wanted to talk about. I really just wanted to see how she felt about our file being closed, but I didn't know what to say. I ended up asking if she would want to try going in for a MC session, but not necessarily with the same person. She said she had been thinking about it and asked our MC to keep our file open for awhile. However, she would want to see the same MC because she felt like this was the only one who understood her. I was kind of surpised at that and asked when she was thinking of going, but then she said she was only thinking about and needed more time. I didn't want to be pushy so I just said ok. It brought me some hope, but I've been thinking about it and now I'm not sure if it would even be a good idea to go in the current state of things.

Could it do more harm than good if we went to MC right now? Jennifer said that our past meetings or dinners that WW and I had could've done harm because she was probably looking for a feeling that would give her reason to come back, but she obviously doesn't realize that it's not going to happen that way. The feelings are going to come back slowly after time if we decide to reconcile. Now I'm wondering if it would be the same with MC. I wanted to suggest speaking to one of the harley's instead, but I didn't want to give her any clues about MB and what I've been doing. Meanwhile, she is still sleeping at OM2s house and I've been feeling like crap all morning thinking about it.. but I guess thats another story.

Hey DM...you are sounding very down. I am so sorry. Her "needing more time" statement is lame, considering what you are going through. I am worried about you. The fact that she is fully involved in another relationship is discouraging, I'm sure.

How are you feeling as far as being in love with her? Can you see yourself still being able to forgive her? Are you going to be OK just waiting this A out and then continuing to reach out to her?

Gosh, I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I am just at a loss for words on this one. Plan B may give you more peace than you have now to wait for the A to die, but then again, you have spent so much time apart already that I'm not sure it's the right thing to do...

I know Jennifer asked how you were doing as far as staying in Plan A and suggested you keep it up, but I don't see much opportunity here to even Plan A her. I do know skinsgal is Plan A-ing from a distance and it may help you to check out her thread and see if there are any ideas that can be gleaned there.

I know I always ask you this, but what are you doing recreationally to relieve your stress and have fun (as much as you can)?

Hey Bud,

You alright man? I sorry for your state, and wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but instead I'm going to kick your a$$. DM your wife is the mother of all cake eaters IMO. From what I can tell she keeps that carrot dangling in front of your face because she knows you will chase it. Does she still have her stuff there? Does she still show up unannounced? You want to get out of this mess! I don't know if Plan B would even be appropriate for her, have you thought about Plan FU? DM, if we were still talking about OM1, that's a different story, but a second guy... you want to at very least go to a very dark plan B because frankly you're too good for her. To sit bye and plan a her through 2 guys and have her playing this game with you (Which IMO is why she asked to keep the file open) is more than she deserves. You saw that there are other women out there that would be interested in you (Not that I'm advocating you doing this until you've done some healing as it would not be fair to either of you) so why are you putting yourself through this.

Look buddy, I'm not telling you this to be a [censored]. I'm worried about what you’re doing to yourself and the downward spiral you've been on in the last couple of weeks. You are better than this and do not deserve this kind of treatment. She sees you as a doormat and is taking advantage of you, period.

Think of and take care of yourself instead of her all the time (I know I'm probably not one that should give that advice. LOL).

What part of the country are you in?