Skinsgal,

My last post was on 01/16/08 if you would like to look over.

H went to the doctor today to get prescription for an antidepressant. We hope that t will help him to focus and that it will moderate his horrible mood swings.

This same doctor had prescribed Cymbalta (antidepressant)for me during H's month out of the house (while gone, H was steadfastly denying any op involvement.) H was to ask our doctor about my taking Cymbalta while I also take Imitrex as needed for migraines - I'd told the doc when I went in but at that time didn't know there might be an issue - online info and tv ads warn against this)... H forgot to ask!

Well, all of this triggered me big time. Party b/c he was only looking after himself but also b/c I remembered the horrible night that caused me to go to the doctor in the 1st place!

Shortly after H moved to our lakehouse - and while he was prepared to give me any settlement I asked for- I prepared a separation agreement which was extremely generous to me. We signed in on a Monday morning -10/29. That night when I got home (we work together) I thought that I would die! I literally did not know how I would get through the next few minutes so I called H who was driving "home" to the lake.

For the 1st time I begged him to reconsider leaving me. I told him I could NOT go on. I was hysterical. After listening to me and telling me there was nothing he could do b/c he was NOT coming home, he finally just said that he was NOT the person I should lean on and that I needed to call somebody else. I continued to beg, and he finally agreed to turn around and come home to comfort me for a short while. After 15 -20 minutes, he still hadn't reached home and I had regained some composure. I then called him and told him not to come b/c it would just hurt more when he left. He said ok and turned around again and headed back to what had that day become MY lakehouse. I was still very emotional and crying but not hysterical.

Although I was home alone he did not call to check on me any that night or the next morning until the office opened & I wasn't there or answering my phone. He finally stopped by at lunch and angrily left after about 2 minutes.

Tonight I could not get my brain or heart around the fact that the man who was so cold on October 29 could come home November 9 and say he has had NO longing for OW, that he is committed to our marriage and relieved that I took him back!

His answer to his coldness on 10/29 was that it was all OW. When I responded that I understood that - that he was so "in love" with her that literally nothing else mattered, he went off, began cursing, and yelling etc. that he did not want me to say that he was "in love" with that b*t*h! I never raised my voice but told him that his yelling and language was not acceptable and that I did not want to hear the ILY's and the I'm so terribly sorry for being such a jerk that always follow. Before his affairs with OW he never cursed me etc, but now he does it frequently when I get down about what he did - TWICE - 8 years apart - last time for 18 months when I thought he was happy in recovery!

He went to bed at 6:30, and here I sit talking to you guys! Can you believe this guy says he is NOT in withdrawal? How could he not be in withdrawal from the daily phone calls and letters, bimonthly pic nic visits, and bimonthly hotel trysts that he used to brighten us his boring work days?

I can't get past the anger or find the energy to stop my love busting. Both our love accounts are about bankrupt right now!

Pepper, I don't think there is renewed contact of any kind and he has no mementos - he destroyed letters as soon as he read them, used only land line phones, and didn't use email or I messaging for fear of my having it traced if I'd ever gotten suspicious. They gave each other no gifts etc this time - except their bodies. He also didnt see her during the month he was gone b/c he thought I'd probably had a GPS tracking device installed on his car. The last week she did tell him about the no contract cell phones at Walmart and he got one that he voluntarily told me about when I discovered the unmailed love letter in his briefcase....

JUST: I can't think of any additional financial terms though he has offered. The emotional hurt I feel needs an emotional remedy.

HURT: I read your thread. We seem to be among the few whose spouses relapsed after so many years. I do think there were years of good recovery for us, but H may always proably be a man who keeps his walls up and sees things first from a selfish perspective. I mean he may never see marriage as a partnership where the couple becomes as one. I think that is the key to why some people have affairs when they have issues and some don't. I read somewhere that one woman said she could never have a secret affair b/c she'd run right home to tell her husband. That's how I am. H never lets his guard down with anybody - more with me than anybody, but even with me / heck even to himself, he says what he wants or thinks the response should be. It's like living life on a stage - acting not living.

8 Yrs: I agree that we are members of a fairly exclusive club (unfortunately for both of us). The nine years or so prior to the affair restarting were also good for us. We were raising our kids and everything seemed good. I do agree that the affair has to be one of the worst acts of selfishness that you can imagine. I am also one of those people that could never have a secret affair. The funny thing is that my WW and I could always talk about anything (still can in fact). I finally had to tell her to stop confiding so many details about the affair and her feelings towards the OM becuase it was driving me crazy. I understand what you are saying about the emotional hurt and wish you the best in dealing with it.

I have finally set up some boundaries and am taking some pro-active steps to try mainly to change myself and get some self-respect back. I am sure the road ahead will be very trying but whatever happens I will survive, if only for the sake of my children.

Sorry I could not respond to you sooner. I'll keep and eye out for your post. Take care of yourself!