UPDATE

Exposure is done. Told the WW's family. Sent letter to OM's GF. (had address only, no other way to contact). Not heard fall out from letter but will soon.

On the WW side the SIL's were outstanding. They drove to the WW's workplace to confront her. The OM was there at the time. Now the WW says the OM is giving his notice at work. She claims he is doing that for her. Not sure if its true, if he will go through with it and even if he does, what his motivation is.

My wife reacted excatly as described in longHorn's excellent post in the just found out section. She has stayed in a hotle for two days but has been calling me every hour. I think i am the only person she feels she can talk to right now even though shes mad as ****** at me.

I feel very bad for the SIL's. They really took a bullet for me and my kids and are distraught at some of the things my wife has said to them.

I have been doing well avoiding all love busters. But my question is what next? She said she would go to counseling with me this week but she didnt think it would do any good. Is it worthwhile to go right now? with her present attitude?

I cannot tell you how much I value the advice and inspiration i have gotten from the posters on this thread. i wish I had the time to respond to each of you personally. Especially to the person who said "your kids are counting on you to stand up for your family". That hit home with me in a huge way.

bw, you did great!! If I were you, I would consider marriage coaching with Steve Harley. He is $185 a session, but he will be worth every penny and you won't have to waste your time finding a qualifed MC. Most MC are dismal failures that cause more harn than good. Whereas, SH understands infidelity and knows HOW to repair a marriage after an affair. He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN.

If you can't do that, I would study this link from Dr. Harley at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Some good books that will be helpful are: Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. They sell them cheap here.

Your wife's attitude is EXACTLY what I would expect right now. As long as contact with her OM ENDS, it will blow over. So the first thing that has to happen is that she ends ALL CONTACT. Will she agree to never see or contact him and send a no contact letter?

Again, great job on exposure!

I APPLAUD your SIL's! Tell them that that woman is not their sister, and when she withdraws from her affair, she will feel much differently. They did their sister a huge favor and it will pay off in the future. When your wife wakes up, she will remember who her real friends are.

betterorworse:

I'm going to echo Melody's advice---because it's really important. Many marriage counselors don't have a clue, especially with the very tricky steps of early recovery from an affair. Steve Harley, on the other hand---has more than a clue. He's worth every penny of the $185/session. He will be able to talk to both you and your wife, and start to lead you both with a Plan that will save your marriage.

It is absolutely worth it to start this ASAP. While you're wife isn't saying the things you necessarily want to hear, she's ready to begin the work with Steve. So get that appt ASAP---888-639-1639 for appointments.

Don't worry about that anger. Like everyone here says, they get over it. My WW took about 5-6 weeks before she would even say anything to me that wasn't filled with hate . But ya know what? She's slowly beginning to respond to me and I'm 98% sure the A is dead.

I did the layered approach to exposure on the advise of SH. Others here do the atom bomb approach. Not sure which is better. SH wanted me to limit the colleratal damage if we could help it, but maybe his approach is modified by the situation (ours being 2 kids and WW not leaving even though she had multiple opportunities to do so).

I agree with others who have recommended talking to SH if you can afford it. He's been a god send to me and everything he's said WW will do has been right on. Hopefully he's right when he says if I give WW time now she'll come out of WD and recommit to the marriage.

i plan to talk to SH although can only afford to do so once. not sure if i can get my wife to join. Is it just as benificial on my own?

I've talked to SH probably 7-8 times, always on my own as right now WW refuses (still waiting on my latest request for her to talk to him). He is helping with my Plan. He'll help you so you don't react to stuff, but act according to your plan. It's really been helpful.

I would think even one session would be of benefit. Tell Steve straight out that you can only afford one session and get all you can from that. If there is ANY way you could afford more, it's worth it. It's cheaper than a divorce will be.

Well a lot has happend in the past week. The WW's anger after exposure only lasted a few days. She called SH with me and talked with him for about 30 mins. At first it didnt seem like it had much impact but she has been reading SAA and she has mentioned her call with him several times in the past few day.

WW decided on her own to end it with OM and met with him for 5 hours. i am skepticle of course. OM works with her and she sees him every day. Im a long way from suggesting NC to her.

SH now wants to speak with her alone so hopefully she will do this week.

