I AM most aware that adult children of alcoholics HATE to ever disappoint their children. They protect their kids from disappointment which makes them ill prepared for life. Just something to be aware of, Julie.

Roger that.

Good girl! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JULIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can even empathize w/H a little. I mean, how crappy it must feel to see your boy so disappointed in you. Not just cuz of tonight/bowling but I know on Wed he gave H an ear full about his great meeting (Alateen) on Tuesday night. He's now got his kids getting educated & telling him like it is. That must really, really suck.

DS barged in about 15 min ago w/$60 cash & a note from dad. I told DS to tell H I can't read letters, that they should go to IM but I'll make sure IM gets it (she's outta town this weekend) It says:

Dear Julie,
I am writing you this letter with the hopes you will read it with an open mind. I have no interest in manipulating you. Or making you believe that one of us is right or wrong.
Unfortunately your decision to not communicate with me has made things much more difficult. I understand all the emotions involved: hurt, betrayed, disappointed, angry, sad, the list goes on. I know this because I feel them, too. I am torn to pieces over this. But, thorough it all I have no desire to bad mouth you or paint an unfair picture of you. And I honestly thought you would never do that to me.
For 11 yrs we have worked together to create a happy and healthy home to raise our CHILDREN. And within 6 wks o fme moving out you have changed the locks, cut off all contact, dodged my calls, informed (DD's) school I am not allowed to pick up my daughter, among other things. I guess I foolishly thought we could get through this relying on the fact we spent 11 yrs together. And we wouldn't try to make each others life worse. I am not this monster you're making me out to be. I'm the man who spooned you at night and the one who kissed you every day, no matter what.
I am not like (DD's bio dad) and never will I be. I want to be in my kids' lives always. I want to be in your life too. I know that seems impossible right now but, like it or not we have a lifetime commitment to the kids. I hope that someday soon you will be able to talk to me so we can work towards our future without all the anger and resenement.

I will always love you,
H

I know, I know, stupid me. What does THIS mean and does THAT mean he wants back in...stupid. Here we have it. Still have to file D. But, at least he gave me money!!

What the letter says is blah, blah, blah, blah.............

Stop reading any letters. Watch for his actions.

I know, and I just took (gave myself) a backslide.

Stupid, stupid.

There's 2 messages on the machine too. 'Least I haven't touched those. Waiting for DD to come home & get rid of 'em.

This is nothing but alot of smoke and a few crumbs. There is nothing here.

Your intermediary should contact him and remind him that all contact should come through her, that you wont be reading anything he sends in. She can also ask if he is ready to meet the conditions in your letter? If not, you have nothing to talk about.

If he really wanted back in, he would be writing about meeting the conditions laid out in your letter. He is not. He doesn't bring up reconciliation or making changes. He just wants you to be his "friend" while he destroys his family. "please lets be amicable while I destroy you and the kids!"

What he wants, Julie, is to BE YOUR FRIEND, so he wont feel so guilty about abandoning his family. HE WANTS YOU TO EASE HIS GUILT. But you should not do this. That GUILT is the only motivator for change.

smoke, no fire....

The letter says everything EXCEPT "I will meet the conditions you laid out in your letter..." Everything EXCEPT, I am ready to reconcile and commit to fixing this marriage.

Thanks Mel. Stupid, stupid. I should have taken the money off the top & sent the boy back out w/the note. I don't need any more friends. UGH

I will be switching IM this weekend, and NEW IM, neighbor across the street, old enough to be our mom but a GREAT friend, won't take any crap, has been thru this before early on in her own marriage (20+ yrs ago) is PERFECT to lay it on the line for H.

I will use this $60 to buy ink, so that I can print off the D forms so I'm ready to get 'em filed Monday. My mama should be dropping off the money today. I'll print new IM a copy of PBL too.

I need to get my stupid self to a meeting.

Since I'm stupid anyway & I know it, and you're already boxing my ears, I will take this stupid moment to point out one thing: there is (still) no OW. And this keeps the tiny spark of hope in me alive. <Over>

Sorry, hon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for what, babe?

I am sorry you are in this fix and feel bad you had to read that note this morning. I feel bad for me that I want to kick your H in the nads right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

One of my favorite things about you, Julie, is that you NEVER feel sorry for yourself. You have every right to do so, but you never do. Instead of having a pity party, you always look for solutions. That is an ADMIRABLE trait that will greatly contribute to your path out of this dilemma. You're alright for a kid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK...

This one made me laugh:


And this one made me cry:

No, I actually don't feel sorry for myself, can't say I have thru this. A year ago I did but I thank God that this time around, I've not only got a great support system (all my MB people, Al Anon, a coworker who's a 4-yr vet of Al-Anon & also a TRUE got-her-husband-sober success story) but somehow I've been willing & able to accept it.

I suppose H is shocked that I'm "doing this to him" because...I never have before! In times past, after reading this letter, I would have called him & said, "OK, will you just come home then? We'll start the REAL work once you're back" & then we all know the rest of THAT story.

I didn't HAVE to read the letter Mel, and we all know how much better off I'd be if I hadn't. I don't know how to not. I'm a work in (sometimes a snail's pace) progress.

Wanna see what I've been doing all morning? Take a look: http://www.marestare.com/sleepyhollow.php

Wow, that's really nice, Julie. I like the MareStare part.

She's 3 hrs old now & just a few minutes ago, finally, mama has let her nurse. Horses can be so rude sometimes.

You know what I want to know? I want to know what H wants. Is it OK for me to have (new) IM ask him that, "what do YOU want, Julie's H??" I was just thinking of this as I poured my coffee - from the letter he wrote a few weeks back, to him recently telling the kids I've slandered him, to today's more "friendly" and admitting to love me letter, WHAT does he want?? Clearly not D, but not me either?

I'm reminded of an incident this summer, it was right after I started my current job & there was a big event for work for the weekend - hotel reservations were made & I hardly knew anybody, so we needed to be on our best behavior. H had a drunken episode the weekend prior that resulted in my refusal to talk to him for a few days. Finally he said he wanted to know what's going to happen so I said, "are you going to quit drinking?" and he promptly replied, "No" so I said then there you go, you know what's going to happen, you don't get both (me & drinking) so he said "that's unrest, I want you AND I want to have my freedom to drink" Well I'm not sure how he weaseled his way back in but he obviously did, AGAIN, and we continued to live between Fridays.

Anyway, I KNOW what I want, and actually I've got it right now! Sure, my family isn't intact, but the 3 of us read every night, we do soccer on Fridays & they see H on Wednesdays, Al-Anon/Alateen on Tuesdays & horsey time in between (if it ever warms up, even a LITTLE), our house is cleaner than it's ever been, we talk, we laugh, we cry...we have PEACE. I promised my kids on 12/28/07 when H left that we WILL have peace, and we've got it. I wonder what he wants??

Hey Julie




You know what he wants.

He wants back into your life w/o meeting the conditions of the PBL.

Quoterd from ML above

"The letter says everything EXCEPT "I will meet the conditions you laid out in your letter..." Everything EXCEPT, I am ready to reconcile and commit to fixing this marriage."


Went back through your posts.

You Rock. Your children are so lucky to have you.


Rocky