Just confirmed OM's gf just found out. just spoke with her shes very upset, kicking OM out. in short term may give WW and OM to be together more but I think the wheels will begin to come off long term.

Hello betterorworse,

That 'time alone' and 'needing space' stuff - complete horse puckey. She just wants to be able to continue seeing him without having to live with the guilt of seeing you every day. That's what happened with my WW.

Well done on the exposure.

Its only been 1 day since the Om was thrown out by his GF. For now him and the WW are maintaining a united front, they are going to talk to their coworkers to explain the situation. im not too worried about presenting my version of events. I trust the coworkers to see this for what it is.

For now im going to be patient and hopefully the wheels will begin to come off. I ve heard some vets say it usually takes a few weeks for exposure to really have an effect

SH told me that exposure rarely ends the A immediately. What it does is puts pressure on it so when they get together after exposure there are love busters all over the place as they will be having conversations that they've never had before.

Point is, if they're going to get together, they will, one way or another, but there'll be trouble in paradise when they do. That's when the A loses it's luster and you win.

I know it's hard when you don't want any kind of contact to happen (trust me I know ), but this soon after exposure, it's to be expected, but don't think things haven't changed in affairland, they have.

You're doing great. Keep your chin up!

Its been a couple of weeks but let me bring you up to date. I have exposed to all WW's family -MIL and FIl who live with us, sisters and also to OM's GF who threw him out.

Since then Ive been in contact with the OM's GF who has decided to try and save the relationship. OM told the GF the affair is over and he is looking for a new job (him and WW are co workers). After I exposed to the GF she then exposed to their boss, co workers etc. No career consquences at work but both now uncomfortable.

However, I have found some more emails between OM and WW which suggests he hasnt made clear to WW afair is over. Dont want to to share with GF just yet as I will lose my access to her email and I need it for a while longer.

The WW has started to talk divorce, She wants to get an apartment and leave me here with kids and her parents. she is trying to figure the financial implications which are not good. I have told her -only after she asked me- that I didnt think i could afford to keep the house and the kids would lose their house and probably the good schools they are in. Shes pretty mad about that. Is it a love buster? She asked and I gave my reasoned opinon in a calm manner.

I have no doubt she sees moving out as a means to continue the affair. The contact between me and the OM's gf is driving her and OM crazy. I think the Om is worried I am going to expose to GF if they continue. i think he is on the verge of ending the A. My wife senses this and I think sees the Apartment as a means to keep OM.

i know I have to tell GF if i have concrete evidence the A is continuing. i dont have that right now. Just a few ambiguious emails and I really dont want to lose the email access just now. So Ill wait but will contact GF if I find evidence.

Is my contact with OM's GF a love buster? It certainly makes the WW mad. She has asked me not to talk to her "what can you possibly talk about " she says. "things we both wish we never had to talk about in our lives" I replied.

Its making her mad But I see the communication as essential to ending the A as it is making the OM very nervous. My wife is hoplessly in love at the moment. My only hope is the OM ends it. So I think I need to take the love buster hit for now and maintain the contact with the GF. I dont lie about it, I dont promise not too and I talk about it in a calm voice when asked. Any VET advice on whether I should maintain contact with the GF even though it makes the WW extremly mad?

Meanwhile Im trying to work o nme. Trying to educate myself about emotional needs but she is unwilling to let me meet any at moment. For the most part Im avoiding the love busters -with the exception of contact with OM's GF.

Yes, you should maintain contact with the GF until you are certain the affair has ended. I would suggest contacting her again and telling her they are still in contact via email. [don't give up your source] However, she already knows this if they work together, right? If they still work together, the affair is still on and recovery is impossible.

As far as making her mad, remember, your goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid making her MAD at all costs. It is NOT A LOVEBUSTER to contact the GF.

The reason it makes her mad is because it makes it hard to carry on her affair. You are interfering with her ADDICTION. If she is not getting MAD, then you are probably eenabling the affair.


BW, please read up on what a lovebuster means. You mistakenly think it means making the WW mad. It does not.

You did good in explaining the financial implications to your wife, however, she needs to understand that she would not be able to STOP paying the household bills if she moves out. Be sure and let her know you would expect her to pay the EXACT SAME AMOUNT she pays now. If not, you would get court ordered CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS.

And be sure and tell her that many courts DO NOT look kindly on ABANDONMENT, especially due to ADULTERY. She needs to know you will make it very hard for her to abandon her kids and marriage and that you would name the cause as adultery, calling the OM in as a WITNESS to adultery. Say this all very NICELY, of course.