Im just hanging in. Avoiding the love busters and trying to remind myself im in it for the long haul. i must confess, despite everythin ive read here I was convinced my situation is not so bad and A could be completely over within weeks. reality is setting in but Im trying to stick to the plan.

WW is telling me she thinks it would be a good idea if she spends some time for herself. Not talking about moving out although claiming this is a compromise on moving out. She thinks I should be happy that she is trying to come up with solutions. I think shes trying to lay the ground so she can go out for the evening or the whole day.

I dont beleive she wants time to herself. Am i wrong? How should i respond to this? Im trying to avoid the love busters but want to make clear that given her recent history of lying about her whereabouts I am not comfortable with this? Or is the best thing to just suck it up at this point and say "year dear, whatever you need"

renaminng with update

I think your suspicions are spot on.

Has she provided any details on exactly what time for herself would entail?

There are things a spouse can do in the pursuit of "time for herself" that are still compatible with respect for the marriage.

She can hide away in a bubble bath or bedroom undisturbed for hours while you care for the children.

She can join a women's group that has a focus on something of interest - exercise, prayer, business, community volunteering, quilting, etc.

She can sign up for a nearby weekend seminar or retreat to which you and the children enjoy driving her to and picking her up from when it is over.

Often, it isn't anything like the above that the WS has in mind when they are looking for 'space' or 'time'.

Invariably and predictably, it usually translates to - I'm going barhopping, dancing, out with my friends, just around, none-of-your-business, etc. Unreachable, with cell phone off and dragging back home (if at all) in the wee hours of the morning.

So, has she offered any details?

My H needed some time to himself to figure things out - this was before I knew of the A. Found out last week that he had spent the time with OW.

The need for time alone almost always is something other than time alone. I'd be suspicious, too. If she's determined to do this, there probably isn't a way to stop her, but you can voice your concerns in a respectful way. You can also offer some alternatives that maybe will work for her if she truly does just want some time to herself.

-but you can voice your concerns in a respectful way-

thanks KLD, I figured voiceing my concerns is about the only thing i can do. If anyone has advice on how to do this i would appreciate it.

Im also puzzled as to why she is so keen to have my agreement on this. Before D-day she would have just told me she was going out, regardless of what I thought. She certainly doesnt feel she needs my permission.

I wouldn't go along with it at all. Let her know that given your marital problems, the worst thing she could do is spend time "alone." If the marriage is to be recovered, you should spend time together. Don't DEMAND, but let her know how very upset you are at this and how you do not agree with it. And most of all, let her know that you know she wants the time to be with OM. And I assure you that is what is going on here.


That is not a solution. A solution would be to spend time together with you working on the marriage. You can't very well work on the marriage if you spend time apart.

She is simply asking for your blessing to go out and cat around with the OM. That is what is happening here, b-or-w. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BoW,
I am by no means aVet here, but I can tell you that the longer you wait to expose the worse it will be for all involved.
I hesitated for a long time not wanting to "hurt" my wife because I love her, I vowed to protect her etc.
The reality is that all the time I spent enabling the affair through my inaction, was much more harmful to her and my kid than exposing it immediately would have been.
Not fighting for your family is hurtful.
Exposing is noble.
Listen to the vets regarding your PLAN to do this. Don't knee jerk exposure, but do it as soon as you can.

Just my .02

thanks trytoohard, i have actually already exposed to ww's family and to om's GF (i sent her a letter but have heard nothing from her).

I have not exposed to workplace yet as im waitng till i speak with SH about this.

Good luck to you.
Be strong. Know you are not alone.

now there are details, she says she wants to go out tomorrow night to get away from kids. I dont want to saction this because I am sure she is meeting OM but I dont want to cause a love buster. Any adive on what to say?

If the OW and GF live together, the chances are high that he intercepted the letter. Whether or not they live together or she lives alone, I would strongly suggest you call her and tell her that you recently mailed her some information regarding the affair that is taking place between your wife and her boyfriend.

She may not have received the letter. She may have received it and he convinced her it was a crank letter. Either way a call would let *you* know whether or not she was aware of the situation. I would call with 2 purposes - to ask her if she did receive the letter and to tell her that it appears that your wife is making plans to get together with him under the guise of "needing space."

So, how do you feel about that phone call?

i would have called but I dont have a phone number, just an address. OM does live with GF and could have intercepted but I dont think he knows i have the address.