Telling her this will burst any fantasies she has about being able to destroy her family with ease. She will have second thoughts.


A lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Nowhere does exposing the WW's adultery fall on this list. Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Thankyou MelodyLane, the GF is a fine women but does not agree with me that the affair is still on if they work together. -Although she does want the OM to leave asap. I do know he is actily looking for job elsewhere. If I let her know about the email right now i will lose my access to the WWs email. So im holding my poweder on that one.

I appreciate your point on contact wit the GF. Not one of the love busters as defined by Dr. Harley but sure seems to have the same effect on WW. But I will keep contact until their is somthing more substantial.

As far as child support, the WW only works part time and falls below the child support guideline threashold in my state. We can probably survive without it but it will be a struggle and i dont feel i have exagerated the severity of the situation to her.

Really a tough time for me right now. The WW is as distant as she has ever been. Seems to be convinced her future lies elsewhere at the moment. Im feeling pretty powerless. Seems like she will not allow me to meet any EA's at the moment. She works some evenings and weekends and goes oout nights shes not working so no opportunity to spend time together. All I can do is try and avoid love busters.

Celebrating Valentines day seems wholey inapporpriate at the moment but I feel I must do something. Also the WW has always been disapointed by my lack of creativity and sentimentality on V day. Any thoughts? How does one say I love you and would prefer if you stopend having sex with someone else. (got to joke where you can)

Just curious, but why do her parents live with you?
And why does she think they will continue to live with you if she leaves?

Wouldn't it be more appropriate that they go wherever she goes? Not to mention the damper having Mom and Dad in the next room would do to affair-land....

Happy to explain Lexxy we bought a house together with her parents 4 years ago. It is in a very nice but expensive community that neither us nor them could afford on our own.

The WW's parents are joint owners so they wouldnt eave. Not that I want them too. We get on great and the help a lot with the kids. The are pretty disgusted and ashamed of WW right now.

Why not try and NOT disappoint her this year? Do something creative. What did you do in the past that disappointed her?

My past gifts includes flowers, victoria secret gift certificate, spa certificate. Just nothing exciting. Its been one of my failings i know. Id like to do something special but just not sure how it will be received given that she is still seeing OM and pretty much hates me at the moment.

Now the WW is emailing me. Its the first time shes tried to talk to me since Sunday. she is saying we need to figure out what we are going to do and wants to know where my mind is at on divorce. Any suggested responses to this?

I'd tell her that you don't and won't do divorce. You do marriage.

here is the actual text of her email:

We need to figure out where we go from here. I don't think we are ever going to come to a resolution, and I know that none of us can cotinue like this. It seems like you are pretending that our conversation on Sunday night never happened. Well, it did, and you need to acknowledge that it did. You haven't said a word about it since. I need to know where your mind is at and what you are thinking about now.

-she is taking my plan A behaviour, be as pleasant as possible, no relationship talk - as pretending we do not have a problem

B&W, plan A is not supposed to be a pretense; it is supposed to be a negotiation with her to end the affair. I would ask her to end her affair and tell her how hurtful it is to you. Tell her that you are not interested in divorce and will only cooperate in plans to fix your marriage.

Can you refresh my memory? Have you exposed at work?

Have you spoken to the OM face to face? I need to reread your thread, brb.

Melody, WW and OM work together and have been exposed in work by OM's Gf -whom i exposed too. The Gf is under the impression the affair is over, i dont think it is but im trying to get the hard evidence to convince the GF.

I havent spoke to OM face to Face. Is that generally a good idea?

Im not sure what im doing that makes you think i think plan A is a pretense. Im trying to avoid the love busters and im trying to avoid relatioship talk where possible. Obviously i cant avoid this email.

hey if you see me doing something wrong PLEASE point it out!! Im flailing here and would appreciate any advice

I know you said the GF said she exposed at work, but I would take it upon yourself to send a CERTIFIED letter to the owner and the HR director about the affair. I will link you to a good letter developed by one of our board members: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

What kind of business is this? What is the OM's position?

Please DON'T avoid relationship talk. Talk about her affair and how much it hurts you. Don't pretend!

Dear Sally, what I am thinking about is how very hurt I am by your affair. But I am willing to forgive and work on our marriage problems because I believe we could recover from your affair and have a happy marriage. In order for that to happen, contact with the OM would have to end and we would have to mutually agree on a program of recovery.

What did you have in mind?

your loving husband, betterorworse